Healing from a Heartbreak caused by R.A.D.

Recently, like today, I felt a very strong need to bring up Nancy Thomas' website. It isn't something that I look at often anymore. Because, well you all know, we don't live 100% in the depths of R.A.D. and the affects that it takes on the caregivers. (I actually, mean the MOM's).

While I actually had a topic in mind that I didn't find; I came across this article.

Sometimes our Father in Heaven gives us that gentle nudge that we need. I received it this afternoon/evening as I made dinner. "look up Nancy's website" And so I did.

I needed to read this article today.

You might need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who do need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who I wish I was sitting in the house next to yours..where I could get up off my fat butt and come give you a hug. Just because...I could. Oh' how I wish I could give S and S and each of their children (if they wanted me to) a hug today. How I wish that I could cry those ugly tears that I know you've cried 0r maybe you don't have any left in you. Oh' how I know I've been there. It sucks. Really I know it does.
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This week marked an anniversary for me. I say me because my dh doesn't acknowledge and/or remember them. It is no small wonder that I had a complete and udder meltdown in the drs office. It was a brand new dr. One I've never met. One I really needed to be on my side, to refill a rx that I'm out of. Instead, I fell apart. Like REALLY fell apart. I mean...REALLY (did you get that...REALLY). So much so that I told him (in a few words or less) that not only was he wasting his time but he was wasting my time. Then I did something I never thought I would have the balls to do. I got my fat butt up off the chair and walked out.

Today as I looked at the calender and realized what the date was today. What the date was this week. What it signifies. It is no small wonder that I actually made it to work 4 out of 5 days scheduled. Really. It truly is no small wonder.

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I might more later on some of my thoughts, feelings, frustrations.....

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Until then...my dear bloggy friends who are struggling. PLEASE know that you are each in my prayers!!

Our WISH Week

is here....

 

We were picked up in a limo this afternooon from Nia's other mom's house.  We were then brought to an awesome 2 BEDROOM suite hotel  an hour and half away from our home right next to the airport.....where we will spend the night

 

The kids thought they were in heaven. It was almost to much excitement for them to handle. 

Nia's sister Mykiah said "do you think Miley is in there?"  How sweet and darling all in one!!

 

After telling Nia there was a NO TALKING RULE she stopped the NON stop chatter that makes me want to duct tape her mouth shut.  I even had to tell Bry...enough already.  Which on a good day doesn't take much.

 

The kids quickly made short order to get their swimming suits on.  They went down to the beautiful pool and swam for quite awhile. 

 

Thenn I ordered pizza from T.oppers.  It was awesome.  Very good pizza.  My kids learned that even though sometimes pizza doesn't look very good...it is.  AKA: Cheesesteak Pizza is great.

 

TOMORROW we will wake up and be at the airport by 8am so we will have plenty of time to get......

 

3 adults....

4 children (9 and under)

1 wheelchair

1 five point harness car seat

4 check in bags

8 carry on bags....3 of those carry-ons are our actual clothes. (We only get 1 carry on a piece but I get a purse so...my backpack that I've used as a purse for the last few years....will be just that!!)

and....

one really bad cough from one of the mommy's who thought she was better. However, after being well for 3 days the pneumonia is rearing its ugly head again.  I'm needing some prayers....if only I had thought about bringing the nebulizer AND had room for it....I would have.  But, we don't.  The inhalers make this mommy puke and so it is really hard to take them...

 

MAKE - A - WISH.....WE ARE SOOOOO ETERNALLY THANKFULL FOR THIS WONDERFUL BLESSING THAT OUR LIVES HAVE BEEN BLESSED WITH.  There is a hurt in my heart that hurts for Princess Nia for all her struggles.  But, her struggles are so much better and I'm even more thankfull that she is doing really well right now so she can enjoy this wonderful blessing.  We could not have asked for more.  The expense check - well, in my heart of heart I'm hoping and praying there will be left-overs at the end of the week bc we will definately be giving it right back to the Make-A-Wish foundation....

 

Until next time.......

 

 

What a Blessing

..this little guy is.

What a Miracle...

this little guy is.

Please check out this video - Bronson's Miracle.

Our Father in Heaven had wonderful plans for Bronson. His plan did not include Bronson leaving his Earthly Parents. Instead, his plan included strengthening the testimonies of those who heard of his story.

I know as a parent, I can't even begin to fathom the pain that this family endured.
I know as a parent, I have rejoiced in their miracle and this morning cried tears of sweet joy as I watched this video and shared his story w/my husband.

Check out their blog: Stalkerz Expozed

~I Can Only Imagine~

I know I was blessed by watching this.

Hope you will be, too!!

 

I Can Only Imagine!! (click on this link)

more on "the story" to come

It has been several months since I wrote about ...the journey...our story...and how we came to disrupt.

Sometimes, in this journey you have to take a break. That is exactly what I've done.

I'll be leaving off w/ the "after" Dr. A's appt. I believe that post was in June or July....

Connections

In sharing openly about our disruption over the last 3 years and the reality of the sorrow, grief and heartache in our lives our family has made connections in real life and online that I would have never believed possible had I not shared our story. As I've shared our story, I've done so reluctantly. Yet, have known beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is our story and in my doing so I have provided myself some healing along the way and hopefully help someone else along the way. The connections are something that are almost always invisible to the naked eye. It is a very powerful and yet felt so strongly with in my heart.

I've been blogging about our story for about 18 months on When Love was Not Enough. Prior to that it was here and there and our journey to adopt again on "The Story of our Life".

Over the last several months there has been a change in my blogging. Fewer posts. Fewer thoughts. Partially because, the pain and grief are still there. Some days on that very same level. And yet, I've said the same thing over and over the last year or so. As I've stepped away it hasn't been for lack of 'something to say'. More-so the lack of something positive to say. We are walking down a new journey w/a new little one in our home. As I attempt to form a bond and find our new normal with a child who has special needs, work full-time in a very stressful - physically and emotionally demanding job, I've found myself at a lack of positive things to say.

Yet while sharing our story I am so amazed at how many people have this sort of connection. People/Mothers who have emailed me and/or posted with a simple "you get it...I get it..." I treasure those connections and at the very same time my heart aches so incredible deep for each child, each indidvidual, each family....most of all for each MOTHER.

I've recently read on another blog someone describe death/heartache as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain. Yet, those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (even though, the may not it most of the time). Some are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't truly empathize in the same way because they don't know the depths of the heart ache and how it feels. I have found this within my own family.

My heart hurts when I hear of others walking down the same path. I often wonder if I would be as understanding, if the ache I have would be on the same level that it currently is, if I had never experienced what I have. I mean really...I have read (not recently) blogs of adoptive parents who are so incredible against disruption <rightfully so>, but if I had never walked this path myself.....would I be as compassionate as I am? Would my husband and I been as willing to accept this child we have in our home w/o judgement of her adoptive mother?

Over the last few years I've learned that deep down in my heart of hearts...the sympathies and hugs that I had before going through our disruption were so much more empty. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was, as I knew it...going through infertility, hoping and dreaming of the family I would one day have.

Now when I offer words of support, comfort or extend a hug....it brings a whole new meaning to my words and the depth of my hugs are more heartfelt. I'm often at a loss of how to explain what I am truly feeling. Putting it into words is often a task all of its own, thus the somewhat reason for the lack of blogging on my part.

I am not alone when it comes this kind of heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that they brought into their home for whatever reason...to start a family, complete their family, because they fell in love with their picture on a website or visit to an orphanage, whatever the reason...there are families everywhere. Not always do you know it.

There is an invisible connection that keeps myself and other mothers/families tied together. It breaks my heart to think about not only those families but more importantly - the children affected. For whatever reason it may be. I am reminded often that my experience connects me with others and may even encourage others. I find myself often praying silently for those who have gone this painful route in their adoption journey.

I don't believe that I will ever fully understand the purpose of this sort of pain and heartche this side of Heaven. Somehow, I'm sure there can be good that will come from this as "I" trust in my Father in Heaven and allow him to work on me through others and vise-versa. I know that my heart has been softened as I've recently read a fellow bloggers journey. As her faith has remained strong. My faith has faltered greatly. I am open and honest that part of the falter in my faith is directly related to the individuals with in my church family who were apart of that hurt along the way. Yet, deep down in my heart of hearts..I know that my Father in Heaven is not at fault. He knew before our son even joined our family what the outcome would be. For that, I have to say, I am not greatful.

Not sure that I made any sense or that I even followed any common theme so to speak as I wrote this post. I don't even know that I accurately conveyed my true and deep thoughts. I know that this draft has been in the works as I've tried to convey my thoughts. I'm tired of looking at it in my drafts. So, conveyed correctly or not...here it is.

~~Gathering My Thoughts~~

I've been composing a post over the last few weeks.  It is saved in my 'inbox' drafts.  I'll continue to keep it there.   I came close to finishing it today. 

 

My heart is heavy.

My thoughts are heavy.
My grief is heavy.

My love for my new "foster" daughter is heavy.
My love for my bio chidlren is SOOO heavy.
My frustration in general is heavy.

 

I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks. 

 

I've had a hard time gathering my thoughts.

In the meantime, I hope and pray that each of you are having a great holiday season!!

 

Sending my love