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I have no patience or empathy on stupid people.  Plain.cut.simple.dry!!!

Enough said.

These are the days....

and weeks....
and months......


and....and...and......


I just want to go to bed. 
Set the alarm back about 12-13 years.

and....and....and.......

take a do-over.

Walk the steps differently.
Believe differently.
Trust differently.

I would do it.

I'm going to bed.
Going to set my alarm ahead  so that I remember to wake up and go to work.
And pray that somehow....

tomorrow....
the next day.....
the next week....
the next month.....
or even the next life.....

There will be closure.

....PS: I have VERY little faith that will happen.  But hell it is worth the try, right?

Selah-All of me

And then....this evening as I laid in bed trying to make sense of "all that is me" and the doubt and weary heart that I've had for so long.....I turned on the radio. Life 102.5.....the DJ was speaking to me I'm guessing. Because before he played this song he said "my friends....those of you who are weary, have lost your way.....this is for you. Surrender all of your heart....(and more)..."

That would be me. Weary. Broken. Lost. Grief Stricken. Over. And. Over. Again.....fear and doubt definately plague my thoughts so often.

"You're Not Alone" (LDS)

Few days ago I needed to just get out of the house. And so I went for a drive. Lacking the IPod cord I needed I listened to my CD's.

This is what I heard....

Rocky Waves

Cocoa Beach, FL

I don't even know that I can truthfully blog about how incredible hurt I am right now....today being one of those days.

Hell, I don't even know when the tears will stop falling.

I've started this blog post over and over and over again over the last hour or so.


I guess looking at the photo header "You Are Not Alone" is what I need to do.  Becuase right now, in my marriage...in my home...in my life as a whole....I am very much alone.  And that knife that has been jabbed into my heart so many times over the last 12 years just got a bit deeper.  Twisted a bit more and a bit deeper.


Someone please tell me again...Why in the hell did I ever want to adopt?  Why did I ever agree to adopt? Why?  Seriously!  Because something that I truly thought was sooooo very much what the Lord wanted us to do...has turned out to be so damn horrific and painful.  And continues to be a mess on my marriage.



Cocoa Beach, FL - Seeking Shelter from the Rain

 While we were at Cocoa Beach on Friday it began to rain.  When we first arrived the sky was bright blue and beautiful.  The waves/water were just as beautiful.  Children and families everywhere.  Digging and building in the sand.

After being there for a little bit (less than an hour) it began to sprinkle.  The waves started getting bigger/rockier.

We sought shelter under the Pier (AKA: Restraunt).

There is beauty in the dark and dreariness under that pier.  Even though at moments the waves were (are) rocky and fierce....the beauty continues to shine on.

I'm trying to see the beauty that lies in the rocky waves of my heart today.  And not having much success.

Layers of Loss as told by Peace in Puzzles (and my .02 cents)

I'm quite certain if you read my blog you also read Peace in Puzzles.  Just in case you don't and/or you missed this awesome post called Layers of Loss.  You  need to stop what you are doing.  Take a deep breathe.  And move fwd and read this beautiful article.  Right now.  Then come back and read the rest of this post.

~~~~~~~~~~~~

Many times during the last 6-8 weeks prior to going to Orlando - I had to be talked down off the ledge and reminded that I WOULD needed to go.  Nothing horrible would happen. 

And I did.
And I had a great time.
And it didn't kill me. (I never believed that it would kill me. But you know...it might have)
And I didn't kill anyone else. (It wasn't really something I thought would happen. But you know....it might have)
And there were moments that I had to get up and walk away from the conversation in order to prevent myself from wanting to scream and/or kicking something/someone. 

Regardless of what our own individual opinions, thoughts, desires, circumstances, ect ect ect....every single mother that stepped foot on Orlando (actually Kissimmee) soil last week...was sooo veyr different than the other.  Yet, we were all soooooooooooooooo very much the same.