Just wanted to clarify a few things.

I seen/published Diana's comment and received a few other personal emails from fellow bloggers (or I should say fellow lurkers in some cases) in regards to my last post.

I won't stop blogging. However, the tone or subject might change and may even be directed to a bit of a different audience. I don't believe I would close this blog completely. Just stop publishing posts and start an entirely different blog. There are many different reasons why.

Sure, I still beat myself up. I still have many many regrets when it comes to Our Story. Often I try to make sense of where/what/when/how we got to where we are 12 years after becoming parents to that little blonde curly haired little boy. And yet how I went to T.arget to their after Christmas sale and bought a 4 Stocking Holder saying of "L O V E " for our family of 4...and how I still ahve a 5 peace stocking holder set that says "P E A C E" and yet....there is not peace in my heart.

I will admit....(if you've not figured it out already) that sure....I struggle daily, weekly, hourly....and there are days that I can't even say it has anything to do with our disruption and/or how we got there and there are days that it has everything to do with our disruption and how we got there. The mere fact that the ONE thing left in our home....that represented "OUR FAMILY of 5" will be replaced come next Christmas. And that really stings. A LOT.

There I said it. There will no longer be an empty Red Stocking hung. There will no longer be that 5th spot. Because as it has been for a few years now....we are a family of 4 not 5.

So you might ask or wonder why close this blog or stop blogging and open another? Because well....just because I can I guess. I really don't have the answers right now. Well, I do. Being able to articulate them into a blog post at this point is something that I can't do.

Did this make any sense? Probably not. But that's okay. And really...I'm okay, too. Just trying to dig deep into the heart of a few tough things right now. The purpose behind this blog is only 1 portion of it right now.

I Wish...

....I had the ability to change the path that led us to where we are today. The path that any parent who finds themselves looking down the barrel of disruption. It is a pretty damn sucky path.

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I know that I haven't really blogged about anything that has had much of anything to do other than my own woe is me for sometime on this blog. Often I consider closing this blog. Actually, there isn't many weeks that go by that I don't think about it for at least a bit.

I am not sure about the future of this blog. Or even my other blog. I'm contemplating taking a completely different route in my blogging. One that is a bit more personal. That may/may not be private.

I know that I've said this before. I don't know at this point. So for now....this may/may not be the last post for quite sometime.

I just love...

phone calls that go something like this.... NOT!!!

ME: Hello
Caller: is this James?
ME: Uh, NO...it's Gala
Caller: damn it. (click)



The number wasn't blocked. So I attempted to 'look it up' on the reverse look up online. Only to find out it is a 'unpublished number'.

What I know is....the caller called back.

Same thing happened. I answered. Said the same thing. Caller hung up again.

Call me again and hang up Cor and I might go a lil' postal on your a_! Because this momma is tired, worked 1.5 hrs of OT because people can't drive in 2 inches of snow and so I had to drive LONGER and listen to people beotch bc I was late, or didn't show up, or whoever frign cares.... So call again....just try it. Because NOW that I've heard your voice a few times...I know it is you. Haven't heard it in a few years.....and I'm in no mental space to deal w/shit! just sayin..

Today is...

...just as Diana stated to me in an reply and email - a new day.

Life isn't magically better. Is it ever?  It is a new day. With below zero (almost) temps.

And somehow, just like I do every year and every time this lil whoa is me pity party of missing Cor comes along...I manage to get to the end of the rough patch. Not always very gracefully. Not always with love in my heart and actions. There is 1 specific person that I tend to call during the bad days like I had yesterday. I didn't call this person. Came close. Didn't. Not that I didn't need to. Just, I did not have it in me. I came close this morning. Why? Why waste this person time or mine? Because ultimately.....it is the same crap that I've dug through for awhile.  And I'm sure my therapist is glad to not hear from me on a day when I'm not scheduled to be there.

So...it is just another day!

Some days...

no matter how hard you try.....
no matter how prepared you are.....
no matter how long down the road POST disruption you are.....

There is just no preparing yourself for some of the unbelievable shitty thoughts, feelings, emotions, ect ect....that comes with truly missing your child. Or in my case...my son.

I can't even begin to share what the last few days has been like. Today, has been the tip of what I hope and pray is the iceberg. Because damn it all...I really can't afford for it not to be. Seriously.

I see where this all started a week or so before our Thanksgiving vacation to Utah and Las Vegas.

"Oh' look at this Charlie Brown Tree...how cute is that?"
"Oh' don't you think we should do something like that this year?"
"Well, we do have 2 kittens and a psycho 9 mo old LITTLE DOG puppy"

My dh liked the idea because....well he doesn't like putting the tree up. Hell, he never does it so I dont' know what the hell is his problem. Then it was the animals. Because if 2 kids weren't enough and if you can't adopt any more...you might as just create yourself a dang zoo....2 kittens, 2 dogs...anything else we need?

Then I had my friend tell me about "Upside Down Trees". They are awesome. They are expensive.

I can't just put the tree up on my own you see....because the friggn thing isn't even AT my house. It is in our storage shed. That is a HOLE other issue and post for my main blog. But the moral of that story is...I have no damn clue WHERE the storage unit is. Well, I do....but I don't. Like I couldn't find it because w/100 different units looking the same to me. Nope...not happening.

Anyway, we have ended up with a Charlie Brown Tree. The Red Bulb that came w/it. And 2 xtra ornaments.

My heart is really hurting. We've never not had a tree. I don't have the energy to fight it. My dh is not interested in putting it up, getting it for me, or any of that other crap. And putting up the tree is yet another reminder that we are no longer a family of 5...but a family of 4.

Last year we had Nia. And even though she came with her own bag of trials.....I loved that girl deeply...just as I love(d) Corry deeply.

Today is one of the SOME DAYS...you can't prepare for. Because no matter how prepared you think you are....you will never be! OR At least I'm not.

Struggling Mommas/Keepin' it Real

First and Foremost....

My heart literally breaks in half each and every time I read my fellow online/blogging friends struggles. Struggles with the system.. Struggles with their own family/friends/peers. Struggles with their children.

There are moments when I just can't read the posts as it is to close to home. It hurts to much. It brings back some painful memories that I'm not able to think about at that moment/day.

I wish I could tell those of you struggling...I had magical answers. There are NO magical answers.

Recently...as in yesterday....I read a blog post from a mother who wrote some pretty tough stuff about how she feels...about herself!!

This my love (I'm pretty certain you read my posts) is what R.A.D. will do to you. Take a 110% wonderful, loving, awesome momma and convince her that she sucks. That she is worthless. That she is meaningless.

Bullcrap!!

You are everything that you think you're not. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. It is tough. Damn do I ever believe you. Hell, it has been a few years since we've had Cor home and I STILL have moments/days/weeks where I am convinced I am STILL those things. Those things that were blogged about. Those things that MANY of us RADdy moms think/believe.

I'm not just speaking to 1 or 2 of you out there. I'm speaking to each and every mommy w/a child w/ANY sort of special needs...mild, moderate or severe.... whatever you are mommy out there.......

I'm speaking to myself. Because even still...as I said...I still struggle.

Will you do me a favor? Will you check out my previous posts about the ORLANDO get-a-way? And promise me that YOU will TAKE care of YOU and join us?

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Since I'm lazy...I'm combing a few posts all in one...

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Truth be told/Keepin' it Real...

It has been no secret (even though I don't really discuss it) that depression and I have been companions over the last several years. Over the last few months I've been doing better and better. I've made some pretty signficant gains over the last few months. I'm not saying everything has been all peaches and roses. Heck no. There are moments vs days of struggling.

There have been many moments of pure clarity. My sleep has been less interupted.

I've struggled with significant pain in my left side (which by all reports from my dr. and chiro is left over from 3 months of coughing after having pneumonia) and more recently pretty signifcant shoulder pain in both shoulders. Some days tolerable. Some days not so much (today has been one of those).

Each day I choose to Get Up Again....and Again.

On the days that I don't want to get up...again...and again....
It isn't because I'm wallowing in a depression....
but more because I physically don't feel well.

This is new territory for me. The good days haven't FAR outweighed the bad in a pretty long time. I let the grief over our disruption, loss of dreams for our family, loss of 'me as a mother and who I thought I would be...' take over.

It's been tough. And the longer I've felt better, not been on edge as to 'when' I would let the depression take over again...or IT would just creep in....the better I've felt.

I stopped telling 'our story' in regards to Cor. Sure I've blogged most of it. However, there are gaps. There are things I've not 'finished'. It has been several months since I've actually wrote about it....and part of it is because I just can't do it. I can't go there. I want to go there. I need to go there for 'me' in a theraputic aspect of life.....but I just phyically can't.

So for now....it is what it is....and there may/may not be any tidbits on here about our disruption and story.

All this to say....
I've found myself over and over the last 2-3 days struggling. And to be quite honest...it scares the shit out of me. Plain.cut.simple.dry. I know where I've been. I know that it is very unlikely to go back to that place. I called in sick to work on Sunday. For the first time in a quite a while...was purely because I couldn't get myself out of bed. My head hurt. My head hurt bc I didn't sleep for crap. I didn't sleep for crap because...as mentioned above...I've had many of the same thoughts and crap about myself as a 'mom, person, employee'...that were pure crap. I thought that I could fight it. That I could get rid of the headache, the grim outlook, the shit thoughts.....instead. Monday...by 5:45 when I got off work my head hurt so bad (from the negative thoughts about to burst my dang head) it was all I could do not to cry. Today....much of the same story. Just a different day. My day off. It's here. How flippen long I have no dang idea. Regardless, it just ticks me off. End of story.

Painful Reminders

Last Spring when I came across Diana's blog I knew I found a gem. As I have with most all of the blogs I read. This one was different though. I can't really say why...well I can. But I then it would just be wasting my (and your) time because anyone who gets RAD gets..

This morning Diana wrote about the Painful Reminders of her daily life. About going to the grocery store last night, taking showers, eating dinner....about D.A.I.L.Y L.I.F.E with a child with RAD. It was a painful reminder for me....of what my daily routine was like when Cor was home. My heart hurts for Diana. For her E.A.C.H of her children. Because EVERY SINGLE CHILD in her home, herself and her DH have that daily painful reminder. It sux. It really does. I wish I was able to scoop her up and love on her and tell all the things she already knows...BUT because of society....she (all RAD moms) forget. That she is an A.W.E.S.O.M.E. MOMMY.

Those painful reminders are hard to swallow some days. My heart hurts for every one of you out there. I've BTDT. I may not be currently doing it....but I know. Oh' how I know. And it truly stinks!!!


((((HUGS))))) to each and every one of you as you walk this life...the day in and day out of those painful reminders!!!