When an Adoption Must Disrupt

When this post was orginally wrote a few years ago, I found great comfort in it.  It came at a time when I had received several comments and emails damning me for telling our story.  It isn't anyone else's story to tell.  It is mine and only mine.

There are many many things that never made it to this blog regarding our story.
And there are many many things that will never make it to this blog regarding our story.

When an Adoption Must Disrupt was wrote by Christine.

I hope the person who contacted me a few weeks ago regarding is able to find comfort and peace in whatever stage they may/may not be in. 

Our child will turn 18.  One month from today.  I've kept myself very very busy today.  Trying very hard not to think about.  Trying very hard not to grieve the loss.  It hasn't been very easy.  It has taken me several attempts of retreating to my bedroom/bathroom in order to compose myself.

There is absolutely NO way around making disruption easy. 

Ever. 

For anyone involved. 

Even though time passes, pain lessons, and children and families go on with their lives.....underneath all of the above lies grief and pain.

Previous Post on Disruption

Recently, someone commented asking about a post that I linked to re: adoption disruption. 

I have deleted several of the old posts from my blog for personal reasons. 

I don't believe I deleted that particular post.  I just can't find it. I will continue looking.  In the meantime, I've contacted Christine over at Welcome to My Brain asking her if she knew off hand what the name of the post was or where in her archives it would be.

Sorry to not be more helpful.

Give me some time. I will find it. 

Love, G

Holidays Came...

and went with muchy more ease than in years past.

I still struggled.  However, not nearly as much as I have in years past. 

The struggle was more in the realm of other abuse/trauma related to my own childhood.  Things that have never been address.  Clearly...the struggles have been my own personal issues than issues related to our disruption.  Issues related to my own health and the ability to not take any type of RX medication w/o having significant fall out.  I've blogged a great deal on my private depression related blog (this blog is annon.  It does not have private settings.  If you would like the link you need to contact me via comments or email for the address) about the up and mostly down battle that 2011 brought.  It was by far one of the worst years that I've had in the realm of depression and anxiety.  October/November proved to be the toughest of all.  And I came close to being hospitalized after having a medication reaction that set me close to the edge.   

Sure disruption sucks.
Sure  disruption stings.
Sure when I came across the last picture of all 3 kids taken together my gut sank a lil.  But that was it.  I was able to look at it for what it was.  The last picture of all 3 kids together.  Progress...in little pieces is always welcome.

Christmas evening my inlaws and good friend and their families were here.  There was a conversation being had by my friends husband and my SIL.  The conversation almost ended with me going postal.  Initially, I was very hurt.  A few days passed and I mentioned to my friend that her dh was completely clueless about what he was saying. He did not intent on hurting my feelings.  However, his comments were not acceptable at anytime in my home.  She felt horrible and apologized profusely.   My SIL is a bitch.  She knew what she was saying.  She has over and over in the past made hurtful comments about Cor and our disruption and the situation in general. 

This year the child turns 18 years....and somehow the thoughts and feelings surrounding this milestone will need to be dealt with.  I hope and pray that just like the last picture I came across of all 3 children. I will also be able to see it for what it is.  He turns 18...  Please remind me in June....would you?

Pics Like This...

....brighten and dampen my day all in one. 

Friendship

It's been one of those days.  A day that I've spoke to one of my best friends....several times.  The morning started w/a text from her that said "Can I call you?"  And then 3-4 hrs later me sending her a message "call me".  I think we've spoke 3x's today. 

It's been a day of frustration, illness, tears, disappointment.  A day that one of us can say to the other "if xyz has to happen...I'm gonna do xyz" and know that the other will understand, will not over-react, and totally feel the other's pain and frustration.

I've been in pain most of the last 24 hours.  Yet, being able to think and pray for my dear friend and the huge trial she is dealing with in her life right now has TOTALLY taken away from the fact that I'm still having horrible abdominal cramping and have a 101.3 temp and that my son has a 103.4 fever and pneumonia. 

Tonight, I'm extremely thankful for the universe working wonders and our paths passing!!

I think it is time to look at my calendar and make another road trip to Indiana!!  Because, I sure as hell am not waiting 79 more days to Orldando!!  That shit is just not gonna fly!!

Harder than it sounds

....to stay present.

Checked the Court Hearing Status for Cor online.

I know what he did was bad.
I know that he would have some significant consequences.
I know these things....

Yet, I was not prepared to read....

.....yet another court hearing that will be his arraignment. 

Can't really say what it does to my heart.

I can't seem to stop the flood of tears since reading this. 

This is the thing...

He is still a baby. 
He shouldn't have to spend Thanksgiving in jail.  (I will venture to say he is in jail since 2 of his several charges are bail jumping.)

He shouldn't have to spend Christmas in jail.

Guilt and grief....full force.

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance

Letting go of fighting reality.

THIS is a VERY hard concept for me.  I will not deny it. I will not deny that I don't believe it 100%. I will not deny that I'm struggling with this concept on an hourly basis right now.  Not only in regards to our disruption and all that surrounds it.  But, with other aspects as well.