Those are the 3 words that come to my mind when I think about the last 13 years of our life when it comes to Cor, the system, our experience, our family, the entire situation.
Just a few days ago, I almost said outloud to one of my sweet soul sisters (or txt bc we txt often) that I am/have been in a pretty good place when it comes to this entire situation.
I've felt a ton of peace when it comes to Cor and everything that has followed.
Until today.
This weekend my dh received 3 phone calls in 2 hours. Not one message was left. None. He will receive cluster calls from Cor during a 2-3 day time period. But often, not several in one day. DH didn't answer them. He didn't acknowledge it. I got worried. Three calls in 2 hours? Could something be wrong? Could he be ill?
I turned to FB and did some lurking. I know that his BM is friends on FB w/his foster mom. I figured out who his FM was bc I could see who his BM's friends were and well...when you only have a hand full it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out. Turns out, I was right smack on. I was also smack on that recent supervised visits with BM (per Cor telling my dh about a month ago in a phone conversation) would go sour. BM/FM are no loner friends on FB. Interesting.
Last night, my dh received 2 phone calls w/in minutes of each other from Cor. The 2nd call there was a message left. He refused to listen to it. Said he didn't care. I can't fault him for not talking to Cor. And doing so only when he feels like he can. He is pretty good about not answering calls when our children are awake or around. It is energy draining for him. And I accept and understand that. Cor has only left 1 message in the 2 years since we were 'located' by one of his group home owners. The last message wasn't a very nice one. And left both my dh and I in a bad spot. So I get why Dh didn't want to listen to it.
Today is my day off. We decided to go into town this morning after the kids were sent off to school. I knew he hadn't listened to the message. I still said "So, what did Corry want?" He said "oh, I forgot he called." He listened to the message.
It wasn't Cor. It was his FM. She was wanting to know if DH would give her some background on this kid. What kind of abuse and from whom he had been abused by. And if he had ever abused animals or other children in our home.
ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!
Oi!! We are always happy (or my dh is anyway...and I would be, too) to give any and all information we have on Cor. We love him. We've always loved him. We spent several years giving that chidl everything we had. We filed bankruptcy twice bc we literally spent every penny and then some trying to get him help. No amount of anything was helpful. If by chance, we can share a little bit of something to one of his caregivers now that will HELP THEM or PROTECT THEM or the children in their home OR Cor...then we will do it.
DH had a 30-45 min. phone conversation w/this lady.
Cor is in jail. Big person jail. She is giving him 1 more chance and that is ONLY bc he went to respite this weekend and didn't receive his medication and it isn't his fault he didn't receive his meds. True. But in all reality, not really. He attempted to hurt her. I believe he did hurt her. Dh didn't give me exact details and I was able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.
DH told FM lots and lots of stuff. As much as one can in a 30-45 min conversation. I was got out of the car when I knew I was about to loose my shit. James made some type of comment that he is always amazed at how highly Cor has held DH on a pedestal (true!!!). And FM said "OMG...I know. You can do and never have done any wrong in this boys eyes. He highly respects you and what you tell him. If you tell him he needs to shape his shit up and xyz...then for the next several days he will try very hard. Saying "I need to make my dad proud of me". She then proceeded to tell dh that he has told her that he was abused in our home. Which she hasn't believed. But he is adament and consistant about the abuse he endured in our home.
Fuck. Really?
This is what I hear and internalize in that comment.
The kid thinks DH can do no wrong and highly respects him. Well, who the hell else does that lead to have abused him? Me.
It is probably best that I not hear that from him. I might just end up abusing him. Except for the fact he is nearly a foot taller than I am. So that wouldn't go so well I'm sure.
I'm amazed that this seems to be the longest foster/treatment placement he has had. This lady knew nothing of his previous placements in psych hospital that led to RTC that led to being placed in theraputic home. She knew nothing about him hurting his siblings, nothing about ANYTHING.
Fuck. REALLY?
I'm pissed today.
I'm hurt today.
I'm angry today.
I really would love to just run the freeking SW, who is STILL invovled in his care....you know the SAME ONE for the last 10 years....run his ass over. Seriously, it is probably best we don't ever meet on the street. He never be a passenger of mine. I would SOOOO leave his ass in a rain storm. Better yet in a blizzard. Drive right past him...after I spit my gum out at him.
I know....I'm not very grown up about what I have to say or think or feel. I'm sure I sound like a whiney ass cry baby having a temper tantrum. Guess what? I really don't care. Because that is exactly what I am doing....having a huge freeking tantrum. And it is all I can do not to call the DCFS Social Worker and give him the riot act.
He failed this kid.
Again and again and again....
If I went to work and failed to do my job...the state would no longer allow me to work. If I hurt somoene, I would no longer be allowed to work. We both have state jobs....and this dumbass continues to just mess it up.
Our family was broken.
Our family was tattered.
Our family was shattered.
Our son was broken.
Our son was tattered.
Our son was shattered.
The system is broken.
The system is tattered.
The system is shattered.
Showing posts with label Reactive Attachment Disorder. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Reactive Attachment Disorder. Show all posts
Monday, September 12, 2011
Sunday, August 7, 2011
I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up if I Tried...
Every step of the way, I have often thought that there is no way I could make up even half of the bs that has surrounded our 'adoption story'.
You know the one where you and your spouse go through years of infertility. Have 4 specialist in 4 years tell you ...Ms _ you will never conceive naturallly.....and then you decide to look into adoption
Only to find out the cost is above and beyond your current ability so you let it sit on the back burner for awhile. Putting all your faith in the Lord and saying "In HIS time we will move forward. In HIS time we will become parents. In HIS time OUR CHILDREN will be brought to this earthly home of ours...."
Only to have the agency you orginally contacted and NEVER filled out any paperwork or even give them your info....yolu just inquired...to have them contact you and tell you that YOU were chosen by bio grandparents of a child that WOULD eventually be available for adoption....
Then not even a year later have that bio family contact you, in an emergency, and have us take the child for emergency respite.
ONLY to have that emergency placement become...permanent.
Only...only only only only only......
to have so many wrongs end up making a right.
ONLY to have so many rights....end up being WRONG!!
To have lived your life in such a Christian/Christ-like manner that you were certain this child was your child. And you believed with all your heart that the Lord had orchistrated a true miracle (which I still do believe) when you found out you were pregnant for your first biological child, only a few short weeks after you signed the intent to adopt paperwork. Having said ALL ALONG that you would NOT adopt or follow-thru with adopting should we get pregnant before this child was placed w/us permantly for adoption.
Only...only...only!!
Only to have so much that seemed so dang right. Go so VERY wrong.
I couldn't make this Sh*t up if I tried....
***you know the disruption sh*t.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh.
***you know the hooking up w/bio mom on FB and ever so often friend requests that you get.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh that go unanswered.
***you know the pulling into a McD's parking lot....over an hour from your home, on your way to do a photoshoot....ONLY to see this child...whom you have only seen a picture of on your states waiting child listing and his FB profile pic....to SEE him walking into McD's for breakfast (or lunch...could have been either bc it was right about that time.)
***you know the phone calls...the ones that happen as I'm responding to a blog comment..just seconds before beginning this post.
Ever so often....as in this last week....I say to myself many times a day...."i couldn't make this shit up if I tried" and a few other things that I will not go into on this blog.
You know the one where you and your spouse go through years of infertility. Have 4 specialist in 4 years tell you ...Ms _ you will never conceive naturallly.....and then you decide to look into adoption
Only to find out the cost is above and beyond your current ability so you let it sit on the back burner for awhile. Putting all your faith in the Lord and saying "In HIS time we will move forward. In HIS time we will become parents. In HIS time OUR CHILDREN will be brought to this earthly home of ours...."
Only to have the agency you orginally contacted and NEVER filled out any paperwork or even give them your info....yolu just inquired...to have them contact you and tell you that YOU were chosen by bio grandparents of a child that WOULD eventually be available for adoption....
Then not even a year later have that bio family contact you, in an emergency, and have us take the child for emergency respite.
ONLY to have that emergency placement become...permanent.
Only...only only only only only......
to have so many wrongs end up making a right.
ONLY to have so many rights....end up being WRONG!!
To have lived your life in such a Christian/Christ-like manner that you were certain this child was your child. And you believed with all your heart that the Lord had orchistrated a true miracle (which I still do believe) when you found out you were pregnant for your first biological child, only a few short weeks after you signed the intent to adopt paperwork. Having said ALL ALONG that you would NOT adopt or follow-thru with adopting should we get pregnant before this child was placed w/us permantly for adoption.
Only...only...only!!
Only to have so much that seemed so dang right. Go so VERY wrong.
I couldn't make this Sh*t up if I tried....
***you know the disruption sh*t.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh.
***you know the hooking up w/bio mom on FB and ever so often friend requests that you get.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh that go unanswered.
***you know the pulling into a McD's parking lot....over an hour from your home, on your way to do a photoshoot....ONLY to see this child...whom you have only seen a picture of on your states waiting child listing and his FB profile pic....to SEE him walking into McD's for breakfast (or lunch...could have been either bc it was right about that time.)
***you know the phone calls...the ones that happen as I'm responding to a blog comment..just seconds before beginning this post.
Ever so often....as in this last week....I say to myself many times a day...."i couldn't make this shit up if I tried" and a few other things that I will not go into on this blog.
Friday, May 21, 2010
I sure do...
love the attachment therapist that we saw w/Corry.
It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.
One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.
We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.
From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.
I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.
Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.
Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.
I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....
If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.
And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....
The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....
If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.
It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.
One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.
We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.
From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.
I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.
Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.
Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.
I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....
If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.
And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....
The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....
If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.
Monday, June 2, 2008
RAD vs PDD/Autism
I'm glad Beth posted a reply today in mentioning a child she was/is working with as an O.T.
I work in a children's OT clinic. We have many children who come threw the doors who have been given PDD, Aspergers, Austism spectrum disorder and other related dx. When in fact all they "really" have going on is some R.A.D. My child - was one of them.
He went threw so many different tests and evaluations I lost count. The thousands and thousands of dollars that were spent not only by my dh and I but our insurance and then the "medicaid" system....
When it comes down to it...
The DX was/is the same...
~~~Reactive Attachment Disorder~~~
Why is is so freakin' hard for psychologist and psychiatrists to "admit" that RAD is a TRUE disorder? RAD is listed in the DSM book as a "real" dx? So why is it sooo hard to acknowledge it?
It would make so much sense or would it?
It angers me to think back at the bull crap that was placed in my lap, the fingers pointed in my face, the excuse that "I did not love C enough".
Hmmm.....
The title of this blog is "When Love was Not Enough" for a reason.
My love was not enough for our son. Love can not fix the damage that was drilled into his brain and body. Love could not protect my 2 younger children.
There are days when I can honestly say and believe "Because I loved C enough....I let the system (as corrupt as it is) become his guardians... by doing this...he could receive the services that he so desperately needed and DESERVED".
We were told that C most likely had Fragile X. Then we were told he had "educational autism". Then it was ODD (which I do believe goes along with RAD). Then Bipolar (isn't that the "adult dx for RAD?)...
The list goes on and on.
C never received OT services. Sometimes I think that it might have been helpful. Then there are days that I think nope...it would have just been ONE MORE person...ONE MORE therapist...ONE MORE experience that he could manipulate.
Beth - if you are reading this...reply if you would like me to leave my email address and I will do so in a comment. (For a while we were contemplating adopting a little girl at COTP-because our religion doesn't 'mix' with them we weren't able to move fwd).
I work in a children's OT clinic. We have many children who come threw the doors who have been given PDD, Aspergers, Austism spectrum disorder and other related dx. When in fact all they "really" have going on is some R.A.D. My child - was one of them.
He went threw so many different tests and evaluations I lost count. The thousands and thousands of dollars that were spent not only by my dh and I but our insurance and then the "medicaid" system....
When it comes down to it...
The DX was/is the same...
~~~Reactive Attachment Disorder~~~
Why is is so freakin' hard for psychologist and psychiatrists to "admit" that RAD is a TRUE disorder? RAD is listed in the DSM book as a "real" dx? So why is it sooo hard to acknowledge it?
It would make so much sense or would it?
It angers me to think back at the bull crap that was placed in my lap, the fingers pointed in my face, the excuse that "I did not love C enough".
Hmmm.....
The title of this blog is "When Love was Not Enough" for a reason.
My love was not enough for our son. Love can not fix the damage that was drilled into his brain and body. Love could not protect my 2 younger children.
There are days when I can honestly say and believe "Because I loved C enough....I let the system (as corrupt as it is) become his guardians... by doing this...he could receive the services that he so desperately needed and DESERVED".
We were told that C most likely had Fragile X. Then we were told he had "educational autism". Then it was ODD (which I do believe goes along with RAD). Then Bipolar (isn't that the "adult dx for RAD?)...
The list goes on and on.
C never received OT services. Sometimes I think that it might have been helpful. Then there are days that I think nope...it would have just been ONE MORE person...ONE MORE therapist...ONE MORE experience that he could manipulate.
Beth - if you are reading this...reply if you would like me to leave my email address and I will do so in a comment. (For a while we were contemplating adopting a little girl at COTP-because our religion doesn't 'mix' with them we weren't able to move fwd).
Friday, May 2, 2008
Phone Call from Principal and Calls to the Police Dept.
I will never forget the morning I received this 'particular' phone call from the principal. The night before was absolute hell. The actual events are somewhat blocked from my memory. I do know it was cold and snowy.
We had a rule in our house (from the very beginning) that if you are going to scream and rage than you do it outside (or in the garage). Not in my house!! If you couldnt' keep an inside voice than you needed to go outside. Especially when there are sleeping babies.
This particular day C came home from school w/a cold. From the minute he walked in the door after school there was a tornado. The path of destruction this child went on that night was horrific. Hell, he was asleep by 7pm that night because he had done nothing but rage nonstop for 4 + hours. During that time I took him outside. As we did EVERY time. I called the cops. The officer that came gave him a "talking to". Sure...whatever works.
Next day I get phone call... I had been laying in bed crying because I was sooo emotionally and physcially drained. I dind' tknow what to do. I had called the asshat DCFS....no relief. No help. Mrs. T says she understood that C had a bad night the night before. He was sick. He was coughing. He went to the office 10 mi. after getting to school because he was "sick" when they talked to him about coming home from school he told them "Well, I'm sick because of my mom.." The principal talked to him more indepth. He was sick because "his mom made him sleep outside". Yep..>I sure as hell did....hmmm...10 degrees and 2 ft of snow. Dang. I was outraged when she told me this. She said to me "G, I know you didn't make him sleep outside. I know that x..y...and z.... didn't happen. I know he is making false accusations. He does it every day here at school. However, the accusations he is making today I can not let go. I have to call DCFS...." My heart sank. What about my babies.... She then says "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call them first and tell them what is going on. Demand to speak to someone. Demand a response. I am a mandated reporter and I have so many hours/days to report this. You call first. This way - they will know that you are aware of his antics. You are asking for help... I want to help your family. I want to help you protect your babies. " Thank you Lord!!
So I called....
Asshats took a message.
So I called later in the day.
Asshats took a message.
So I called the principal. She adviced me what to say/do.
So I called back 1o min. later and said "NO..>I will talk to a social worker immediately..."
I don't know if she ever called. I suspect she did. We never heard anything from asshats in re: to that particular complaint re: C.
The scheduled an appt. with me for a MONTH after I called them. This is not some BIG county. I'm sure if I ddn't call and the school called first they would have been down my throat like flies on $h!t. Instead they took their fancy dancy dumb @$$ time....
Dec. 30 is when I met w/them!! By this time I had called the 911 at least once a week for about a month or more. The same officer would come every time. He would give C the same lecture everytime. He even started to lecture me. I would just say he needed to contact D.CFS. That we had called them and go no where.
My appt...consisted of them giving me the name of someone for respite. Yep and we had to pay her. We had to transport this hellian 40 min. away, pay her $40 AND give her spending money and then go back to pick him up. He went twice. The 2nd time....was the beginning of a very long ending...
Next post... Psych. Hospitalization....
This post may be tmw. It may not be for a few days. All depends on how I'm doing. Read my STORY of OUR LIFE to read about what is going on right now with me. I'm scared. I'm mad. I'm having all kinds of emotions that are just completely overwhelming!!
We had a rule in our house (from the very beginning) that if you are going to scream and rage than you do it outside (or in the garage). Not in my house!! If you couldnt' keep an inside voice than you needed to go outside. Especially when there are sleeping babies.
This particular day C came home from school w/a cold. From the minute he walked in the door after school there was a tornado. The path of destruction this child went on that night was horrific. Hell, he was asleep by 7pm that night because he had done nothing but rage nonstop for 4 + hours. During that time I took him outside. As we did EVERY time. I called the cops. The officer that came gave him a "talking to". Sure...whatever works.
Next day I get phone call... I had been laying in bed crying because I was sooo emotionally and physcially drained. I dind' tknow what to do. I had called the asshat DCFS....no relief. No help. Mrs. T says she understood that C had a bad night the night before. He was sick. He was coughing. He went to the office 10 mi. after getting to school because he was "sick" when they talked to him about coming home from school he told them "Well, I'm sick because of my mom.." The principal talked to him more indepth. He was sick because "his mom made him sleep outside". Yep..>I sure as hell did....hmmm...10 degrees and 2 ft of snow. Dang. I was outraged when she told me this. She said to me "G, I know you didn't make him sleep outside. I know that x..y...and z.... didn't happen. I know he is making false accusations. He does it every day here at school. However, the accusations he is making today I can not let go. I have to call DCFS...." My heart sank. What about my babies.... She then says "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call them first and tell them what is going on. Demand to speak to someone. Demand a response. I am a mandated reporter and I have so many hours/days to report this. You call first. This way - they will know that you are aware of his antics. You are asking for help... I want to help your family. I want to help you protect your babies. " Thank you Lord!!
So I called....
Asshats took a message.
So I called later in the day.
Asshats took a message.
So I called the principal. She adviced me what to say/do.
So I called back 1o min. later and said "NO..>I will talk to a social worker immediately..."
I don't know if she ever called. I suspect she did. We never heard anything from asshats in re: to that particular complaint re: C.
The scheduled an appt. with me for a MONTH after I called them. This is not some BIG county. I'm sure if I ddn't call and the school called first they would have been down my throat like flies on $h!t. Instead they took their fancy dancy dumb @$$ time....
Dec. 30 is when I met w/them!! By this time I had called the 911 at least once a week for about a month or more. The same officer would come every time. He would give C the same lecture everytime. He even started to lecture me. I would just say he needed to contact D.CFS. That we had called them and go no where.
My appt...consisted of them giving me the name of someone for respite. Yep and we had to pay her. We had to transport this hellian 40 min. away, pay her $40 AND give her spending money and then go back to pick him up. He went twice. The 2nd time....was the beginning of a very long ending...
Next post... Psych. Hospitalization....
This post may be tmw. It may not be for a few days. All depends on how I'm doing. Read my STORY of OUR LIFE to read about what is going on right now with me. I'm scared. I'm mad. I'm having all kinds of emotions that are just completely overwhelming!!
Start of 2nd Grade
The school district decided it would be best not start the year with an IEP. Because my inlaws had llied to us. The reports we got from the school in Utah were conflicting - we went w/o IEP. We had a behaviour plan and permission to restrain and/or physically remove C from the classroom as needed.
With in a few short weeks of school starting he was receiving 100% of ALL the services that they could offer. At the first of several IEP and other meetings the principal said to me "I am not sure how you do this. My heart truly feels for you. Please know you have 100% of my support". She was one of VERY few people who didn't say "this is your fault..you need therapy...what did you do..blah blah blah". Thanks!! I really needed that.
We contacted the social services offices for "help". We did the "intake" and were told someone would be in contact. Sure they would. Asshats. (just so you know...as the reader...asshats is my common name of this agency).
Then we decided or I should say "I" decided...that I would start calling the police department. My husband worked an hour away. If I needed him home it would take him a MINIMUM of 90 min. to get home. My mom was about an hour away and several times she did come in an emergency as back up.
Ms. A was 3 yr old. She cried hysterically every single day that I left her at the christian preschool she ewas going to. I received calls weekly/daily from her teachers w/concerns. The Head Start teacher decided that she would start picking her up in the days she went there because she would scream until she vomitted and this would be "easier" for her.
There was lots of screaming in our house from 3:15pm - 10pm M-F and all weekend long. During the day when C was not home - Ms. A was content. Mr. B nursed and slept very well. He rarely cried. In the evenings -- both of my babies cried. Hell, I cried more days than not.
Something....somewhere...needs to give!!
With in a few short weeks of school starting he was receiving 100% of ALL the services that they could offer. At the first of several IEP and other meetings the principal said to me "I am not sure how you do this. My heart truly feels for you. Please know you have 100% of my support". She was one of VERY few people who didn't say "this is your fault..you need therapy...what did you do..blah blah blah". Thanks!! I really needed that.
We contacted the social services offices for "help". We did the "intake" and were told someone would be in contact. Sure they would. Asshats. (just so you know...as the reader...asshats is my common name of this agency).
Then we decided or I should say "I" decided...that I would start calling the police department. My husband worked an hour away. If I needed him home it would take him a MINIMUM of 90 min. to get home. My mom was about an hour away and several times she did come in an emergency as back up.
Ms. A was 3 yr old. She cried hysterically every single day that I left her at the christian preschool she ewas going to. I received calls weekly/daily from her teachers w/concerns. The Head Start teacher decided that she would start picking her up in the days she went there because she would scream until she vomitted and this would be "easier" for her.
There was lots of screaming in our house from 3:15pm - 10pm M-F and all weekend long. During the day when C was not home - Ms. A was content. Mr. B nursed and slept very well. He rarely cried. In the evenings -- both of my babies cried. Hell, I cried more days than not.
Something....somewhere...needs to give!!
More on "Our Story"...
Last that I posted in regards to "Our Story"...we were living in LV and Corry was in Utah w/my inlaws. We moved backk to WI because "I" missed my family. I was pregnant. I was homesick. Our marriage was falling apart.
So we moved back to WI. James started working at the UW Hospital 2-3 days after we moved back, we got our health insurance back right away, we lived w/my parents for a few months and started all over again...so to speak.
On our way back to WI we went by my inlaws to see Corry. While there I noticed some "odd" things in their browser of their computer. At Christmas I had noticed this. However, played it off as my "college age BIL". Even told my husband that his brother was having fun on his parents computer. We joked and that was it.
About 2 months later one evening I got a phone call from my MIL. Not the call you want to receive. Especially in an LDS Family. My MIL and SIL had discovered printed internet porn pictures in my FIL's computer desk. Actually, it wasn't "his" desk...it wsa the "family" desk.
The next few months were a wild roller coaster for my MIL, my son, my husband....
His father who had left his brother's wedding a year earlier because there was alcohalic beverages being served...
His father who had been a Branch President, Bishop, High Priest, baptized each of his 6 children, father to his 5 other siblings, grandfather to 5 grandchildren and the 3 on the way.... The same father who damned my husband for falling away from the gospel before serving his mission. The same man who in so many aspects of his life was the "Perfect Morman - LDS" man...was a farse!!
This was devastating to my husband. He still doesn't talk about it. What did happen is he completely lost what testimony he had....
It didn't just stop at the internet porn. When my FIL was 'only disfellowshiped' for his actions.."
He took it upon himself to write a letter to the stake presidency and the general authorities stating he knew his actions were cause for ex-communications. Not only was he into internet porn -he was gay.
WOW...
It didn't end there. Since he left my MIL (she wanted to try and work threw it) she was now a single parent to her grandson. James and I didn't like this idea. My FIL told us that 'we' needed to support my MIL because now she didn't have his income. She was caring for our son and now we needed to pay her an additional $1000 a month on top of what we were already paying them.
Bullshit!!
I blew a gasket. If they were both together and came to us and said "his needs are far extending out fiinancial means..blah blah blah..." we woul dhave considered it. But because he decides to come out of the closet and not be a responsible husband...NOPE...NOT GONNA do it!! You can be a man and support your wife of 35 yrs. The mother to your 6 children!!
So after much prayer we decided that it was in Corry's best interest to come back home. We had been told by them for the entire time he was with them that "Corry is doing great. He does well in school, ect ect." So in May after he was finished with school my mom got on a train and went to Utah to get Corry. James' job didn't allow for him to go. I was 28 weeks pregnant and told that I couldn't leave the state. So my mom went and brought him home.
He was sooooo glad to come home. We missed him so much. He was sooo glad to be with Abi.
So we start this journey on a new page...
Next post will be about "what our plan" was in order to "make things work out"....
So we moved back to WI. James started working at the UW Hospital 2-3 days after we moved back, we got our health insurance back right away, we lived w/my parents for a few months and started all over again...so to speak.
On our way back to WI we went by my inlaws to see Corry. While there I noticed some "odd" things in their browser of their computer. At Christmas I had noticed this. However, played it off as my "college age BIL". Even told my husband that his brother was having fun on his parents computer. We joked and that was it.
About 2 months later one evening I got a phone call from my MIL. Not the call you want to receive. Especially in an LDS Family. My MIL and SIL had discovered printed internet porn pictures in my FIL's computer desk. Actually, it wasn't "his" desk...it wsa the "family" desk.
The next few months were a wild roller coaster for my MIL, my son, my husband....
His father who had left his brother's wedding a year earlier because there was alcohalic beverages being served...
His father who had been a Branch President, Bishop, High Priest, baptized each of his 6 children, father to his 5 other siblings, grandfather to 5 grandchildren and the 3 on the way.... The same father who damned my husband for falling away from the gospel before serving his mission. The same man who in so many aspects of his life was the "Perfect Morman - LDS" man...was a farse!!
This was devastating to my husband. He still doesn't talk about it. What did happen is he completely lost what testimony he had....
It didn't just stop at the internet porn. When my FIL was 'only disfellowshiped' for his actions.."
He took it upon himself to write a letter to the stake presidency and the general authorities stating he knew his actions were cause for ex-communications. Not only was he into internet porn -he was gay.
WOW...
It didn't end there. Since he left my MIL (she wanted to try and work threw it) she was now a single parent to her grandson. James and I didn't like this idea. My FIL told us that 'we' needed to support my MIL because now she didn't have his income. She was caring for our son and now we needed to pay her an additional $1000 a month on top of what we were already paying them.
Bullshit!!
I blew a gasket. If they were both together and came to us and said "his needs are far extending out fiinancial means..blah blah blah..." we woul dhave considered it. But because he decides to come out of the closet and not be a responsible husband...NOPE...NOT GONNA do it!! You can be a man and support your wife of 35 yrs. The mother to your 6 children!!
So after much prayer we decided that it was in Corry's best interest to come back home. We had been told by them for the entire time he was with them that "Corry is doing great. He does well in school, ect ect." So in May after he was finished with school my mom got on a train and went to Utah to get Corry. James' job didn't allow for him to go. I was 28 weeks pregnant and told that I couldn't leave the state. So my mom went and brought him home.
He was sooooo glad to come home. We missed him so much. He was sooo glad to be with Abi.
So we start this journey on a new page...
Next post will be about "what our plan" was in order to "make things work out"....
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sibling Bonding
I want to write a bit about C and A's bond. I know I mentioned in a previous post that C had threatened to kill the baby after she was born. He did this daily. He knew he could upset me by saying it..therefore he continued to say it.
When Abi was born we were very vigilant of her. She was never left alone in a room w/C. She slept in our room. She was severely attached to her momma. From the time she was 3 months old until she was 16/18 months old - she woudl scream if ANYONE (even Grandma) would look at, hold, or even attempt to make eye contact w/her. She was "overly attached". I am sure it was because I/we - never left her outside of our sight - EVER!!
As I mentioned in previous post we moved into a home where we took care of 2 adults w/disabilities. This happened with A was about 3 months old (early November). Shortly before we moved one night C & A and I were laying on the floor.
As with our nightly routine - we would lay, laugh and try to jus thave fun (this is pre-RAD diagnosis, KAY foundation, therapy...) And C made some lil face at Abi and she laughed a belly laugh made me cut up in tears. She was not quite 2 months old at this point.
This became our routine. ONLY and I repeat ONLY C was able to get Abi to laugh like this. ONLY C was able to get the reaction out of this tiny lil thing that was sooo hysterical. He lived for this moment. Often, I woudl be nursing MsAbi who thought that my boob was her pacifer when Cor would come up and say something to her and she would cut up laughing.
She loved him unconditionally!! He loved her unconditionally!!
For the first time in his little life...he was attached to his baby sister. He cried and cried when she would be sick. He would become very over protective whenn we woud go to the doctor. When she got her first shots. OMgosh...lets jsut say I never took him w/me again because he was so irate w/the nurses for "hurting" his sister.
The bond between these two was very strong. For a very long time. Even up until the very end, right before our parental rights were terminated...that bond was still there.
I can bet that if you were to talk to him today about our family first things he would ask/tell you about his sister.
There were several times that C would be raging - throwing things, bitting me, trying to hurt me and somehow in the process Abwould get hurt by him. Each and every time he was very remorseful for hurting her and her only.
This was a posivitive thing. We felt very strongly that he could form a healthy attachment and were hopeful.
When Abi was born we were very vigilant of her. She was never left alone in a room w/C. She slept in our room. She was severely attached to her momma. From the time she was 3 months old until she was 16/18 months old - she woudl scream if ANYONE (even Grandma) would look at, hold, or even attempt to make eye contact w/her. She was "overly attached". I am sure it was because I/we - never left her outside of our sight - EVER!!
As I mentioned in previous post we moved into a home where we took care of 2 adults w/disabilities. This happened with A was about 3 months old (early November). Shortly before we moved one night C & A and I were laying on the floor.
As with our nightly routine - we would lay, laugh and try to jus thave fun (this is pre-RAD diagnosis, KAY foundation, therapy...) And C made some lil face at Abi and she laughed a belly laugh made me cut up in tears. She was not quite 2 months old at this point.
This became our routine. ONLY and I repeat ONLY C was able to get Abi to laugh like this. ONLY C was able to get the reaction out of this tiny lil thing that was sooo hysterical. He lived for this moment. Often, I woudl be nursing MsAbi who thought that my boob was her pacifer when Cor would come up and say something to her and she would cut up laughing.
She loved him unconditionally!! He loved her unconditionally!!
For the first time in his little life...he was attached to his baby sister. He cried and cried when she would be sick. He would become very over protective whenn we woud go to the doctor. When she got her first shots. OMgosh...lets jsut say I never took him w/me again because he was so irate w/the nurses for "hurting" his sister.
The bond between these two was very strong. For a very long time. Even up until the very end, right before our parental rights were terminated...that bond was still there.
I can bet that if you were to talk to him today about our family first things he would ask/tell you about his sister.
There were several times that C would be raging - throwing things, bitting me, trying to hurt me and somehow in the process Abwould get hurt by him. Each and every time he was very remorseful for hurting her and her only.
This was a posivitive thing. We felt very strongly that he could form a healthy attachment and were hopeful.
Attachment Therapy
As we began our attachment therapy....
Our life got better.
There was hope. We saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my gosh...I couldn't believe it.
We had 10 steps forward and 5 back...5 fwd...3 back. We were taking baby steps. But they were slowly but surely happening.
We were referred to a psychiatrist.
Life was not rosey by any means. But there was hope.
Our life got better.
There was hope. We saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my gosh...I couldn't believe it.
We had 10 steps forward and 5 back...5 fwd...3 back. We were taking baby steps. But they were slowly but surely happening.
We were referred to a psychiatrist.
Life was not rosey by any means. But there was hope.
Please Lord, Help Me!!!
Lord, please help me. Please help me "love my son more, please help me forgive him for being so defiant, please just let someone...anyone here me and listen to me..."
For weeks and months it seemed that I was pleading with the Lord to give me some sort of answer, some sort of break, just something - some shimmer of hope that things could get better.
Here I am w/a newborn baby and a 5 yr old. One child who was severely attached to my right boob and the other who wanted to cut the left boob off!! (sorry for the pun...but it was what I thought often...).
My husband didn't believe me. If he did that would mean he would have to acknowledge there was a problem.
My days were spent trying to figure out 'what was wrong' with my little boy. Surely, there would be an answer.
My mom always says "The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle...." Well, Lord..this was more than I could handle.
Then my answer came. By means of a flyer that was sent home w/C from school.
The next morning I called the number. I spoke to this woman and for the first time in a year - I realized that I was not alone in this battle. That I was not crazy. That I did love my son enough.
I couldn't get enough. Oh my gosh...I sat there and wrote every word the women on the other side of the phone said. Word for word... She knew my son...she really did...not personally she didn't know him. But she "knew" him...she "lived" with him...her own son. She had got help and was on the way to healing.
Immediatly she told me what she believed C had..."Reactive Attachment Disorder". She explained to me what it was. She explained the theory, the concept, every single bit of what she said made 100% sense.
I was not crazy or was I?
This lady and her sister had began a non-profit organization to help support children/parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and other mental health problems. She told me what the initial consult and so forth would cost. She told me what their organization had to offer me. She gave me hope.
For some reason...that paper sat untouched for a few days.
I knew that there was no way we could afford the initial evaluation fee or any of the other things they had to offer.
Few days later I receieved an intake packet. I filled it out. I mailed it back. Having faith that the Lord would provide.
My prayers were once again answered. The next day after I sent it back Cheri called me and asked me if I could come into her office and meet w/her. I wasn't able to because I was babysitting a little boy at the time and I dnd't have a car during the days when James was working.
She offered to come to my house and meet with me.
Again - there was hope. I couldn't get "enough" of what she was telling me. I immediately started doing yahoo searches. I made an appt w/our pediatrician. I went fwd and wouldn't take no for an answer.
At that time we were told by our pediatrician that "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was NOT WHAT OUR SON HAD and that people were quick to say this was the 'problem' for all children.
My prayers were dashed. Do I believe my pediatrician? Do I believe this woman who lived this nightmare and had a son who was healing? We continued to move fwd w/the KAY Foundation.
They did their evaluation and did not charge us. In return we (I) voluntered in their office and groups for kids. Thehy started working w/us and things seemed to get a little better.
They referred us to an Attachment Therapist. The only one in our area that has extensive experience working with adopted children.
It took us a while to make contact w/this therapist. Once we did...it was like the Heaven's had opened.
During this time period (We got the flyer in October of 99) and it was now spring of 00...
We had moved. We were live in caregivers for a couple who were developmentally disabled. (The woman was WAY R.A.D!!!!) . I was getting daily, weekly and even hourly phone calls from the school. I was going insane.
My son methodically "planned" outbursts at school. In kindergarten this child was suspended from school. WHAT? You are doing WHAT?" I yelled at the principal. I said "NO...I will be right there and WE will have a talk".
I demanded that he would NOT be home w/me. I demanded that he would NOT be suspended. He was 5 yrs old and he was NOT staying home with me.
The principal and I went round and round...
I won. C had ann inschool suspension WITH the principal. He followed him everywhere the entire day. He made it clear "this will not be fun for him...I hope you know that" HELLO dummy...I dont' think a child who did what he just did...should have FUN.
The next day he came home from his 'in school suspension' and I asked him how it went. His reply..."Mom, it was the best day of my life in school. I loved it. Every moment. I got all of my work done. I got more work done and Mr. _ had to go ask Mrs. _ for more work...I did really good".
Why did he do so good? I knew immediately....
There were no demands put upon him. He was not in a room with 20 other kids, he was able work at his own pace, do as he wanted when he wanted all day long....
We also found at that his IEP was not being followed at this new school. He was supposed to have a one on one aide...we found out he didnt'. Had he been supervised w/this 1-1 aide...the thiings he was doing wouldn't have happened. The school...had him an aide immediatly upon hearing form the KAY Foundation and myself that they were not incompliance w/the State laws re: IEP's.
For weeks and months it seemed that I was pleading with the Lord to give me some sort of answer, some sort of break, just something - some shimmer of hope that things could get better.
Here I am w/a newborn baby and a 5 yr old. One child who was severely attached to my right boob and the other who wanted to cut the left boob off!! (sorry for the pun...but it was what I thought often...).
My husband didn't believe me. If he did that would mean he would have to acknowledge there was a problem.
My days were spent trying to figure out 'what was wrong' with my little boy. Surely, there would be an answer.
My mom always says "The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle...." Well, Lord..this was more than I could handle.
Then my answer came. By means of a flyer that was sent home w/C from school.
The next morning I called the number. I spoke to this woman and for the first time in a year - I realized that I was not alone in this battle. That I was not crazy. That I did love my son enough.
I couldn't get enough. Oh my gosh...I sat there and wrote every word the women on the other side of the phone said. Word for word... She knew my son...she really did...not personally she didn't know him. But she "knew" him...she "lived" with him...her own son. She had got help and was on the way to healing.
Immediatly she told me what she believed C had..."Reactive Attachment Disorder". She explained to me what it was. She explained the theory, the concept, every single bit of what she said made 100% sense.
I was not crazy or was I?
This lady and her sister had began a non-profit organization to help support children/parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and other mental health problems. She told me what the initial consult and so forth would cost. She told me what their organization had to offer me. She gave me hope.
For some reason...that paper sat untouched for a few days.
I knew that there was no way we could afford the initial evaluation fee or any of the other things they had to offer.
Few days later I receieved an intake packet. I filled it out. I mailed it back. Having faith that the Lord would provide.
My prayers were once again answered. The next day after I sent it back Cheri called me and asked me if I could come into her office and meet w/her. I wasn't able to because I was babysitting a little boy at the time and I dnd't have a car during the days when James was working.
She offered to come to my house and meet with me.
Again - there was hope. I couldn't get "enough" of what she was telling me. I immediately started doing yahoo searches. I made an appt w/our pediatrician. I went fwd and wouldn't take no for an answer.
At that time we were told by our pediatrician that "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was NOT WHAT OUR SON HAD and that people were quick to say this was the 'problem' for all children.
My prayers were dashed. Do I believe my pediatrician? Do I believe this woman who lived this nightmare and had a son who was healing? We continued to move fwd w/the KAY Foundation.
They did their evaluation and did not charge us. In return we (I) voluntered in their office and groups for kids. Thehy started working w/us and things seemed to get a little better.
They referred us to an Attachment Therapist. The only one in our area that has extensive experience working with adopted children.
It took us a while to make contact w/this therapist. Once we did...it was like the Heaven's had opened.
During this time period (We got the flyer in October of 99) and it was now spring of 00...
We had moved. We were live in caregivers for a couple who were developmentally disabled. (The woman was WAY R.A.D!!!!) . I was getting daily, weekly and even hourly phone calls from the school. I was going insane.
My son methodically "planned" outbursts at school. In kindergarten this child was suspended from school. WHAT? You are doing WHAT?" I yelled at the principal. I said "NO...I will be right there and WE will have a talk".
I demanded that he would NOT be home w/me. I demanded that he would NOT be suspended. He was 5 yrs old and he was NOT staying home with me.
The principal and I went round and round...
I won. C had ann inschool suspension WITH the principal. He followed him everywhere the entire day. He made it clear "this will not be fun for him...I hope you know that" HELLO dummy...I dont' think a child who did what he just did...should have FUN.
The next day he came home from his 'in school suspension' and I asked him how it went. His reply..."Mom, it was the best day of my life in school. I loved it. Every moment. I got all of my work done. I got more work done and Mr. _ had to go ask Mrs. _ for more work...I did really good".
Why did he do so good? I knew immediately....
There were no demands put upon him. He was not in a room with 20 other kids, he was able work at his own pace, do as he wanted when he wanted all day long....
We also found at that his IEP was not being followed at this new school. He was supposed to have a one on one aide...we found out he didnt'. Had he been supervised w/this 1-1 aide...the thiings he was doing wouldn't have happened. The school...had him an aide immediatly upon hearing form the KAY Foundation and myself that they were not incompliance w/the State laws re: IEP's.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Tears on the First Day of Kindergarten
12 days after A was born C started kindergarten. We were all so excited. I was more than excited.
We walked the 2 blocks to school that day. Since I had a c-section I had not been moving around so well. It was the 12th day that I woke up w/no pain....I firmly believe it was my body saying "This is a day of jubilation". LOLOL
We waited for this day for a long time.
The kindergarten children were all dressed in their summer best. Some with tears running down streaming down their faces. Many of the mommy's and daddy's with tears streaming down their faces. We all waited in the playground area outside as instructed.
At the right time each child lined up in their classroom line as they were supposed to do each day...
And they all marched off to their first day of schools.
Moms and dads all crying.
This mom....was not crying. As I looked around at each and every one of these moms crying I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I not crying? Surely it was because I had not "birthed" this child. Surely there was something wrong with me. Surely, I was failing at motherhood....
I walked the 2 blocks home from that school. Tears filled my eyes. As I cried all the way home and most of that day....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
I cried because I wasn't crying like the other moms?
I was so thankful to finally have respite from this child that I saw that first day of school at glorious. I have said the same thing for 9 yrs on the first day of school...
"It is one of the best things that the US goverment offers the parents of this planet....SCHOOL"
We walked the 2 blocks to school that day. Since I had a c-section I had not been moving around so well. It was the 12th day that I woke up w/no pain....I firmly believe it was my body saying "This is a day of jubilation". LOLOL
We waited for this day for a long time.
The kindergarten children were all dressed in their summer best. Some with tears running down streaming down their faces. Many of the mommy's and daddy's with tears streaming down their faces. We all waited in the playground area outside as instructed.
At the right time each child lined up in their classroom line as they were supposed to do each day...
And they all marched off to their first day of schools.
Moms and dads all crying.
This mom....was not crying. As I looked around at each and every one of these moms crying I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I not crying? Surely it was because I had not "birthed" this child. Surely there was something wrong with me. Surely, I was failing at motherhood....
I walked the 2 blocks home from that school. Tears filled my eyes. As I cried all the way home and most of that day....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
I cried because I wasn't crying like the other moms?
I was so thankful to finally have respite from this child that I saw that first day of school at glorious. I have said the same thing for 9 yrs on the first day of school...
"It is one of the best things that the US goverment offers the parents of this planet....SCHOOL"
"I'm Going to Kill this Baby"
We finalized in April. From April to August was a bit of a blur.
I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.
My love....was not enough!!!!
During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".
I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!
Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".
Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.
Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).
We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.
Our baby is born....Next
I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.
My love....was not enough!!!!
During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".
I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!
Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".
Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.
Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).
We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.
Our baby is born....Next
After Finalization
After we finalized our adoption our sons behaviors and issues went from bad to worse.
We thought we struggled before. We had no clue what was about to hit us.
Something was not right. Something wasn't right from the very begining. I knew something wasn't right... I was told...you need to love him more, you need to give him some time. You need...you need...
The other issue at hand was that "I" was the "ONLY" person who spent hours upon hour every day with this little boy. I was the "ONLY" person who was with him from the moment he woke up. Until the moment he fell asleep. "I" was the "ONLY" person who was having these horrific behaviors directed to.
After we finalized we had an "Adoption" party. Very similiar to a birthday/baby shower. Only the "child" was not a newborn. He was 4 1/2 yrs old. We were so excited. We were so happy.
It was a Sunday morning and I had slept in. My little gem was so sweet. Every morning he would wake up, come up stairs to my room w/a sippy cup (left in the fridge) and a snack that was prepared. He would wake me up and we would lay in bed and watch tv. I spent a majority of my prenancy on and off of bedrest. This particular day C didn't come upstairs....
I went down to find him and he was playing with all his new toys. He had dressed himself in one of his sweet new outfits. I was so proud of him for being such a big boy.
The look was a look that I will never forget. (He had many 'looks'..and theyweren't good). I asked him "what was the problem?" He just kept saying "nothing". I was very sensative to smells and thought I was just over reacting to a "odd smell". I went and took a shower and when I came back downstairs I knew that odd' smell was not going away and it was pregnancy related.
What I found next nearly put me threw the roof. I still remember how horrified I was to find out that my 4 1/2 your little boy - crapped in the vanity bathroom (he had a bathroom in his bedroom). I was livid. I was really really livid.
If only I knew then what I knew now. I lost it. It was the first time I really really lost it. I did not touch him - in fear that if I spanked him (which was what he wanted and I knew that) Ii wouldn't stop. But I was livid.
Then I discovered urine in his room. Over the next few days/weeks I discovered more and more 'urine' in this child's room.
Why? What was I doing? I have given this child my life. I would lay down my life for him. And he was crapping and pissing in places that dogs/cats do?
What the heck?
When I called my mom that day she didn't believe me. Then she did and said "well, you knew it wouldn't be easy. You...You...You..."
So now it is my fault?
I didn't crap in the cupboard.
I didn't pee all over my toys.
My husband said the same thing..."you knew it wouldn't be easy. what were you doing that you didn't know he needed to go potty? What...You...What...You?"
I called LDS SS and was told "You finalized your adoption...there is nothing we can do to help you."
WHAT THE HECK
We thought we struggled before. We had no clue what was about to hit us.
Something was not right. Something wasn't right from the very begining. I knew something wasn't right... I was told...you need to love him more, you need to give him some time. You need...you need...
The other issue at hand was that "I" was the "ONLY" person who spent hours upon hour every day with this little boy. I was the "ONLY" person who was with him from the moment he woke up. Until the moment he fell asleep. "I" was the "ONLY" person who was having these horrific behaviors directed to.
After we finalized we had an "Adoption" party. Very similiar to a birthday/baby shower. Only the "child" was not a newborn. He was 4 1/2 yrs old. We were so excited. We were so happy.
It was a Sunday morning and I had slept in. My little gem was so sweet. Every morning he would wake up, come up stairs to my room w/a sippy cup (left in the fridge) and a snack that was prepared. He would wake me up and we would lay in bed and watch tv. I spent a majority of my prenancy on and off of bedrest. This particular day C didn't come upstairs....
I went down to find him and he was playing with all his new toys. He had dressed himself in one of his sweet new outfits. I was so proud of him for being such a big boy.
The look was a look that I will never forget. (He had many 'looks'..and theyweren't good). I asked him "what was the problem?" He just kept saying "nothing". I was very sensative to smells and thought I was just over reacting to a "odd smell". I went and took a shower and when I came back downstairs I knew that odd' smell was not going away and it was pregnancy related.
What I found next nearly put me threw the roof. I still remember how horrified I was to find out that my 4 1/2 your little boy - crapped in the vanity bathroom (he had a bathroom in his bedroom). I was livid. I was really really livid.
If only I knew then what I knew now. I lost it. It was the first time I really really lost it. I did not touch him - in fear that if I spanked him (which was what he wanted and I knew that) Ii wouldn't stop. But I was livid.
Then I discovered urine in his room. Over the next few days/weeks I discovered more and more 'urine' in this child's room.
Why? What was I doing? I have given this child my life. I would lay down my life for him. And he was crapping and pissing in places that dogs/cats do?
What the heck?
When I called my mom that day she didn't believe me. Then she did and said "well, you knew it wouldn't be easy. You...You...You..."
So now it is my fault?
I didn't crap in the cupboard.
I didn't pee all over my toys.
My husband said the same thing..."you knew it wouldn't be easy. what were you doing that you didn't know he needed to go potty? What...You...What...You?"
I called LDS SS and was told "You finalized your adoption...there is nothing we can do to help you."
WHAT THE HECK
WOW....This was just the beginning of really long roller coaster.
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Evaluation and Finalization
With in a few months it became apparent to us there were some things that just were not right. Everyone kept telling us we just needed to love him more, be consistant, he never had been disciplined before so he was fighting that aspect of our parenting, he just needed consistant love...
LOVE HIM MORE....
Wow was that ever a blow to our hearts. (At least this momma). We loved him more than life itself. We tried to pull our brains over the entire life that had become ours and enbrace it.
We contacted the adoption agency and asked for more info on birth mom. We slowly were 'told things' by the birth grandparents that were not matching what we had been told previously. We were finding out bits and pieces.
Soon after we started having some of these issues the agency decided to pay for an evaluation.
Basically in a nut shell we were told that the things that were going on with him were normal and to be expected...and we were needed to just give him more love...and because I was pregnant....blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortly after the evaluation we were told by the agency we were able to finalize our adoption early. The agency had a policy that all older child adoptions (C was 4 when placed w/us) could not finalize until 9 months or 1 yr after the child had been official place for adoption. (I can' not remember if it was 9 or 12 mnths. I thought it was 12..i dont' recall rightn ow). The State of WI has a law that you can finalize after 6 months.
We thought this was a blessing. We were sooo very excited. We were told by the social worker "because my pregnancy was not going so well, the baby and myself were considered very high risk and it was likely we would not be finalizing 'on time' if we waited they wanted us to be able to go fwd. By finalizing we would also be able to go to the Temple and be sealed as a family for eternity. (We are LDS).
This was the first mistake we made in this hole process.
We would have not finalized had we waited the original required amount of time per the agency regulations.
**As I stated in my last post this is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I know that "I" need to get this out. I need to write this for myself. I need to work past these thoughts and feelings. I just need to figure out how to do it w/o driving myself into a hole. Without making myself crazy over the what ifs, the would haves, could haves....
LOVE HIM MORE....
Wow was that ever a blow to our hearts. (At least this momma). We loved him more than life itself. We tried to pull our brains over the entire life that had become ours and enbrace it.
We contacted the adoption agency and asked for more info on birth mom. We slowly were 'told things' by the birth grandparents that were not matching what we had been told previously. We were finding out bits and pieces.
Soon after we started having some of these issues the agency decided to pay for an evaluation.
Basically in a nut shell we were told that the things that were going on with him were normal and to be expected...and we were needed to just give him more love...and because I was pregnant....blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortly after the evaluation we were told by the agency we were able to finalize our adoption early. The agency had a policy that all older child adoptions (C was 4 when placed w/us) could not finalize until 9 months or 1 yr after the child had been official place for adoption. (I can' not remember if it was 9 or 12 mnths. I thought it was 12..i dont' recall rightn ow). The State of WI has a law that you can finalize after 6 months.
We thought this was a blessing. We were sooo very excited. We were told by the social worker "because my pregnancy was not going so well, the baby and myself were considered very high risk and it was likely we would not be finalizing 'on time' if we waited they wanted us to be able to go fwd. By finalizing we would also be able to go to the Temple and be sealed as a family for eternity. (We are LDS).
This was the first mistake we made in this hole process.
We would have not finalized had we waited the original required amount of time per the agency regulations.
**As I stated in my last post this is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I know that "I" need to get this out. I need to write this for myself. I need to work past these thoughts and feelings. I just need to figure out how to do it w/o driving myself into a hole. Without making myself crazy over the what ifs, the would haves, could haves....
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Discussion on Attachment Disorder
Little did I know that the idiotic conversation that the SW would have with us on Attatchment Disorder would be what we would end up facing.
He said (I am not making this up) Are you familiar with attachment?
We said something in the lines "of how it was when the child bonds with the parents/caregivers".
He said - I can see by how C is responding to you that there are no issues with attachment. If you think there might be issues you can read this book...and told us what it was. I can't remember what it was. However, I know that when I looked into it later...it was NOT anything that would have been helpful or anything of the sort in regards to attachment.
That was our discussion/training on Attachment Disorder!!!
Since I'm on this topic and the agency. THis was the extent of our conversation in person with this agency. Not only did they NOT do placement visits in person. They were only at our home TWO TIMES EVER...Once was a few days after C came to live with us. He came one other time a few months later.
He said (I am not making this up) Are you familiar with attachment?
We said something in the lines "of how it was when the child bonds with the parents/caregivers".
He said - I can see by how C is responding to you that there are no issues with attachment. If you think there might be issues you can read this book...and told us what it was. I can't remember what it was. However, I know that when I looked into it later...it was NOT anything that would have been helpful or anything of the sort in regards to attachment.
That was our discussion/training on Attachment Disorder!!!
Since I'm on this topic and the agency. THis was the extent of our conversation in person with this agency. Not only did they NOT do placement visits in person. They were only at our home TWO TIMES EVER...Once was a few days after C came to live with us. He came one other time a few months later.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Always a First
There is always a first when it comes to posting on a blog, writing a letter and so forth.
I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.
I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!
You are not alone.
I was not alone.
This is something that I need to remember.
What is the purpose of this blog?
It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.
The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...
Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.
It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.
It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!
:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!
I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.
I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!
You are not alone.
I was not alone.
This is something that I need to remember.
What is the purpose of this blog?
It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.
The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...
Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.
It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.
It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!
:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!
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