Holidays Came...

and went with muchy more ease than in years past.

I still struggled.  However, not nearly as much as I have in years past. 

The struggle was more in the realm of other abuse/trauma related to my own childhood.  Things that have never been address.  Clearly...the struggles have been my own personal issues than issues related to our disruption.  Issues related to my own health and the ability to not take any type of RX medication w/o having significant fall out.  I've blogged a great deal on my private depression related blog (this blog is annon.  It does not have private settings.  If you would like the link you need to contact me via comments or email for the address) about the up and mostly down battle that 2011 brought.  It was by far one of the worst years that I've had in the realm of depression and anxiety.  October/November proved to be the toughest of all.  And I came close to being hospitalized after having a medication reaction that set me close to the edge.   

Sure disruption sucks.
Sure  disruption stings.
Sure when I came across the last picture of all 3 kids taken together my gut sank a lil.  But that was it.  I was able to look at it for what it was.  The last picture of all 3 kids together.  Progress...in little pieces is always welcome.

Christmas evening my inlaws and good friend and their families were here.  There was a conversation being had by my friends husband and my SIL.  The conversation almost ended with me going postal.  Initially, I was very hurt.  A few days passed and I mentioned to my friend that her dh was completely clueless about what he was saying. He did not intent on hurting my feelings.  However, his comments were not acceptable at anytime in my home.  She felt horrible and apologized profusely.   My SIL is a bitch.  She knew what she was saying.  She has over and over in the past made hurtful comments about Cor and our disruption and the situation in general. 

This year the child turns 18 years....and somehow the thoughts and feelings surrounding this milestone will need to be dealt with.  I hope and pray that just like the last picture I came across of all 3 children. I will also be able to see it for what it is.  He turns 18...  Please remind me in June....would you?

I sure do...

love the attachment therapist that we saw w/Corry.

It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.

One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.

We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.

From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.

I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.

Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.

Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.

I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....

If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.

And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....

The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....

If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.

This Stinks!!

As I said in the beginning of writing this I was doing it for me...myself...and...I.



It is a way for me to write what our time was with Corry. The good and the bad. I feel like it is so much bad. I told someone today that "there were more good than bad" but that writing this seems like it was the opposite. Yet, if there were more good times than bad...then he would still be with us. What the heck? I don't get it.



If along the way someoen came across our story and we were able to touch one life. I was able to give another mom the justificatin that...she wasn't alone...than that would be great. I've received a few emails from people who came across our other blog and then this one and said "thank you". :) For that...I'm happy.



I'm finding that going back threw the details is very draining. Talking about it..is very draining.



Today I was able to "feel" first hand how talking about the situation, about what has happened, what it has/is doing to me in my life today can/does make me feel worse.



For those reading who actually care....let me give you an example.



My current therapist is going on maternity leave - any day. I've thought about just going on leave with her. Then think that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. Over the last 8 yrs I've had 3 therapist leave and now the 4th is going on leave. I've only seen her a few months. Just got to a point where I could talk about Cor w/her and feel comfortable. Today I met w/the person I will be seeing while she is gone. I kind of know this lady because I took a "Mindfullness" class over the last 8 weeks and she was one of two therapist who taught the class.

Anyway, I went in today feeling great. I had spent the 2 hours before going to the appt. working on a picture video for my grandma who is dying of alzheimer's. Prior to that I worked from 8-12 and had a great morning at work. I was able to get a ton of work done w/re-organizing the charts.



As this gal and I were talking about life and how thing swere going and where/what the deal is w/me at this point I just became more and moe overwhelmed. I came home and haven't been able to shake it since.



I'm missing Corry. I want to just hold him one more time. I want to be able to tell him how much my heart misses him. How very sorry I am that I failed him. I want...just one more day....just one more laugh...just one more everything.



And talking about Corry today w/J_ = didn't help. I wish I would have been able to sense at the time that I couldn't go there. That is the thing that is sooo frigging hard about this. This STINKS!!! I didn't want to terminate. I didn't file the TPR motion. I DIDN"T fight it because I had no more fight left in me. Did I do the right thing?



I know the facts.
I know that we did everything we could for Corry.
I know that we sought out the best of the best.

I know~~~~~~~~~~~



Today.... the "I knows...." just aren't good enough!!!!