When Love was Not Enough: Parenting our RAD Child

3 weeks

2012-02-09T13:55:00.001-08:00

Until I kiss some awesome mommas!!
On the lips even!

PTSD

2012-01-30T18:39:00.000-08:00

There are moments when the weight of our experience, disruption, post-disruption and all that comes with it....becomes to much. Moments like today where it hits me when I least expect it. Right down to my core.

And the only words that I could muster up the strength to say to the psychologist who followed me to the bathroom; after being sent into a world of PTSD/Grief and other downward spiral was: "I am that mother. I am that person...."

I can not remember when the last time I cried so hard my entire body trembled. The aftermath is my entire body hurts. Aches to my core.

PTSD fucking sucks. There is no way around it. Sucks so incredibly much I can't stand it.

Everything to Me

2012-01-22T14:02:00.000-08:00

The following song is a great song. I have sat and listened to it over and over to it today. Cried each and everytime as if it was the first time I had heard it. It has taken me all afternoon to really look with in...and figure out where/why those tears have been so plenty.
We did not adopt Cor at birth. We did not have the ability to give him a chance at life....like his 2 older birth siblings were given. He was not given that choice. He was robbed of the life, family, and all that other 'lovey dovey crap' that could have been. I'm in no way going to say that Cor would have had any different outcome than what he has. I do believe beyond a shadow of a doubt...that he would have had a much better chance at life, breaking the cycle that his BM left behind....

I have to admit that the tears are tears that sting. Grieving what could have been. Grieving what should have been. Grieving the loss that we as his parents were robbed as. Grieving the loss that he...the one who has paid the ultimate price...because he was not given that chance.

Struggling

2012-01-09T18:36:00.001-08:00

I am struggling with a very tough decision. It is moments like this where I wish life were much more of the 'cookie cutter mindset'.

It isn't ..and damn it all that makes this decision no less of a struggle.

Several months ago I committed and became very excited about returning to Orlando in March. At that time I was struggling with an ongoing health issue and was uncertain what the future would hold when it came to amunt of time off work.

Then as the iron issues didn't get better....but became more under control...something else happened. Not really, but for those of you aware of the situation, it did. My struggle with anxiety and depression took an all time dive. One that nearly had me hospitalized. Three weeks off of work, majority unpaid ....I went back to work right before Thanksgiving. I was not ready to return. There were several more crash and burn days. There still are. The moral of that experience is...gastric bypass effing sux when it comes to NEEDING an antidepressant. Currently, I am unmedicated. Just a matter of time...I'm worknf diligently with someone outside my therapist and pdocs office to be preventive.

I wasnt sure I could make it to Orlando in March bc of the time off I need to take and the financial aspect continues to weigh heavy ok my mind.

Getting my employer to agree would be tough....but I believed I could do it.

I had a plan in place. A very good one. And I was more and more certain after discussing it with my husband that...yes indeed I could make this work. He wasnt supportive of me gong last year and the back lash was tough. This time has been equally challenging but he has bit his cheek and given me his blessings ...kind of.

Then....I got sick again last week. (Gonna start swearing...sorry its where i am at emotionally right now)

Mother fuck did I ever. And it continued to rage on...and on...and on.....and on!! I thought I was getting better.

I'm not. Fuck I'm not.

And my plan...it was shit down the toilet with the rest of anything positive I might have to say!

I'm considering alternate plans....one of the issues is I continue to have health issues and need my vacation time to be used for these instances. Shit it is only the first week of the year and I miss 4 out of 5 working days. WTF.

It is looking grim. Very fucking grim.

Struggling is really a nice word for it!!

I'm fucking pissed off!! And the pain I continue to experience with this current illness....well it fucking pisses me off. I will take being depressed just abt any day over this. HELL...the pain makes me depressed. At least when I'm depressed and at my lowest..
Up is the only way to go.

Holidays Came...

2012-01-02T16:47:00.000-08:00

and went with muchy more ease than in years past.

I still struggled. However, not nearly as much as I have in years past.

The struggle was more in the realm of other abuse/trauma related to my own childhood.  Things that have never been address. Clearly...the struggles have been my own personal issues than issues related to our disruption. Issues related to my own health and the ability to not take any type of RX medication w/o having significant fall out. I've blogged a great deal on my private depression related blog (this blog is annon.  It does not have private settings. If you would like the link you need to contact me via comments or email for the address) about the up and mostly down battle that 2011 brought. It was by far one of the worst years that I've had in the realm of depression and anxiety. October/November proved to be the toughest of all. And I came close to being hospitalized after having a medication reaction that set me close to the edge.

Sure disruption sucks.
Sure  disruption stings.
Sure when I came across the last picture of all 3 kids taken together my gut sank a lil. But that was it. I was able to look at it for what it was. The last picture of all 3 kids together.  Progress...in little pieces is always welcome.

Christmas evening my inlaws and good friend and their families were here. There was a conversation being had by my friends husband and my SIL. The conversation almost ended with me going postal. Initially, I was very hurt. A few days passed and I mentioned to my friend that her dh was completely clueless about what he was saying. He did not intent on hurting my feelings. However, his comments were not acceptable at anytime in my home. She felt horrible and apologized profusely.   My SIL is a bitch. She knew what she was saying. She has over and over in the past made hurtful comments about Cor and our disruption and the situation in general.

This year the child turns 18 years....and somehow the thoughts and feelings surrounding this milestone will need to be dealt with. I hope and pray that just like the last picture I came across of all 3 children. I will also be able to see it for what it is. He turns 18... Please remind me in June....would you?

Pics Like This...

2011-12-16T09:21:00.000-08:00

....brighten and dampen my day all in one.

Friendship

2011-12-14T18:48:00.000-08:00

It's been one of those days. A day that I've spoke to one of my best friends....several times. The morning started w/a text from her that said "Can I call you?" And then 3-4 hrs later me sending her a message "call me". I think we've spoke 3x's today.

It's been a day of frustration, illness, tears, disappointment. A day that one of us can say to the other "if xyz has to happen...I'm gonna do xyz" and know that the other will understand, will not over-react, and totally feel the other's pain and frustration.

I've been in pain most of the last 24 hours. Yet, being able to think and pray for my dear friend and the huge trial she is dealing with in her life right now has TOTALLY taken away from the fact that I'm still having horrible abdominal cramping and have a 101.3 temp and that my son has a 103.4 fever and pneumonia.

Tonight, I'm extremely thankful for the universe working wonders and our paths passing!!

I think it is time to look at my calendar and make another road trip to Indiana!! Because, I sure as hell am not waiting 79 more days to Orldando!! That shit is just not gonna fly!!

Harder than it sounds

2011-11-23T20:08:00.000-08:00

....to stay present.

Checked the Court Hearing Status for Cor online.

I know what he did was bad.
I know that he would have some significant consequences.
I know these things....

Yet, I was not prepared to read....

.....yet another court hearing that will be his arraignment.

Can't really say what it does to my heart.

I can't seem to stop the flood of tears since reading this.

This is the thing...

He is still a baby.
He shouldn't have to spend Thanksgiving in jail. (I will venture to say he is in jail since 2 of his several charges are bail jumping.)

He shouldn't have to spend Christmas in jail.

Guilt and grief....full force.

Radical Acceptance

2011-11-07T19:10:00.000-08:00

Radical Acceptance

Letting go of fighting reality.

THIS is a VERY hard concept for me. I will not deny it. I will not deny that I don't believe it 100%. I will not deny that I'm struggling with this concept on an hourly basis right now. Not only in regards to our disruption and all that surrounds it. But, with other aspects as well.

Court Records

2011-11-03T19:52:00.000-07:00

Our state has a website to view current and past court preceedings/charges of individuals. If you get a speeding ticket - it will be on there. If you file bankruptcy - sometimes it will be on there. If you foreclose on your house - it will be on there. If you are arrested for battery, strangulation, bail jumping, and other bullshit....it will be on there.

Few weeks ago I looked up C. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw his name come up with actual charges. He is not 18. It broke my heart to see 2 counts of disorderly conduct. I knew he was being charged with it. However, I wasn't prepared for it. Does that make any sense?

This evening, because I'm struggling in a rather raw way, I checked to see what the newest charges were and if I would be able to get an idea if C was still in jail or not. Again, I was not prepared for what I read. I needed to read he was still in jail. I did not need to read "bail jumping". Dear Lord he is ONLY 17...bail jumping.

This is what I found: (Name, address, birthdate and such have been removed)

Charge(s)

Count No.

Statute

Description

Severity

Disposition

1

940.19(1)

Battery

Misd. A

2

940.19(1)

Battery

Misd. A

3

943.01(1)

Criminal Damage to Property

Misd. A

4

946.49(1)(a)

Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor

Misd. A

5

946.49(1)(a)

Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor

Misd. A

6

940.235(1)

Strangulation and Suffocation

Felony H

7

940.44(1)

Intimidate Victim/Dissuade Reporting

Misd. A

and then all I could do was say:

and....

......I started a VERY HOT tub of water. Because the hot water somehow...numbs the pain. It was my coping mechnism when C was home. And still is.

Wavering

2011-10-20T22:41:00.000-07:00

My dh has limited contact w/C. He answers phone calls as he can and feels like it. Often not answering calls unless it has been several calls with in a few day period. And sometimes not even that.

Twice in the last month we've received cluster calls. Last month, after several calls there was a 1 day break. Then the FM called and left a message. We found a 'little bit' out that was not coming right from C. Given you can only believe a portion of what he tells you. She seemed pretty on the ball.

Fast fwd to yesterday. Several cluster calls. SEVERAL. Dh did listen to the message. It was a collect call from the county jail where he is living. DH was able to figure out how to block calls coming from that number.

Today, a number dh had listed called dh sevearl times. Leaving

a message the last time.

Information I really didn't want to know or hear.

And one of my biggest fears is that one day C will find where we live. Even though we don't have an unlisted address and such and he could easily find us if he choose. We have only cell phones right now so it would make it a tad harder.

C's FM called. She will no longer be his FM. She will not allow him back in her home. Currently, he is sitting in the county jail. It really breaks my heart. More than I could ever express here.

And she has school pictures and some other pictures she wanted to send us.

And asked for our address.

And....dh gave her our address.

And...when dh told me he gave it to her...I nearly died. It was all I could do not to start sobbing.

Why? WHY? First dh's number was ONLY to be given to caregivers/staff ect ect. Cor would NOT have access to it. Guess what? That didn't happen. He's even managed to call me a few different times. I'mnot happy. I'm terrified. This kid hates me. HATES me.

In his current home he has told his FM that he was abused in our home. Yet, he idolizes and looks up to my DH. And respects and listens to my DH. So who would that leave to have abused him? Me....according to him. He knows that I wasthe deciding factor and what transpired between my dh in the end which led to the disruption. He knows that. Someone....some idiot told him. Told him that I am the bad guy (gal). Asual for RAD kids. And now...it will only be a matter of time before he gets our address. I just know it.

The FM said she wouldn't give it to him. I'm not worried about that. I'm worried that she will give it to someone else and so forth....and it will be in his hands.

It's nearly 1am. I can't sleep. I've been a wreck all day thinking about it.

And...I'm not sure that I can see a picture of him w/o falling apart even more.

What happened with the fact that we disrupted. Or the state terminated our parental rights bc we wouldn't allow him back in our home? And we would no longer have info or access to knowing what/how/where he was? Yet...we do. And today....it is ripping my heart to peaces. Seriously!

Sure, I've struggled w/this hole situation. For the MOST part....I've been doing REALLY well when it comes to this crap. And well, flush that idea and thought down the drain.

Missing

2011-10-14T07:38:00.000-07:00

Been a lil' while since I posted here on this blog. Life has stepped in and taken over. My job is overwhelming and suck-y at best. I have a job. Therefore, I try not to complain to incredible much. Along with life stepping in and taking over. So has depression and anxiety along with it. There are good days. There are bad days. There are just plain shouldn't this day just start over days.

I would have never thought that being 6+ years post disruption (seems like it was JUST FREEKING YESTERDAY) I would still miss my boy as much as I do. Often wonder if the lil bits of info we get from him from time to time makes it harder. I guess I will never know.

I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the rages.I don't miss the pissing everywhere. I don't miss all the RAD crap.

I miss him. I miss his infectious smile. I miss the way he loved his sister. I miss being his mom. I miss being able to take his Senior Pictures. I miss not being able to see him go off to Prom or Homecoming.....I miss those things.

Broken, Tattered, and Shattered

2011-09-12T11:53:00.000-07:00

Those are the 3 words that come to my mind when I think about the last 13 years of our life when it comes to Cor, the system, our experience, our family, the entire situation.

Just a few days ago, I almost said outloud to one of my sweet soul sisters (or txt bc we txt often) that I am/have been in a pretty good place when it comes to this entire situation.

I've felt a ton of peace when it comes to Cor and everything that has followed.

Until today.

This weekend my dh received 3 phone calls in 2 hours. Not one message was left. None. He will receive cluster calls from Cor during a 2-3 day time period. But often, not several in one day. DH didn't answer them. He didn't acknowledge it. I got worried. Three calls in 2 hours? Could something be wrong? Could he be ill?

I turned to FB and did some lurking. I know that his BM is friends on FB w/his foster mom. I figured out who his FM was bc I could see who his BM's friends were and well...when you only have a hand full it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Turns out, I was right smack on. I was also smack on that recent supervised visits with BM (per Cor telling my dh about a month ago in a phone conversation) would go sour. BM/FM are no loner friends on FB. Interesting.

Last night, my dh received 2 phone calls w/in minutes of each other from Cor. The 2nd call there was a message left. He refused to listen to it. Said he didn't care. I can't fault him for not talking to Cor. And doing so only when he feels like he can. He is pretty good about not answering calls when our children are awake or around. It is energy draining for him. And I accept and understand that. Cor has only left 1 message in the 2 years since we were 'located' by one of his group home owners. The last message wasn't a very nice one. And left both my dh and I in a bad spot. So I get why Dh didn't want to listen to it.

Today is my day off. We decided to go into town this morning after the kids were sent off to school. I knew he hadn't listened to the message. I still said "So, what did Corry want?" He said "oh, I forgot he called." He listened to the message.

It wasn't Cor. It was his FM. She was wanting to know if DH would give her some background on this kid. What kind of abuse and from whom he had been abused by. And if he had ever abused animals or other children in our home.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!

Oi!! We are always happy (or my dh is anyway...and I would be, too) to give any and all information we have on Cor. We love him. We've always loved him. We spent several years giving that chidl everything we had. We filed bankruptcy twice bc we literally spent every penny and then some trying to get him help. No amount of anything was helpful. If by chance, we can share a little bit of something to one of his caregivers now that will HELP THEM or PROTECT THEM or the children in their home OR Cor...then we will do it.

DH had a 30-45 min. phone conversation w/this lady.

Cor is in jail. Big person jail. She is giving him 1 more chance and that is ONLY bc he went to respite this weekend and didn't receive his medication and it isn't his fault he didn't receive his meds. True. But in all reality, not really. He attempted to hurt her. I believe he did hurt her. Dh didn't give me exact details and I was able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

DH told FM lots and lots of stuff. As much as one can in a 30-45 min conversation. I was got out of the car when I knew I was about to loose my shit. James made some type of comment that he is always amazed at how highly Cor has held DH on a pedestal (true!!!). And FM said "OMG...I know. You can do and never have done any wrong in this boys eyes. He highly respects you and what you tell him. If you tell him he needs to shape his shit up and xyz...then for the next several days he will try very hard. Saying "I need to make my dad proud of me". She then proceeded to tell dh that he has told her that he was abused in our home. Which she hasn't believed. But he is adament and consistant about the abuse he endured in our home.

Fuck. Really?
This is what I hear and internalize in that comment.

The kid thinks DH can do no wrong and highly respects him. Well, who the hell else does that lead to have abused him? Me.

It is probably best that I not hear that from him. I might just end up abusing him. Except for the fact he is nearly a foot taller than I am. So that wouldn't go so well I'm sure.

I'm amazed that this seems to be the longest foster/treatment placement he has had. This lady knew nothing of his previous placements in psych hospital that led to RTC that led to being placed in theraputic home. She knew nothing about him hurting his siblings, nothing about ANYTHING.

Fuck. REALLY?
I'm pissed today.
I'm hurt today.
I'm angry today.

I really would love to just run the freeking SW, who is STILL invovled in his care....you know the SAME ONE for the last 10 years....run his ass over. Seriously, it is probably best we don't ever meet on the street. He never be a passenger of mine. I would SOOOO leave his ass in a rain storm. Better yet in a blizzard. Drive right past him...after I spit my gum out at him.

I know....I'm not very grown up about what I have to say or think or feel. I'm sure I sound like a whiney ass cry baby having a temper tantrum. Guess what? I really don't care. Because that is exactly what I am doing....having a huge freeking tantrum. And it is all I can do not to call the DCFS Social Worker and give him the riot act.

He failed this kid.

Again and again and again....

If I went to work and failed to do my job...the state would no longer allow me to work. If I hurt somoene, I would no longer be allowed to work. We both have state jobs....and this dumbass continues to just mess it up.

Our family was broken.
Our family was tattered.
Our family was shattered.

Our son was broken.
Our son was tattered.
Our son was shattered.

The system is broken.
The system is tattered.
The system is shattered.

We are not alone

2011-08-20T22:16:00.001-07:00

I can not express how thankful and blessed I am right now.

I have a dh who suggested we take a road trip to Indiana to meet up with another Soul Sister. We are hoping to go Labor Day weekend if my work hours match. I wasnt 100% on board this morning. He then suggested to go to Chicago. After some texting back and forth....quick packing and a 2.5 hr drive...my family is snoring...and I am laying in a hotel room next to a fellow adoptive family and even better a Soul Sister who gets me!

We share so much in common. Even more than both of our families have adopted. We both know the heartache and pain it has brought on so many different levels.

This is the best therapy around!!

Not for the Faint of Heart

2011-08-17T09:24:00.000-07:00

Over and over I'm reminded that adoption and disruption is not for the faint of heart.

As a matter of fact it breaks your heart and definately makes your heart even more faint.

Few weeks ago, Cor called his dad (as he does weekly only my dh doesn't answer the calls often) and informed him he was "meeting up with his bio mom and bio sister". He fed his dad a bunch of "info" that bio birth vessel had filled his head with. Suchh as " she has been clean, sober, and out of trouble for 10+ years". That is a crock of shit if I ever heard one. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look her up on our states court system and find out...numerous domestic battery, numerous restraining orders, numerous prostition, numerous...IN arrests. She may have not been in prison. But she sure as hell hasn't stopped A: lying and B: stayed out of trouble.

Whatever. It isn't my problem. Well, if I make it my problem...I guess it is.

Because I'm gluten for punishment I tend to 'check' up on her on FB. When you only have 11 FB friends and then this week you have 12 listed. It is rather easy to see who your new friend is.

Who might that be?

My former PCP's nurse and aquaintance...someone whom I thought the world of AND our former "puppy class instructor". Oh' and she is also.....a foster parent and lives in the same town that C lives in. And......has a picture of Cor in her photos!

Just a lovely day it is!

I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up if I Tried...

2011-08-07T19:24:00.000-07:00

Every step of the way, I have often thought that there is no way I could make up even half of the bs that has surrounded our 'adoption story'.

You know the one where you and your spouse go through years of infertility. Have 4 specialist in 4 years tell you ...Ms _ you will never conceive naturallly.....and then you decide to look into adoption

Only to find out the cost is above and beyond your current ability so you let it sit on the back burner for awhile. Putting all your faith in the Lord and saying "In HIS time we will move forward. In HIS time we will become parents. In HIS time OUR CHILDREN will be brought to this earthly home of ours...."

Only to have the agency you orginally contacted and NEVER filled out any paperwork or even give them your info....yolu just inquired...to have them contact you and tell you that YOU were chosen by bio grandparents of a child that WOULD eventually be available for adoption....

Then not even a year later have that bio family contact you, in an emergency, and have us take the child for emergency respite.

ONLY to have that emergency placement become...permanent.

Only...only only only only only......

to have so many wrongs end up making a right.

ONLY to have so many rights....end up being WRONG!!

To have lived your life in such a Christian/Christ-like manner that you were certain this child was your child. And you believed with all your heart that the Lord had orchistrated a true miracle (which I still do believe) when you found out you were pregnant for your first biological child, only a few short weeks after you signed the intent to adopt paperwork. Having said ALL ALONG that you would NOT adopt or follow-thru with adopting should we get pregnant before this child was placed w/us permantly for adoption.

Only...only...only!!

Only to have so much that seemed so dang right. Go so VERY wrong.

I couldn't make this Sh*t up if I tried....

***you know the disruption sh*t.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh.
***you know the hooking up w/bio mom on FB and ever so often friend requests that you get.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh that go unanswered.
***you know the pulling into a McD's parking lot....over an hour from your home, on your way to do a photoshoot....ONLY to see this child...whom you have only seen a picture of on your states waiting child listing and his FB profile pic....to SEE him walking into McD's for breakfast (or lunch...could have been either bc it was right about that time.)
***you know the phone calls...the ones that happen as I'm responding to a blog comment..just seconds before beginning this post.

Ever so often....as in this last week....I say to myself many times a day...."i couldn't make this shit up if I tried" and a few other things that I will not go into on this blog.

There is Healing.....

2011-07-20T20:23:00.000-07:00

....for me.

...slowly.

....very very very very....SLOWLY!

This evening....I was childless. I was husband-less.

Thank the good Lord!! Oh' how I needed just some "me" time.

My BIL came over. Changed the locks in our new house. Reprogrammed our garage door openers. Did a few other misc. things. He was in-out-gone in less than an hour.

I walked around in my fat shorts. AKA: biker shorts and tank top - incomando and braless.

Because I can.

I then....went out into the garage.

Looked for a hammer.
Looked for some nails.

And decided to pound some holes in my walls.
And decided to look in some boxes and hang up a few pictures.

And....the very first box I opened....was a box that has not been opened in several years. As in....3-4 yrs.

After our disruption we also moved. I never hung up the "adoption day photo collage" and other pics of Cor. There were a few pictures that were put in my dresser drawer. That was about it.

The first large frame that came out of that box (remember I had no clue what was in this box...it just said "pictures")...was our "Adoption Finalization...Mommy was big and fat and pregnant and we were a happy family.....and our Family Sealing Pictures that were taken the day after our finalization".

Ouch.

Or it could have been.

I looked at it and thought ...."yeah. where is this going to go".

I was not able to find a spot that I felt was appropriate. It isn't something that I want to be showing out in the open for just anyone to comment on. I am not sure that I am ready for the constant reminder...every day....but somewhere. I think in our downstairs family room is where it will end up. I stuck the frame in my closet w/the other portrait frames I don't know where to put. It did not go back in the "don't hang up and file away pile" like a few of the frames.

There are times when I can't think, talk, look, see, here....anything that has to do w/this situation.

And today....I'm able to see a picture and think 'Hot dang that boy is good looking"

And leave it as....

it is what it is.
it is out of my control.

On Hope, Grieving, Hurting Parents, and maybe....more.

2011-07-20T07:47:00.000-07:00

Not sure that I can/will accurately blog about what I really want to say. However, I will give it a try.

A few days ago I read a blog post that triggered a hot spot for me. My initial response was to comment back. To blog about it. To say what I truly felt. And then I decided not to. "just keep your mouth shut..." and so I did.

I've not read the comments and honestly, I've not read any other blogs since reading this particular post. It has just touched a sore spot w/me and I decided I needed to step back. I've tried very hard in the last few weeks/months to step back as I get angry/mad about something. "Is this about you? Why am I feeling as if this is a direct dig at me? I did what I could with MY kid...." and on and on. Trying to step back from what it was/is that sends me into that lil tail spin.

So here goes it...my .02 cents.

I've spend a great deal of energy...angry at the entire situation at hand when it comes down to our adoption, disruption, years of in/out of treatment/respite, the damage done to my other children, ect ect....

At times...yes...I've been angry at my child. Something that Deborah Hage and our local therapist told me over and over and over and over and over was.....This kid has the ability to heal. He doesn't want to! And this is something that I often discount.

This will be semi short. I can't accurately say what I want/need to say. As I was sitting here writing this out, texting with Laurie and getting caught up on my google reader that I've not read since reading the original post that sent me in a tizzy....and prompted me to start writing this post. I read a post by Corey. I'm certain that just about anyone that reads my blog....reads Corey's. So if you've not read her post she states what I'm thinking so much more eloquently.

I will wrap up with one more thought...when your child RAD or not...is hurting your other children. In traumatic manner -- it is very hard to not be angry. Even though I know the RAD/Mental illness part of my son did so much of the damage in my house. I also know, that he purposefully hurt his brother. When the child is able to turn it on/off at the drop of a hat and in the process....his newborn brother and toddler sister were hurt in the process.....yeah...it is really hard to not be angry. It is really hard to not be angry that 5+ years later after we have disrupted we are still living the triangulation and bs on many levels. We still get phone calls. We still get bills. It is really hard to not be angry....when the effects have been so life damaging and continue to wreak havoc on our lives.

Steve Holy - Love Don't Run lyrics

2011-07-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

This is a very powerful song.

On so many different levels.

It is a very painful song.

On so many different levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This evening this song appeared on a google reader blog that I follow.

I know this particular blogger probably has no clue that I lurk on her blog daily. I actually am in awe and love her love and faith. And I wish that for one second of the day I could have the strength and courage that this women has.

This song is so very powerful....this evening as I heard this song I thought of the young man that sent me a FB friend request this week. How I did leave him and my love did run.

And...and....and...we didn't get through it!

This song means so very much.....

on such very different levels.

Deep breathe in...
Deep breathe out...
Rinse.
Repeat.
Lather.

A Day of Nothing

2011-06-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

That is exactly what I'm doing.
Not a darn thing.
Well, maybe unpack a dish here and there.
I was scheduled to work from 2-10pm on a rather bad night run. My old one to be exact. I have a PICC line and it itches and hurts from time to time and.....I just don't feel like leaving my house.
So I called in sick. I have 2 FMLA applications on file. One for the PICC line/infusion treatments and one for anxiety/depression. And so....I decided to use today as a mental health day.

And...I'm doing just that. Taking a day. To CHILL and RELAX!! On my new deck. In my new lounge chair. In the sun. With my laptop and my dogs. Only thing better would be my dh sitting next to me.

Today...I will channel my anger into something positive. I will channel my grief into something posttive.

I can't promise that tmw will be a good day.
I can't pormise that tmw will be a bad day.

for today...I will just sit and relax. And pray that I can keep it this way.

Happy 17th Birthday

2011-06-27T20:03:00.000-07:00

I can't even begin to blog about how incredible difficult each of Cor's birthdays is for me. We share our birthdays 1 day apart. And prior to our disruption/TPR it was always a big deal.

Cor and Mom - Celebrating our Birthdays 1999. Mommy was VERY pregnant and Cor loved to hold Momma's BIG belly

The last week has been a whirlwind of activity and in the proccess of buying a house, moving to our new house, having a PICC line inserted and having it go not so good, and then a very tragic accident involving a friend of mine. In the process of the whirlwind the reality of Cor's bd creeping up on me....didn't really sink in until I got my first "Happy Birthday G" phone call. "Crap...it is my birthday....that means it is Cor's bd....crap!!"
And....the pit in my stomach began.

Cor and his baby sis Ab...the day Ab came home from the hosptial. Mommy was sleeping. Grandma was having fun and taking MANY pictures while Mommy slept and Daddy worked.

Cor's 6th BD 2000

My heart hurts as I think....

17 yrs old

Great Article on Recovering from a Loss

2011-06-02T18:45:00.000-07:00

This evening I came across this blog link "Can you actually RECOVER from a Loss?" It is very powerful. The quote/comment at the beginning of the article = powerful. To me anyway. Hope you are able to find some sort of good out of it.

500 Miles....I'll get there...

2011-05-28T20:10:00.000-07:00

~~s.l.o.w.l.y~

I'm trying, one step at a time...to keep moving.
To not give in.
To keep my head above the water.
And in those moments where I'm at home and my anxiety gets to be to much, I resort to Nia's old bedroom. Step up on my eliptical and start going.

Sometimes for 5 minutes. Sometimes for 10. Sometimes for 2. Sometimes for 60.
Whatever it takes.

Today has been a very bad day.
Work was good and bad. Lots and lots of triggers. Every young man Cor's age sends that 'negative self talk' spinning.

My parents called and met us for dinner. That was nice. A much needed break.
And so...in return I took a pic I found recently of Cor that I loved so much. (stuck it in my purse so my kids woudlnt' find it) yet it breaks my heart to see.

And climbed up on my eliptical.

Trying to remember that I have bronchitis. Trying to remember that my chest REALLY hurts. But....I needed to work off some of whatever it was that is bothering me. And 5 miles and 90 minutes later....I got off for good. (I had gotten off a few times to cough up a lung, puke, rinse, repeat, get some pain meds).
And if I could physically keep going......I would. Because when I'm on that thing - the anger, the frustration, the "i'm gonna drown" thinking.....its gone. Well, not completely...but enough that I can tell the difference.

And so..at a snails pace...I MIGHT make it to 500 miles by next March. Or the following March. IDK.

Happy Mother's Day

2011-05-07T16:39:00.001-07:00

To all the trauma Momma's i hope and pray you will be able to find slid sort of peace and love within this Mothers Day.

I know first hand how suck E this day can be. It still is. Last year was not to had.. this year i will be working. Last year it didn't bother me to much to work. However this yea Im struggling with it. for many reasons that Im sure those who have lived in our shoes know. For me this 'week' marks a significant trauma-versary that some years and harde than others.

As much as i know Im not alone...right now sure feels like it. No amount of comments to that comment will change the fact that. ..in my everyday life..in my friendships and those that i speak to and email regularly....don't get it. Over the last little bit I've felt this more and more. And this weekend it is magnified even more.

it wasn't supposed to be like this

2011-04-25T21:02:00.000-07:00

..this was not in the plans.

remembering amidst the grief, pain and sorrow.
remembering that i really don't like the shoes i'm wearing.
remembering that these shoes hurt my feet.
remembering that healing from a heartache caused by R.A.D. sucks huge donkey balls.
remembering that............
...I miss you today....
just as I missed you yesterday....and every day.

Trauma-versary's suck!
12 years ago this past week.....marked the anniversary of our finalization.

Troll

2011-03-31T02:39:00.001-07:00

Closed comments to annon users.
I have no patience or empathy on stupid people. Plain.cut.simple.dry!!!

Enough said.

These are the days....

2011-03-26T20:03:00.000-07:00

and weeks....
and months......

and....and...and......

I just want to go to bed.
Set the alarm back about 12-13 years.

and....and....and.......

take a do-over.

Walk the steps differently.
Believe differently.
Trust differently.

I would do it.

I'm going to bed.
Going to set my alarm ahead so that I remember to wake up and go to work.
And pray that somehow....

tomorrow....
the next day.....
the next week....
the next month.....
or even the next life.....

There will be closure.

....PS: I have VERY little faith that will happen. But hell it is worth the try, right?

Selah-All of me

2011-03-20T21:42:00.000-07:00

And then....this evening as I laid in bed trying to make sense of "all that is me" and the doubt and weary heart that I've had for so long.....I turned on the radio. Life 102.5.....the DJ was speaking to me I'm guessing. Because before he played this song he said "my friends....those of you who are weary, have lost your way.....this is for you. Surrender all of your heart....(and more)..."

That would be me. Weary. Broken. Lost. Grief Stricken. Over. And. Over. Again.....fear and doubt definately plague my thoughts so often.

"You're Not Alone" (LDS)

2011-03-20T21:30:00.000-07:00

Few days ago I needed to just get out of the house. And so I went for a drive. Lacking the IPod cord I needed I listened to my CD's.

This is what I heard....

Rocky Waves

2011-03-17T12:05:00.000-07:00

Cocoa Beach, FL

I don't even know that I can truthfully blog about how incredible hurt I am right now....today being one of those days.

Hell, I don't even know when the tears will stop falling.

I've started this blog post over and over and over again over the last hour or so.

I guess looking at the photo header "You Are Not Alone" is what I need to do. Becuase right now, in my marriage...in my home...in my life as a whole....I am very much alone. And that knife that has been jabbed into my heart so many times over the last 12 years just got a bit deeper. Twisted a bit more and a bit deeper.

Someone please tell me again...Why in the hell did I ever want to adopt? Why did I ever agree to adopt? Why? Seriously! Because something that I truly thought was sooooo very much what the Lord wanted us to do...has turned out to be so damn horrific and painful. And continues to be a mess on my marriage.

2011-03-15T11:41:00.000-07:00

Cocoa Beach, FL - Seeking Shelter from the Rain

While we were at Cocoa Beach on Friday it began to rain. When we first arrived the sky was bright blue and beautiful. The waves/water were just as beautiful. Children and families everywhere. Digging and building in the sand.

After being there for a little bit (less than an hour) it began to sprinkle. The waves started getting bigger/rockier.

We sought shelter under the Pier (AKA: Restraunt).

There is beauty in the dark and dreariness under that pier. Even though at moments the waves were (are) rocky and fierce....the beauty continues to shine on.

I'm trying to see the beauty that lies in the rocky waves of my heart today. And not having much success.

Layers of Loss as told by Peace in Puzzles (and my .02 cents)

2011-03-13T16:49:00.000-07:00

I'm quite certain if you read my blog you also read Peace in Puzzles. Just in case you don't and/or you missed this awesome post called Layers of Loss. You need to stop what you are doing. Take a deep breathe. And move fwd and read this beautiful article. Right now. Then come back and read the rest of this post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many times during the last 6-8 weeks prior to going to Orlando - I had to be talked down off the ledge and reminded that I WOULD needed to go. Nothing horrible would happen.

And I did.
And I had a great time.
And it didn't kill me. (I never believed that it would kill me. But you know...it might have)
And I didn't kill anyone else. (It wasn't really something I thought would happen. But you know....it might have)
And there were moments that I had to get up and walk away from the conversation in order to prevent myself from wanting to scream and/or kicking something/someone.

Regardless of what our own individual opinions, thoughts, desires, circumstances, ect ect ect....every single mother that stepped foot on Orlando (actually Kissimmee) soil last week...was sooo veyr different than the other. Yet, we were all soooooooooooooooo very much the same.

More thoughts on Orlando 2011

2011-03-09T20:15:00.001-08:00

I've thought a great deal about my weekend in Orlando.

I've started, stopped, backed up, deleted, erased and came back over and over again.

Mostly in part because I find myself feeling very very vulnerable.

The entire time I was Cor's mom....I was judged.

By my husband.

By my family.

By my friends.

By the professionals in our life.

By everyone!

I'm not saying that to 'over-kill' it.

It is what it is - one might say.

However, the damage is done.

No matter who you are I will be leary of you. Unless you are Corey because you have held out your hand (or your email, text, blah blah blah) and you are walking a journey of pain and sorrow . Unless you are Christine because you've not only adopted from a disruption but you also blog about it....(btw: this post is when I said 'hey...she frign gets it. hot damn"). There are more of you. I know. Oh' how I know. I spoke to one of you today on my way to work. I hung up and then went into work w/swollen face from sitting in my car for another 20 min. in a puddle of tears.

I can't really accurately state what I'm wanting to say...my head is spinning. From Orlando. From the the emotional aspect that it had on my heart....which was much harder than ever expected. And from a legal/political/job stand point - as our Senate did something rather unethical and from all reports thus far illegal. Regardless, it effects me. In a rather negative way. It will effect my children, my family.

Read this post by Christine if you do NOTHING ELSE.

Orlando has come and gone....

2011-03-08T16:07:00.000-08:00

............and it is way to long till it comes again.

I knew it would be hard.
I knew it would be great.
I knew I would meet some awesome momma's who are doing way more than I could ever dream of.
I knew I needed to go.
I knew it would be life changing on so many levels.

I went in w/very little expectations.
For myself - I needed to do that.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Adoption disruption is not for the faint of heart. It isn't for everyone. I can't even say it is for anyone. As in who the hell goes into adoption saying "Well....if I don't get my way, if my kid doesn't attach, if this or that happens....we will disrupt". No. That isn't the case. And unfortuante for so many parents (momma's) this is the general thought among others. At least, in my experience.

I've met very few people in my life who have been, who are, who can, who want to.....understand. And that goes for members of my family. Close friends who are no longer friends. Professionals who call themselves Professionals. And the list goes on and on.

Among the 65-70 women who landed in Orlando from all over the USA and Canada there were a select few of us who have disrupted. I didn't not get a chance to connect in a way that I was hoping.

There were a couple of ladies who are walking that fine line that I did get to spend a little bit of time with. I wish it could have been so much more. I would have given anything.....simple anything....to spend a few more hours, another day....another week.....with one of those ladies. To love on them. To be loved. To laugh. To cry. To just BE!!

Temporary - Maybe

2011-03-08T12:43:00.000-08:00

I've lifted the private off this blog for the moment. It is likely that any second, depending upon the wind....the smell in the air.....or whatever it might be.....that I will put it back to private.

For today...it is not private. If you read my blog regularly, I met you at the Orlando Trauma Momma's/Soul Sister Retreat and you would like access should I go private - comment w/your email address. I will not approve the comment in order to protect your email address and so forth.

To Be Very Honest....

2011-03-05T20:07:00.000-08:00

~I knew coming to Orlando would be fun, hard, freakish, and so very much more.

~Hard is an understatement.

~Huge understatement.

I'm Here...

2011-03-03T08:08:00.000-08:00

and still breathing.

Sitting in MKE airport. Drinking a very large soda. I get 3 refills before I leave. I think i will settle for just 1. And then I will be boarding a plane. Heading to Baltimore and then from there on to Orlando.

I made it. I've not back out. I've not went postal and ran anyone over w/my bus. (Although I've thought about it.)

My laptop mouse is acting up. So this will be short.

Sending my love to my peeps who will be meeting up w/me over the next 24 hrs. To the peeps who are unable to meet up w/us in Orlando.

More later.

Fake it Till You Make It and more

2011-02-08T21:20:00.000-08:00

This morning I had 3 dr appts back to back. As I mentioned in this post on my other blog I had 2 appts at my primary care office - PT for my shoulder and then to see my primary as a follow up from my accident last week. The 3rd appt was w/my therapist.

Over the last 2 months I've pretty much fallen off the ledge - or - should say came pretty close. It isn't so much Corry related as it is a mixture of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. With a very large part just plain clinical depression add in significant iron/b12/vit d deficiencies and then add everything else into the mixture. You can pretty much say I've been a disaster waiting to happen...or not. IDK.

As we went into the depths of hell with Corry in therapy a very common theme was FAKE IT TO YOU MAKE IT montra. I've never really liked it. My current and previous therapists have said this to me. And so many others.

Each time I just think whatever.....

J my current therapist hasn't worked w/me during a downward spiral that has lasted this long. This morning, as I was trying to hold back tears for various reasons....physically (aka: bruised ribs) and emoitonally....and giving J an update of the last week. She saw a completely different side of me than she ever has. I've been able hold my composure for the most part and be rather matter of fact. Someone (you know who you are) recently told me "u are good at not putting it all out there, diminishing how things really are " (or something similiar to that)...

Somewhere along the line she said "Sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it".

It didn't go over so well. I wanted to puke. I let her know telling me to fake it till I make it probably wasn't a good idea. ever. specially when I've been in the space I've been in. Reality is....we were told that w/Cor for years. And I did. Or tried. And I didn't make it. If I did make it. Corry would still be my son.

And here I am several hours later....still stewing on that piece.

How I physically reacted to that little comment that I've heard soooo many times and even said many times myself.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

We discussed some of the anxiety (fears) I have about going to Orlando. How that mixes in w/my current struggle.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

This post has actually taken me several hours to write....bc depression is a serious medical condition and so are anxiety attacks....(I just heard that on the TV) and it has taken me that long to gather my thoughts and keep myself from truly coming unglued....(not like I haven't already).

Will He Really Answer Me

2011-02-01T17:30:00.000-08:00

Really, Lord?

2011-02-01T14:25:00.000-08:00

Do you really think that I needed one more thing on my plate, today? Of all days...after being told I had to be off work for YET another WEEK because of a work comp injury?

Is it my lack of faith?
Is it my lack of testimony?
Is it my lack of anything positive?
Is it...what is it?

I dont' get it.

I've tried to Surrender All...

...I'm thinking I must not be doing it right or some dang thing.

Really...I can't take any.more!!!

My heart just can't take anymore.
My emotional health can't take anymore.
Nothing. Okay.

Sometimes - Love is Enough

2011-02-01T07:24:00.000-08:00

I've deleted this post, edited, rinse and repeat several times over the last couple days.

It was something that was spinning in my lil ol' brain yesterday as the 43 ft long vehicle I was driving became acquainted with a Chrysler Town & Country....in a rather abrupt manner. Leaving I'm sure the driver of the minivan very sore...since I know how sore I am today. Survival mode went into play for the next hours and the thoughts that were spinnng around in my lil' ol brain took the back burner for a while.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So as to the title of this post....

Sometimes LOVE IS ENOUGH.....and lots of hard work and sweat and tears and I just want to bang my head up against the wall.......sometimes.....All that hard work pays off. Even if it is for one split second of one really hard day.

Atleast it was for this mom....when she blogged yesterday about her daughters MONUMENTAL moment she had w/her daughter V. yesterday. One that left me laying in bed reading her post this morning trying to decide if I shouldl cry because my ribs hurt, because of such a huge moment for V, or just because well....I've done lots of crying lately. I spent so much time looking, waiting, hoping, praying for little moments like Corey and V had yesterday. Hope that....yes indeed....we could get to the end. And the tears shed this morning were a mixture of hope for V and her darling momma and her future healing and grief because damn....I wanted so much for Cor to have that. And I firmly believe...HE could have had it.....it just wasn't meant to be. And if V. really wants to...it is there for to grab on and do the hard work. She's doing the hard work. Slowly but surely...she's doing it.

Kuddos to V and Corey. And damn I can't wait till March bc I need a hug!!

Another blog post from another awesome mom on HOPE.....read it. Read it. Inhale it if you need. Every single word of it.

So if you've not lost hope......find it. In something. Small.

2011-01-30T18:24:00.001-08:00

Telling someone who struggles with depression to just get over it....is like telling someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk!!

It's Gonna Be Alright....

2011-01-30T09:14:00.000-08:00

If you say so! ;-)

I have listened to this song by Sarah Grooves more timews in the last 2-3 weeks than ever. It is a close mix between this song and 'F*ckin Perfect by Pink'

Two very different genre but both very much the same in the realms
Where I find myself.

I've had the same cell phone number ever since --- I got a cell
The day before my youngest was born 8.5 years ago. And my dh has had the same for as long
As I can remember him having one--about 6+ years.

We NEVER give our home number out. When Cor's group home dad (he's had several since) got ahold of our home number 2 yrs ago...it was tough. Jms gave him his cell w/strict orders to NNEVER call the house again.

Its happened. A few times over the last month or two.

Then my cells been getting calls.

Unlike my DH...I will change my number. It will be tough. But I will do it.

Part of me feels guilty for thinking that I should. The other part of me screams 'WTH leave me the eff alone' and rinse and repeat.

It's Gonna Be Alright...
Somehow-i keep telling myself.

Sometimes....the smallest of comments.....

2011-01-29T19:50:00.000-08:00

......still hurt. More deeply than I would have expected.

I've composed a blog post several times this evening.

Each time deleting the post...instead....of pressing publish post.

Today I've asked myself over and over..."Why in the world do you have to be so dang emotional?"

WHY o-WHY o-WHY o-WHY o-WHY o-WHY

*****instead of deleting...I'm going to publish. Because....welll......I got this far. I''ve wrote more but deleted bc well...I just have. The subject/first line says it all.***********

Haven't Forgotten....

2011-01-23T21:47:00.000-08:00

I've not forgotten that I posted saying I was going to switch this blog over to private.
I've not forgotten that I really am torn about what I should do.

Truth be told....at this very moment I don't really have the energy or care to deal with it.

And until I have the energy, care, or someone smacks upside the head it is going to just remain as is.

I know have to go put my work shirt up because I guess the 2 kittens in our hous have decided since I hung it over the chair it was free reign to climb up it. Not like they don't have a cat tree and several other places to play. Nope. My work shirt is the best place to be right now.

Private

2011-01-19T09:38:00.000-08:00

Bit of a clean up going on here.

I've read one to many emails or 'attempted' comments from asshats who"

A: Don't get disruption
B: Don't get depression.
C: Don't give a crap and just are idiots

And since my own emotional well being has struggled off and on the last several years. With a much deeper dip downward the last 6+ weeks. I've decided to make my blog private.

I don't believe I have many people who follow this anyway. Which makes it much easier to do.

I started this blog for me. For my own therapy so to speak. And if along the way something helped someone. Great.

If you would like me to add you to the list of approved readers - please email me at abnbry @ gmail (dot) com and I will do so. However, if I've never heard from you, don't know what your blog is or anything like that. Please know that you will most likely NOT be approved. I'm sure there are plenty of lurkers that I don't know about. Well, if you are now is the time to come out of lurk-kindom and make yourself known bc right now....I don't care either way. Sorry...just in a beotchy mood.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Over the last hour I've spent a great deal of time 'cleaning up' and deleting several posts. Don't ask why. I just did...because it is my blog and I can.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I probably will set my other blog private, also. Haven't decided at this point.

Should(s)

2011-01-16T11:33:00.000-08:00

...so much of what SHOULD of been!

As I sat yesterday (and will be several times over the next months)..my heart was full so full of gratitude that I have healthy children. That my daughter was competing AND raising money for St. Jude Hospital. Full of gratitude for the ability our family had to be @ this 20th year celebration.

And as with so many milestones that we have and are meeting with Ab, my heart is full of sorrow as I think of all the things tht SHOULD have been.

I watched the young men Cor's age competing for gold medals at EVERY LEVEL and fought back tears at what SHOULD have been.

I'm in no way saying Cor would have been competing. No I'm not. I know he loved to tumble, flip and trampolines and I'm sure given the opportunity could have been one great power tumbler!

It's a tough spot I'm in. As logic, daily life and such tell me we did our best and we know tht the outcome would not change as our son is to sick to live in a family.

Yet logical and grief don't always agree.

You're going to Orldando....because why?

2011-01-09T16:46:00.000-08:00

After our disruption one of the aspects that has been hard for me is how/what/where do you draw the line in telling others.

There are many people who know we adopted Corry. Who were part of his life before he came to our family. Who were friends of ours via church and friends of his bio family via church. This has been something that we haven't been able to take away.

It has been one of the reasons why my attendance has been few and far between when it comes to regular church attendance.

I don't discuss our adoption of Cor and the happenings there-after with my 'now' friends, coworkers and such. Truth be-told.....one of the hardest aspects of this journey has been walking it a.l.o.n.e! My dh and I don't even discuss it.

Recently, I've mentioned on FB that I was working New Year's Eve after having worked ALL day (literally I worked from 5:15am-3:45am w/few breaks in between) and I was doing so bc of the prize....double time in order to pay for my trip to Orlando. Couple other comments were made about purchasing my tickets to Orlando at a REALLY.GOOD.RATE from S.outhwest A.irlines. (under $200 RT). With those comments have come the "why are you going? you are going by yourself? really? no dh? ect ect"

With that has come increased anxiety on my part.

Severe.Anxiety.because.I.really.don't.want.to.discuss.it....

Not that I don't want to.
I can't always do so.

I don't want sympathy.
I don't want the 'oh my g_ that is why my dh and I won't adopt' comments..
I don't want the 'oh my you poor thing, your poor kids, i hope i can remember to not say anything in front of ab, blah.crap.blah.crap.blah.crap.' comments.

It is a tough spot to be in. I've done fairly well over the last few years of picking and choosing when/if something has been said.

Yet, I'm finding myself in an odd place. Where I don't know what to say or not say. I don't want to lie about why I'm going. Yet, I also don't always want to tell others. I've got to request the dates off work. Yet, I don't know what to say to my boss. Because of how our union and time off works.....I will have to get 'pre-approval' for the dates off. I can't go to her to early. Yet, I can't wait to follow the union guidelines...which means I will need to go to my direct boss or the chief of operations for approval. I also recognize that my boss has broken confidentiality in the past when it comes to something that was disclosed in my initial interview process as to why I was unemployed for an extended amount of time. Therefore, I don't 100% trust that I will be able to tell her the 100% truth and have it not shared. Yes, I know I could have recourse. I also know that...I need my job and thus....filing a grievance would not be in my best interest.

So, that is where I'm at.

What and how much, if any...do I disclose about my upcoming trip to Orlando.

What are you trying to teach me, Lord?

2011-01-04T19:42:00.000-08:00

There are times in everyone's lives that we find ourselves faced with the fact we have to be strong. For whatever reason it is the only choice we have. I know that each of the RAD mommy and daddy's reading this post will know exactly what I am saying. And I can only imagine that Non-RAD parents think the same thing. Just on a different level and intensity.

Often in my day to day life, more so when Cor was at home/psych hosp/RTC/treatment foster and then after our disruption....I would think...or rather YELL..."Lord, what is it that you are trying to teach me?" . I've cried till I haven't any tears, I've screamed till I haven't any voice left. And still I don't have any more answers today than I did 12 years ago when I started walking down this path.

The last week or so (or more) has been a big "being stong is the only choice I have".
The last week or so (or more) has been a big "what are you trying to teach me, Lord?"

Selah, "Unredeemed"

2011-01-03T18:26:00.000-08:00

Very few days go by, if any, that I do not listen to my Ipod on my way to work. It has been no secret, in my blogging/FB that my job is anything but relaxing. Sure days like today...are pretty relaxing and not to bad. Hoewver, 9 out of 10 days are very much the opposite.

That is why nearly every.single.day before I get out of my car, walk into that building and on to my assignment for the day....I listen to CD that I purchased from Itunes. This is one of the many songs on my IPod from Selah....

I've posted this video before, I believe. There are many days that are great as he states in his 'preference' to signing this version of Unredeemed and there are many days that are not great.

Be blessed by this song as I have.

17 Years

2011-01-01T12:46:00.001-08:00

It was on this day 17 years ago that the UW Badgers played in the Rose Bowl. I really didn't know much about football (still don't). Today the UW Badgers will play in the Rose Bowl. We will all be sporting our "Teach Me How To Bucky" (click link...pretty dang cool video) T-Shirts as we watch the Rose Bowl with our best friend and her husband and children. I'm sure we will be playing the beloved "I'm a Badger Lover" song several times today. :)

The other significance about this date is....

I married my best friend 17 yrs ago today.

I didn't know he was my best friend. When we were married on the very cold snowy day on January 1, 1994....I wasn't to sure what I was getting into.

17 years later and I am so eternally greatful that I did not throw in the towl. That my 19 yr old brain told me this is it...marry this man.

There have been many ups and downs. There have been days/weeks/months where I didn't know or even believe that we would make it as a complete unit until the following January 1 to celebrate that lovely day.

Those were some trying days. It wasn't that I didn't love him. But that is what happens when you parent a child with severe mental health disabilities. That is what happens when you suffer from severe post partum depression..and just plain depression....for several years following the birth of your 2 biological children. That is what can happen when you are faced with the most gut wrenching horrible choice of...letting 1 child go, in order to keep your other 2 children safe. That is what happens when your inlaws are get divorced because of some pretty tough stuff that shakes your husband to his core....you and your wife have separate VERY major surgeries weeks apart and then.....your wife ends up having complications that are life and child bearing altering.....it is called extreme stress!! It was in these days...in the 2-3 year time span that all of the above (and then some more not mentioned bc it isn't blog-able) happen....that shakes your marriage to the udder core. There have been some very trying years in our marriage. We've got thru them by the pure love and grace of our Father in Heaven. We were not married for Time and All Eternity to throw in the towel w/o a fight.

I'm so thankful for this man and for the inner strength that he holds.

It takes a strong man to be able to swallow his pride and allow his wife to be the bread winner bc he can no longer physically do it. It takes a strong man to be able to accept in today's society that he can no longer work and provide for his family.

He provides for his family more than he will ever know. For this...I am thankful.

I'm thankful that my husband decided to follow the teachings of our religion and go on a mission 20-21 years ago. Thankful that the Lord brought him from his very small town in New York....to the very small branch in Wisconsin...where the seeds were planted for this eternal marriage. I'm thankful that the Lord knew my dh's mission was not to move to WI after his mission to marry someone other than myself and that his previous engagement ended...so he could then come back to That Small Town....only to realize that 'that young new member" had actually graduated from HS...and was ready to be his bride.

Today...the Badgers will play in the Rose Bowl again.....

Today...I will lay on my couch and snuggle w/my husband again.....

and again.....and again.....

As I remember how incredible thankful I am.....for this man I call my husband.

There's no place for tears....

2010-12-30T08:59:00.000-08:00

so instead I will use this blog for the purpose that it was intended.

Don't feel like listening to a bit of venting this morning....just pass this post. The thoughts and such that will be typed out may/may not be very Christ-like. They will probably not even come close to the standards and such of what I try to live up to everyday. And often fall short. I know that my Father in Heaven loves and all that other jazz. But today it just isn't something that I can accept, agree with, believe....

I knew when I picked my quarterly 'pick (aka work hours)' that taking the Extra Board (aka...on call ALL.THE.DANG.TIME) it would be tough. I knew there would be some really hard days. I knew there would be some really easy days. I can't complain about the board because I knew what it was like. I will complain though...about being tired. My day started at 4:45am yesterday. That does not include the 'shower, heat up some toast, warm up your car and travel the 10 miles across town'....I then worked until 5:40pm with little over an hour break. It was tough and emotionally draining.

This morning my day started at 4:45 again. Only today I am not booked with work...I'm sitting...and waiting....for WORK. For someone to call in sick, get in an accident, bus break down, ect ect. At this very moment there are about 7 or 8 people ahead of me waiting for work and there will be about 10-15 more coming in after me.

Last night I got home from work - physically and emotionally drained. I can't really go to bed before 10pm w/o having problems sleeping. I will wake up 2:00am unable to get back to sleep. So at 10pm...I promptly went to bed. I laid there tossing and turning.

The phone rang. I had fallen asleep (and I think my dh did, too) and we were kind of abruptly woken up. Because he didn't recognize the number James didn't answer it. I fell back to sleep very quickly. It is probably 10:30-10:45pm at this point.

This morning James leaves me a groggy message after he had listened to the voicemail...."the phone call last night was Cor. He was calling to wish us a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Here is his message so you know what his voice sounds like".

WTF! Seriously?

I don't give a shit what his voice sounds like. (PLEASE don't get me wrong. I L.O.V.E. this kid. But I CAN'T love him like I did.....as in more than life itself....because otherwise....I would be 6 ft under.) I know what his voice sounds like. He's been calling our house phone every few days over the last few weeks asking 'is this James?" and when I so no...he hangs up. What is there to want to know right now. Nothing.

I don't want or expect my husband to carry the burden of having to talk to him. I've told him you don't have to talk to him because HE IS NOT our child ANYMORE!!! Remember? I've been supportive if he WANTS to talk to him. But he DOESN'T have to!! And for the last several months he hasn't. He even called one of the facilities he was in towards the beginning of the year and told them he was to stop calling w/requests and informed of them of a rather not so nice message we received.

We've not heard anything since early summer - late spring.

"Hi Dad...this is Cor. Just wanted to call and wish you a belated Merry Christmas. Hope you had a nice one. Happy New Year. Tell the kids I said Hi and love them.".

Hi Dad...tell the kids hi?!?!?!?!?!

Really? I've not taken his lack of asking how I am or wanting to talk to me personally. Yet, today....it feels pretty damn personal. It's pure bull shit. And it pisses me off. Things like this that I regret ever having fought as hard as I did.

Please don't tell me it isn't personal. That he can't help it. Because even though I really do know and believe this fact...it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't take away any of it.

This child change who I am as a person. How I look at other people. HOw I react to other people. It didn't change me for the better, in my ever so not so humble opinion...it changed me for the worse. The idiots that were involved w/us as professionals to help us to the idiots in the end to the current idiots.

There are a few other things I would say, too about those idiots. But because this is a public blog I can't publicly write what those other thoughts are. Just know....I'm not an evil person...but I think evil at times. And today is one of them.

How the hell is it that 1 innocent phone call from a hurting young man....who wants to just connect with the only person (my dh) that he considers family can send me from wavering back and forth in the depression hole to a full fledge.....spiral of downward stuff. Its shit. And it sucks. And the only enemy I would wish this upon would be the asshats that put us in this situation. Who from the VERY VERY VERY BEGINNING LIKE DAY 2 of him being in our home (before we had any issues) that 'when it comes to attachment if you provide him with a loving home and meet his needs.....HE will be fine" Dumb ass. How stupid can you be? Really, you make me want to puke. It is a pretty safe bet that he and I will never meet face to face again on this side of Heaven. Heck, today I'm not going to be going anywhere that lovely.I hope I never see his face again. Actually, HE better hope.

I know that the LDS SS agency moved him to another location 1/2 way across the nation when the crap started to hit the fan here. They claim it was because he got a promotion. I believe that about as much as I believe I need a new hole in my head.

The last thing we ever wanted was for this boy to not have a family. But because people with degrees, who never sat 8 mo. pregnant in the middle of a love hold bc the raging 8 yrold was going to hurt himself or your 2.5 yr old baby.....never walked a day in my shoes.....lied to us. They never walked a day in our shoes. Hell, we were lied to even AFTER our disruption and all the way up until the disruption. And I'm sure we would still be lied to and about.

I'll end because nothing is going to be productive with me venting this.

2010-12-28T11:03:00.000-08:00

Just wanted to clarify a few things.

I seen/published Diana's comment and received a few other personal emails from fellow bloggers (or I should say fellow lurkers in some cases) in regards to my last post.

I won't stop blogging. However, the tone or subject might change and may even be directed to a bit of a different audience. I don't believe I would close this blog completely. Just stop publishing posts and start an entirely different blog. There are many different reasons why.

Sure, I still beat myself up. I still have many many regrets when it comes to Our Story. Often I try to make sense of where/what/when/how we got to where we are 12 years after becoming parents to that little blonde curly haired little boy. And yet how I went to T.arget to their after Christmas sale and bought a 4 Stocking Holder saying of "L O V E " for our family of 4...and how I still ahve a 5 peace stocking holder set that says "P E A C E" and yet....there is not peace in my heart.

I will admit....(if you've not figured it out already) that sure....I struggle daily, weekly, hourly....and there are days that I can't even say it has anything to do with our disruption and/or how we got there and there are days that it has everything to do with our disruption and how we got there. The mere fact that the ONE thing left in our home....that represented "OUR FAMILY of 5" will be replaced come next Christmas. And that really stings. A LOT.

There I said it. There will no longer be an empty Red Stocking hung. There will no longer be that 5th spot. Because as it has been for a few years now....we are a family of 4 not 5.

So you might ask or wonder why close this blog or stop blogging and open another? Because well....just because I can I guess. I really don't have the answers right now. Well, I do. Being able to articulate them into a blog post at this point is something that I can't do.

Did this make any sense? Probably not. But that's okay. And really...I'm okay, too. Just trying to dig deep into the heart of a few tough things right now. The purpose behind this blog is only 1 portion of it right now.

I Wish...

2010-12-27T17:40:00.001-08:00

....I had the ability to change the path that led us to where we are today. The path that any parent who finds themselves looking down the barrel of disruption. It is a pretty damn sucky path.

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I know that I haven't really blogged about anything that has had much of anything to do other than my own woe is me for sometime on this blog. Often I consider closing this blog. Actually, there isn't many weeks that go by that I don't think about it for at least a bit.

I am not sure about the future of this blog. Or even my other blog. I'm contemplating taking a completely different route in my blogging. One that is a bit more personal. That may/may not be private.

I know that I've said this before. I don't know at this point. So for now....this may/may not be the last post for quite sometime.

I just love...

2010-12-09T19:06:00.000-08:00

phone calls that go something like this.... NOT!!!

ME: Hello
Caller: is this James?
ME: Uh, NO...it's Gala
Caller: damn it. (click)

The number wasn't blocked. So I attempted to 'look it up' on the reverse look up online. Only to find out it is a 'unpublished number'.

What I know is....the caller called back.

Same thing happened. I answered. Said the same thing. Caller hung up again.

Call me again and hang up Cor and I might go a lil' postal on your a_! Because this momma is tired, worked 1.5 hrs of OT because people can't drive in 2 inches of snow and so I had to drive LONGER and listen to people beotch bc I was late, or didn't show up, or whoever frign cares.... So call again....just try it. Because NOW that I've heard your voice a few times...I know it is you. Haven't heard it in a few years.....and I'm in no mental space to deal w/shit! just sayin..

Today is...

2010-12-07T10:07:00.000-08:00

...just as Diana stated to me in an reply and email - a new day.

Life isn't magically better. Is it ever? And I don't have any better of an outlook than I did yesterday. But, it is a new day. With below zero (almost) temps.

And somehow, just like I do every year and every time this lil whoa is me pity party of missing Cor comes along...I manage to get thru it. Not always very gracefully. Not always with love in my heart and actions. But I do. There is 1 specific person that I tend to call during the bad days like I had yesterday. I didn't call this person. Came close. Didn't. Not that I didn't need to. Just, I didin't have it in me. I came close this morning. Why? Why waste this person time or mine? Because ultimately.....it is the same crap that I've muddled thru for ever.

So at this very moment, right before I go lay down for an hour or so w/ice on my shoulder EVEN THOUGH IT IS like NEGATIVE temps outside.....it is just another day. And regardless of what I want or need or think.....the circumstances that led me to create this blog will never ever change.

So...it is just another day!

Some days...

2010-12-06T13:53:00.001-08:00

no matter how hard you try.....
no matter how prepared you are.....
no matter how long down the road POST disruption you are.....

There is just no preparing yourself for some of the unbelievable shitty thoughts, feelings, emotions, ect ect....that comes with truly missing your child. Or in my case...my son.

I can't even begin to share what the last few days has been like. Today, has been the tip of what I hope and pray is the iceberg. Because damn it all...I really can't afford for it not to be. Seriously.

I see where this all started a week or so before our Thanksgiving vacation to Utah and Las Vegas.

"Oh' look at this Charlie Brown Tree...how cute is that?"
"Oh' don't you think we should do something like that this year?"
"Well, we do have 2 kittens and a psycho 9 mo old LITTLE DOG puppy"

My dh liked the idea because....well he doesn't like putting the tree up. Hell, he never does it so I dont' know what the hell is his problem. Then it was the animals. Because if 2 kids weren't enough and if you can't adopt any more...you might as just create yourself a dang zoo....2 kittens, 2 dogs...anything else we need?

Then I had my friend tell me about "Upside Down Trees". They are awesome. They are expensive.

I can't just put the tree up on my own you see....because the friggn thing isn't even AT my house. It is in our storage shed. That is a HOLE other issue and post for my main blog. But the moral of that story is...I have no damn clue WHERE the storage unit is. Well, I do....but I don't. Like I couldn't find it because w/100 different units looking the same to me. Nope...not happening.

Anyway, we have ended up with a Charlie Brown Tree. The Red Bulb that came w/it. And 2 xtra ornaments.

My heart is really hurting. We've never not had a tree. I don't have the energy to fight it. My dh is not interested in putting it up, getting it for me, or any of that other crap. And putting up the tree is yet another reminder that we are no longer a family of 5...but a family of 4.

Last year we had Nia. And even though she came with her own bag of trials.....I loved that girl deeply...just as I love(d) Corry deeply.

Today is one of the SOME DAYS...you can't prepare for. Because no matter how prepared you think you are....you will never be! OR At least I'm not.

Struggling Mommas/Keepin' it Real

2010-09-28T18:53:00.000-07:00

First and Foremost....

My heart literally breaks in half each and every time I read my fellow online/blogging friends struggles. Struggles with the system.. Struggles with their own family/friends/peers. Struggles with their children.

There are moments when I just can't read the posts as it is to close to home. It hurts to much. It brings back some painful memories that I'm not able to think about at that moment/day.

I wish I could tell those of you struggling...I had magical answers. There are NO magical answers.

Recently...as in yesterday....I read a blog post from a mother who wrote some pretty tough stuff about how she feels...about herself!!

This my love (I'm pretty certain you read my posts) is what R.A.D. will do to you. Take a 110% wonderful, loving, awesome momma and convince her that she sucks. That she is worthless. That she is meaningless.

Bullcrap!!

You are everything that you think you're not. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. It is tough. Damn do I ever believe you. Hell, it has been a few years since we've had Cor home and I STILL have moments/days/weeks where I am convinced I am STILL those things. Those things that were blogged about. Those things that MANY of us RADdy moms think/believe.

I'm not just speaking to 1 or 2 of you out there. I'm speaking to each and every mommy w/a child w/ANY sort of special needs...mild, moderate or severe.... whatever you are mommy out there.......

I'm speaking to myself. Because even still...as I said...I still struggle.

Will you do me a favor? Will you check out my previous posts about the ORLANDO get-a-way? And promise me that YOU will TAKE care of YOU and join us?

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Since I'm lazy...I'm combing a few posts all in one...

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Truth be told/Keepin' it Real...

It has been no secret (even though I don't really discuss it) that depression and I have been companions over the last several years. Over the last few months I've been doing better and better. I've made some pretty signficant gains over the last few months. I'm not saying everything has been all peaches and roses. Heck no. There are moments vs days of struggling.

There have been many moments of pure clarity. My sleep has been less interupted.

I've struggled with significant pain in my left side (which by all reports from my dr. and chiro is left over from 3 months of coughing after having pneumonia) and more recently pretty signifcant shoulder pain in both shoulders. Some days tolerable. Some days not so much (today has been one of those).

Each day I choose to Get Up Again....and Again.

On the days that I don't want to get up...again...and again....
It isn't because I'm wallowing in a depression....
but more because I physically don't feel well.

This is new territory for me. The good days haven't FAR outweighed the bad in a pretty long time. I let the grief over our disruption, loss of dreams for our family, loss of 'me as a mother and who I thought I would be...' take over.

It's been tough. And the longer I've felt better, not been on edge as to 'when' I would let the depression take over again...or IT would just creep in....the better I've felt.

I stopped telling 'our story' in regards to Cor. Sure I've blogged most of it. However, there are gaps. There are things I've not 'finished'. It has been several months since I've actually wrote about it....and part of it is because I just can't do it. I can't go there. I want to go there. I need to go there for 'me' in a theraputic aspect of life.....but I just phyically can't.

So for now....it is what it is....and there may/may not be any tidbits on here about our disruption and story.

All this to say....
I've found myself over and over the last 2-3 days struggling. And to be quite honest...it scares the shit out of me. Plain.cut.simple.dry. I know where I've been. I know that it is very unlikely to go back to that place. I called in sick to work on Sunday. For the first time in a quite a while...was purely because I couldn't get myself out of bed. My head hurt. My head hurt bc I didn't sleep for crap. I didn't sleep for crap because...as mentioned above...I've had many of the same thoughts and crap about myself as a 'mom, person, employee'...that were pure crap. I thought that I could fight it. That I could get rid of the headache, the grim outlook, the shit thoughts.....instead. Monday...by 5:45 when I got off work my head hurt so bad (from the negative thoughts about to burst my dang head) it was all I could do not to cry. Today....much of the same story. Just a different day. My day off. It's here. How flippen long I have no dang idea. Regardless, it just ticks me off. End of story.

Painful Reminders

2010-09-09T09:46:00.000-07:00

This morning, as I do many mornings, I was reading my google reader on my phone. I was at my first stop about 10 minutes early. Usually, I'm pretty picky and choosey who/what I read while I'm working. Mainly because I am reading on my phone and it is sometimes hard to read via blackberry if there are lots of pics and so forth. Or more commonly - if the post requires that I actually 'click' out of google reader and go to that persons blog to read their post. I don't' usually have time for the blog to load and os forth. So I read a few here and there.

Last Spring when I came across Diana's blog - I knew I found a gem. As I have with most all of the blogs I read. This one was different though. I can't really say why...well I can. But I then it would just be wasting my (and your) time because anyone who gets RAD gets..

Anyway, this morning Diana posted about the Painful Reminders of her daily life. About going to the grocery store last night, taking showers, eating dinner....about D.A.I.L.Y L.I.F.E with a child with RAD. It was a painful reminder for me....of what my daily routine was like when Cor was home. My heart hurts for Diana. For her E.A.C.H of her children. Because EVERY SINGLE CHILD in her home, herself and her DH have that daily painful reminder. It sux. It really does. I wish I was able to scoop her up and love on her and tell all the things she already knows...BUT because of society....she (all RAD moms) forget. That she is an A.W.E.S.O.M.E. MOMMY.

Those painful reminders are hard to swallow most days. My heart hurts for every one of you out there. I've BTDT. I may not be currently doing it....but I know. Oh' how I know. And it truly stinks!!!

((((HUGS))))) to each and every one of you as you go thru the day in and day out of those painful reminders!!!

2010-08-30T18:56:00.000-07:00

Gotcha Day = 12 years ago today.

The same week several years later = was the official I'm no longer your mommy day.

To much to to wrap my fat head around somedays.
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While I was working this morning and looked at my GPS and saw the date...my heart sunk....deep. Very deep.

That's all I will say about this day today. Maybe in a day or two or week.

Just not today.

2010-08-23T18:56:00.000-07:00

This EVENT is gonna be huge..my bloggy friends...some IRL and some online....

I want you to know that you A: don't have to be an adoptive momma to go.
I want you to know that you B: don't have to be a RAD momma to go.
I want you to know that you C: can just know me to go (isn't that the coolest).
I want you to know that you D: must go and let me know because I am 99.99% sure that I am going to go.

I want you to know the ONLY prerequ to going is this...YOU TOTALLY GET what it is like to be a RAD momma/parent or a parent who has disrupted. There will be mixture of both there!!

(Last week one night...I had the opportunity to meet a few of the gals that will be there. One who has/is in the throws of disrupting. We get each other. What a great feeling to know that I would not be judged in those 3-4 hours that I sat at a table eating dinner. That even though our journeys are different....the pain and sorrow and frustrations are all the same....if your kiddos are at home or even if they are not...)

I want you to know that I am pretty close to putting the deposit down. I just have to convince myself that I will suffer the consequenses if I "DON'T" get the approval from my employer to go. Which I can't do for a few more months (at least).....

SO.....are you going to join me?

I don't care who I room with. (Well, that is not entirely true..I do care. I do have some ideas.)

If funds are tight and you need to share a bed...well...I have a big butt but would share and think nothing of it. Because I've done it before w/my Tupperware gals back when I went to the conventions and was a manager and made decent money. BTW: I know longer sell tupperware).

If you are afraid you wont fit in, you might snore to loud, you have a newborn baby (you know who you are!!!).....let me just say this...

1: If you snore..I will take a banana peel and my camera and have fun.
2: You will fit in..trust me!!
3: You have a newborn baby..it might be your chance (and only chance) to get sleep ALL night long because...well there will be LOTS OF MOMMA's intersted in taking your baby for you so you can REST!! (again...you know who you are, its been discussed and well....you know what I mean) AND if there is anyone else out there that will have a newborn...same atcha!

So.....who wants to go? Is going?

Do you live NEAR WI? there is a slight chance that I could/might/will consider driving. It is about a 20 hr drive and we could do it straight thru w/2+ drivers. I have a Camry Hybrid that gets about 30 mpg (VERY small trunk bc of the battery...but we will be getting a cartop carrier sooon..>TRUST ME) and we have a Highlander Hybrid that seats comfortable with luggage 5...and 7 if we use a car top carrier.

Anyway....check this link above out or THIS link and please let me know what you think!!

Conversation with Bry and Ab

2010-07-31T17:26:00.000-07:00

This afternoon Ab babysat Bry for about an hour or so while we did some bd shopping for the 2 kids (their bd's are 1 day apart). It was dinner time. I was tired. James was tired. And we fell victim to eating out, again. In June the kids bought James and I a gift certificate (on their own) from R.oman C.andle. It is a little hip pizza joint across the street a block away. We called the kids and said "Do xyz and then meet us in 10 minutes at R.C". They were VERY EXCITED to have that responsibility. I was standing across the big street waiting for them to cross as they got to the end of our driveway.

We ate our wonderful pizza. While we were there 2 police officers walked in. Mind you - this is a rather 'mom/pop - neighoborhood ' type of place. I guess it took us off guard.

Bry was being a goon and some what obnoxious (what 8 yr old boy isn't, sometimes?). I made some comment that 'you better be good b/c that lady officer is sitting on the other side of this booth'.

And then it went something like this....

Bry: SOOO not like their gonna take me away.
Me: You don't always know that. You better be good.
Bry: NOOOO they won't. They can't arrest a 7 yr old kid.
Me: Um, yes honey they can and I'm glad you didn't really know that. But if you make poor choices...yes they could.
Bry: (laughing hysterically).....you are lying.
Me: Look at Ab...Ab....can they?
Ab: (laughing) I told you Bry...YES YOU CAN!!
Bry: how would you know Ab...because you've done soemthing naughty. I KNEW IT. That's how you knjow.
Me: Ab how do you know?
Ab: TV
Me: HUH?
Ab: Yeah...TV....I've seen it before on TV.
JAMES: Umm, you don't remember.
Me: Look at James "Well, that's good...she doesn't remember".

we kind of...sort of....went around back/forth to "do you really NOT remember or do you?"

She didn't.
She had no clue.
She.doesn't.remember...or....does.she? I think she does. But she doesn't.

She doesn't in the way that it 'affects her'

You might wonder what?

For several week (usually on the same day of the week) we would have to call the local small town police department because of Cor's behaviors. When he came back home to live w/us after being w/my inlaws I made it very clear that we would get help. They onlhy way I could find a way to do that was to have documentation. We were lucky to have an officer that was AWESOME and every time but ONCE he was the officer that responded to our calls.

She didn't remember the police officer taking her brother. Thank Heaven!! It was a rather traumatic event. I believe I have wrote about the school shop w/cop program that Ab was nomitated for from our awesome principal (who decided to open a running store instead). It was a turning point for her.

I'm not saying I still don't have guilt over this entire crappy situation. BUT...BUT...BUT....when I see these 2 children of mine and how well they are doing - today vs 3,4, 5+ years ago. It makes my heart swell with gratititude!!

Choosing Life

2010-07-29T17:36:00.000-07:00

Last night I posted about reading THIS post and blog and how I had a blog post in my head as I was reading/commenting. Then when it came to compose it - it was gone. Which is still partially true. I've not really thought much today about it. I guess the reason it hit me the way it did last night was partially part of the reason we choose to move forward w/our disruption/T.PR.

I believe I've blogged about the significant emotional effect that Cor and his issues had on our daughter Ab. As a refresher (for those new to my blog) Ab was born a year after we adopted Cor. They were 5 years apart. Had a very healthy bond until she was about 14 months old. At which time Cor realized (after a week long i.ntensive therapy session with Deborah Hage and our therapist) that he could no longer hurt me. His actions/behaviors/ect ect - would no longer hurt me. We had several weeks of great behavior and progress. Then one day it all changed. It was a change that was just as heartbreaking to me as it was him. He figured out he could hurt me. By hurting his sister. I've blogged about that early on in this blog - feel free to comment or ask questions for specific issues: as this post is not about "that" stuff so to speak.

So as I was sitting at gymna.stics last night reading blogs, watching my almost 11 year old daughter during her "trials" for T.nT...and I read THIS post...the words of our therapist we had for Cor rang in my head - over and over and over!! Something that she said to me recently. Very recently. As in the last 6 months. We consulted w/her from time to time while Ms. N was living with us. More for family dynamics than anything else. There was one particular time that just myself went and James stayed home. I believe N might have been sick or something. IDK.

I don't know that I completely agree that we Choose Life for our son. We choose to disrupt. We choose NOT to fight the State we are from and allow them to follow thru w/terminating our parental rights. We choose to not allow him to come back in our home and because of that our parental rights were terminated.

We or more like I had no more fight left in us.
We had done every.single.thing we were asked.
We had read, participated, tried, loved, you name it....

And nothing we could do could help our son. Choosing to terminate our parental rights in our situation (and I REITERATE OUR SITUATION...bc we didn't have another family) doesn't feel like we CHOOSE LIFE.

Or does did we?

As I think about those words so lovely wrote on this lovely blog....AND....the words from Mrs. M our therapist play into our head....AND...the images of my young daughter THEN and NOW whisk into my memory.....

I can say.

We CHOOSE LIFE....

We CHOOSE LIFE....

For Abigayle...we choose to allow her to no longer live in extreme stress and anxiety. We choose to allow this young little girl to no longer worry about when/what/where her big brother would explode. I've blogged about her response when we told her 5 years ago "your brother will never live in our home again...how it came blubbering and blurting out in a fit of frustration on my part and how my baby girl who wasn't even 6 years old said to me..Momma, I know why its okay. You dont' have to tell me. I know. Why is it Abigayle? Because momma...when he is visiting and living at home...Bry and I are not safe.." Out of the mouthes of babes. She knew. (Again, I've blogged about that...)

As I watched her 4 years later....on that gymnastics floor last night. My heart knew. We choose life for her.

We CHOOSE LIFE....

For Bryant...we choose to allow our toddler to be safe. To have no worry that he would be hurt again. Hurt was all he knew. Because from his newborn life till present that is what happened. From a chair being thrown and landing on him at 5 months of age to many other things that are not blog-able....we choose safety.

We CHOOSE LIFE...

For Cor. Not the best life. Not a life that I wish on my worst enemy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of guilt over where the path has taken him. And, Marilyn's words replay in my head over and over "Gala, you do know...if you didn't choose to terminate...he would NOT be getting the extensive level of care that he is getting TODAY or ever. With out doing that he would have NEVER continued to get the help he needed." I shook my head yes, I knew that day. In reality, I never thought about it that way.

We ChOOSE LIFE...

for our marriage.
for our children - each and every one of them.

It isn't an easy task. Not one that I would wish upon my worst enemy.

As I see what a complete turn around my daughter has made. I know in my heart that CHOOSING LIFE/DISRUPTION was the best thing for OUR FAMILY! And as much as I wish that Cor could be a part of our family. Tonight as I look at how healthy and emotionally stable Bry and Abi are doing now compared to before.....I have no regrets.

Another Mom's Perspective

2010-07-28T17:59:00.000-07:00

While I was reading and then commenting on this post I had some ideas/thoughts that I wanted to post on. More for myself than anything else. Then, as I clicked "submit" for the comments...those thoughts completely disappeared. No joke. As I sit here watching my duaghter at at her Tn.T Team tryouts (Tumble and Tramp) I can't help but look around and be reminded how blessed I am despite the fact that "our love wasn't enough" and even almost 4 years later it still is a tough thing to say outloud...let alone live eachh and every day.

The View

2010-07-09T09:14:00.000-07:00

Recently we took a trip to Great America (pics are on my other camera....still not downloaded because well...work has me overwhelmed).

We also went to the Willis Tower. Formerly, The Sears Tower. It will ALWAYS be the Sears Tower to me.

Something about there being 100,000's of people was a little unpleasant to me. I was a bit annoyed to be honest.

Anyway, I was able to snap a few pictures. Not many. Because well, people are annoying and inconsiderate. I am a very open, loving, non-racist person. I love just about all people. However, I came very close to my limit on this particular day.

Happy 16th Birthday

2010-06-28T07:48:00.001-07:00

Looking Up

2010-06-22T19:32:00.000-07:00

I know that my last few posts haven't been the nicest.

Last week knowing that the downward cycle was increasing I decided to try and take a vacation day that would give me a 3 day weekend.

Today was my first day off. Even though last week I was given 3 days off (actually 4) it didn't give me time to plan so forth.

Today I got a french manicure. I hate it. My fingers hurt. Well, they hurt because i've picked my nails so bad over the last week (and months/years) and now that i have these pretty white tips...well they are annoying. My typing speed of 70+ words per minute....it is now down to about oh 20 if that. It's killing me. The pinky nails were so bad that the man that did them told me he thought they would come off by tonight. Still on. I took my sweet Abi with me and she got her nails painted very pretty w/a floral design. She was sick with high temps yesterday. Fine today.

Then I had a therapy appt. Something she's told me many times (and my pdoc) is there is a different tone in the color of my eyes when I'm doing good vs bad. Anyway, she was pretty adament that the blue coloring in my eyes is/was much brighter. Unlike last week.

I am trying to plan and take care of me. Trying to remember that Corry's bd is just that. I will enjoy mine. I will not allow his birthday to make or break mine.

It is what it is....

TILL IT ISN'T.

Tomorrow we have some errands and so such to do.

Then on Thursday we are planning a trip to Noah's Ark or 6 Flags Great America.

Spending every minute that I can with my family. Making the best of every moment. Trying like h*ll to stay out of that deep dark place of grief and anger.

WOW

2010-06-19T18:54:00.000-07:00

Just when I thought the tears couldn't come.

They did.

I just got off the phone with my mom.

Someone in my family has been dx with cancer.

Damn.

Makes my trials and frustations all so much smaller in the realm of things.

Heart broken - (REALLY LONG)

2010-06-19T17:06:00.000-07:00

~not just because of my own life situations and stuff but for other families who are walking this same journey. For mothers who have lost their sons (and daughters)....from disruption, from poor choices, from whatever it may be.

I've been told several times over the last few weeks that I should just let the tears flow. Instead, the tears are there. Behind the surface. Slowly creeping out onto the surface. Slowly.

I guess maybe it is my body's way of subconsciously saying 'you've been dealing w/this for too many years, get up and get over it Gala". And so instead maybe, i don't know, maybe it is more of a numb place of grief and healing that I'm in... Sure I feel it all right just numb.

My last post I talked about a young man, similiar in age and circumstances, as Cor whose life had ended. His body was found on Monday morning.

Over the last several days there have been several reports regarding what happened to this young man.

I don't listen to the news, unless it comes on the radio. Several years ago I had a therapist tell me I needed to stop listening to the news. There was to many horrific things that would just cause me to explode inside. That those news reports would break me. For the most part, I took that advice (I'll tell you why...hold on) to heart as much as possible. Unless, the news is on the radio, rarely do I ever turn the news on to LISTEN or WATCH IT!! Nearly all of the news I hear or see is because I look it up on the local stations online. When this therapist and I had this conversation a few years ago (stay w/me...this will make sense in a moment or so), she adviced me to 'pick and choose what I wanted to read. If you read a headline that says "Youth rapes 2 different women on same day" you can choose to NOT read it. If you read a headline that says "Metro employee sues City of M over discrimination" and because you work for the City of M_ aand you want to read it...you can.

So that has been my motto for the last few years. Read/listen to what you want, forget the rest. Rarely ever do I listen and/or read information regarding horrifying acts. It hits to close to home.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
That being said, it has been very hard to not listen to the news report of a young man, simliar in age, adopted, in foster home bc of whatever, who died sometime in the last hours of Sunday night/early Monday.

It has been even harder reading/hearing the reports of what happened and why to this young man. Equally, hard and this has been where the tears have flown at abudance off and on over the last few days.....is the person who ended this young mans life. He, too...just a kid. I don't know his background. I don't want to know his background.Becuase if I know it...it might just anger me even more or make me even more sick. I look at the picture in the paper of his mother, sobbing, shortly after her sons initial court appearance. And, I picture myself, in that very same seat. Wearing the very same clothing. Thinking the very same thing that she must be thinking.

Guess what? This young man, it isn't his first time appearing before a judge. No, it isn't. You know what? Several years ago, he at the ripe age of 13 commited a very horrible crime. One that he only received 2 yrs in a juv. detention. Maybe it was a little longer. I don't know. I've not read that much into why. I can't.

That same child, that 13 year old....is one of the very reasons WHY I stopped reading the papers. At that very time, Cor was 11 or 12ish. It hit to close to home.

What did our justice system do for this child?
Did they offer him help? I really don't know.

I can't cry. I can't. I'm to damn numb. What has the justice system done for my child? Nothing. Some might read this and think "well, you've not done much for him either." thank you very much...you can save your fingers and know that I've thought the same thing.

Motive: He was mad. Mad because someone didn't pick him up at the bus stop (which btw makes me even more upset bc I drive those bus stops). He wanted this young mans cell phone. He robbed him of his shoes and cell phone. Seriously? You are so damn angry that you not only steal something as LITTLE as a damn cell phone and shoes but then you kick the life out of another human being?

Now what? Life in prison? For what? A pair of damn shoes that were 2 sizes to big and a damn phone? Beause you were mad?

I've lived it. I've seen it. I've seen the rage in my pre-teen childs face that led to pure rage. Rage that hurt not only myself but my babies. I've lived those gasps of breath that my newborn took after the kitchen chair landed on him....and seen the rage and udder dispair and broken-ness in my childs eyes.

Two broken souls. Both ended on Sunday evening. One in breathe/life and one in spirit.

This entire thing is wrong. So incredible wrong it makes me sick. Seriously, physically ill. Yeah. I can't cry. I haven't cried (today anyway). Instead, after I read the news article in the paper, I promptly got out of my bus and vomitted.

I started this post last night. I had to go back and retype most of it because there were to many 4+ letter words that needed to be edited.

This morning, Diana, wrote "I cried Today".

Different...but the same.

I know that if my current therapist would read what I'm about to write...well...I know what she would say. So J_ if you read this...save your breathe!!

There are many days/nights that I can't sleep.
That I lay awake in complete and udder fear.
Fear that that next unknown knock on my door.....
That I might run into him on the street.........
That I might open up tomorrows paper.......

and the news would be...just what I read this week. That the child that we had such high hopes for - took someone elses' life.

Fear that his anger and rage would be directed at me.....and the 1 sure bet to hurt me would be to hurt one of my children or family members.

This is the stuff that keeps me stuck...

Stuck in grief.
Stuck in anger.
Stuck in everything that is/was/will ever be....

The comments...if you only loved him more. They STICK like glue.
The comments....if you're bio child did this. They STICK like glue.
The comments....you just try to save the world. They STICK like.

This is the stuff that rips my soul. Every bit of what I've wrote on this blog....today, last week, last month, last year....every single word.

This is the stuff that truly rips my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ apart...the stuff that I said today, last week, last month, last year. EVERY BIT OF IT.

I know my Father in Heaven loves each of us.
I know my Father in Heaven is all loving Father.
I believe in the atonment of Jesus Christ. And unfortunately, because the things that I've shared today, last week, last month, last year.....this things...my testimony and faith have faltered.

I can not agree, nor will I ever...(in my opinion today) that I will ever agree that my son knew before he came to earth the trials he would be given, that he would essentially be w/o a family/parents, that he knew in the pre-existence that WE would choose to disrupt, that he would age out in treatment facilities....

I just can't wrap my head around that. It makes no sense to me. That he would send someone to this earth - knowing that their days are numbered (I do believe this) but that they are numbered as a serial killer? As a 13 yr old rapist? As a 17 yr old murder?

I just can't. I can't believe that I my Father in Heaven would say to me "Gala, you are going to go thru x years of infertility, then your church leaders that you love and trust...they are going to lie to you so that you will then become a mom....blah blah blah broken record I am I know....

I've rambled. I guess, I went from trying to write a 'well thought out and such post" to completely loosing my schlict!! BTW: tears are plentiful now!

Just pick at that scab some more...

2010-06-15T18:40:00.001-07:00

That is what I'm thinking when I read a news article tonight about a young man who was murdered yesterday. A young man who is the same age as Cor. A young man who was adopted around the same age. A young man who was removed from his adoptive mothers home a few years ago because of similiar reasons as Cor. A young man who has been in the same mental health institutions as Cor. A young man, whose heart was damaged and hurting similiar to Cor's.

This young man's life has now ended. No one really knows why. No one really knows how. (Media hasn't released it at this point). Regardless of how, when, where, why.....it is a horrible tragedy.

Actually, the scab has been picked at several times over the last few weeks, months, years. Many times just when I think that the wound is close to healing, it breaks open again.

This news article could have read my sons name. Only it didn't. Maybe because my son is still in a secure facility. That I know of anyway. I wish I could reach out and hug his mom. Tell her how I get it. How my heart hurts for her and her family.

Bitter-sweet 16

2010-06-12T20:36:00.000-07:00

In 2 weeks Cor will turn 16...

I guess I will just leave the above sentence. I've typed, deleted, typed, deleted over and over and over again......coming up with nothing. Not one thing that makes sense. Nothing that is worth blogging. That is worth sharing. Because, quite honestly, nothing about the entire situation makes sense!

no name post

2010-05-31T16:03:00.000-07:00

Updated to say: NNNNOOOO faith the systme will do him justice!!!!

This week brought some changes to my brothers situation w/his 5 year old. Without going into details...I will say that my nephew will most likely be at our home often this summer.

My brother will be learning what full time parenting is all about.

The last 24 hrs have proven to be challenging as my nephew has refused to eat the food offered to him by us. His mother feeds him nothing but crap. Now my family and I eat out often. However, our children eat what is offered w/little exceptions!

We went to moms today and after 2 hrs she 'kind of' gave in and tried to offer something different. It didn't go so well.

This is a HUGE issue and this child is VERY overweight. He NEVER was until recently...last 12 months.

Why can't people just love and care for their children? Why does mental health issues have to interfer and cause people to make such poor choices? This maddens me so incredible much. This kid is a good boy. But there is some major issues. Some minor RAD issue for sure.

IDK

I wonder how long it will take to provide stability for this child. I know how our state runs and I have faith there will be justice to my nephew and brother. Because we are dealing with a corrupt system.

Oh I have so much more thoughts on this I want to share but my fingers are cramped usung my blackberry

somebody...

2010-05-24T19:16:00.000-07:00

came home from school with...

*Spring in her step.
*Had a great weekend.
*Proved to me that Ms. M (therapist) was/is right.
*Had a good day (I think) at school.
*Was an all around pleasant person to be with.
*Made sense

As I mentioned in my last post...Ms. N has been a bit of a challenge. Our theory on why I think was proved by her staying home with us this weekend, due to obligations that her mother had. Which was fine. I'm glad she was home. I actually, think i would like her to stay home w/us for the next 2 weekends until her mom has her move back home. One weekend I cant though. I think that my 10 yr old will be having some friends over and well....1 less child in the house might be helpful. Specially the child that requires 24 supervision and cognitively is a toddler. And well, some days 10 yr olds are not very interested in having toddler, I mean 6 1/2 yr olds all up in their business.

And something that I've wanted for her to happen for a long time....

Her hair is FINALLY long enough to put in 2 big puffs. kind of. The back fell out. I gave daddy permission to wake mommy up b4 school tmwto do her hair. I took her braids out tonight. Swearing right and left that and in one hand upset that I will be done w/the braids in a few short weeks and in the other hand thankful that I odn't have to deal w/that part of life.. It is bitter, very vitter sweet.

I would give anything to take those braids out.

It is my prayer that as she goes back home to live w/her mother that life will work itself out and all will be well this.time.around! Because in the end...that was all I ever wanted for Corry.

Bitter Sweet. Very Bitter Sweet.

I sure do...

2010-05-21T17:32:00.000-07:00

love the attachment therapist that we saw w/Corry.

It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.

One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.

We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.

From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.

I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.

Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.

Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.

I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....

If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.

And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....

The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....

If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.

Be Still My Soul

2010-05-21T17:25:00.000-07:00

A few days ago Diana posted the following lyrics in a comment to this post.

It is a song that I often hum the words to while working. Actually this song and several other hymns...especially "I Stand All Amazed" and a few Primary songs.

Regardless...in case YOU need to hear this as I did...here it is.

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

because....

2010-05-18T12:17:00.001-07:00

I'm lazy....

and didn't really realize which blog I was posting to....
because I was doing airline searches at the same exact time....

I meant to post THIS here. So instead of reading it all right here....

Feel free to HOP on OVER to MY other BLOG and read my latest post titled...

STILL SEARCHING

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

And.....

I'll add this here. I found "another" REALLY cheap flight. If I could leave on Thursday morning.
I can't. I can't be in Milwaukee and on an airplane on Thursday at Noon. I just can't. There is no way possible that I can miss my "quarterly" pick. Doing that would mean I would seal my fate of the next 3 months of my work schedule and probably land myself in the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. And as appealing as the break might be some days....I've btdt and I don't care to go back...

Truth is...

2010-04-29T08:36:00.000-07:00

I had a long post wrote out and I lost it and now I'm pissed.

So here is what it is in reference to.

More later.

Read this great post skim down the comments and you might find mine. And in a day or so after I've thought some more about doing this. I will let you know how it is going (or not going).

Weakness

2010-04-27T19:45:00.001-07:00

I just had a fight with a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
It's okay.
I won and ate the enemy.

(FYI: I'm not joking...seriously...ate the hole darn box)

humph!

2010-04-27T19:00:00.000-07:00

I have titled this post several different things.

I've started it.
Deleted it.
Re-started it.
Deleted it.
Re-titled it.

Nothing seems to come to mind.
Nothing seems to stick to my thoughts.
Nothing seems to really make sense.

So many thoughts swirling around.

I was challenged (well kind of) to think about/research what others do surrounding rituals surrounding grief.

This is my problem with doing this.

The type of grief and loss that has plagued my heart is not normal.
It isn't something that can easily be googled.
It isnt' something that comes up when doing a google search.

When a prospective mother/father suffers a miscarriage, there are support groups.
When a prospective mother/father suffers the death of an infant/child, there are support groups.

The grief surrounding a disruption is soo incredible different than any other type of loss.

Professionals don't really get it. Sure they might try. But unless they have actually lived it themselves they just don't get it.

In my house/family the way of life to deal with it has been to be silent. If you were to walk in my home you would never know that we had at one point in time, 3 beautiful children. There are no reminders that we were parents of 3 children.

My husband has talked more in the last 2 weeks about the impending loss of one of our children in our home more than he ever talked to me about the loss of our child that we adopted. Sure it could be that it is just a different situation all around and is easier to discuss.

All that continues to come to my mind lately....

~~It is what it is...Until it isn't~~

And I guess, until it isn't....I will just keep on keeping on. Somehow, somewhere, find some sort of peace and closure with something that has never had any closure.

Healing from a Heartbreak caused by R.A.D.

2010-04-25T15:16:00.000-07:00

Recently, like today, I felt a very strong need to bring up Nancy Thomas' website. It isn't something that I look at often anymore. Because, well you all know, we don't live 100% in the depths of R.A.D. and the affects that it takes on the caregivers. (I actually, mean the MOM's).

While I actually had a topic in mind that I didn't find; I came across this article.

Sometimes our Father in Heaven gives us that gentle nudge that we need. I received it this afternoon/evening as I made dinner. "look up Nancy's website" And so I did.

I needed to read this article today.

You might need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who do need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who I wish I was sitting in the house next to yours..where I could get up off my fat butt and come give you a hug. Just because...I could. Oh' how I wish I could give S and S and each of their children (if they wanted me to) a hug today. How I wish that I could cry those ugly tears that I know you've cried 0r maybe you don't have any left in you. Oh' how I know I've been there. It sucks. Really I know it does.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
This week marked an anniversary for me. I say me because my dh doesn't acknowledge and/or remember them. It is no small wonder that I had a complete and udder meltdown in the drs office. It was a brand new dr. One I've never met. One I really needed to be on my side, to refill a rx that I'm out of. Instead, I fell apart. Like REALLY fell apart. I mean...REALLY (did you get that...REALLY). So much so that I told him (in a few words or less) that not only was he wasting his time but he was wasting my time. Then I did something I never thought I would have the balls to do. I got my fat butt up off the chair and walked out.

Today as I looked at the calender and realized what the date was today. What the date was this week. What it signifies. It is no small wonder that I actually made it to work 4 out of 5 days scheduled. Really. It truly is no small wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I might more later on some of my thoughts, feelings, frustrations.....

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Until then...my dear bloggy friends who are struggling. PLEASE know that you are each in my prayers!!

Our WISH Week

2010-03-21T16:52:00.001-07:00

is here....

We were picked up in a limo this afternooon from Nia's other mom's house. We were then brought to an awesome 2 BEDROOM suite hotel an hour and half away from our home right next to the airport.....where we will spend the night

The kids thought they were in heaven. It was almost to much excitement for them to handle.

Nia's sister Mykiah said "do you think Miley is in there?" How sweet and darling all in one!!

After telling Nia there was a NO TALKING RULE she stopped the NON stop chatter that makes me want to duct tape her mouth shut. I even had to tell Bry...enough already. Which on a good day doesn't take much.

The kids quickly made short order to get their swimming suits on. They went down to the beautiful pool and swam for quite awhile.

Thenn I ordered pizza from T.oppers. It was awesome. Very good pizza. My kids learned that even though sometimes pizza doesn't look very good...it is. AKA: Cheesesteak Pizza is great.

TOMORROW we will wake up and be at the airport by 8am so we will have plenty of time to get......

3 adults....

4 children (9 and under)

1 wheelchair

1 five point harness car seat

4 check in bags

8 carry on bags....3 of those carry-ons are our actual clothes. (We only get 1 carry on a piece but I get a purse so...my backpack that I've used as a purse for the last few years....will be just that!!)

and....

one really bad cough from one of the mommy's who thought she was better. However, after being well for 3 days the pneumonia is rearing its ugly head again. I'm needing some prayers....if only I had thought about bringing the nebulizer AND had room for it....I would have. But, we don't. The inhalers make this mommy puke and so it is really hard to take them...

MAKE - A - WISH.....WE ARE SOOOOO ETERNALLY THANKFULL FOR THIS WONDERFUL BLESSING THAT OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH. There is a hurt in my heart that hurts for Princess Nia for all her struggles. But, her struggles are so much better and I'm even more thankfull that she is doing really well right now so she can enjoy this wonderful blessing. We could not have asked for more. The expense check - well, in my heart of heart I'm hoping and praying there will be left-overs at the end of the week bc we will definately be giving it right back to the Make-A-Wish foundation....

Until next time.......

What a Blessing

2010-02-14T06:39:00.000-08:00

..this little guy is.

What a Miracle...

this little guy is.

Please check out this video - Bronson's Miracle.

Our Father in Heaven had wonderful plans for Bronson. His plan did not include Bronson leaving his Earthly Parents. Instead, his plan included strengthening the testimonies of those who heard of his story.

I know as a parent, I can't even begin to fathom the pain that this family endured.
I know as a parent, I have rejoiced in their miracle and this morning cried tears of sweet joy as I watched this video and shared his story w/my husband.

Check out their blog: Stalkerz Expozed

~I Can Only Imagine~

2010-02-07T18:02:00.001-08:00

I know I was blessed by watching this.

Hope you will be, too!!

I Can Only Imagine!! (click on this link)

more on "the story" to come

2009-12-27T16:48:00.000-08:00

It has been several months since I wrote about ...the journey...our story...and how we came to disrupt.

Sometimes, in this journey you have to take a break. That is exactly what I've done.

I'll be leaving off w/ the "after" Dr. A's appt. I believe that post was in June or July....

Connections

2009-12-04T15:01:00.001-08:00

In sharing openly about our disruption over the last 3 years and the reality of the sorrow, grief and heartache in our lives our family has made connections in real life and online that I would have never believed possible had I not shared our story. As I've shared our story, I've done so reluctantly. Yet, have known beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is our story and in my doing so I have provided myself some healing along the way and hopefully help someone else along the way. The connections are something that are almost always invisible to the naked eye. It is a very powerful and yet felt so strongly with in my heart.

I've been blogging about our story for about 18 months on When Love was Not Enough. Prior to that it was here and there and our journey to adopt again on "The Story of our Life".

Over the last several months there has been a change in my blogging. Fewer posts. Fewer thoughts. Partially because, the pain and grief are still there. Some days on that very same level. And yet, I've said the same thing over and over the last year or so. As I've stepped away it hasn't been for lack of 'something to say'. More-so the lack of something positive to say. We are walking down a new journey w/a new little one in our home. As I attempt to form a bond and find our new normal with a child who has special needs, work full-time in a very stressful - physically and emotionally demanding job, I've found myself at a lack of positive things to say.

Yet while sharing our story I am so amazed at how many people have this sort of connection. People/Mothers who have emailed me and/or posted with a simple "you get it...I get it..." I treasure those connections and at the very same time my heart aches so incredible deep for each child, each indidvidual, each family....most of all for each MOTHER.

I've recently read on another blog someone describe death/heartache as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain. Yet, those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (even though, the may not it most of the time). Some are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't truly empathize in the same way because they don't know the depths of the heart ache and how it feels. I have found this within my own family.

My heart hurts when I hear of others walking down the same path. I often wonder if I would be as understanding, if the ache I have would be on the same level that it currently is, if I had never experienced what I have. I mean really...I have read (not recently) blogs of adoptive parents who are so incredible against disruption <rightfully so>, but if I had never walked this path myself.....would I be as compassionate as I am? Would my husband and I been as willing to accept this child we have in our home w/o judgement of her adoptive mother?

Over the last few years I've learned that deep down in my heart of hearts...the sympathies and hugs that I had before going through our disruption were so much more empty. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was, as I knew it...going through infertility, hoping and dreaming of the family I would one day have.

Now when I offer words of support, comfort or extend a hug....it brings a whole new meaning to my words and the depth of my hugs are more heartfelt. I'm often at a loss of how to explain what I am truly feeling. Putting it into words is often a task all of its own, thus the somewhat reason for the lack of blogging on my part.

I am not alone when it comes this kind of heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that they brought into their home for whatever reason...to start a family, complete their family, because they fell in love with their picture on a website or visit to an orphanage, whatever the reason...there are families everywhere. Not always do you know it.

There is an invisible connection that keeps myself and other mothers/families tied together. It breaks my heart to think about not only those families but more importantly - the children affected. For whatever reason it may be. I am reminded often that my experience connects me with others and may even encourage others. I find myself often praying silently for those who have gone this painful route in their adoption journey.

I don't believe that I will ever fully understand the purpose of this sort of pain and heartche this side of Heaven. Somehow, I'm sure there can be good that will come from this as "I" trust in my Father in Heaven and allow him to work on me through others and vise-versa. I know that my heart has been softened as I've recently read a fellow bloggers journey. As her faith has remained strong. My faith has faltered greatly. I am open and honest that part of the falter in my faith is directly related to the individuals with in my church family who were apart of that hurt along the way. Yet, deep down in my heart of hearts..I know that my Father in Heaven is not at fault. He knew before our son even joined our family what the outcome would be. For that, I have to say, I am not greatful.

Not sure that I made any sense or that I even followed any common theme so to speak as I wrote this post. I don't even know that I accurately conveyed my true and deep thoughts. I know that this draft has been in the works as I've tried to convey my thoughts. I'm tired of looking at it in my drafts. So, conveyed correctly or not...here it is.

Gathering My Thoughts

2009-12-03T18:17:00.000-08:00

I've been composing a post over the last few weeks. It is saved in my 'inbox' drafts. I'll continue to keep it there. I came close to finishing it today.

My heart is heavy.

My thoughts are heavy.
My grief is heavy.

My love for my new "foster" daughter is heavy.
My love for my bio chidlren is SOOO heavy.
My frustration in general is heavy.

I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks.

I've had a hard time gathering my thoughts.

In the meantime, I hope and pray that each of you are having a great holiday season!!

Sending my love

So much to say...

2009-11-03T13:21:00.000-08:00

so little energy to do it!!

That is about where I'm at these days.

Cor's never really far from my thoughts and prayers.

Yet, I've had to push those thoughts under the surface more than I care to admit. Otherwise, more and more, as we get closer to the Holidays...I will be more of a mess than I already am.

So much to say.....just not today.

I replied

2009-10-07T20:21:00.001-07:00

to the Blogfrog thread.

I did not link my blog.
I don't have the energy right now to fend stupid comments right now.

Note to Cindy

2009-10-07T13:50:00.000-07:00

Cindy,
Thanks for your comment (please see previous post and the comment section).

I will post on Blogfrog to the hollier-than-now-pain-in-my-ass parents who have never been there, done that, still have the tear stains to prove it.

Just can't do it today.

Seriously, can't do it today. Maybe later tonight. Right now, though...I can't.

My heart hurts to friggin much. My tear stains are to deep.

There's a reason for it. One that I don't feel 100% comfortable placing on my blog right now. Maybe later when I can gather my thoughts and put them in a sensible manner.

Regardless, Corry, his momma, Ms. N and her momma...could use some prayers.

Humbling? Hell NO

2009-10-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

This morning on the Today Show there was a segment re: a family who disrupted after 18 months of having their baby w/them.

I will not judge this family. I will in no way say "yes they did the right thing or no they did not". I have not walked in their shoes 100% and I can not say what was right for their situation.

What I can say is that THIS article by Natalie Morales was rather upsetting to me. S'rsly...there is nothing humbling about this experience. As a mother of 2 biological children, 1 adopted, and currently 1 foster child....there is not an ounce of what going threw a disruption is like that can be compared to comparing your "everyday parenting mother" to a "mother who disrupts".

There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for my son.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't fight back tears.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at our 5 yr old and think how heartbroken her mommy is.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my family and think "Damn things shouldn't have turned out this way."
There is not a day that goes by....

It wasn't humbling.
It was heartbreaking.

Just some thoughts 4 tonight

2009-08-28T19:50:00.000-07:00

11 years ago this weekend...we received that 'phone call' that changed our lives forever.

11 years ago this weekend...we received that 'phone call' that made us parents to the cutest lil blonde hair'd 4 yr old ever...(of course I'm biased)

3 yrs ago last weekend...our parental rights were terminated to that little (well...not so little) blonde hair'd boy that changed my life forever....

Bitter Sweet.

Truly.

Bitter Sweet.

3 Years...

2009-08-21T21:00:00.000-07:00

Several months ago Christine posted http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2009/01/when-adoption-must-disrupt.html on her blog.

She spoke volumes to me that day. She may/may not have know it. But she did. At a particularly tough time...it was the hug my heart needed. There have been many days since that day in January...I have went back and re-read that post.

Tonight, 3 yrs to the day after our disruption was finalized....

I went back and re-read the post!

Because today...my heart needed to read it. To know that someone else gets it.

So often in my life, as it is today...many people don't know about our disruption. Earlier this week I had contact w/some women who didn't know we had another child. As I started to mention Cor...it became painfully obvious that it wasn't something that A: could be understood and B: could be discussed...becaus of A. Both of these 'incidents' occured with people who know we have 3 children at home.

I'm often asked how many children I have. (My new work schedule has brought me in contact w/a TON of co-workers I've never had contact with before).

Do I answer "2 biological and 1 foster"?
Do I answer "3 children w/2 @ home and 1 foster daughter?"
Do I answer "I have 2 boys and 2 girls - 1 of the girls is a foster child?"

When a comment is made about the loss of a loved one.....

Do you answer "I've btdt..."
Do you just nod and know in your heart..."that this person could NEVER understand the extent of your heartache..."

These are all things that I still struggle with. These are things that every single day go through my head...over...and...over...and..over!!

Then, like today...I am also reminded that not only 3 yrs ago today was I officially marked in the court system of the State of ___..I am no longer Cor's mom. I am also reminded that 11 years ago...in a few short days..."I became a mom to this very same child..."

Challenges

2009-08-19T08:52:00.000-07:00

This morning I saw this picture on the Livesay blog ( http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/ ) . For some reason it really struck a chord with me and seemed so fitting - for me, for specific family members, friends, ect ect....

How often have those who live near me, talk to me often, ect ect... heard me say "I knew this ____ would be hard...but I never knew how hard" or for "how long"....

My morning kind of sums up 'how long, how bad, how frequent'. I know that there is end insight. Just like the Livesay's know that maybe tmw will be a better day. As I left work this morning I truly had a defeated feeling that this is never going to get better. What in the same hell have I got myself in to? As I drove away from Metro - I saw a bus here and a bus there and the more city busses I saw the more I truly was able to remember the end is in sight...so much closer than I could have ever imagined.

This picture holds true to so many situations in so many of our lives. Things we knew would be tough. But 2, 3, 4 years later we find ourselves thinking "wow...I didn't know...."

Anyway, that is my speil for the morning. I'm off to take a nap...I hope! Before returning to work this afternoon. Sometime in the next 30 min. I fully expect 3 little children (well they aren't that little anymore) to come barging in the door, full of life, full of noise, full of everything....and then my attempt to take a nap will end. But, that is okay.

Because I knew having children would be a challenge.

A CHALLENGE that I am soooo greatful I have been given the opportunity to have!!

Love, Gala

Happy Birthday Bryant

2009-08-12T22:13:00.000-07:00

Seems like just yesterday my baby boy entered this world.

He isn't a baby anymore.

He is full of life. So very full of life. He was healthy. He did not have any chromosone defects as we were told he would have. He was ALL mine..

He is loud.

He is gentle.

He recently got his ear piereced.
His favorite color is pink.

He put on one heck of a show this evening at Texas Roadhouse.

Flowers

2009-08-12T20:34:00.001-07:00

Here are some more pics...of some flowers....

Click on this Link-Olbrich Flowers

Love, Gala

--
When I stand before God at the
end of my life I would hope that
I would have not a single bit of
talent left and could say,
"I used everything you gave me."
~Erma Bombeck

Happy Birthday Abigayle

2009-08-11T12:10:00.001-07:00

10 Years ago today my life changed forever!!!

I can not even begin to describe the joy and wonder-ment that filled my heart the very second that my surgeon/obgyn said "You have your girl..."

We didn't know that Abigayle was a girl. I did know that I did not want anything with having a boy. I had adopted a little boy the year before who hated me and didn't want me to be his mom.

As my obgyn sewed my big belly back up, he kept sayiing "you are just fine Gala. There is no need to cry. You need to stop shaking. Are you cold?"

I was shaking because the very moment so much changed. So very much at that very second. The tears were tears of pure love and excitement. The shaking was just the same.

My baby had struggle. Thus, an emergency C-Section. She was crying. She had good Apgar scores. She had a great deal of vernex (coating) still left on her. The questions of 'how premature is this baby" were swirling before she was even taken out of that operating room and fear of is she okay started to sink in. However, nothing left me prepared for what was going to happen over the next several moments/hours/years....

Nothing mattered. Not a dang thing. My baby girl was here, she was breathing. She was full of life.

I wish I had the time this afternoon before going to work to find the CD of my very favorite pictures. I have 3 pics that truly explain so much that were taken those first few moments/hour of her life. I will find the CD and maybe post them tonight when I get home from work or tmw...

What I will say is this...

One of those pics my mom had blown up into an 8x10 the by 8am the next morning. If ONLY she knew what was going threw her baby girls mind as she blew that picture up...

As I laid in recovery holding by newborn baby girl. Making eye contact the first time. I was overcome by some pretty strong feelings. Feelings of love, most definately. But feelings of pure and utter hatred. Hatred towards the people who hurt my son. S'rsly...as I looked at her and cried it wasn't tears for her but for him. How anyone could give birth to such a wonderful spirit and then hurt them the way that he had been hurt. I haven't shared that moment with many people. Today, I still think about that moment. The moment that I tried envisioning what it was like for my then 5 yr old son, when he entered this world...I mourned that loss for him.

As the weeks and months followed. We loved on our precious little girl. Her big brother loved her so very much. He still does. I know in my heart that the bond that he had w/her was the very first true attachment he ever had.

Regardless, that day forever changed who I am.

check back tmw or the next day as I will try to post pictures. It is my goal to do a photoshoot w/my kids tmw. hahaha we will see how that goes. :)

Regardless....we shall see.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY my BABY GIRL...

ABIGAYLE MINNETTE

Addition to Our Family

2009-08-01T21:20:00.000-07:00

It is late and I really don't have the energy or time to re-write this post.

Please visit "MY OTHER BLOG" (click on link) to see what I'm talking about..

Broken Heart

2009-07-27T18:46:00.000-07:00

~Someone asked me if I missed you~
~I didn't answer~
~I just closed my eyes and walked away~
~then~
~I answered~
"SO MUCH"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Three years ago this month and more specifically this week our disruption was final in the eyes of the state of Wisconsin.
Some days it seems like forever.
Other days it seems like it was just yesterday.
Some days it seems like the anger and frustration and pain will never fade away.
Other days all the anger, frustration, and pain seem so distant.

I've not quite figured this crap out and I'm sure that isn't my mission here on earth.
What I know is...
It just plain SUCKS~

A Good Credit Score is 700 or Above. See yours in just 2 easy steps!

Aftermath of Dr. A's appt

2009-07-17T19:51:00.000-07:00

Basically, Dr A's appt with me was to tell me/us her thoughts and what her report was going to be.

She was not reccommending this child return to our home. Ever. he be placed in Residential Treatment Center and told us it would be severa months/years before he would even be considered able to live in a family setting. She said over and over she did not think he shoudl return to our home because of our 2 younger children, their ages, and what they had already had happen to them.

It was now time for Dr. A and the county SW to find a RTC in our state to take Cor. He was young. It is very hard to place children this young.

We made our visists to the psychiatric facility he was in from March to May. In May he was moved from the psychiatric hospital to an RTC.

We spent a great deal of time on the phone with the intake coordinator of this RTC and the SW. I had gained respect for this man. Was greatful to have someone who seemed to be on the same page as my dh and I. He seemed over the phone to get it...

When we showed up to the intake...drop off....we were surprised to find out that this SW/Therapist at the RTC - was no longer going to be Cor's primary therapist/SW....the person whom it became....was fresh out of college, no children, not married....(she was older but still very little experience and DEFINATELY didn't have experience w/adopted children).

This women...still gives me nightmares.

The CALL

2009-07-04T13:47:00.001-07:00

~~finally came!!

I am so incredible excited and scared all at once.

I recevied the call I've been waiting for for a VERY long time yesterday while my family and I were at Six Flags Great America...

"Gala, are you still interested in going full time?"

HECK YA??? Why would I turn it down? S'rsly...why?

I have been to hell and back w/this job the last year. I truly have lived threw a hazing of sorts. I've weathered the storm, been found worthy to advance!

There is so much more I want/need to say about this. However, I've been busy.

What better way to celebrate this new job promotion (trust me it is HUGE for me) than to be at Great America w/my family. We were just about to get on the 2nd ride of the day when my dh's cell phone rang. When he handed me the phone I nearly died. I stood in line, screaming like a maniac that I am after I got off. My daughter and dh knew.... James just smiling from ear to ear. My in shock. Trying not to cry.

I know it will not be fun and games. I know that the training for full time is just as intense as it was for full time. However, in the end - life will be so much nicer. The financial stabilty that this will bring to our family is enormous. The health insurance...omgosh..the health insurance!! 100% PAID coverage after a $37.50 premium PER month!! Currently, we have state health insurance. It is governered by how much $ my family makes. If I make to much I looose it or have a $150-200 copay. State retirmenment and benies to the hill...

I'll write more later. In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my family and last week home as a laid off part time employee for the City of M.... (I am working part time somewhere else since I was laid off a few weeks ago...)

:) Happy America Day

An Excellent Credit Score is 750. See Yours in Just 2 Easy Steps!

Count No.	Statute	Description	Severity	Disposition
1	940.19(1)	Battery	Misd. A
2	940.19(1)	Battery	Misd. A
3	943.01(1)	Criminal Damage to Property	Misd. A
4	946.49(1)(a)	Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor	Misd. A
5	946.49(1)(a)	Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor	Misd. A
6	940.235(1)	Strangulation and Suffocation	Felony H
7	940.44(1)	Intimidate Victim/Dissuade Reporting	Misd. A