A Day of Nothing

That is exactly what I'm doing.
Not a darn thing.
Well, maybe unpack a dish here and there.
I was scheduled to work from 2-10pm on a rather bad night run.  My old one to be exact.  I have a PICC line and it itches and hurts from time to time and.....I just don't feel like leaving my house.
So I called in sick.  I have 2 FMLA applications on file.  One for the PICC line/infusion treatments and one for anxiety/depression.  And so....I decided to use today as a mental health day.

And...I'm doing just that.  Taking a day.  To CHILL and RELAX!!  On my new deck. In my new lounge chair.  In the sun.  With my laptop and my dogs.  Only thing better would be my dh sitting next to me.

Today...I will channel my anger into something positive. I will channel my grief into something posttive.

I can't promise that tmw will be a good day.
I can't pormise that tmw will be a bad day.

for today...I will just sit and relax.  And pray that I can keep  it this way.

Happy 17th Birthday

I can't even begin to blog about how incredible difficult each of Cor's birthdays is for me. We share our birthdays 1 day apart.  And prior to our disruption/TPR it was always a big deal. 

Cor and Mom - Celebrating our Birthdays 1999.  Mommy was VERY pregnant and Cor loved to hold Momma's BIG belly



The last week has been a whirlwind of activity and in the proccess of buying a house, moving to our new house, having a PICC line inserted and having it go not so good, and then a very tragic accident involving a friend of mine.  In the process of the whirlwind the reality of Cor's bd creeping up on me....didn't really sink in until I got my first "Happy Birthday G" phone call.  "Crap...it is my birthday....that means it is Cor's bd....crap!!" 
And....the pit in my stomach began.

Cor and his baby sis Ab...the day Ab came home from the hosptial.  Mommy was sleeping.  Grandma was having fun and taking MANY pictures while Mommy slept and Daddy worked.



Cor's 6th BD 2000

My heart hurts as I  think....

17 yrs old

Great Article on Recovering from a Loss

This evening I came across this blog link "Can you actually RECOVER from a Loss?"  It is very powerful.  The quote/comment at the beginning of the article = powerful.  To me anyway.  Hope you are able to find some sort of good out of it.

500 Miles....I'll get there...

~~s.l.o.w.l.y~

I'm trying, one step at a time...to keep moving.
To not give in.
To keep my head above the water.
And in those moments where I'm at home and my anxiety gets to be to much, I resort to Nia's old bedroom. Step up on my eliptical and start going.

Sometimes for 5 minutes. Sometimes for 10. Sometimes for 2. Sometimes for 60.
Whatever it takes.

Today has been a very bad day.
Work was good and bad. Lots and lots of triggers. Every young man Cor's age sends that 'negative self talk' spinning.

My parents called and met us for dinner. That was nice. A much needed break.
And so...in return I took a pic I found recently of Cor that I loved so much. (stuck it in my purse so my kids woudlnt' find it) yet it breaks my heart to see.

 And climbed up on my eliptical.

Trying to remember that I have bronchitis. Trying to remember that my chest REALLY hurts. But....I needed to work off some of whatever it was that is bothering me. And 5 miles and 90 minutes later....I got off for good. (I had gotten off a few times to cough up a lung, puke, rinse, repeat, get some pain meds).
And if I could physically keep going......I would. Because when I'm on that thing - the anger, the frustration, the "i'm gonna drown" thinking.....its gone. Well, not completely...but enough that I can tell the difference.

And so..at a snails pace...I MIGHT make it to 500 miles by next March.  Or the following March.  IDK. 

Happy Mother's Day

To all the trauma Momma's   i hope and pray you will be able to find slid sort of peace and love within this Mothers Day.

I know first hand how suck E this day can be.  It still is.  Last year was not to had.. this year i will be working.  Last year it didn't bother me to much to work.  However this yea Im struggling with it.  for many reasons that Im sure those who have lived in our shoes know.  For me this 'week' marks a significant trauma-versary that some years and harde than others.

As much as i know Im not alone...right now sure feels like it.  No amount of comments to that comment will change the fact that. ..in my everyday life..in my friendships and those that i speak to and email regularly....don't get it.  Over the last little bit I've felt this more and more.  And this weekend it is magnified even more.

it wasn't supposed to be like this

..this was not in the plans.

remembering amidst the grief, pain and sorrow.
remembering that i really don't like the shoes i'm wearing.
remembering that these shoes hurt my feet.
remembering that healing from a heartache caused by R.A.D. sucks huge donkey balls.
remembering that............
...I miss you today....
just as I missed you yesterday....and every day.

Trauma-versary's suck!
12 years ago this past week.....marked the anniversary of our finalization.

Troll

Closed comments to annon users. 
I have no patience or empathy on stupid people.  Plain.cut.simple.dry!!!

Enough said.