Please Be Gentle

I read this poem on a blog today.  Even though my loss is so much different than this sweet families loss....

In some ways...it is very much the same.  I just thought this was a very neat poem and really touched my heart today.  I guess, missing that blonde haired young man lately more than I care to admit...

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.

Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture m e through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?

- By Jill B. Englar

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Thankful Thursday Perspective

During a time of bailouts, pointing fingers, econmic trials that we are going threw today, I want to list some things that I'm thankful for.  Instead of all the negative things that are in my world, swirling in my head, my job, in everyday life, I would like to praise my Father in Heaven, because of who He is and what he has done.  It is so easy to point plame and shout from the trials and tribulations and question our faith. 

I need to bask in the undeniable security that I have a Father in Heaven, who loves me, who hears my prayers, and the steadfast knowledge that the circumstances have not and will not take Him by surprise. 

Today, I just want to be. 

Today, I just want to be mindful of the blessings that I have in my life. 

 

I am thankful for my children, and their precious (sometimes) smiling faces that greet me each and every evening upon my arrival home from work.

I am thankful for my husband who tries so diligently to keep our home in order.

I am most thankful for today.. another breath, another joyous moment, another day of life that I don't deserve.

I am thankful for my parents, and all of the support they bring to our family.

I am thankful for the frogs that I heard driving down the road this morning.  It was such a wonderful sound.

I am thankful that in the midst of chaos, if I allow him to, My Father in Heaven will hold my hand and my heart.

I am thankful that I have such wonderful and supportive friends, even though I sometimes drive them nuts and they do me.

I am thankful that I am alive and able to work.

I am thankful that for the experience we had to parent Corry.  For without that experience, I would  not have the heart and compassion I do today for children with special needs.

I am thankful for my Father in Heaven who never gives up on me, even when I have given up on myself (and Him).

I am thankful that I have the security of knowing that no matter what...my Father in Heaven will be there for me.

Take a moment to listen to this link:  What a Wonderful World

ALMOST there...

Because I am taking online courses at the college, I can/am ending my classes earlier than other students. I believe that most students attend class until around the 19th of May.


Last week I finished my accounting class.  Considering I failed nearly every single test, only receiving about a 50-60%, I will end the course with an 85% which is a B or C (not sure right off hand).  You know what...I don't really care!! I passed. I did learn something.  It helped that I received 100% on nearly every homework assignment.  I have about 5 assignments that I could fix the errors on and I have the ability to retake the tests that I failed, with the highest grade being the one that is counted.  At this very moment...I don't care. I passed. I passed with a rather 'ok' grade. I don't strive to get straight A's.


My typing class, it is a rather advanced class.  My goals the instructor set were/are very high.  I started the class the week after I punched the car in Feb. trying to 'not get hit'. (didn't work very well..I still got hit by the car).  I have a scar on my left wrist from the so called therapy that the I endured. I stopped going to the therapy because I was sick and tired of leaving with blisters.  plain.cut.simple.and.dry.  According to the therapist - it should have got 100% better. As soon as the therapy stopped, the pain came back.  Basically, I have pretty significant tendanitis in my wrist. Not sure what can/will help with it.  My typing class required I type a MINIMUM of 200 PERFECT lines p/week.  If I made a mistake in that sentence, I had to redo it.  That was just to get a "D".  To get an "A" for that week I had to type 280 lines or more.  Every single week, with the exception of last week, I typed 280+ lines.  I still got an A for last week's assignment because I emailed her and told her "I just can't do it anymore."  I have 3 more days till the last assigment is due.  I will end up with a B in the class I believe. Maybe an A. Who knows. It will see how lienent she is. I've not increased my words per minute by 10 words so it will be interesting to see what happens.


The last class I am taking. I will most likely end up with an A, maybe an AB. 


Regardless, I'm DONE DONE DONE!!


I can't say I will return in the fall.  My intentions on going to school this year were a few differnet reasons.  Mainly to get general ed requirements so I could return to the University.  Not going to happen. I will be honest and say - I am giving up on the thoughts that I had.

I can only hope and pray that I will be offered full-time between know and August....REALLY PRAYING!! Not only for the financial reason but a few others that I don't care to go into right now.  Maybe another day, another post.

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April 21, 1999

~~~we finalized our adoption for Corry.

April 22, 1999
~~~we were sealed for eternity in the Chicago LDS Temple.

April 23, 2008
~~~first "When Love was Not Enough" post.

This week we received a phone all (my dh did) from the new SW at the new residential facility where Corry was recently placed at. A few days later Cor called him.

This evening, we received a phone call from the phone number of the last placement. The person who initially contacted us back in January.

My daughter answered the call. The person on the other end hung up. I called the number back. The group home owner stated that his 2 yr old son was playing w/his phone and accidently called us. He apologized profusely. The proceeded to talk and talk....

J' feel quite abit of guilt from having the placement fail. He also has quite abit of anger from the damage that was done while Cor was in his group home (anger because he couldn't help him).

For the first time in 2 1/2 yrs - I spoke with someone who has had direct contact with this child. I have a ton of things swirling in my head.

One of the questions that I've had or worried about for several years was...

"Will we be the target of his anger? Will he seek revenge on our family? This child has sociopath thinking and behaviors (no joke folks) and this has been forever on the forefront of my mind"

I asked J' what he thought.

He said with an absolute resounding NO...he adores you, your dh, your children. He have genuine remorse for hurting you and your children. He hates the State and I can forsee him walking into a state facility and bearing arms and hurting someone or many people....

While that made me feel a bit of hope and relief, it also really makes me feel worse. Worse to know that the things I've thought are true...that this child has and will have the capibility of killing someone. He talks about it daily. He threatened this man and those around him over and over...

I know we did the right thing. I know that we did our best. I know that my heart still hurts and misses that lil blonde haired tiny lil 4 yr old who sat across from the judge that day 10 yrs ago and told her "THIS is my NEW mom and DAD and BABY (pointing to my belly). Everyone thought it was so cute that he emphasized "dad and baby" leaving me out....

If only I knew that day...

What I know now.

Our Vacation - One Year Anniversary

The day we left on our vacation was the one year anniversary of the first post on this blog.

My intent was to 'tell our story'. The story of how our love wasn't quite enough, for one little boys, broken and tattered heart.

Somewhere over the last year, the blog took a different turn. There are days when the posts do talk 'tell our story'. Then there are days that 'that story hurts to much' and the rant that comes out of my fingers is what is fresh on my heart for that day.

Recently, I read an article (can't remember where...I think it was on the "Depression on My Mind" blog) about the 5 stages of grief. How they can/do all happen at such different times. Sometimes over and over. Sometimes at different times, sometimes all at the same time.

Our vacation was great. It was not long enough. Sure, many people say that. However, it truly wasn't. We flew in on the 8th. Drove for 2 1/2 hours and arrived on the 9th at 2:30am. That was "VERY EARLY" on Thursday...we left early on Monday.

Just plain cut simple and dry...NOT enough time to do everything, see everyone, love on everyone, relax and just be...when you haven't seen these people in SIXTEEN YEI have so much more to say..so much more in my brain....I just can't put it here,right now...

Heavy Heart, Anxiety, and all that other jazzy

This week brings on a great deal of emotion, excitement, and all kinds of other stuff with it.

Wednesday, my family and I will board an airplane. Fly 2000 miles across the United States. For the first time in nearly 16 years, we will see and meet lots and lots of family members!! This will be the first time that 99% of my family will meet my husband. It will be the first time that 100% of my family will meet my children. The first time my children will meet their Great Grandparents, Great Aunts/Uncles, Cousins and lots more people. I am the oldest of many many many (did I say MANY) grandchildren?

I am very excited. Yet, there is a big hole. Just like when we went to Disney World. There was a big hole as one of the people that my family has never met, nor will they will not be with us. Ever. This family, who have children who were/are adopted. One a very newly adopted child. One, two, three...there are tons of my cousins who probably will fit some of the issues that our child had.

That's okay. I am okay with this. It.Is.What.It.Is. And there is nothing I can do to change this.

This week marks a very hard and frustrating point in our journey. The reason behind this blog. I did not plan this trip to coincide with this anniversary. It just happened.

Three years ago this week was the last time I saw Cor. Three years ago this week was the last picture I had taken with Cor. (I can't find it, btw). Three years ago this week was the last time I heard his voice.

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days it seems like it has been a life time.

There will be such excitement and joy this week and at the same time a rather large void, that is always there. However, this week seems to be ever increased.

Ms. RAD Mouth and Stalkers

On Monday, Ms. RAD Mouth did her new thing of standing in front of me. Staring me down. Giving me the 10th degree in glare/stare. Smacking her pass threw the machine and making her grewling presence be known.

I.Did.Not.Say.One.Word.To.Her. I smiled and just continued to watch the children getting on the bus.

Then she did something that was really not cool. In RAD terms..the only way to teach a lesson (in my opinion) is natural consequences. However, when you lean against the rear door - and it gets opened and you fall out..that wouldn't be cool, right? Thus, I can't really do that. I give up.

Then I had to listen to a handful of children (same ones that Ms. RAD Mouth) was getting in trouble, only they knew to shut their lips and she didn't. They decided it it was time to take their lets pretend you are a stalker montra to a hole new level. Two Foster Care children and 3-4 other children, discussing stalking, kidnapping, duct taping, raping and all other kinds of grueling stuff....doing this TO EACH OTHER...all in a joking manner.

I.AM.TIRED.OF.THIS.

So today I called dispatch shortly before I got to school requesting principal come to my bus. We need to talk.

Mr. P comes and we have a talk. To say he was pissed beyond belief re: the pretending crap that was being said...would be an understatement. He will be taking care of that tmw.

THEN I talked to him about Ms. RAD Mouth.

I had to hold back the tears. S'rsly folks....my heart is so torn and feels so flippen broken about what has happened to this young lady in the last year. If I didn't trust the principal - I would think he was bluffing and lying to me. It was/is incredible horrible. Lets just say this young lady had a very very severe traumatic brain injury, ended up in a comma for 4 full months and in/out for the next 2 months. When she woke up, she was a completely different young lady than what she was before she went to sleep. Before she went to sleep she was a straight A, most popular in her class, most well behaved and loved child in the school.....The next 6 months led to a disruption, new parents, new school and now a bus driver who is at her wits end.....

I am very torn on how to move fwd with Ms. Mouth. I think I will not refer to her as Mr. RAD mouth. Ms. Mouth did not ride today. I think my next step will try to kill her with kindness, give her the support that she needs, yet continue to be firm in my expectations. I will give her another chance to move to the front of the bus and stand near me. I she calls me a F.B. she will no longer to be able to ride the bus.

My heart is heavy as I think about her and the events in her life. My own life and the current issues that are causing a great deal of frustration, saddness, and just plain pissed off-ness.