This week brings on a great deal of emotion, excitement, and all kinds of other stuff with it.
Wednesday, my family and I will board an airplane. Fly 2000 miles across the United States. For the first time in nearly 16 years, we will see and meet lots and lots of family members!! This will be the first time that 99% of my family will meet my husband. It will be the first time that 100% of my family will meet my children. The first time my children will meet their Great Grandparents, Great Aunts/Uncles, Cousins and lots more people. I am the oldest of many many many (did I say MANY) grandchildren?
I am very excited. Yet, there is a big hole. Just like when we went to Disney World. There was a big hole as one of the people that my family has never met, nor will they will not be with us. Ever. This family, who have children who were/are adopted. One a very newly adopted child. One, two, three...there are tons of my cousins who probably will fit some of the issues that our child had.
That's okay. I am okay with this. It.Is.What.It.Is. And there is nothing I can do to change this.
This week marks a very hard and frustrating point in our journey. The reason behind this blog. I did not plan this trip to coincide with this anniversary. It just happened.
Three years ago this week was the last time I saw Cor. Three years ago this week was the last picture I had taken with Cor. (I can't find it, btw). Three years ago this week was the last time I heard his voice.
Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days it seems like it has been a life time.
There will be such excitement and joy this week and at the same time a rather large void, that is always there. However, this week seems to be ever increased.
Sunday, April 5, 2009
Wednesday, April 1, 2009
Ms. RAD Mouth and Stalkers
On Monday, Ms. RAD Mouth did her new thing of standing in front of me. Staring me down. Giving me the 10th degree in glare/stare. Smacking her pass threw the machine and making her grewling presence be known.
I.Did.Not.Say.One.Word.To.Her. I smiled and just continued to watch the children getting on the bus.
Then she did something that was really not cool. In RAD terms..the only way to teach a lesson (in my opinion) is natural consequences. However, when you lean against the rear door - and it gets opened and you fall out..that wouldn't be cool, right? Thus, I can't really do that. I give up.
Then I had to listen to a handful of children (same ones that Ms. RAD Mouth) was getting in trouble, only they knew to shut their lips and she didn't. They decided it it was time to take their lets pretend you are a stalker montra to a hole new level. Two Foster Care children and 3-4 other children, discussing stalking, kidnapping, duct taping, raping and all other kinds of grueling stuff....doing this TO EACH OTHER...all in a joking manner.
I.AM.TIRED.OF.THIS.
So today I called dispatch shortly before I got to school requesting principal come to my bus. We need to talk.
Mr. P comes and we have a talk. To say he was pissed beyond belief re: the pretending crap that was being said...would be an understatement. He will be taking care of that tmw.
THEN I talked to him about Ms. RAD Mouth.
I had to hold back the tears. S'rsly folks....my heart is so torn and feels so flippen broken about what has happened to this young lady in the last year. If I didn't trust the principal - I would think he was bluffing and lying to me. It was/is incredible horrible. Lets just say this young lady had a very very severe traumatic brain injury, ended up in a comma for 4 full months and in/out for the next 2 months. When she woke up, she was a completely different young lady than what she was before she went to sleep. Before she went to sleep she was a straight A, most popular in her class, most well behaved and loved child in the school.....The next 6 months led to a disruption, new parents, new school and now a bus driver who is at her wits end.....
I am very torn on how to move fwd with Ms. Mouth. I think I will not refer to her as Mr. RAD mouth. Ms. Mouth did not ride today. I think my next step will try to kill her with kindness, give her the support that she needs, yet continue to be firm in my expectations. I will give her another chance to move to the front of the bus and stand near me. I she calls me a F.B. she will no longer to be able to ride the bus.
My heart is heavy as I think about her and the events in her life. My own life and the current issues that are causing a great deal of frustration, saddness, and just plain pissed off-ness.
I.Did.Not.Say.One.Word.To.Her. I smiled and just continued to watch the children getting on the bus.
Then she did something that was really not cool. In RAD terms..the only way to teach a lesson (in my opinion) is natural consequences. However, when you lean against the rear door - and it gets opened and you fall out..that wouldn't be cool, right? Thus, I can't really do that. I give up.
Then I had to listen to a handful of children (same ones that Ms. RAD Mouth) was getting in trouble, only they knew to shut their lips and she didn't. They decided it it was time to take their lets pretend you are a stalker montra to a hole new level. Two Foster Care children and 3-4 other children, discussing stalking, kidnapping, duct taping, raping and all other kinds of grueling stuff....doing this TO EACH OTHER...all in a joking manner.
I.AM.TIRED.OF.THIS.
So today I called dispatch shortly before I got to school requesting principal come to my bus. We need to talk.
Mr. P comes and we have a talk. To say he was pissed beyond belief re: the pretending crap that was being said...would be an understatement. He will be taking care of that tmw.
THEN I talked to him about Ms. RAD Mouth.
I had to hold back the tears. S'rsly folks....my heart is so torn and feels so flippen broken about what has happened to this young lady in the last year. If I didn't trust the principal - I would think he was bluffing and lying to me. It was/is incredible horrible. Lets just say this young lady had a very very severe traumatic brain injury, ended up in a comma for 4 full months and in/out for the next 2 months. When she woke up, she was a completely different young lady than what she was before she went to sleep. Before she went to sleep she was a straight A, most popular in her class, most well behaved and loved child in the school.....The next 6 months led to a disruption, new parents, new school and now a bus driver who is at her wits end.....
I am very torn on how to move fwd with Ms. Mouth. I think I will not refer to her as Mr. RAD mouth. Ms. Mouth did not ride today. I think my next step will try to kill her with kindness, give her the support that she needs, yet continue to be firm in my expectations. I will give her another chance to move to the front of the bus and stand near me. I she calls me a F.B. she will no longer to be able to ride the bus.
My heart is heavy as I think about her and the events in her life. My own life and the current issues that are causing a great deal of frustration, saddness, and just plain pissed off-ness.
Sunday, March 29, 2009
Last Nerve
I've got just one nerve remaining that is keeping my sanity intact
I truly need to just go to bed. It is 7pm. Maybe if I go to bed, the extra sleep will help induce 'weight loss" Go to MY OTHER BLOG to read about my newest discovery on sleep and weight loss.
I truly need to just go to bed. It is 7pm. Maybe if I go to bed, the extra sleep will help induce 'weight loss" Go to MY OTHER BLOG to read about my newest discovery on sleep and weight loss.
I have a child in my home who can not play on her own. She is a very sweet lil raddish. Some days it is all I can do to not loose my patience with her. It is coming very quickly for me this evening. I need to just go to bed.
I have a child in my home who can not use the toilet properly. Thus she wears pull-ups and still manages to pee on my couch, chair, floor. This child is never out of my sight. The dear Lord truly does know...I would give anything right about now for her to be able to be out of my sight, playing w/my children. But she can't manage to do that. The most she has ever played by herself while in my home was 15 minutes. Usually, she tells me over and over and over and oved and over and over ...did I mention she repeats this 100 times an hour..."Gala, look I'm playing by myself". In reality she is not playing by herself. She is holding a toy, staring at me with those RADish eyes....I usually respond in a nice way. Today, it wasn't so nice. It was more of a "ENOUGH already..." I should just go to bed.
I have a child in my home who will not stop telling me she wants to smell my butt, lifting her shirt, telling my son his butt stinks. She has many time outs in the corner and strong sitting moments to think about the naughty talk. If I could trust her not to flood my bathroom, she would be strong sitting and thinking about the potty talk in the bathroom. I can't. So it happens out here. I'm tired...I should go to bed. My patience is truly depleted.
I have a child in my home who keeps telling me she is going to go home today and I need to call her mom. She is currently fighting w/my daughter upstairs. I guess, she can't go watch tv for even 2 minutes with Abi. So much for trying. I.AM.TIRED.
Did I mention...I should probably just go to bed. In hopes of not having a moment of pure insanity and loosing.my.chit like I did yesterday at Costco (see link above and my other blog).
We do respite for this child in my home every weekend. If she isn't having seizures, then there are behavior issues that are rather minor most days. However, today I have one last nerve and it is about to fall off that leaf!!
~Some times~
~~the most sincere, heart felt comments....pierce your heart.
For those of you have read my blog for a bit may/may not remember that we received a phone call about Cor back in January. Since then we received an update that he was moved out of the treatment foster/group home for threatening the owners wife. (not a bit suprise).
This afternoon I had just prepared lunch for our family. The Missionaries/Elder's were coming for dinner. As I sat down to the table Abi says....
"Mom, can you and I go shopping and make an Easter Basket and care package to send to Corry?"
So sweet.
So innocent.
So much pain.
So much anger.
So much.....
As I told her "Ab, no we can't. Cor was moved from that home. We dont' know where he is at and it is most likely not a place that would allow him to have treats and special things like that"
Wow...that digs deep. For me. For Ab. For Cor. For everyone.
She doesn't understand.
She knows that her brother was gone. She knows that he hurt her and her little brother. She knows so much more than what we can/have given her credit for. He was not talked about in our lives (still isn't for the most part). Then one night she hears her father talking to him on the phone. How confusing for her. I feel like I lied to her. I told her we could send him a package and now we can't.
For those of you have read my blog for a bit may/may not remember that we received a phone call about Cor back in January. Since then we received an update that he was moved out of the treatment foster/group home for threatening the owners wife. (not a bit suprise).
This afternoon I had just prepared lunch for our family. The Missionaries/Elder's were coming for dinner. As I sat down to the table Abi says....
"Mom, can you and I go shopping and make an Easter Basket and care package to send to Corry?"
So sweet.
So innocent.
So much pain.
So much anger.
So much.....
As I told her "Ab, no we can't. Cor was moved from that home. We dont' know where he is at and it is most likely not a place that would allow him to have treats and special things like that"
Wow...that digs deep. For me. For Ab. For Cor. For everyone.
She doesn't understand.
She knows that her brother was gone. She knows that he hurt her and her little brother. She knows so much more than what we can/have given her credit for. He was not talked about in our lives (still isn't for the most part). Then one night she hears her father talking to him on the phone. How confusing for her. I feel like I lied to her. I told her we could send him a package and now we can't.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Children with R.A.D.
~you can spot them from a mile away~
**this is my opinion (as with the entire blog) and my opinion only. You don't like what I have to say...don't read it. Agree to disagree. Thank You**
If you read my other blog Story of Our Life - you may or may not know that I drive bus for the mass transit system in the town nearby (we live in suburb). I am employeed by the city. All employees start out part time, advance to full time based on sceniority...currently I'm #3 in line. As a PT employee I am blessed (not) to drive the City of M_ middle and high school children. They are something of a different breed of human beings.
I might have mentioned this before..not sure.
Few months ago I had a young lady, about 7th grade, start riding. The first few days she was rather "needy". Didn't go far from me. I don't "follow" normal/standard yellow school bus routes. Just like in Mass Transit - if you want off..your ring the bell 1-2 blocks in advance. You don't ring it. I don't stop. End of Story. I'm a beeotch when it comes to this. I have to be.
Well, I 'taught' her the rules and the first week she forgot to 'ring' the bell severall times. Did I mention she was needy? From day one I could tell. But, decided to be nice and thought to myself - she is in a new LARGE school and I need to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Well, Feb. 9 ( remember because that is the day I was hit by a car - happened right after my 'incident with Ms. Mouth'. Ms. Mouth and I had a few words that day. She continued to be mouthy. I was very clear in my expectations. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. I didn't loose my cool w/this kid like I do the others. I'm not very nice to be honest -- usually I tend to loose.my.chit.and go.metro..... I was calm and collective. Because, deep in my heart...I could tell. This child has R.A.D. I had listened to her over the course of a few weeks, learned her life story (or somewhat of what I could actually believe.) I decided I needed to start the paper trail......she received her first incident report. Quite frankly - ANYONE who calls me an F'n Beeotch...well...I write a report.
Come back from my 2 weeks off. She has made friends. (so I thought).
Over the last few weeks I have come closer and closer to loosing my patience. Friday, it was the end of it.....I.Lost.My.Chit!! S'rsly folks.... As I informed these middle school children that if they didnt' shut their traps (my exact words) I would arrange for assigned seats. Of course Ms. Mouth and Mr. Mouth decide to talk back. As I am driving (they are standing right behind me). I tell warn them. They didn't oblige. Mr. Mouth apologized (he is in Foster Home,fell from 3rd story building at age of 2-3 and well...he really did mean it and he tries to listen and be respectful). Ms. Mouth, well she didn't shut her trap. As she got off the bus, she told me "I GUESS I will see you on Monday in my assigned seat you F'n B... I started laughing hysterically. She was lucky she got of the bus. Cuz, Ms. Bus driver might have come undone...I was a bit on the extremely depressed side of life, on a new antidepressant that I was having extremely horrible side affects...and well....she is lucky she left.
I wrote an incident report. I had the last 2 days off and was not able to 'follow thru' with my promise. Dang it.
Today.I.Did....
And...
As I spoke w/the principal who had not received my report yet this chick lost it on me. Told me (us) she was going to 'spread it all over the bus'. I said 'spread what? That you ahve an assigned seat in the back of the bus because you can't be respectful to adults?" No she says..that you are a big...I can't repeat it. OH'...that I'm a big bitch. That's okay Ms. Mouth...I dont' care what you think of me. You WILL not talk to me this way. GOt it? She didnt' look at me. She then kept going at the mouth. I calmly told her if I have to write ONE MORE incident report she will be finding alternate means of transportation to school. I didn't want to do that. I want to see her succeed. She blew her mouth. The principal just looked at me, smiled and said to her Ms. Mouth...she is trying to work with you...she continued to go off. I calmly smiled and said "HONEY, I will say to you RIGHT now what I say to you EVERY time...you best SHUT YOUR TRAP, go find a seat at the BACK OF THE BUS........". ROFLMAO....s'rsly, I think the principal probably pee'd her pants.
Ms. Mouth got on the bus...running her big trap.
Principal then says to me..."We have your back. Just let us know. Ms. Mouth...well...she has some problems. (ya think)...she has some emotional problems (ya think)....she has what is called Reactive Attachment Disorder....(ya think...OMG...did a PRINCIPAL just admit this). I responded with 'oh..sure, I know exactly what RAD is...." I think the principal needed depends at this point. I then responded with "She will still be Respectful, Responsible and Fun to Be Around in my presence...or I will guarantee she has a different mode of transportation to school. Assuming that children with RAD most of the time have IEP's consider this your warning...you may want to set up alternate transportation for her..."
Smiled and got on the bus....
I KNEW IT!!!
**this is my opinion (as with the entire blog) and my opinion only. You don't like what I have to say...don't read it. Agree to disagree. Thank You**
If you read my other blog Story of Our Life - you may or may not know that I drive bus for the mass transit system in the town nearby (we live in suburb). I am employeed by the city. All employees start out part time, advance to full time based on sceniority...currently I'm #3 in line. As a PT employee I am blessed (not) to drive the City of M_ middle and high school children. They are something of a different breed of human beings.
I might have mentioned this before..not sure.
Few months ago I had a young lady, about 7th grade, start riding. The first few days she was rather "needy". Didn't go far from me. I don't "follow" normal/standard yellow school bus routes. Just like in Mass Transit - if you want off..your ring the bell 1-2 blocks in advance. You don't ring it. I don't stop. End of Story. I'm a beeotch when it comes to this. I have to be.
Well, I 'taught' her the rules and the first week she forgot to 'ring' the bell severall times. Did I mention she was needy? From day one I could tell. But, decided to be nice and thought to myself - she is in a new LARGE school and I need to give her the benefit of the doubt.
Well, Feb. 9 ( remember because that is the day I was hit by a car - happened right after my 'incident with Ms. Mouth'. Ms. Mouth and I had a few words that day. She continued to be mouthy. I was very clear in my expectations. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. I didn't loose my cool w/this kid like I do the others. I'm not very nice to be honest -- usually I tend to loose.my.chit.and go.metro..... I was calm and collective. Because, deep in my heart...I could tell. This child has R.A.D. I had listened to her over the course of a few weeks, learned her life story (or somewhat of what I could actually believe.) I decided I needed to start the paper trail......she received her first incident report. Quite frankly - ANYONE who calls me an F'n Beeotch...well...I write a report.
Come back from my 2 weeks off. She has made friends. (so I thought).
Over the last few weeks I have come closer and closer to loosing my patience. Friday, it was the end of it.....I.Lost.My.Chit!! S'rsly folks.... As I informed these middle school children that if they didnt' shut their traps (my exact words) I would arrange for assigned seats. Of course Ms. Mouth and Mr. Mouth decide to talk back. As I am driving (they are standing right behind me). I tell warn them. They didn't oblige. Mr. Mouth apologized (he is in Foster Home,fell from 3rd story building at age of 2-3 and well...he really did mean it and he tries to listen and be respectful). Ms. Mouth, well she didn't shut her trap. As she got off the bus, she told me "I GUESS I will see you on Monday in my assigned seat you F'n B... I started laughing hysterically. She was lucky she got of the bus. Cuz, Ms. Bus driver might have come undone...I was a bit on the extremely depressed side of life, on a new antidepressant that I was having extremely horrible side affects...and well....she is lucky she left.
I wrote an incident report. I had the last 2 days off and was not able to 'follow thru' with my promise. Dang it.
Today.I.Did....
And...
As I spoke w/the principal who had not received my report yet this chick lost it on me. Told me (us) she was going to 'spread it all over the bus'. I said 'spread what? That you ahve an assigned seat in the back of the bus because you can't be respectful to adults?" No she says..that you are a big...I can't repeat it. OH'...that I'm a big bitch. That's okay Ms. Mouth...I dont' care what you think of me. You WILL not talk to me this way. GOt it? She didnt' look at me. She then kept going at the mouth. I calmly told her if I have to write ONE MORE incident report she will be finding alternate means of transportation to school. I didn't want to do that. I want to see her succeed. She blew her mouth. The principal just looked at me, smiled and said to her Ms. Mouth...she is trying to work with you...she continued to go off. I calmly smiled and said "HONEY, I will say to you RIGHT now what I say to you EVERY time...you best SHUT YOUR TRAP, go find a seat at the BACK OF THE BUS........". ROFLMAO....s'rsly, I think the principal probably pee'd her pants.
Ms. Mouth got on the bus...running her big trap.
Principal then says to me..."We have your back. Just let us know. Ms. Mouth...well...she has some problems. (ya think)...she has some emotional problems (ya think)....she has what is called Reactive Attachment Disorder....(ya think...OMG...did a PRINCIPAL just admit this). I responded with 'oh..sure, I know exactly what RAD is...." I think the principal needed depends at this point. I then responded with "She will still be Respectful, Responsible and Fun to Be Around in my presence...or I will guarantee she has a different mode of transportation to school. Assuming that children with RAD most of the time have IEP's consider this your warning...you may want to set up alternate transportation for her..."
Smiled and got on the bus....
I KNEW IT!!!
Saturday, March 21, 2009
List of Things that Would Mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...if....
The list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if....
I can't find the wrestling forms that I need to send back for Bryant. I haven't balanced my checkbook in forever, good thing I have a darling husband to do that. Should I join Netflix again? I'm scared to join the PTO but really I should. I am afraid if I join the PTO I would offend the rich, do-gooder, pms'n snobby parents with my all to casaul, not so rich attitude. Will I or won't I make the full-time pick for Metro on the next round? I really need to make the fulltime pick. Will the the next full time pick be in June or August or will I have to wait till January? I have 300 perfect lines to type, that means no backspacing to fix errors for my typing class, did I mention I hate typing? I will not pay $25 for a bottle of jelly beans disguised as children's vitamins, eve if they are organic. I never have enough time to myself, I'm going crazy with these people. Do people talk behind my back? I want to go to DisneyWorld, again. Why does James have to insist on being so anal retentive with so many things and then end up sending the wrong very expensive tuperware steamer back to the company? Why couldn't he have just waited for his very relaxed, wait till everything passes, it will get done someday wife to send it back because then..it would have been done right? I used plastic bages yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, dang it...so shoot me. Did I remember to record Survivor t his week? Oh' wait it wasn't on because of some stupid basketball game. I really have to go to that birthday party? Will my children grow up to think I'm horrible? Am I really the worst mom ever? I really did want to buy that sweet lil' purple jacket today, it would be so versatile.....
This is a partial list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if I were riding in a taxi cab with my husband on the way to the airport and we smashed head-on into a truck.
We are all, each one of us, at every turn, an instant away from profound change. Every moment counts, it really does.
Things that do matter: Love. James. My children. My good friends. My home. My mom and dad. My family. Sunshine.
We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)
I can't find the wrestling forms that I need to send back for Bryant. I haven't balanced my checkbook in forever, good thing I have a darling husband to do that. Should I join Netflix again? I'm scared to join the PTO but really I should. I am afraid if I join the PTO I would offend the rich, do-gooder, pms'n snobby parents with my all to casaul, not so rich attitude. Will I or won't I make the full-time pick for Metro on the next round? I really need to make the fulltime pick. Will the the next full time pick be in June or August or will I have to wait till January? I have 300 perfect lines to type, that means no backspacing to fix errors for my typing class, did I mention I hate typing? I will not pay $25 for a bottle of jelly beans disguised as children's vitamins, eve if they are organic. I never have enough time to myself, I'm going crazy with these people. Do people talk behind my back? I want to go to DisneyWorld, again. Why does James have to insist on being so anal retentive with so many things and then end up sending the wrong very expensive tuperware steamer back to the company? Why couldn't he have just waited for his very relaxed, wait till everything passes, it will get done someday wife to send it back because then..it would have been done right? I used plastic bages yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, dang it...so shoot me. Did I remember to record Survivor t his week? Oh' wait it wasn't on because of some stupid basketball game. I really have to go to that birthday party? Will my children grow up to think I'm horrible? Am I really the worst mom ever? I really did want to buy that sweet lil' purple jacket today, it would be so versatile.....
This is a partial list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if I were riding in a taxi cab with my husband on the way to the airport and we smashed head-on into a truck.
Every stress, every trigger, every judgment, every anxious thought, would explode in a cloud of papers and shoes and toothbrushes and flutter lazily down to rest on the highway in an eerie calm until the street sweeper pushed it away into the landfill of Things That Really Don't Matter. Just like that.
We are all, each one of us, at every turn, an instant away from profound change. Every moment counts, it really does.
Things that do matter: Love. James. My children. My good friends. My home. My mom and dad. My family. Sunshine.
What's on your list?
Think about it and let me know....
Think about it and let me know....
Love, Gala
We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
Muddy Waters
As you may have guessed by my last post, there are some muddy waters surrounding me lately. Not specifically re: our disruption - yet it is. Because, in the end, it all comes together as one. It all has defined me as the person I am today. It has changed me from the person I was 10 yrs ago. Some say for the better. I, for one, today would say not for the better. Ten years ago, as I would sit and cry for hours on end because I got my period and wasn't pregnant after yet another month of tests....I never once ever felt as tho I couldn't go on w/my day. I never once felt as tho the world outside was so bitter and mean. I never once stayed in bed w/the covers over my head. I can't afford to loose my job. I make way to much money for a part time job. The end result is way to good. Yet, as the muddy waters get deeper, it becomes harder and harder to crawl out of bed.
I could really use the prayers right now.
I could really use the prayers right now.
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