I was invited to go to a baby shower this weekend.
I can't go because of a girl scouting commitment that I have for my daughter.
Even though I want to go it is best that I can't. Even though I am sooo incredible happy for the "Mother-to-Be"....something about it just stings...
I grew up, in church with this sweet lady. She is my age, single, and adopting a newborn baby....
I am soooo very happy for her and was soo elated when I saw her mom a few weeks ago and she told me. Yet, my heart really aches. The realization that I will not have any more children - birth or adopted stings!!
I know several people that are pregnant or adopting and I'm really struggling, all over again with those infertility 'issues'....
Thursday, May 28, 2009
ReDEFINEing Normal
In the days and weeks after Cor's first hospitalization into the psychiatric hospital, I wondered if life as I knew it, before adopting a child with severe mental illness would ever be the same. The days turned into weeks. The weeks turned into months. The months have since turned into years. I am still wondering what my life was like before this....
Many days and hours were spent redefineing what/who our family was. It was a journey that I didn't not set out for. Believing was not about seeing. Faith was not about reaching. Flying was not about wings. It was about believing that this was my life. It was about redefineing what my faith was based on. It was about bandaging the wings that I had, savoring what was left and learning to fly with those battered wings, again and again...
In the months and years since our family went from a family of 5 to 4 and in the light of the severe emotional toll it took on myself and marriage it seemed to redefine us and be the only thing on my heart and mind so many days from the moment I woke and until the moment I closed my eyes.
Some days the pain was so (is still) so all consuming and intense it was all I could do to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, make myself presentable and be the mom that my two children at home still need(ed). There have been many days where I couldn't imagine that the pain and sorrow would ever become less than it was at that moment. That I would ever be able to feel normal ever.again. There was a part of me that finding thestrength to press on and redefine what normal was, would be forgetting about what normal was as a family of 5. By redefineing what normal is supposed to be would be saying 'it is okay to live without him in our home' and to me that isn't okay.
As the days, months, and years have passed, so has the fading memory of that 5th person who used to share our home. A few years ago as we ventured into adding another member to our family, our dreams were once again shattered. Truth betold, we are no closer today, than we were in May 2007 to adding a 6th (or 5th depending upon how you look at it) to our family. Redefineing the thought that I am and always will only be mom to 2 children.just.plain.sucks.
It has been nearly 3 years since the finalization of our tpr. It has been 3 years since I heard his voice. It has been 3 long, agonizing years. Truth is, many days are normal. Truth is, many days are heart wrenching. Truth is, today....yesterday.....I am pissed that we ended up having to redefine life as we knew it...
.....and truth is...today I think that just.plain.sucks!!
Many days and hours were spent redefineing what/who our family was. It was a journey that I didn't not set out for. Believing was not about seeing. Faith was not about reaching. Flying was not about wings. It was about believing that this was my life. It was about redefineing what my faith was based on. It was about bandaging the wings that I had, savoring what was left and learning to fly with those battered wings, again and again...
In the months and years since our family went from a family of 5 to 4 and in the light of the severe emotional toll it took on myself and marriage it seemed to redefine us and be the only thing on my heart and mind so many days from the moment I woke and until the moment I closed my eyes.
Some days the pain was so (is still) so all consuming and intense it was all I could do to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, make myself presentable and be the mom that my two children at home still need(ed). There have been many days where I couldn't imagine that the pain and sorrow would ever become less than it was at that moment. That I would ever be able to feel normal ever.again. There was a part of me that finding thestrength to press on and redefine what normal was, would be forgetting about what normal was as a family of 5. By redefineing what normal is supposed to be would be saying 'it is okay to live without him in our home' and to me that isn't okay.
As the days, months, and years have passed, so has the fading memory of that 5th person who used to share our home. A few years ago as we ventured into adding another member to our family, our dreams were once again shattered. Truth betold, we are no closer today, than we were in May 2007 to adding a 6th (or 5th depending upon how you look at it) to our family. Redefineing the thought that I am and always will only be mom to 2 children.just.plain.sucks.
It has been nearly 3 years since the finalization of our tpr. It has been 3 years since I heard his voice. It has been 3 long, agonizing years. Truth is, many days are normal. Truth is, many days are heart wrenching. Truth is, today....yesterday.....I am pissed that we ended up having to redefine life as we knew it...
.....and truth is...today I think that just.plain.sucks!!
Friday, May 15, 2009
Please Be Gentle
I read this poem on a blog today. Even though my loss is so much different than this sweet families loss....
In some ways...it is very much the same. I just thought this was a very neat poem and really touched my heart today. I guess, missing that blonde haired young man lately more than I care to admit...
In some ways...it is very much the same. I just thought this was a very neat poem and really touched my heart today. I guess, missing that blonde haired young man lately more than I care to admit...
Please Be Gentle
Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.
Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Compan
and sit with me in loving silence.
Hon
not
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.
Nurture m e through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
Forgi
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both
I need your support and understandi
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please
- By Jill B. Englar
Thursday, May 7, 2009
Thankful Thursday Perspective
During a time of bailouts, pointing fingers, econmic trials that we are going threw today, I want to list some things that I'm thankful for. Instead of all the negative things that are in my world, swirling in my head, my job, in everyday life, I would like to praise my Father in Heaven, because of who He is and what he has done. It is so easy to point plame and shout from the trials and tribulations and question our faith.
I need to bask in the undeniable security that I have a Father in Heaven, who loves me, who hears my prayers, and the steadfast knowledge that the circumstances have not and will not take Him by surprise.
Today, I just want to be.
Today, I just want to be mindful of the blessings that I have in my life.
I am thankful for my children, and their precious (sometimes) smiling faces that greet me each and every evening upon my arrival home from work.
I am thankful for my husband who tries so diligently to keep our home in order.
I am most thankful for today.. another breath, another joyous moment, another day of life that I don't deserve.
I am thankful for my parents, and all of the support they bring to our family.
I am thankful for the frogs that I heard driving down the road this morning. It was such a wonderful sound.
I am thankful that in the midst of chaos, if I allow him to, My Father in Heaven will hold my hand and my heart.
I am thankful that I have such wonderful and supportive friends, even though I sometimes drive them nuts and they do me.
I am thankful that I am alive and able to work.
I am thankful that for the experience we had to parent Corry. For without that experience, I would not have the heart and compassion I do today for children with special needs.
I am thankful for my Father in Heaven who never gives up on me, even when I have given up on myself (and Him).
I am thankful that I have the security of knowing that no matter what...my Father in Heaven will be there for me.
Take a moment to listen to this link: What a Wonderful World
Monday, May 4, 2009
ALMOST there...
Because I am taking online courses at the college, I can/am ending my classes earlier than other students. I believe that most students attend class until around the 19th of May.
Last week I finished my accounting class. Considering I failed nearly every single test, only receiving about a 50-60%, I will end the course with an 85% which is a B or C (not sure right off hand). You know what...I don't really care!! I passed. I did learn something. It helped that I received 100% on nearly every homework assignment. I have about 5 assignments that I could fix the errors on and I have the ability to retake the tests that I failed, with the highest grade being the one that is counted. At this very moment...I don't care. I passed. I passed with a rather 'ok' grade. I don't strive to get straight A's.
My typing class, it is a rather advanced class. My goals the instructor set were/are very high. I started the class the week after I punched the car in Feb. trying to 'not get hit'. (didn't work very well..I still got hit by the car). I have a scar on my left wrist from the so called therapy that the I endured. I stopped going to the therapy because I was sick and tired of leaving with blisters. plain.cut.simple.and.dry. According to the therapist - it should have got 100% better. As soon as the therapy stopped, the pain came back. Basically, I have pretty significant tendanitis in my wrist. Not sure what can/will help with it. My typing class required I type a MINIMUM of 200 PERFECT lines p/week. If I made a mistake in that sentence, I had to redo it. That was just to get a "D". To get an "A" for that week I had to type 280 lines or more. Every single week, with the exception of last week, I typed 280+ lines. I still got an A for last week's assignment because I emailed her and told her "I just can't do it anymore." I have 3 more days till the last assigment is due. I will end up with a B in the class I believe. Maybe an A. Who knows. It will see how lienent she is. I've not increased my words per minute by 10 words so it will be interesting to see what happens.
The last class I am taking. I will most likely end up with an A, maybe an AB.
Regardless, I'm DONE DONE DONE!!
I can't say I will return in the fall. My intentions on going to school this year were a few differnet reasons. Mainly to get general ed requirements so I could return to the University. Not going to happen. I will be honest and say - I am giving up on the thoughts that I had.
I can only hope and pray that I will be offered full-time between know and August....REALLY PRAYING!! Not only for the financial reason but a few others that I don't care to go into right now. Maybe another day, another post.
Last week I finished my accounting class. Considering I failed nearly every single test, only receiving about a 50-60%, I will end the course with an 85% which is a B or C (not sure right off hand). You know what...I don't really care!! I passed. I did learn something. It helped that I received 100% on nearly every homework assignment. I have about 5 assignments that I could fix the errors on and I have the ability to retake the tests that I failed, with the highest grade being the one that is counted. At this very moment...I don't care. I passed. I passed with a rather 'ok' grade. I don't strive to get straight A's.
My typing class, it is a rather advanced class. My goals the instructor set were/are very high. I started the class the week after I punched the car in Feb. trying to 'not get hit'. (didn't work very well..I still got hit by the car). I have a scar on my left wrist from the so called therapy that the I endured. I stopped going to the therapy because I was sick and tired of leaving with blisters. plain.cut.simple.and.dry. According to the therapist - it should have got 100% better. As soon as the therapy stopped, the pain came back. Basically, I have pretty significant tendanitis in my wrist. Not sure what can/will help with it. My typing class required I type a MINIMUM of 200 PERFECT lines p/week. If I made a mistake in that sentence, I had to redo it. That was just to get a "D". To get an "A" for that week I had to type 280 lines or more. Every single week, with the exception of last week, I typed 280+ lines. I still got an A for last week's assignment because I emailed her and told her "I just can't do it anymore." I have 3 more days till the last assigment is due. I will end up with a B in the class I believe. Maybe an A. Who knows. It will see how lienent she is. I've not increased my words per minute by 10 words so it will be interesting to see what happens.
The last class I am taking. I will most likely end up with an A, maybe an AB.
Regardless, I'm DONE DONE DONE!!
I can't say I will return in the fall. My intentions on going to school this year were a few differnet reasons. Mainly to get general ed requirements so I could return to the University. Not going to happen. I will be honest and say - I am giving up on the thoughts that I had.
I can only hope and pray that I will be offered full-time between know and August....REALLY PRAYING!! Not only for the financial reason but a few others that I don't care to go into right now. Maybe another day, another post.
Saturday, April 25, 2009
April 21, 1999
~~~we finalized our adoption for Corry.
April 22, 1999
~~~we were sealed for eternity in the Chicago LDS Temple.
April 23, 2008
~~~first "When Love was Not Enough" post.
This week we received a phone all (my dh did) from the new SW at the new residential facility where Corry was recently placed at. A few days later Cor called him.
This evening, we received a phone call from the phone number of the last placement. The person who initially contacted us back in January.
My daughter answered the call. The person on the other end hung up. I called the number back. The group home owner stated that his 2 yr old son was playing w/his phone and accidently called us. He apologized profusely. The proceeded to talk and talk....
J' feel quite abit of guilt from having the placement fail. He also has quite abit of anger from the damage that was done while Cor was in his group home (anger because he couldn't help him).
For the first time in 2 1/2 yrs - I spoke with someone who has had direct contact with this child. I have a ton of things swirling in my head.
One of the questions that I've had or worried about for several years was...
"Will we be the target of his anger? Will he seek revenge on our family? This child has sociopath thinking and behaviors (no joke folks) and this has been forever on the forefront of my mind"
I asked J' what he thought.
He said with an absolute resounding NO...he adores you, your dh, your children. He have genuine remorse for hurting you and your children. He hates the State and I can forsee him walking into a state facility and bearing arms and hurting someone or many people....
While that made me feel a bit of hope and relief, it also really makes me feel worse. Worse to know that the things I've thought are true...that this child has and will have the capibility of killing someone. He talks about it daily. He threatened this man and those around him over and over...
I know we did the right thing. I know that we did our best. I know that my heart still hurts and misses that lil blonde haired tiny lil 4 yr old who sat across from the judge that day 10 yrs ago and told her "THIS is my NEW mom and DAD and BABY (pointing to my belly). Everyone thought it was so cute that he emphasized "dad and baby" leaving me out....
If only I knew that day...
What I know now.
April 22, 1999
~~~we were sealed for eternity in the Chicago LDS Temple.
April 23, 2008
~~~first "When Love was Not Enough" post.
This week we received a phone all (my dh did) from the new SW at the new residential facility where Corry was recently placed at. A few days later Cor called him.
This evening, we received a phone call from the phone number of the last placement. The person who initially contacted us back in January.
My daughter answered the call. The person on the other end hung up. I called the number back. The group home owner stated that his 2 yr old son was playing w/his phone and accidently called us. He apologized profusely. The proceeded to talk and talk....
J' feel quite abit of guilt from having the placement fail. He also has quite abit of anger from the damage that was done while Cor was in his group home (anger because he couldn't help him).
For the first time in 2 1/2 yrs - I spoke with someone who has had direct contact with this child. I have a ton of things swirling in my head.
One of the questions that I've had or worried about for several years was...
"Will we be the target of his anger? Will he seek revenge on our family? This child has sociopath thinking and behaviors (no joke folks) and this has been forever on the forefront of my mind"
I asked J' what he thought.
He said with an absolute resounding NO...he adores you, your dh, your children. He have genuine remorse for hurting you and your children. He hates the State and I can forsee him walking into a state facility and bearing arms and hurting someone or many people....
While that made me feel a bit of hope and relief, it also really makes me feel worse. Worse to know that the things I've thought are true...that this child has and will have the capibility of killing someone. He talks about it daily. He threatened this man and those around him over and over...
I know we did the right thing. I know that we did our best. I know that my heart still hurts and misses that lil blonde haired tiny lil 4 yr old who sat across from the judge that day 10 yrs ago and told her "THIS is my NEW mom and DAD and BABY (pointing to my belly). Everyone thought it was so cute that he emphasized "dad and baby" leaving me out....
If only I knew that day...
What I know now.
Monday, April 20, 2009
Our Vacation - One Year Anniversary
The day we left on our vacation was the one year anniversary of the first post on this blog.
My intent was to 'tell our story'. The story of how our love wasn't quite enough, for one little boys, broken and tattered heart.
Somewhere over the last year, the blog took a different turn. There are days when the posts do talk 'tell our story'. Then there are days that 'that story hurts to much' and the rant that comes out of my fingers is what is fresh on my heart for that day.
Recently, I read an article (can't remember where...I think it was on the "Depression on My Mind" blog) about the 5 stages of grief. How they can/do all happen at such different times. Sometimes over and over. Sometimes at different times, sometimes all at the same time.
Our vacation was great. It was not long enough. Sure, many people say that. However, it truly wasn't. We flew in on the 8th. Drove for 2 1/2 hours and arrived on the 9th at 2:30am. That was "VERY EARLY" on Thursday...we left early on Monday.
Just plain cut simple and dry...NOT enough time to do everything, see everyone, love on everyone, relax and just be...when you haven't seen these people in SIXTEEN YEI have so much more to say..so much more in my brain....I just can't put it here,right now...
My intent was to 'tell our story'. The story of how our love wasn't quite enough, for one little boys, broken and tattered heart.
Somewhere over the last year, the blog took a different turn. There are days when the posts do talk 'tell our story'. Then there are days that 'that story hurts to much' and the rant that comes out of my fingers is what is fresh on my heart for that day.
Recently, I read an article (can't remember where...I think it was on the "Depression on My Mind" blog) about the 5 stages of grief. How they can/do all happen at such different times. Sometimes over and over. Sometimes at different times, sometimes all at the same time.
Our vacation was great. It was not long enough. Sure, many people say that. However, it truly wasn't. We flew in on the 8th. Drove for 2 1/2 hours and arrived on the 9th at 2:30am. That was "VERY EARLY" on Thursday...we left early on Monday.
Just plain cut simple and dry...NOT enough time to do everything, see everyone, love on everyone, relax and just be...when you haven't seen these people in SIXTEEN YEI have so much more to say..so much more in my brain....I just can't put it here,right now...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)