Lonely Road, Therapy, Ramblings...

I started this blog almost a year ago (few weeks shy) for many different reasons.

First it was to tell the story of our adoption, life w/a child dx with severe RAD and other mental health issues, and then the disruption.............

Having been encouraged by the therapist that I was seeing to write about this experience in some shape or form, I decided that blogging it would probably be the most theraputic. Along the way, if/when someone was encouraged, learned something or whatever...than great. Mission not only accomplished for myself...but truly for someone else. If it meant that one person read and said "HOLY CHIT I WILL NEVER adopt because I can't handle that..." Then...mission that is okay. In the end...not only will that mommy not be heartbroken as I have been but most IMPORTANTLY is that child will not be heartbroken.

Most importantly...if ther person on the other side of the screen realized he/she needed to learn more, educate themselves more, or just know they were not alone - great. Mission accomplished.

Over the last year life has had many ups and downs. We have learned so much, yet so little about our son. We received answers when we weren't looking for answers. We received answers we didn't really want to know.

Something that has taken a toll on my heart lately, deeper than I can can ever come close to explaining on this blog and unless you've disrupted yourself....you can't understand.

Is what a lonely stink'n road this is. There is an unspoken rule in my family....dont' talk about it. I've tried several times over the last several years. I've learned that I'm alone. Recently, when I mentioned the latest development of C being kicked out of the group home to my mom she got upset at the group home owner for contacting us. My cue that it isnt' something that I can talk to her about.

Something that has not changed and will not change in the near future if ever....

This road is a really lonely road. Sure there is online support. It isn't something is comforting right now. It is exhausting to even think about.

This afternoon I was told that "you need to grieve, you need to talk about this, you need to not stuff this....it will kill you from the inside out...."

What is there to talk about? Nothing is going to change. Reality sucks. Reality is I am mom to only 2 children instead of 3. Reality is I will never be mom to more than the 2 in my home. Reality is....it is what it is. And I hate this. Reality is....I'm alone and NO ONE gets it because no one in my life has ever lived this.

~~~this has got to be to long~~~to depressing~~~so I'll end...

2, 3, 4...what's one more??

The last few days I've really struggled with the reality that my family is complete. That my two beautiful children will be all that I will ever have.

I read fellow bloggers who have 4, 6, 10+ children and I can't help but wonder "what it would be like?"

What is one more child?

Really?

This weekend we had the little girl we do respite for. As we do nearly every weekend. Her older sister, M who is 7, came along. It was a great time. My 2 children and M had a sleepover on the living room floor. Something my children have never been able to do. They stayed up till midnight, ate cheeseballs and watched "Cheaper by the Dozen".

Recently, I had someone say to me she worries about the impact that N has on me. How having a 3rd child adds more stress and so forth. Sure, I can see the stress that comes about having the 3rd child. Specifically, when that 3rd child has significant medical issues along w/her
RAD-i-ness behaviors and there are days when I truly am pulling my hair out.

Then again....I pull my hair out w/my own children some days.

We added a 4rth child this weekend. It was great. Truly, it was. The girls (the older 2) picked up sticks for $$ in the yard. We had a nice dinner at the mall. We did some "shopping" and got headbands (check my other blog to see the collage...and you might see a handband/scarf).

When I look at our experience and how the disruption has molded myself, my family, the dynamics....it breaks my heart. It truly does. All we ever wanted was what was best for Cor and the rest of our children. I guess, in the end..what was best for Bry and Ab was to be in a family of only 2 children....

My heart doesn't always think that though....

Thank You...

Last night we were leaving the mall and I saw this t-shirt. I laughed hysterically. So much so I nearly took a picture of it. I had to go into the stupid store and actually move the scarf that was around the manequins neck to see that it actually did say...

THANK YOU FOR BEING SO RAD

Oh my goodness. How funny. I called the mom we do respite for and left her a message that I found a shirt for her.

Of course 99% of the time her kid wouldn't know what it meant anyway, nor would most of those who have RADish's...

Hope you find the humor in like I did. I don't think my husband really did. Then again...I don't really care if he liked it or not. I don't ask for his opinion on what I wear 99% of the time. I dont tel lhim what to wear and if I did he wouldn't listen to me anyway. :)

Not the News

~~I wanted to hear.

This afternoon I received a few txt messages from my dh while I was working.

The first was "I jst got of the phone with _ re Corry".

about a half hour later....

The second text "Cor was kicked out of _'s group home. He threatened his fiance".

Even though, very deep rooted in my heart, I knew that this was probably going to happy. The last time dh spoke to _ he mentioned that Cor wasn't doing so hot and was becoming more and more of a physical threat to to a disabled boy there at the home". So we knew it was likely to happen.

We had hope. At least I did. I had a great deal of hope. Hope that maybe he would have something click in his brain. Hope that just maybe he would want to work towards having more contact.

That never happened.

The likelihood that it will happen is probably very slim-to-non.

He was moved to a town (where he was when this all started) to a juvi. detention. For several years we were told "he's not old enough to go to detention. No one will take him. Blah Blah Blah."

Guess what. The fact of the matter still remains. Nothing.Has.Changed.Not.One.Single.I-Ota. Noone.Will.Take.Him.

Now he is old enough for detention.

What will happen iin 3 1/2 years? Then what? Who then?

I've struggled a great deal the last few years with this hole bull-chit. Hell the last 10 yrs of my life were centered around this STUFF. The last month and half, for the first time in several years, I've had a bit of peace in my heart. I've not had sleepless night wondering where he was or if he was okay. Somehow, knowing where he was...seemed to help. At least to degree anyway.

That all changed this afternoon.

When I received that txt from my husband - the scab was torn off again. Detention is not the answer. My home is not the answer. I don't know what the answer is.

I wish that somehow my Father in Heaven could show me the meaning to this.right.now.not.in.his.due.time. I want to know. I want to know RIGHT NOW.

The sleepless nights are back, I can just feel it.

Pray for Cor. Pray for his heart to be softened. Not like I've not done this every flubbin' day of my life for the last 10 yrs. Pray that somehow there can be some sort of peace and understanding. Not like I've not done this every flubbing' day of my life for the last 10 yrs.

~UGH - People Just Don't Getting It~

Of all people...I would guess my mom.....who saw what we lived threw, she saw the hell that our household was.....

Would get it...instead I have had her complain (trying to be nice here)....about our visit to her home yesterday...with the little gal we do respite for.

Just like with Cor was at home, until she saw the after affects w/our daughter and then our youngest, she didn't get it. Even still, today...several years later. She still points blame and it is so frustrating. Frustrating because I know she gets, I really do. Yet, because of the medical disorder that this child has, she is giving her more space to be RAD-dy, controlling, and just plain obstinate. Instead, it is our fault.

UGH. just.plain.irratating.

This rant she went on (that is the source of my rant) started when I made a comment about being hit in the face during church this morning and how it took me by surprise, which it really shouldn't have because she hits her mother all the time. Yet, has never hit me, until today. My mom's rants started and went on for at least 20 minutes.

This is not something that I needed to listen to this evening. Hell, I listened to it for 8 yrs w/Cor. I sure as hell don't need to listen to it any more.

~A Step Forward~

For many reasons, that I don't really want to go into on this blog, we stopped going to church. However, there is a portion that I will/can talk about. It definately, was related to our disruption.

To say that I, was mad at God, my Father in Heaven, and everyone else, would be a definate understatement. More so, I was/am mad at some of the leaders w/in our religion, Cor's birth grandparents (grandpa).

A few months ago, we had a set of Elders who came by one evening. For the last couple of months (since before Thanksgiving), these 2 young men have been so persistant, coming to our home at least 2 times per week.

Bless their hearts. Bless them for knowing that our family needed them to follow the Lord's lead.

This evening, our daughter, Ab who is 9 will be baptised. In our religion we believe that children should be baptised at the age of 8. We've come a long way in the last few months as a family.

These young men have brought so much into our family and home and I will be forever greatful for them.

We found out that one of them will be transferred this week. Interestingly, enough..this is the young man who felt extremely inspired by his Father in Heaven to continue to come to our home.

Check my other blog in a day or so and I will post Ms. Ab's pretty pics.

Disruption and Death of a Child...

Recently on a group that I belong to someone wrote that "an adoption disruption almost feels like a death of your child..."

*****WARNING**DISCLAIMER***In absolutely no way, shape or form is it my intent to hurt anyones feelings. Specifically anyone who has suffered the death of a child, anyone who has suffered the death of their child and had 'any' of the things that I am going to mention happen to them. I can not even begin to imagine your pain and grief as it is, most certainly completely different than mine. I know this because I have had several people tell me, who read this blog, who have linked my blogs to their posts and then made indirect comments...the difference is huge. I know!! So please know that this is directed at myself, my own feelings, thoughts and pain, and I will not relate it to 'your' pain and suffering.

This is something that I've thought about for several years. Way before we even disrupted our adoption. I have been chastised greatly for making that comment to someone (more on that later) and so for the last 2+ yrs have not repeated it to a single soul sole.

But tonight I have decided that I will talk about it. This post, like some of my others, might get really long. If you are in a hurry, come back another day. If not, grab some tea and cookies, kick your legs up and listen to my mumble jumble rant, or whatever you might want to call it.

During one particular rough patch after our disruption I told my 'then' therapist that in some ways if my son had passed away it might be easier to deal with this pain and grief. That this would be such a different path. She was mortified that I said this. She made if very clear to me that she couldn't believe I actually said this. Even though she had experience personally with adopting, I do believe had her fair share of problems, ect ect...she.did.not.get.it. She did not understand the depths of what I was trying to say...

When I said to her "N_ if my son would have had cancer or a tumor and I did everything in my power as his parent to get him the help care that he needed and it still wasn't good enough....do you think that my SIL would have chastised me by saying the hurtful, horrible things that she has said to me? Do you think that the child life therapist look at the parents in the Pediatric ICU and tell them...because you stayed home this morning and breastfed your newborn and went to the Halloween Party with your 1st grader...that you are a bad parent? Do you HONESTLY think that you would tell a parent who lost their child after years of dealing with luekemia that 'you should have done one more thing..and that...would have been enough?"

She didn't say anything. She just sat quietly.

Sadly enough, nobody “gets it”. So, very few people are kind, most ignore the situation or judge and condemn.

My very own sister in law, once a friend, prior to marrying my BIL...said to me "At least now he will be going to somewhere where he is loved". Out of all of the things that someone said to me..this ranks in the top 5 for the most hurtfull...truthfully...the most hurtful.

How about the psychiatrist who called my sons AT over and over and made accusations it was 'me' who was the problem. That is right, I just adopted this child and set him up and taught him how, what, when to do all these things. I was the problem because this child who was 6 yrs old at the time tried to sufficate his 15 month old sister.

Vengence was had the day that one of the most beloved therapists in the world (Joan..I miss you...she retired) called me out of the blue one day and told me "Just thought you might take great joy in knowing that the D_ Health decided to not renew this particular pdocs contract. She has been let go". OMGosh can you say "AMEN". She wasn't our doc at the time. If she was...I would have made sure she knew how greatful I was that her employer...got.it.got.that.she.needed.to.not.work.with.children.anymore.

One parent wrote this...

I think it is so painful because it feels like a betrayal. At the lowest point of my life, when I most needed support from those close to me, instead I got slapped in the face (figuratively) and blamed for my problems. That really does hurt.

I could not have said it any better than this!!

I often wonder if the fingers were not placed back at me, if I received the support I needed at a time when we were so damn vulnerable....would this grief process be so much different? I think it would have. I know it would have. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry.

With the death of a child. There is closure. There is such a wonderful plan after we leave this earth and our children, parents, friends, family...will be healed of everything. The pain is taken away and the loved one is now free.

With the disruption of a child. There is no closure. Not always, rarely ever, is there a wonderful plan. The child still suffers...yet, another loss. The child is still in pain. The loved one is NOT free of his/her pain.

Two very different subjects.

Two very different experiences.

Something that I pray I or anyone ever has to experience.

Something that I pray doesn't have to happen..