So much to say...

so little energy to do it!!

That is about where I'm at these days.

Cor's never really far from my thoughts and prayers.

Yet, I've had to push those thoughts under the surface more than I care to admit. Otherwise, more and more, as we get closer to the Holidays...I will be more of a mess than I already am.

So much to say.....just not today.

I replied

to the Blogfrog thread.

I did not link my blog.
I don't have the energy right now to fend stupid comments right now.

Note to Cindy

Cindy,
Thanks for your comment (please see previous post and the comment section).

I will post on Blogfrog to the hollier-than-now-pain-in-my-ass parents who have never been there, done that, still have the tear stains to prove it.

Just can't do it today.

Seriously, can't do it today. Maybe later tonight. Right now, though...I can't.

My heart hurts to friggin much. My tear stains are to deep.

There's a reason for it. One that I don't feel 100% comfortable placing on my blog right now. Maybe later when I can gather my thoughts and put them in a sensible manner.

Regardless, Corry, his momma, Ms. N and her momma...could use some prayers.

Humbling? Hell NO

This morning on the Today Show there was a segment re: a family who disrupted after 18 months of having their baby w/them.

I will not judge this family. I will in no way say "yes they did the right thing or no they did not". I have not walked in their shoes 100% and I can not say what was right for their situation.

What I can say is that THIS article by Natalie Morales was rather upsetting to me. S'rsly...there is nothing humbling about this experience. As a mother of 2 biological children, 1 adopted, and currently 1 foster child....there is not an ounce of what going threw a disruption is like that can be compared to comparing your "everyday parenting mother" to a "mother who disrupts".

There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for my son.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't fight back tears.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at our 5 yr old and think how heartbroken her mommy is.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my family and think "Damn things shouldn't have turned out this way."
There is not a day that goes by....

It wasn't humbling.
It was heartbreaking.

Just some thoughts 4 tonight

11 years ago this weekend...we received that 'phone call' that changed our lives forever.

11 years ago this weekend...we received that 'phone call' that made us parents to the cutest lil blonde hair'd 4 yr old ever...(of course I'm biased)

3 yrs ago last weekend...our parental rights were terminated to that little (well...not so little) blonde hair'd boy that changed my life forever....

Bitter Sweet.

Truly.

Bitter Sweet.

3 Years...

Several months ago Christine posted http://www.welcometomybrain.net/2009/01/when-adoption-must-disrupt.html on her blog. 

 

She spoke volumes to me that day.  She may/may not have know it.  But she did.  At a particularly tough time...it was the hug my heart needed.  There have been many days since that day in January...I have went back and re-read that post. 

 

Tonight, 3 yrs to the day after our disruption was finalized....

 

I went back and re-read the post!

 

Because today...my heart needed to read it.  To know that someone else gets it. 

 

So often in my life, as it is today...many people don't know about our disruption.  Earlier this week I had contact w/some women who didn't know we had another child.  As I started to mention Cor...it became painfully obvious that it wasn't something that A: could be understood and B: could be discussed...becaus of A.  Both of these 'incidents' occured with people who know we have 3 children at home. 

 

I'm often asked how many children I have. (My new work schedule has brought me in contact w/a TON of co-workers I've never had contact with before). 

 

Do I answer "2 biological and 1 foster"? 
Do I answer "3 children w/2 @ home and 1 foster daughter?"
Do I answer "I have 2 boys and 2 girls - 1 of the girls is a foster child?"

When a comment is made about the loss of a loved one.....

 

Do you answer "I've btdt..."
Do you just nod and know in your heart..."that this person could NEVER understand the extent of your heartache..."

 

These are all things that I still struggle with.  These are things that every single day go through my head...over...and...over...and..over!!

 

Then, like today...I am also reminded that not only 3 yrs ago today was I officially marked in the court system of the State of ___..I am no longer Cor's mom.  I am also reminded that 11 years ago...in a few short days..."I became a mom to this very same child..."

 

 

Challenges

This morning I saw this picture on the Livesay blog  (  http://livesayhaiti.blogspot.com/ ) .  For some reason it really struck a chord with me and seemed so fitting - for me, for specific family members, friends, ect ect....

 

How often have those who live near me, talk to me often, ect ect... heard me say "I knew this ____ would be hard...but I never knew how hard"  or for "how long"....

 

My morning kind of sums up 'how long, how bad, how frequent'.  I know that there is end insight.  Just like the Livesay's know that maybe tmw will be a better day.  As I left work this morning I truly had a defeated feeling that this is never going to get better.  What in the same hell have I got myself in to?  As I drove away from Metro - I saw a bus here and a bus there and the more city busses I saw the more I truly was able to remember the end is in sight...so much closer than I could have ever imagined.  

 

This picture holds true to so many situations in so many of our lives.  Things we knew would be tough.  But 2, 3, 4 years later we find ourselves thinking "wow...I didn't know...."

 

Anyway, that is my speil for the morning.  I'm off to take a nap...I hope! Before returning to work this afternoon.  Sometime in the next 30 min. I fully expect 3 little children (well they aren't that little anymore) to come barging in the door, full of life, full of noise, full of everything....and then my attempt to take a nap will end.  But, that is okay.

 

Because I knew having children would be a challenge. 

A CHALLENGE that I am soooo greatful I have been given the opportunity to have!!

 

Love, Gala