On Hope, Grieving, Hurting Parents, and maybe....more.

Not sure that I can/will accurately blog about what I really want to say.  However, I will give it a try. 

A few days ago I read a blog post that triggered a hot spot for me.  My initial response was to comment back.  To blog about it.  To say what I truly felt.  And then I decided not to.  "just keep your mouth shut..." and so I did.

I've not read the comments and honestly, I've not read any other blogs since reading this particular post.  It has just touched a sore spot w/me and I decided I needed to step back.  I've tried very hard in the last few weeks/months to step back as I get angry/mad about something.  "Is this about you? Why am I feeling as if this is a direct dig at me?  I did what I could with MY kid...." and on and on.  Trying to step back from what it was/is that sends me into that lil tail spin. 

So here goes it...my .02 cents.

I've spend a great deal of energy...angry at the entire situation at hand when it comes down to our adoption, disruption, years of in/out of treatment/respite, the damage done to my other children, ect ect....

At times...yes...I've been angry at my child.  Something that Deborah Hage and our local therapist told me over and over and over and over and over was.....This kid has the ability to heal.  He doesn't want to!  And this is something that I often discount. 

This will be semi short.  I can't accurately say what I want/need to say.   As I was sitting here writing this out, texting with Laurie and getting caught up on my google reader that I've not read since reading the original post that sent me in a tizzy....and prompted me to start writing this post.  I read a post by Corey.  I'm certain that just about anyone that reads my blog....reads Corey's.  So if you've not read her post she states what I'm thinking so much more eloquently.

I will wrap up with one more thought...when your child RAD or not...is hurting your other children.  In traumatic manner -- it is very hard to not be angry.  Even though I know the RAD/Mental illness part of my son did so much of the damage in my house.  I also know, that he purposefully hurt his brother.  When the child is able to turn it on/off at the drop of a hat and in the process....his newborn brother and toddler sister were hurt in the process.....yeah...it is really hard to not be angry.  It is really hard to not be angry that 5+ years later after we have disrupted we are still living the triangulation and bs on many levels.  We still get phone calls.  We still get bills.  It is really hard to not be angry....when the effects have been so life damaging and continue to wreak havoc on our lives.

Steve Holy - Love Don't Run lyrics

This is a very powerful song.

On so many different levels.

It is a very painful song.

On so many different levels.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

This evening this song appeared on a google reader blog that I follow.

I know this particular blogger probably has no clue that I lurk on her blog daily. I actually am in awe and love her love and faith. And I wish that for one second of the day I could have the strength and courage that this women has.

This song is so very powerful....this evening as I heard this song I thought of the young man that sent me a FB friend request this week. How I did leave him and my love did run.

And...and....and...we didn't get through it!

This song means so very much.....

on such very different levels.

Deep breathe in...
Deep breathe out...
Rinse.
Repeat.
Lather.

A Day of Nothing

That is exactly what I'm doing.
Not a darn thing.
Well, maybe unpack a dish here and there.
I was scheduled to work from 2-10pm on a rather bad night run.  My old one to be exact.  I have a PICC line and it itches and hurts from time to time and.....I just don't feel like leaving my house.
So I called in sick.  I have 2 FMLA applications on file.  One for the PICC line/infusion treatments and one for anxiety/depression.  And so....I decided to use today as a mental health day.

And...I'm doing just that.  Taking a day.  To CHILL and RELAX!!  On my new deck. In my new lounge chair.  In the sun.  With my laptop and my dogs.  Only thing better would be my dh sitting next to me.

Today...I will channel my anger into something positive. I will channel my grief into something posttive.

I can't promise that tmw will be a good day.
I can't pormise that tmw will be a bad day.

for today...I will just sit and relax.  And pray that I can keep  it this way.

Happy 17th Birthday

I can't even begin to blog about how incredible difficult each of Cor's birthdays is for me. We share our birthdays 1 day apart.  And prior to our disruption/TPR it was always a big deal. 

Cor and Mom - Celebrating our Birthdays 1999.  Mommy was VERY pregnant and Cor loved to hold Momma's BIG belly



The last week has been a whirlwind of activity and in the proccess of buying a house, moving to our new house, having a PICC line inserted and having it go not so good, and then a very tragic accident involving a friend of mine.  In the process of the whirlwind the reality of Cor's bd creeping up on me....didn't really sink in until I got my first "Happy Birthday G" phone call.  "Crap...it is my birthday....that means it is Cor's bd....crap!!" 
And....the pit in my stomach began.

Cor and his baby sis Ab...the day Ab came home from the hosptial.  Mommy was sleeping.  Grandma was having fun and taking MANY pictures while Mommy slept and Daddy worked.



Cor's 6th BD 2000

My heart hurts as I  think....

17 yrs old

Great Article on Recovering from a Loss

This evening I came across this blog link "Can you actually RECOVER from a Loss?"  It is very powerful.  The quote/comment at the beginning of the article = powerful.  To me anyway.  Hope you are able to find some sort of good out of it.

500 Miles....I'll get there...

~~s.l.o.w.l.y~

I'm trying, one step at a time...to keep moving.
To not give in.
To keep my head above the water.
And in those moments where I'm at home and my anxiety gets to be to much, I resort to Nia's old bedroom. Step up on my eliptical and start going.

Sometimes for 5 minutes. Sometimes for 10. Sometimes for 2. Sometimes for 60.
Whatever it takes.

Today has been a very bad day.
Work was good and bad. Lots and lots of triggers. Every young man Cor's age sends that 'negative self talk' spinning.

My parents called and met us for dinner. That was nice. A much needed break.
And so...in return I took a pic I found recently of Cor that I loved so much. (stuck it in my purse so my kids woudlnt' find it) yet it breaks my heart to see.

 And climbed up on my eliptical.

Trying to remember that I have bronchitis. Trying to remember that my chest REALLY hurts. But....I needed to work off some of whatever it was that is bothering me. And 5 miles and 90 minutes later....I got off for good. (I had gotten off a few times to cough up a lung, puke, rinse, repeat, get some pain meds).
And if I could physically keep going......I would. Because when I'm on that thing - the anger, the frustration, the "i'm gonna drown" thinking.....its gone. Well, not completely...but enough that I can tell the difference.

And so..at a snails pace...I MIGHT make it to 500 miles by next March.  Or the following March.  IDK. 

Happy Mother's Day

To all the trauma Momma's   i hope and pray you will be able to find slid sort of peace and love within this Mothers Day.

I know first hand how suck E this day can be.  It still is.  Last year was not to had.. this year i will be working.  Last year it didn't bother me to much to work.  However this yea Im struggling with it.  for many reasons that Im sure those who have lived in our shoes know.  For me this 'week' marks a significant trauma-versary that some years and harde than others.

As much as i know Im not alone...right now sure feels like it.  No amount of comments to that comment will change the fact that. ..in my everyday life..in my friendships and those that i speak to and email regularly....don't get it.  Over the last little bit I've felt this more and more.  And this weekend it is magnified even more.