I've mentioned this before on here (or maybe my other blog) the last 2 years around Cor's bd and then the anniv. of the placement and TPR of our adoption of Cor..my therapist told me that I needed to channel my anger into something positive.
I thought I was the crazy one seeing her. Yet, she came up with this crazy comment. She told me this several times. I would think about it and think there was no way.
Whenn that therapist left and I started seeing a collegue of hers - she said the same thing.
I've had this 'thought' in my head. I know what I want to do. My husband knows what I want to do. I have just needed to figure out how to do it (still trying to figure it out).
The last few days I've really been pondering this concept. Trying to figure out in my head how I can make this happen. Trying to figure out how I can make this happen. Yet, I haven't figured out.
I've been waiting to tell "bloggy" land what my thoughts are. No one has known until recently. I told my mom recently and well...that is part of the reason why i've not told anyone. Why I don't think I can 'do' what I really think/want to do. Yet, I know I can't let her shoot me down. If anything I need to fight harder to let her know that I will, I can, I want and I will....do it...
I have told my old boss at my job (I got a new boss due to some restructuring of positions)...she was very supportive. As the mother of 2 small adopted children, primary practice is working as an OT w/RAD-y children...she thought it was a great idea. I've told another one of the OT's and again...she thought it was a great idea and was able to give me some ideas on how to move fwd.
You can guess what it is if you want....
Maybe I'll reveal more later....if someone gets it right I'll let you know.
This hint...
It is a long haul. Not an easy path....
Showing posts with label RAD Parenting. Show all posts
Showing posts with label RAD Parenting. Show all posts
Sunday, June 29, 2008
Monday, June 2, 2008
RAD vs PDD/Autism
I'm glad Beth posted a reply today in mentioning a child she was/is working with as an O.T.
I work in a children's OT clinic. We have many children who come threw the doors who have been given PDD, Aspergers, Austism spectrum disorder and other related dx. When in fact all they "really" have going on is some R.A.D. My child - was one of them.
He went threw so many different tests and evaluations I lost count. The thousands and thousands of dollars that were spent not only by my dh and I but our insurance and then the "medicaid" system....
When it comes down to it...
The DX was/is the same...
~~~Reactive Attachment Disorder~~~
Why is is so freakin' hard for psychologist and psychiatrists to "admit" that RAD is a TRUE disorder? RAD is listed in the DSM book as a "real" dx? So why is it sooo hard to acknowledge it?
It would make so much sense or would it?
It angers me to think back at the bull crap that was placed in my lap, the fingers pointed in my face, the excuse that "I did not love C enough".
Hmmm.....
The title of this blog is "When Love was Not Enough" for a reason.
My love was not enough for our son. Love can not fix the damage that was drilled into his brain and body. Love could not protect my 2 younger children.
There are days when I can honestly say and believe "Because I loved C enough....I let the system (as corrupt as it is) become his guardians... by doing this...he could receive the services that he so desperately needed and DESERVED".
We were told that C most likely had Fragile X. Then we were told he had "educational autism". Then it was ODD (which I do believe goes along with RAD). Then Bipolar (isn't that the "adult dx for RAD?)...
The list goes on and on.
C never received OT services. Sometimes I think that it might have been helpful. Then there are days that I think nope...it would have just been ONE MORE person...ONE MORE therapist...ONE MORE experience that he could manipulate.
Beth - if you are reading this...reply if you would like me to leave my email address and I will do so in a comment. (For a while we were contemplating adopting a little girl at COTP-because our religion doesn't 'mix' with them we weren't able to move fwd).
I work in a children's OT clinic. We have many children who come threw the doors who have been given PDD, Aspergers, Austism spectrum disorder and other related dx. When in fact all they "really" have going on is some R.A.D. My child - was one of them.
He went threw so many different tests and evaluations I lost count. The thousands and thousands of dollars that were spent not only by my dh and I but our insurance and then the "medicaid" system....
When it comes down to it...
The DX was/is the same...
~~~Reactive Attachment Disorder~~~
Why is is so freakin' hard for psychologist and psychiatrists to "admit" that RAD is a TRUE disorder? RAD is listed in the DSM book as a "real" dx? So why is it sooo hard to acknowledge it?
It would make so much sense or would it?
It angers me to think back at the bull crap that was placed in my lap, the fingers pointed in my face, the excuse that "I did not love C enough".
Hmmm.....
The title of this blog is "When Love was Not Enough" for a reason.
My love was not enough for our son. Love can not fix the damage that was drilled into his brain and body. Love could not protect my 2 younger children.
There are days when I can honestly say and believe "Because I loved C enough....I let the system (as corrupt as it is) become his guardians... by doing this...he could receive the services that he so desperately needed and DESERVED".
We were told that C most likely had Fragile X. Then we were told he had "educational autism". Then it was ODD (which I do believe goes along with RAD). Then Bipolar (isn't that the "adult dx for RAD?)...
The list goes on and on.
C never received OT services. Sometimes I think that it might have been helpful. Then there are days that I think nope...it would have just been ONE MORE person...ONE MORE therapist...ONE MORE experience that he could manipulate.
Beth - if you are reading this...reply if you would like me to leave my email address and I will do so in a comment. (For a while we were contemplating adopting a little girl at COTP-because our religion doesn't 'mix' with them we weren't able to move fwd).
Friday, May 2, 2008
Phone Call from Principal and Calls to the Police Dept.
I will never forget the morning I received this 'particular' phone call from the principal. The night before was absolute hell. The actual events are somewhat blocked from my memory. I do know it was cold and snowy.
We had a rule in our house (from the very beginning) that if you are going to scream and rage than you do it outside (or in the garage). Not in my house!! If you couldnt' keep an inside voice than you needed to go outside. Especially when there are sleeping babies.
This particular day C came home from school w/a cold. From the minute he walked in the door after school there was a tornado. The path of destruction this child went on that night was horrific. Hell, he was asleep by 7pm that night because he had done nothing but rage nonstop for 4 + hours. During that time I took him outside. As we did EVERY time. I called the cops. The officer that came gave him a "talking to". Sure...whatever works.
Next day I get phone call... I had been laying in bed crying because I was sooo emotionally and physcially drained. I dind' tknow what to do. I had called the asshat DCFS....no relief. No help. Mrs. T says she understood that C had a bad night the night before. He was sick. He was coughing. He went to the office 10 mi. after getting to school because he was "sick" when they talked to him about coming home from school he told them "Well, I'm sick because of my mom.." The principal talked to him more indepth. He was sick because "his mom made him sleep outside". Yep..>I sure as hell did....hmmm...10 degrees and 2 ft of snow. Dang. I was outraged when she told me this. She said to me "G, I know you didn't make him sleep outside. I know that x..y...and z.... didn't happen. I know he is making false accusations. He does it every day here at school. However, the accusations he is making today I can not let go. I have to call DCFS...." My heart sank. What about my babies.... She then says "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call them first and tell them what is going on. Demand to speak to someone. Demand a response. I am a mandated reporter and I have so many hours/days to report this. You call first. This way - they will know that you are aware of his antics. You are asking for help... I want to help your family. I want to help you protect your babies. " Thank you Lord!!
So I called....
Asshats took a message.
So I called later in the day.
Asshats took a message.
So I called the principal. She adviced me what to say/do.
So I called back 1o min. later and said "NO..>I will talk to a social worker immediately..."
I don't know if she ever called. I suspect she did. We never heard anything from asshats in re: to that particular complaint re: C.
The scheduled an appt. with me for a MONTH after I called them. This is not some BIG county. I'm sure if I ddn't call and the school called first they would have been down my throat like flies on $h!t. Instead they took their fancy dancy dumb @$$ time....
Dec. 30 is when I met w/them!! By this time I had called the 911 at least once a week for about a month or more. The same officer would come every time. He would give C the same lecture everytime. He even started to lecture me. I would just say he needed to contact D.CFS. That we had called them and go no where.
My appt...consisted of them giving me the name of someone for respite. Yep and we had to pay her. We had to transport this hellian 40 min. away, pay her $40 AND give her spending money and then go back to pick him up. He went twice. The 2nd time....was the beginning of a very long ending...
Next post... Psych. Hospitalization....
This post may be tmw. It may not be for a few days. All depends on how I'm doing. Read my STORY of OUR LIFE to read about what is going on right now with me. I'm scared. I'm mad. I'm having all kinds of emotions that are just completely overwhelming!!
We had a rule in our house (from the very beginning) that if you are going to scream and rage than you do it outside (or in the garage). Not in my house!! If you couldnt' keep an inside voice than you needed to go outside. Especially when there are sleeping babies.
This particular day C came home from school w/a cold. From the minute he walked in the door after school there was a tornado. The path of destruction this child went on that night was horrific. Hell, he was asleep by 7pm that night because he had done nothing but rage nonstop for 4 + hours. During that time I took him outside. As we did EVERY time. I called the cops. The officer that came gave him a "talking to". Sure...whatever works.
Next day I get phone call... I had been laying in bed crying because I was sooo emotionally and physcially drained. I dind' tknow what to do. I had called the asshat DCFS....no relief. No help. Mrs. T says she understood that C had a bad night the night before. He was sick. He was coughing. He went to the office 10 mi. after getting to school because he was "sick" when they talked to him about coming home from school he told them "Well, I'm sick because of my mom.." The principal talked to him more indepth. He was sick because "his mom made him sleep outside". Yep..>I sure as hell did....hmmm...10 degrees and 2 ft of snow. Dang. I was outraged when she told me this. She said to me "G, I know you didn't make him sleep outside. I know that x..y...and z.... didn't happen. I know he is making false accusations. He does it every day here at school. However, the accusations he is making today I can not let go. I have to call DCFS...." My heart sank. What about my babies.... She then says "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call them first and tell them what is going on. Demand to speak to someone. Demand a response. I am a mandated reporter and I have so many hours/days to report this. You call first. This way - they will know that you are aware of his antics. You are asking for help... I want to help your family. I want to help you protect your babies. " Thank you Lord!!
So I called....
Asshats took a message.
So I called later in the day.
Asshats took a message.
So I called the principal. She adviced me what to say/do.
So I called back 1o min. later and said "NO..>I will talk to a social worker immediately..."
I don't know if she ever called. I suspect she did. We never heard anything from asshats in re: to that particular complaint re: C.
The scheduled an appt. with me for a MONTH after I called them. This is not some BIG county. I'm sure if I ddn't call and the school called first they would have been down my throat like flies on $h!t. Instead they took their fancy dancy dumb @$$ time....
Dec. 30 is when I met w/them!! By this time I had called the 911 at least once a week for about a month or more. The same officer would come every time. He would give C the same lecture everytime. He even started to lecture me. I would just say he needed to contact D.CFS. That we had called them and go no where.
My appt...consisted of them giving me the name of someone for respite. Yep and we had to pay her. We had to transport this hellian 40 min. away, pay her $40 AND give her spending money and then go back to pick him up. He went twice. The 2nd time....was the beginning of a very long ending...
Next post... Psych. Hospitalization....
This post may be tmw. It may not be for a few days. All depends on how I'm doing. Read my STORY of OUR LIFE to read about what is going on right now with me. I'm scared. I'm mad. I'm having all kinds of emotions that are just completely overwhelming!!
Start of 2nd Grade
The school district decided it would be best not start the year with an IEP. Because my inlaws had llied to us. The reports we got from the school in Utah were conflicting - we went w/o IEP. We had a behaviour plan and permission to restrain and/or physically remove C from the classroom as needed.
With in a few short weeks of school starting he was receiving 100% of ALL the services that they could offer. At the first of several IEP and other meetings the principal said to me "I am not sure how you do this. My heart truly feels for you. Please know you have 100% of my support". She was one of VERY few people who didn't say "this is your fault..you need therapy...what did you do..blah blah blah". Thanks!! I really needed that.
We contacted the social services offices for "help". We did the "intake" and were told someone would be in contact. Sure they would. Asshats. (just so you know...as the reader...asshats is my common name of this agency).
Then we decided or I should say "I" decided...that I would start calling the police department. My husband worked an hour away. If I needed him home it would take him a MINIMUM of 90 min. to get home. My mom was about an hour away and several times she did come in an emergency as back up.
Ms. A was 3 yr old. She cried hysterically every single day that I left her at the christian preschool she ewas going to. I received calls weekly/daily from her teachers w/concerns. The Head Start teacher decided that she would start picking her up in the days she went there because she would scream until she vomitted and this would be "easier" for her.
There was lots of screaming in our house from 3:15pm - 10pm M-F and all weekend long. During the day when C was not home - Ms. A was content. Mr. B nursed and slept very well. He rarely cried. In the evenings -- both of my babies cried. Hell, I cried more days than not.
Something....somewhere...needs to give!!
With in a few short weeks of school starting he was receiving 100% of ALL the services that they could offer. At the first of several IEP and other meetings the principal said to me "I am not sure how you do this. My heart truly feels for you. Please know you have 100% of my support". She was one of VERY few people who didn't say "this is your fault..you need therapy...what did you do..blah blah blah". Thanks!! I really needed that.
We contacted the social services offices for "help". We did the "intake" and were told someone would be in contact. Sure they would. Asshats. (just so you know...as the reader...asshats is my common name of this agency).
Then we decided or I should say "I" decided...that I would start calling the police department. My husband worked an hour away. If I needed him home it would take him a MINIMUM of 90 min. to get home. My mom was about an hour away and several times she did come in an emergency as back up.
Ms. A was 3 yr old. She cried hysterically every single day that I left her at the christian preschool she ewas going to. I received calls weekly/daily from her teachers w/concerns. The Head Start teacher decided that she would start picking her up in the days she went there because she would scream until she vomitted and this would be "easier" for her.
There was lots of screaming in our house from 3:15pm - 10pm M-F and all weekend long. During the day when C was not home - Ms. A was content. Mr. B nursed and slept very well. He rarely cried. In the evenings -- both of my babies cried. Hell, I cried more days than not.
Something....somewhere...needs to give!!
He's Home...What Next
We had somewhat of a plan in place before C came back home. We lived in a small town. Small school and so forth.
Two weeks after C came back home I woke up on morning having contractions. I had already been told by my OB under no circumstances should I labor. I had a planned c-section for Aug. 12th and that was going to be that. We lived an hour away from the hospital I needed to go to.
Well, needless to say that was the start of a very long summer!! My labor was stopped and I was sent home to be on bedrest. Lovely...I have a 2 1/2 yr old and 7 1/2 yr old, I'm 30 weeks pg, my husband works and hour + plus away....and i'm on bedrest.
That didn't go over very well.
C honeymooned w/us for a very short time. Then was back to his "normal" self. I was somewhat shocked. My inlaws were so convincing that C was doing great with them. I called the school to get reports, IEP and speak to the principal and teachers. Hmmm...we had been lied to beyond belief. This child was not doing well at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We decided that we needed to start calling the cops every time he would rage or hurt someone . If we didn't then we were setting ourselves up for problems. We got him in w/a psychiatrist who didn't think I was the problem. (My mom worked with him and he was fully aware of our situation) We also had him in therapy. Not the same therapist as before. I think (my mind is playing games w/me...I can't remember 100%) we had a few appts with her. But because she was in Madison and we were an hour away - pregnant. It just wasn't good match for us.
We lived through the summer. Our baby was born as planned at the VERY FIRST prenatal visit and blessed us with his sweet presence via c-section on Aug. 12th. He did not have down syndrome. He was 100% healthy. (Ultra sound detected DS features as did labwork) Our prayers were answered!!!
School started 2-3 weeks later. WOW....did things go backwards fromt here. They were going backwards. But not until school started.
Two weeks after C came back home I woke up on morning having contractions. I had already been told by my OB under no circumstances should I labor. I had a planned c-section for Aug. 12th and that was going to be that. We lived an hour away from the hospital I needed to go to.
Well, needless to say that was the start of a very long summer!! My labor was stopped and I was sent home to be on bedrest. Lovely...I have a 2 1/2 yr old and 7 1/2 yr old, I'm 30 weeks pg, my husband works and hour + plus away....and i'm on bedrest.
That didn't go over very well.
C honeymooned w/us for a very short time. Then was back to his "normal" self. I was somewhat shocked. My inlaws were so convincing that C was doing great with them. I called the school to get reports, IEP and speak to the principal and teachers. Hmmm...we had been lied to beyond belief. This child was not doing well at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
We decided that we needed to start calling the cops every time he would rage or hurt someone . If we didn't then we were setting ourselves up for problems. We got him in w/a psychiatrist who didn't think I was the problem. (My mom worked with him and he was fully aware of our situation) We also had him in therapy. Not the same therapist as before. I think (my mind is playing games w/me...I can't remember 100%) we had a few appts with her. But because she was in Madison and we were an hour away - pregnant. It just wasn't good match for us.
We lived through the summer. Our baby was born as planned at the VERY FIRST prenatal visit and blessed us with his sweet presence via c-section on Aug. 12th. He did not have down syndrome. He was 100% healthy. (Ultra sound detected DS features as did labwork) Our prayers were answered!!!
School started 2-3 weeks later. WOW....did things go backwards fromt here. They were going backwards. But not until school started.
More on "Our Story"...
Last that I posted in regards to "Our Story"...we were living in LV and Corry was in Utah w/my inlaws. We moved backk to WI because "I" missed my family. I was pregnant. I was homesick. Our marriage was falling apart.
So we moved back to WI. James started working at the UW Hospital 2-3 days after we moved back, we got our health insurance back right away, we lived w/my parents for a few months and started all over again...so to speak.
On our way back to WI we went by my inlaws to see Corry. While there I noticed some "odd" things in their browser of their computer. At Christmas I had noticed this. However, played it off as my "college age BIL". Even told my husband that his brother was having fun on his parents computer. We joked and that was it.
About 2 months later one evening I got a phone call from my MIL. Not the call you want to receive. Especially in an LDS Family. My MIL and SIL had discovered printed internet porn pictures in my FIL's computer desk. Actually, it wasn't "his" desk...it wsa the "family" desk.
The next few months were a wild roller coaster for my MIL, my son, my husband....
His father who had left his brother's wedding a year earlier because there was alcohalic beverages being served...
His father who had been a Branch President, Bishop, High Priest, baptized each of his 6 children, father to his 5 other siblings, grandfather to 5 grandchildren and the 3 on the way.... The same father who damned my husband for falling away from the gospel before serving his mission. The same man who in so many aspects of his life was the "Perfect Morman - LDS" man...was a farse!!
This was devastating to my husband. He still doesn't talk about it. What did happen is he completely lost what testimony he had....
It didn't just stop at the internet porn. When my FIL was 'only disfellowshiped' for his actions.."
He took it upon himself to write a letter to the stake presidency and the general authorities stating he knew his actions were cause for ex-communications. Not only was he into internet porn -he was gay.
WOW...
It didn't end there. Since he left my MIL (she wanted to try and work threw it) she was now a single parent to her grandson. James and I didn't like this idea. My FIL told us that 'we' needed to support my MIL because now she didn't have his income. She was caring for our son and now we needed to pay her an additional $1000 a month on top of what we were already paying them.
Bullshit!!
I blew a gasket. If they were both together and came to us and said "his needs are far extending out fiinancial means..blah blah blah..." we woul dhave considered it. But because he decides to come out of the closet and not be a responsible husband...NOPE...NOT GONNA do it!! You can be a man and support your wife of 35 yrs. The mother to your 6 children!!
So after much prayer we decided that it was in Corry's best interest to come back home. We had been told by them for the entire time he was with them that "Corry is doing great. He does well in school, ect ect." So in May after he was finished with school my mom got on a train and went to Utah to get Corry. James' job didn't allow for him to go. I was 28 weeks pregnant and told that I couldn't leave the state. So my mom went and brought him home.
He was sooooo glad to come home. We missed him so much. He was sooo glad to be with Abi.
So we start this journey on a new page...
Next post will be about "what our plan" was in order to "make things work out"....
So we moved back to WI. James started working at the UW Hospital 2-3 days after we moved back, we got our health insurance back right away, we lived w/my parents for a few months and started all over again...so to speak.
On our way back to WI we went by my inlaws to see Corry. While there I noticed some "odd" things in their browser of their computer. At Christmas I had noticed this. However, played it off as my "college age BIL". Even told my husband that his brother was having fun on his parents computer. We joked and that was it.
About 2 months later one evening I got a phone call from my MIL. Not the call you want to receive. Especially in an LDS Family. My MIL and SIL had discovered printed internet porn pictures in my FIL's computer desk. Actually, it wasn't "his" desk...it wsa the "family" desk.
The next few months were a wild roller coaster for my MIL, my son, my husband....
His father who had left his brother's wedding a year earlier because there was alcohalic beverages being served...
His father who had been a Branch President, Bishop, High Priest, baptized each of his 6 children, father to his 5 other siblings, grandfather to 5 grandchildren and the 3 on the way.... The same father who damned my husband for falling away from the gospel before serving his mission. The same man who in so many aspects of his life was the "Perfect Morman - LDS" man...was a farse!!
This was devastating to my husband. He still doesn't talk about it. What did happen is he completely lost what testimony he had....
It didn't just stop at the internet porn. When my FIL was 'only disfellowshiped' for his actions.."
He took it upon himself to write a letter to the stake presidency and the general authorities stating he knew his actions were cause for ex-communications. Not only was he into internet porn -he was gay.
WOW...
It didn't end there. Since he left my MIL (she wanted to try and work threw it) she was now a single parent to her grandson. James and I didn't like this idea. My FIL told us that 'we' needed to support my MIL because now she didn't have his income. She was caring for our son and now we needed to pay her an additional $1000 a month on top of what we were already paying them.
Bullshit!!
I blew a gasket. If they were both together and came to us and said "his needs are far extending out fiinancial means..blah blah blah..." we woul dhave considered it. But because he decides to come out of the closet and not be a responsible husband...NOPE...NOT GONNA do it!! You can be a man and support your wife of 35 yrs. The mother to your 6 children!!
So after much prayer we decided that it was in Corry's best interest to come back home. We had been told by them for the entire time he was with them that "Corry is doing great. He does well in school, ect ect." So in May after he was finished with school my mom got on a train and went to Utah to get Corry. James' job didn't allow for him to go. I was 28 weeks pregnant and told that I couldn't leave the state. So my mom went and brought him home.
He was sooooo glad to come home. We missed him so much. He was sooo glad to be with Abi.
So we start this journey on a new page...
Next post will be about "what our plan" was in order to "make things work out"....
Saturday, April 26, 2008
"Come Get Him....OR....
He will be admitted to the psych unit.
This was the email and then phone call we received from the treatment foster family.
After 2 months he had wore the reins out. The family who once talked to us about adopting him...now was saying he needed to go.
Our health insurance would not cover him out of state. There was no way he could be placed in the hospital. The SN Subsidy and SSDI had not been approved yet.
So James took off to go get him.
Things were no different. We had a 6 yr old who hated us and did everything possible to try and hurt us and his sister.
My MIL and FIL offered to let him come live with them. My inlaws moved from NY to UT. My FIL came via WI and picked C up and off they went. We agreed upon a set amount of $ a month. And from there we paid them to care for him. We couldn't do it. It was devastating. I had no clue what to do.
We decided to move to Las Vegas (from WI) since C was in UT. I have NEVER wanted to live in Utah...nor will I. I had a friend whose daughter came around the same time my FIL picked C up and she was our babysitter/nanny. They lived in San Jose, CA and were moving to LV also. SO that sounded like a good thing for us.
On Sept. 9, 2001 I flew to CA and spent the next month with my friend Misty. C was in UT. We went to LV and I looked for jobs and apartments.
The end of Oct '01 we packed up and moved to LV. Full of fear, faith and on a prayer.
We had a place to live. Our jobs were no longer there when we got there. On our way there we went threw Utah and saw C and James' parents.
They told us everything was wonderful. He was doing well in school. They had only "one" incident and everything else was great.
This was the email and then phone call we received from the treatment foster family.
After 2 months he had wore the reins out. The family who once talked to us about adopting him...now was saying he needed to go.
Our health insurance would not cover him out of state. There was no way he could be placed in the hospital. The SN Subsidy and SSDI had not been approved yet.
So James took off to go get him.
Things were no different. We had a 6 yr old who hated us and did everything possible to try and hurt us and his sister.
My MIL and FIL offered to let him come live with them. My inlaws moved from NY to UT. My FIL came via WI and picked C up and off they went. We agreed upon a set amount of $ a month. And from there we paid them to care for him. We couldn't do it. It was devastating. I had no clue what to do.
We decided to move to Las Vegas (from WI) since C was in UT. I have NEVER wanted to live in Utah...nor will I. I had a friend whose daughter came around the same time my FIL picked C up and she was our babysitter/nanny. They lived in San Jose, CA and were moving to LV also. SO that sounded like a good thing for us.
On Sept. 9, 2001 I flew to CA and spent the next month with my friend Misty. C was in UT. We went to LV and I looked for jobs and apartments.
The end of Oct '01 we packed up and moved to LV. Full of fear, faith and on a prayer.
We had a place to live. Our jobs were no longer there when we got there. On our way there we went threw Utah and saw C and James' parents.
They told us everything was wonderful. He was doing well in school. They had only "one" incident and everything else was great.
Wednesday, April 23, 2008
"It's Okay Mommy...No Cry Mommy...
I was devastated and releaved all at the same time.
CB and her dh talked to us about termination. She told us that from what our therapist had told her she didn't see that Cor could make it in our home ever. At that moment we "thought" about it. We didn't know. We were not experienced. We were in shock. We were torn and tattered.
Abi at this point didn't talk very much at all. She said 1 or 2 words max. She refused to go to anyone other than James or I. With the exception of 2 people. My friend Martha and the owner/founder of the foundation. The owner of the foundation also started a daycare center. MsAbi went to this daycare 5 days a week for 2-3 hs a day. She would SCREAM non stop unless she was with Cheri in her office. If anyone else came into her office...she would scream.
My mom could not hold her. Rarely could my mom or any family member make eye contact w/her. This started when she was 3 months old. Not the typical 10-12 mo. old stranger awareness..it was 3 months old.
Our pediatrician wanted to give us a referral to be evaluated because she didn't walk, she didn't crawl (until late) and didn't talk. She did sign basic signs and I was able to get what I needed from her and communicate. But no one else was able to. She was attached to my hip 24/7. I could not have a conversation w/a stranger or friend. I had just got to a point where I could make a therapy appt. for myself, take toys/snacks and she woudl be content. As long as Joan wouldn't look at or talk to her...she would be fine.
Many of my family and friends would joke and make fun of how spoiled she was. Told me I shouldn't keep nursing her. I needed to just 'let her cry it out'. I knew that there was a reason she was this way. In my heart...I knew. I knew it wasn't normal. And I just needed to protect my baby as much as I could from the dysfunction and huge stress she lived every day.
So...as we drive away from CB's home and leave our little boy...I'm sobbing. We weren't even at the end of the road and James and I were arguing...out of stress and grief...I'm sobbing some more...
"It's okay Mommy.....No Cry Mommy....It's Okay...Co-we...be ok?"
This little girl NEVER said more than 1-2 words at a time. She spoke a WHOLE sentence.
It will be okay...Yes MsAbi..it will be okay.
We have extended family that lives in WV which was not far from where we were at. My mom had called her Aunts and arranged for us to go visit them. We weren't going to stay over night w/them. We just wanted to be alone. I knew that MsAbi would freek out and so we just wanted to stop and visit.
We pull up and MsAbi starts jabbering away. Jabber that we could understand. We went in and visited. And this little girl was a different child... My Great Aunt and Uncle and my mom's cousins all said "Your mom said she wasn't very friendly....she didn't talk and wouldn't allow us to look at her or talk to her....She lied". We tried to tell them that this wasn't normal fo rher.
Then the next morning (we decided to stay overnight) we were eating breakfast. Tradition is that ALL of the kids and grandkids come home for home made biscuts and gravy...oh' it was so good.
What does Abi do...She eats. Gets down from her seat and starts CLEARING THE TABLE!! They all laughe and giggled that this lil 18 mo. old would "take u pate?" And then take it to her Great Great Aunty and put it in the sink.
My little girl came out of her shell.....
BOY did she EVER come out of her SHELL.....
With in a few days she was talking non stop.
With in a few days she was walking non stop.
With in a few days she had no fear of anyone.
With in a few days she participated in 1 yr old room of daycare..no more spending time w/the owner.
I will never forget my mom saying to me "I'm soooo sorry that I didn't completely believe you...I can tell by seeing this baby...that things were bad." Over the next little while I heard my mom 'support' us on a hole new level..
I missed my baby boy...
The respite was wonderful.....
The respite was stressful.....
My baby girl flourished like never before.
CB and her dh talked to us about termination. She told us that from what our therapist had told her she didn't see that Cor could make it in our home ever. At that moment we "thought" about it. We didn't know. We were not experienced. We were in shock. We were torn and tattered.
Abi at this point didn't talk very much at all. She said 1 or 2 words max. She refused to go to anyone other than James or I. With the exception of 2 people. My friend Martha and the owner/founder of the foundation. The owner of the foundation also started a daycare center. MsAbi went to this daycare 5 days a week for 2-3 hs a day. She would SCREAM non stop unless she was with Cheri in her office. If anyone else came into her office...she would scream.
My mom could not hold her. Rarely could my mom or any family member make eye contact w/her. This started when she was 3 months old. Not the typical 10-12 mo. old stranger awareness..it was 3 months old.
Our pediatrician wanted to give us a referral to be evaluated because she didn't walk, she didn't crawl (until late) and didn't talk. She did sign basic signs and I was able to get what I needed from her and communicate. But no one else was able to. She was attached to my hip 24/7. I could not have a conversation w/a stranger or friend. I had just got to a point where I could make a therapy appt. for myself, take toys/snacks and she woudl be content. As long as Joan wouldn't look at or talk to her...she would be fine.
Many of my family and friends would joke and make fun of how spoiled she was. Told me I shouldn't keep nursing her. I needed to just 'let her cry it out'. I knew that there was a reason she was this way. In my heart...I knew. I knew it wasn't normal. And I just needed to protect my baby as much as I could from the dysfunction and huge stress she lived every day.
So...as we drive away from CB's home and leave our little boy...I'm sobbing. We weren't even at the end of the road and James and I were arguing...out of stress and grief...I'm sobbing some more...
"It's okay Mommy.....No Cry Mommy....It's Okay...Co-we...be ok?"
This little girl NEVER said more than 1-2 words at a time. She spoke a WHOLE sentence.
It will be okay...Yes MsAbi..it will be okay.
We have extended family that lives in WV which was not far from where we were at. My mom had called her Aunts and arranged for us to go visit them. We weren't going to stay over night w/them. We just wanted to be alone. I knew that MsAbi would freek out and so we just wanted to stop and visit.
We pull up and MsAbi starts jabbering away. Jabber that we could understand. We went in and visited. And this little girl was a different child... My Great Aunt and Uncle and my mom's cousins all said "Your mom said she wasn't very friendly....she didn't talk and wouldn't allow us to look at her or talk to her....She lied". We tried to tell them that this wasn't normal fo rher.
Then the next morning (we decided to stay overnight) we were eating breakfast. Tradition is that ALL of the kids and grandkids come home for home made biscuts and gravy...oh' it was so good.
What does Abi do...She eats. Gets down from her seat and starts CLEARING THE TABLE!! They all laughe and giggled that this lil 18 mo. old would "take u pate?" And then take it to her Great Great Aunty and put it in the sink.
My little girl came out of her shell.....
BOY did she EVER come out of her SHELL.....
With in a few days she was talking non stop.
With in a few days she was walking non stop.
With in a few days she had no fear of anyone.
With in a few days she participated in 1 yr old room of daycare..no more spending time w/the owner.
I will never forget my mom saying to me "I'm soooo sorry that I didn't completely believe you...I can tell by seeing this baby...that things were bad." Over the next little while I heard my mom 'support' us on a hole new level..
I missed my baby boy...
The respite was wonderful.....
The respite was stressful.....
My baby girl flourished like never before.
Respite...Much Needed...Respite
We were desperate.
We were at the end of our rope.
We needed RESPITE...LONG TERM RESPITE and fast!!
Our attachment therapist had a very good friend in another state who specialized in doing theraputic treatment respite. They also had adopted several children who had their adoptions disrupted.
After several days of new bruises mysteriously appearing on Abi, after several days of attempts to hurt her things became very desperate. We received a call from our therapist to tell us that her friend had an opening and could take C. We needed to take him NOW!!! We didnt' have the $$. We didn't even know how we would get the money. I called the adoption agency/church social services. I spoke to the director. Told him what was going on. They were somewhat aware because we had applied for special needs adoption subsidy (that is another post)...and so they were aware things were bad.
At approx. noon on a Wednesday I received a call from CB...we needed to bring C to them immediately. They had other children on a list. They were going to take him over the otehrs because they knew our situation was bad. They knew that if he wasn't out of our home immediately that something would happen to A. She knw that our Psychiatrist wasn't supportive. She was the ONLY pdoc we could go to and thought that "I" was the problem. Our therapist had done all she could. And this was our last ditch effort.
The director of LDS/SS called our Stake President. He told met hat he wasn't going to tell him th he needed me to. I told him that there was no way that I could 'tell another person'. I was at a point where I couldn't talk about it anymore. So he explained the situation. Pres. B called me immediately and told me that he would meet me after my bus route that afternoon. And we would be able to get the funding needed for the treatment home.
We called CB, took a leave of absense from our jobs, called my family, packed the car....and left that night. We didn't tell C where we were going. We drove through the night. And arrived the next day right before lunch time.
This was the first time we had left our little boy. It was devastating....really devastating....and when I thought this was the "hardest thing" I would have to do as a parent.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!
We were at the end of our rope.
We needed RESPITE...LONG TERM RESPITE and fast!!
Our attachment therapist had a very good friend in another state who specialized in doing theraputic treatment respite. They also had adopted several children who had their adoptions disrupted.
After several days of new bruises mysteriously appearing on Abi, after several days of attempts to hurt her things became very desperate. We received a call from our therapist to tell us that her friend had an opening and could take C. We needed to take him NOW!!! We didnt' have the $$. We didn't even know how we would get the money. I called the adoption agency/church social services. I spoke to the director. Told him what was going on. They were somewhat aware because we had applied for special needs adoption subsidy (that is another post)...and so they were aware things were bad.
At approx. noon on a Wednesday I received a call from CB...we needed to bring C to them immediately. They had other children on a list. They were going to take him over the otehrs because they knew our situation was bad. They knew that if he wasn't out of our home immediately that something would happen to A. She knw that our Psychiatrist wasn't supportive. She was the ONLY pdoc we could go to and thought that "I" was the problem. Our therapist had done all she could. And this was our last ditch effort.
The director of LDS/SS called our Stake President. He told met hat he wasn't going to tell him th he needed me to. I told him that there was no way that I could 'tell another person'. I was at a point where I couldn't talk about it anymore. So he explained the situation. Pres. B called me immediately and told me that he would meet me after my bus route that afternoon. And we would be able to get the funding needed for the treatment home.
We called CB, took a leave of absense from our jobs, called my family, packed the car....and left that night. We didn't tell C where we were going. We drove through the night. And arrived the next day right before lunch time.
This was the first time we had left our little boy. It was devastating....really devastating....and when I thought this was the "hardest thing" I would have to do as a parent.
BOY WAS I WRONG!!!!
Family
There are many varying degrees of children with R.A.D. In our home we were dealing child with severe R.A.D.
There were so many people in our lives that did not 'get it'. They truly didn't get it. I remember very vividly my mom...my aunts...my family/friends not believing me when I would call them and tell them what was going on.
In an odd way my family was supportive. And even till the end they were supportive. James' brother Jwas very helpful and did respite for us from time to time. Thankfully, we had him. With out him we would have struggled even more. Justin = got it. He saw the destruction.
My mom got it but she didn't. It took a drastic measure before my family/mom really got it.
James' parents lived in New York. My MIL came and visited once and was able to see what life was like. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. But it was tough. My inlaws took C back NY w/them for a week or so during the summer of 2000. Deep down and looking back I know that they didn't really get it. They didn't believe us.
There were so many people in our lives that did not 'get it'. They truly didn't get it. I remember very vividly my mom...my aunts...my family/friends not believing me when I would call them and tell them what was going on.
In an odd way my family was supportive. And even till the end they were supportive. James' brother Jwas very helpful and did respite for us from time to time. Thankfully, we had him. With out him we would have struggled even more. Justin = got it. He saw the destruction.
My mom got it but she didn't. It took a drastic measure before my family/mom really got it.
James' parents lived in New York. My MIL came and visited once and was able to see what life was like. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. But it was tough. My inlaws took C back NY w/them for a week or so during the summer of 2000. Deep down and looking back I know that they didn't really get it. They didn't believe us.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
Post Intensive - Can't Hurt Me...
Who can I? That was the motto...
If I can't "physically" hurt my mom any more. How can I hurt her?
Of course Corry didn't actually 'say' these words/comments. The agenda was of such though.
After the intensive we saw great changes in Corry. He was much more cooperative. Then as if a light switch was turned off and on things changed.
"I can hurt my mom...by hurting my sister". Again, he didn't say this. However, it was his actions. Oh' was it his actions.
How could this be? He loved his baby sister. He fed her. He rocked her. He sang to her. He played for hours on end to her. Abi and Corry had the strongest bond. It was the "ONLY" positive attachment that he had.
Deborah Hage told us she encouraged to see that he could form a healthy attachment and that it gave her hope he would form one with me. He was attached to his dad. However, there were still "issues".
I will never forget the day that I went downstairs to do laundry. What I saw when I came back up the stairs was horrifying.
Corry was positioned on top of Abi on all fours. He had her blanket over her face. She was crying (very meekly) and he was teling her 'shut up or i will kill you...mommy is downstairs she will never know it was me...' I hollared "CORRY STOP" and he ran off to his room. Abi layed there dazed at confused. I called James at work and told him he needed to come home immediately. Of course he couldn't. My good friend Martha was able to come and she dealt with Abi (she was only 1 of 2 people who could hold her...not even my mom could hold her or even look at her. She was OVERLY attached...and for good reason. more on that in a later post).
Corry raged for the remainder of the night. Like many nights I would end up giving him his meds so that he would get tired "earlier". There was no way that I could deal with raging on end for hours on end. So many nights he got his meds around 5pm. And woudl be "winding" down around 6pm and asleep by 7pm. This particularly was true when James was working evenings.
Over the next few weeks life went from not very good to bad to really bad to I don't know if I can get through another day.
There were many incidences were Abi would get hurt and I had no clue how it happened. She slept with us and so I knew he wasn't getting to her at night. There were very few times where he was left alone w/her. Somehow - it happened. Day after Day after Day...
He knew he could hurt me...by hurting her!! As horrible as it might sound - it was true. The hardest part was I knew that he truly loved her. I knew that it truly hurt his heart to be treating her this way. I was not able to help him. I tried very hard to not let him know how much it hurt my heart.
As I said above - life wasn't very good. The worse things got. I became more and more depressed. What was I doing wrong????
To top things off our psychiatrist that we "did have" wanted to drug Corry to the point where he couldn't function. This dr. was known for giving children "lots of medication". He wasn't a pediatric psychiatrist. Then our HMO hired a Pediatric Psychiatrist. I was SOOO excited.
This new PDOC...was nearly the death of me!!!! OMGosh...this woman was evil. Corry even knew she was evil. Heck, one day he told her "You know...you might want to buy a bigger dress or loose some weight..." ROFLMAO!!!! She was a little "larger" (no jokes there because so was I). She had a tendancy to wear dresses that buttoned up and were to small. This one day...her bra was clearly showing... Oh' I nearly died!! It was a sweet revenge for me. She told me...she told his pediatrician and she told our therapist that I was the problem and Corry's problems were because of me!! I wish I would hav ehad the fraze "asshat" back then...because she would have been on the top of my asshats list. (few yrs later..this dr had so many complaints that the HMO clinic didn't renew her contract. I foudn this out from our therapist).
So now...Corry was hurting his sister. In many ways that I can't even talk about.
I will say to my knowledge he never sexually abused her....ever!!
If I can't "physically" hurt my mom any more. How can I hurt her?
Of course Corry didn't actually 'say' these words/comments. The agenda was of such though.
After the intensive we saw great changes in Corry. He was much more cooperative. Then as if a light switch was turned off and on things changed.
"I can hurt my mom...by hurting my sister". Again, he didn't say this. However, it was his actions. Oh' was it his actions.
How could this be? He loved his baby sister. He fed her. He rocked her. He sang to her. He played for hours on end to her. Abi and Corry had the strongest bond. It was the "ONLY" positive attachment that he had.
Deborah Hage told us she encouraged to see that he could form a healthy attachment and that it gave her hope he would form one with me. He was attached to his dad. However, there were still "issues".
I will never forget the day that I went downstairs to do laundry. What I saw when I came back up the stairs was horrifying.
Corry was positioned on top of Abi on all fours. He had her blanket over her face. She was crying (very meekly) and he was teling her 'shut up or i will kill you...mommy is downstairs she will never know it was me...' I hollared "CORRY STOP" and he ran off to his room. Abi layed there dazed at confused. I called James at work and told him he needed to come home immediately. Of course he couldn't. My good friend Martha was able to come and she dealt with Abi (she was only 1 of 2 people who could hold her...not even my mom could hold her or even look at her. She was OVERLY attached...and for good reason. more on that in a later post).
Corry raged for the remainder of the night. Like many nights I would end up giving him his meds so that he would get tired "earlier". There was no way that I could deal with raging on end for hours on end. So many nights he got his meds around 5pm. And woudl be "winding" down around 6pm and asleep by 7pm. This particularly was true when James was working evenings.
Over the next few weeks life went from not very good to bad to really bad to I don't know if I can get through another day.
There were many incidences were Abi would get hurt and I had no clue how it happened. She slept with us and so I knew he wasn't getting to her at night. There were very few times where he was left alone w/her. Somehow - it happened. Day after Day after Day...
He knew he could hurt me...by hurting her!! As horrible as it might sound - it was true. The hardest part was I knew that he truly loved her. I knew that it truly hurt his heart to be treating her this way. I was not able to help him. I tried very hard to not let him know how much it hurt my heart.
As I said above - life wasn't very good. The worse things got. I became more and more depressed. What was I doing wrong????
To top things off our psychiatrist that we "did have" wanted to drug Corry to the point where he couldn't function. This dr. was known for giving children "lots of medication". He wasn't a pediatric psychiatrist. Then our HMO hired a Pediatric Psychiatrist. I was SOOO excited.
This new PDOC...was nearly the death of me!!!! OMGosh...this woman was evil. Corry even knew she was evil. Heck, one day he told her "You know...you might want to buy a bigger dress or loose some weight..." ROFLMAO!!!! She was a little "larger" (no jokes there because so was I). She had a tendancy to wear dresses that buttoned up and were to small. This one day...her bra was clearly showing... Oh' I nearly died!! It was a sweet revenge for me. She told me...she told his pediatrician and she told our therapist that I was the problem and Corry's problems were because of me!! I wish I would hav ehad the fraze "asshat" back then...because she would have been on the top of my asshats list. (few yrs later..this dr had so many complaints that the HMO clinic didn't renew her contract. I foudn this out from our therapist).
So now...Corry was hurting his sister. In many ways that I can't even talk about.
I will say to my knowledge he never sexually abused her....ever!!
Intensive - Post Intensive
In October 2000 we did a mini-intensive with Deborah Hage. Deborah traveled to WI and spent 5 days working with Corry, James and I. Our intensive was in the afternoon. We were very lucky to have the support of the non-profit group who not only helped us finance the intensive but provided child care for our 14 month old - Abi. Since Abi would not go to anyone but the owner of the foundation it was very helpful to have our baby with us in the same building as the therapy session.
It wasn't easy. It was very hard. Not only for Corry but for myself and husband. I have to say that there are parts of this journey that my mind has blocked out. I truthfully, can not remember. Quite honestly there is not much about the intensive that I can remember.
I can/will say that I remember Deborah's loving, soft and sweet voice. I remember her telling me what an awesome job I was doing as Corry's mom. How I was doing what I knew to do. That I was loving him as much as I could. Even though my love wasn't enough - he was getting it. He was testing it.
That week I learned that "I" could no longer let Corry hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. That I was an awesome mom and it was up to "HIM" if he wanted to heal. This was a turning point for me. Until this point I had been trying to change me. I felt that if I loved him more that things would get better. Clearly this was not the case. Clearly I was loving him enough. I learned to look at Corry in a different light. He was sick. And it was my job to help him heal as much as he would let me. Maybe that isn't exactly what it was about...but that is what I think "today"....
One of the things that I do remember is something that is very hard for me to share. It is very hard for me to admit. I sometimes wonder if we would have listened and followed suit at that time if "I" would be as hurt today? If Cor would have been as hurt today? If our life would have changed drastically on the emotional end of this journey. She told us that Corry needed much more intensive supervision than we could give him. Not that what we were doing wasn't good. not that we didnt' love him...but that she didn't think we would be able to keep Abi safe. As our therapist it was her job to "tell" us what she forseen. We didn't believe her. Corry had never acted out towards smaller children. He had never hurt Abi. He was very protective of his baby sister. To our knowledge....
We didn't want to believe her. It took several years before we were able to really believe that we couldn't keep our younger children safe.
We did eventually end up terminating our parental rights. Actually, we did not pursue the TPR. The state in which we live did!!!!
We were warned that post -intensive things would get better and then worse. Most likely then they would get better again. We were very excited for the coming months. We were very hopeful that this was the begining of our healing.
AND.....
Things started going rather well. Corry was doing better in school. We were getting less calls. Things at night were getting better. We were so happy. So relieved. There were 10 steps fwd....11 back....5 fwd....4 back....6 fwd....2 back....2 fwd...5 back....10 back.....
I think it would be best to start the next section of this in a different post............
It wasn't easy. It was very hard. Not only for Corry but for myself and husband. I have to say that there are parts of this journey that my mind has blocked out. I truthfully, can not remember. Quite honestly there is not much about the intensive that I can remember.
I can/will say that I remember Deborah's loving, soft and sweet voice. I remember her telling me what an awesome job I was doing as Corry's mom. How I was doing what I knew to do. That I was loving him as much as I could. Even though my love wasn't enough - he was getting it. He was testing it.
That week I learned that "I" could no longer let Corry hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. That I was an awesome mom and it was up to "HIM" if he wanted to heal. This was a turning point for me. Until this point I had been trying to change me. I felt that if I loved him more that things would get better. Clearly this was not the case. Clearly I was loving him enough. I learned to look at Corry in a different light. He was sick. And it was my job to help him heal as much as he would let me. Maybe that isn't exactly what it was about...but that is what I think "today"....
One of the things that I do remember is something that is very hard for me to share. It is very hard for me to admit. I sometimes wonder if we would have listened and followed suit at that time if "I" would be as hurt today? If Cor would have been as hurt today? If our life would have changed drastically on the emotional end of this journey. She told us that Corry needed much more intensive supervision than we could give him. Not that what we were doing wasn't good. not that we didnt' love him...but that she didn't think we would be able to keep Abi safe. As our therapist it was her job to "tell" us what she forseen. We didn't believe her. Corry had never acted out towards smaller children. He had never hurt Abi. He was very protective of his baby sister. To our knowledge....
We didn't want to believe her. It took several years before we were able to really believe that we couldn't keep our younger children safe.
We did eventually end up terminating our parental rights. Actually, we did not pursue the TPR. The state in which we live did!!!!
We were warned that post -intensive things would get better and then worse. Most likely then they would get better again. We were very excited for the coming months. We were very hopeful that this was the begining of our healing.
AND.....
Things started going rather well. Corry was doing better in school. We were getting less calls. Things at night were getting better. We were so happy. So relieved. There were 10 steps fwd....11 back....5 fwd....4 back....6 fwd....2 back....2 fwd...5 back....10 back.....
I think it would be best to start the next section of this in a different post............
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
Not all Bad
There were many good days. There were many weeks that were good. We had many memoriable moments that were not all bad. Many of those moments were good.
As I think about our time as a family these good moments make it easier to get through the rough days. These good days make it just as tough to get through the tough days - because the guilt really bothers me. The "what ifs" really bother me.
I want to make it clear that there were good days and this is all that I have to hold on to right now. Those good days help me get through the bad days that I am having now.
As I can and think about it I will try to add in the good moments.
As I think about our time as a family these good moments make it easier to get through the rough days. These good days make it just as tough to get through the tough days - because the guilt really bothers me. The "what ifs" really bother me.
I want to make it clear that there were good days and this is all that I have to hold on to right now. Those good days help me get through the bad days that I am having now.
As I can and think about it I will try to add in the good moments.
Monday, April 14, 2008
Sibling Bonding
I want to write a bit about C and A's bond. I know I mentioned in a previous post that C had threatened to kill the baby after she was born. He did this daily. He knew he could upset me by saying it..therefore he continued to say it.
When Abi was born we were very vigilant of her. She was never left alone in a room w/C. She slept in our room. She was severely attached to her momma. From the time she was 3 months old until she was 16/18 months old - she woudl scream if ANYONE (even Grandma) would look at, hold, or even attempt to make eye contact w/her. She was "overly attached". I am sure it was because I/we - never left her outside of our sight - EVER!!
As I mentioned in previous post we moved into a home where we took care of 2 adults w/disabilities. This happened with A was about 3 months old (early November). Shortly before we moved one night C & A and I were laying on the floor.
As with our nightly routine - we would lay, laugh and try to jus thave fun (this is pre-RAD diagnosis, KAY foundation, therapy...) And C made some lil face at Abi and she laughed a belly laugh made me cut up in tears. She was not quite 2 months old at this point.
This became our routine. ONLY and I repeat ONLY C was able to get Abi to laugh like this. ONLY C was able to get the reaction out of this tiny lil thing that was sooo hysterical. He lived for this moment. Often, I woudl be nursing MsAbi who thought that my boob was her pacifer when Cor would come up and say something to her and she would cut up laughing.
She loved him unconditionally!! He loved her unconditionally!!
For the first time in his little life...he was attached to his baby sister. He cried and cried when she would be sick. He would become very over protective whenn we woud go to the doctor. When she got her first shots. OMgosh...lets jsut say I never took him w/me again because he was so irate w/the nurses for "hurting" his sister.
The bond between these two was very strong. For a very long time. Even up until the very end, right before our parental rights were terminated...that bond was still there.
I can bet that if you were to talk to him today about our family first things he would ask/tell you about his sister.
There were several times that C would be raging - throwing things, bitting me, trying to hurt me and somehow in the process Abwould get hurt by him. Each and every time he was very remorseful for hurting her and her only.
This was a posivitive thing. We felt very strongly that he could form a healthy attachment and were hopeful.
When Abi was born we were very vigilant of her. She was never left alone in a room w/C. She slept in our room. She was severely attached to her momma. From the time she was 3 months old until she was 16/18 months old - she woudl scream if ANYONE (even Grandma) would look at, hold, or even attempt to make eye contact w/her. She was "overly attached". I am sure it was because I/we - never left her outside of our sight - EVER!!
As I mentioned in previous post we moved into a home where we took care of 2 adults w/disabilities. This happened with A was about 3 months old (early November). Shortly before we moved one night C & A and I were laying on the floor.
As with our nightly routine - we would lay, laugh and try to jus thave fun (this is pre-RAD diagnosis, KAY foundation, therapy...) And C made some lil face at Abi and she laughed a belly laugh made me cut up in tears. She was not quite 2 months old at this point.
This became our routine. ONLY and I repeat ONLY C was able to get Abi to laugh like this. ONLY C was able to get the reaction out of this tiny lil thing that was sooo hysterical. He lived for this moment. Often, I woudl be nursing MsAbi who thought that my boob was her pacifer when Cor would come up and say something to her and she would cut up laughing.
She loved him unconditionally!! He loved her unconditionally!!
For the first time in his little life...he was attached to his baby sister. He cried and cried when she would be sick. He would become very over protective whenn we woud go to the doctor. When she got her first shots. OMgosh...lets jsut say I never took him w/me again because he was so irate w/the nurses for "hurting" his sister.
The bond between these two was very strong. For a very long time. Even up until the very end, right before our parental rights were terminated...that bond was still there.
I can bet that if you were to talk to him today about our family first things he would ask/tell you about his sister.
There were several times that C would be raging - throwing things, bitting me, trying to hurt me and somehow in the process Abwould get hurt by him. Each and every time he was very remorseful for hurting her and her only.
This was a posivitive thing. We felt very strongly that he could form a healthy attachment and were hopeful.
Please Lord, Help Me!!!
Lord, please help me. Please help me "love my son more, please help me forgive him for being so defiant, please just let someone...anyone here me and listen to me..."
For weeks and months it seemed that I was pleading with the Lord to give me some sort of answer, some sort of break, just something - some shimmer of hope that things could get better.
Here I am w/a newborn baby and a 5 yr old. One child who was severely attached to my right boob and the other who wanted to cut the left boob off!! (sorry for the pun...but it was what I thought often...).
My husband didn't believe me. If he did that would mean he would have to acknowledge there was a problem.
My days were spent trying to figure out 'what was wrong' with my little boy. Surely, there would be an answer.
My mom always says "The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle...." Well, Lord..this was more than I could handle.
Then my answer came. By means of a flyer that was sent home w/C from school.
The next morning I called the number. I spoke to this woman and for the first time in a year - I realized that I was not alone in this battle. That I was not crazy. That I did love my son enough.
I couldn't get enough. Oh my gosh...I sat there and wrote every word the women on the other side of the phone said. Word for word... She knew my son...she really did...not personally she didn't know him. But she "knew" him...she "lived" with him...her own son. She had got help and was on the way to healing.
Immediatly she told me what she believed C had..."Reactive Attachment Disorder". She explained to me what it was. She explained the theory, the concept, every single bit of what she said made 100% sense.
I was not crazy or was I?
This lady and her sister had began a non-profit organization to help support children/parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and other mental health problems. She told me what the initial consult and so forth would cost. She told me what their organization had to offer me. She gave me hope.
For some reason...that paper sat untouched for a few days.
I knew that there was no way we could afford the initial evaluation fee or any of the other things they had to offer.
Few days later I receieved an intake packet. I filled it out. I mailed it back. Having faith that the Lord would provide.
My prayers were once again answered. The next day after I sent it back Cheri called me and asked me if I could come into her office and meet w/her. I wasn't able to because I was babysitting a little boy at the time and I dnd't have a car during the days when James was working.
She offered to come to my house and meet with me.
Again - there was hope. I couldn't get "enough" of what she was telling me. I immediately started doing yahoo searches. I made an appt w/our pediatrician. I went fwd and wouldn't take no for an answer.
At that time we were told by our pediatrician that "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was NOT WHAT OUR SON HAD and that people were quick to say this was the 'problem' for all children.
My prayers were dashed. Do I believe my pediatrician? Do I believe this woman who lived this nightmare and had a son who was healing? We continued to move fwd w/the KAY Foundation.
They did their evaluation and did not charge us. In return we (I) voluntered in their office and groups for kids. Thehy started working w/us and things seemed to get a little better.
They referred us to an Attachment Therapist. The only one in our area that has extensive experience working with adopted children.
It took us a while to make contact w/this therapist. Once we did...it was like the Heaven's had opened.
During this time period (We got the flyer in October of 99) and it was now spring of 00...
We had moved. We were live in caregivers for a couple who were developmentally disabled. (The woman was WAY R.A.D!!!!) . I was getting daily, weekly and even hourly phone calls from the school. I was going insane.
My son methodically "planned" outbursts at school. In kindergarten this child was suspended from school. WHAT? You are doing WHAT?" I yelled at the principal. I said "NO...I will be right there and WE will have a talk".
I demanded that he would NOT be home w/me. I demanded that he would NOT be suspended. He was 5 yrs old and he was NOT staying home with me.
The principal and I went round and round...
I won. C had ann inschool suspension WITH the principal. He followed him everywhere the entire day. He made it clear "this will not be fun for him...I hope you know that" HELLO dummy...I dont' think a child who did what he just did...should have FUN.
The next day he came home from his 'in school suspension' and I asked him how it went. His reply..."Mom, it was the best day of my life in school. I loved it. Every moment. I got all of my work done. I got more work done and Mr. _ had to go ask Mrs. _ for more work...I did really good".
Why did he do so good? I knew immediately....
There were no demands put upon him. He was not in a room with 20 other kids, he was able work at his own pace, do as he wanted when he wanted all day long....
We also found at that his IEP was not being followed at this new school. He was supposed to have a one on one aide...we found out he didnt'. Had he been supervised w/this 1-1 aide...the thiings he was doing wouldn't have happened. The school...had him an aide immediatly upon hearing form the KAY Foundation and myself that they were not incompliance w/the State laws re: IEP's.
For weeks and months it seemed that I was pleading with the Lord to give me some sort of answer, some sort of break, just something - some shimmer of hope that things could get better.
Here I am w/a newborn baby and a 5 yr old. One child who was severely attached to my right boob and the other who wanted to cut the left boob off!! (sorry for the pun...but it was what I thought often...).
My husband didn't believe me. If he did that would mean he would have to acknowledge there was a problem.
My days were spent trying to figure out 'what was wrong' with my little boy. Surely, there would be an answer.
My mom always says "The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle...." Well, Lord..this was more than I could handle.
Then my answer came. By means of a flyer that was sent home w/C from school.
The next morning I called the number. I spoke to this woman and for the first time in a year - I realized that I was not alone in this battle. That I was not crazy. That I did love my son enough.
I couldn't get enough. Oh my gosh...I sat there and wrote every word the women on the other side of the phone said. Word for word... She knew my son...she really did...not personally she didn't know him. But she "knew" him...she "lived" with him...her own son. She had got help and was on the way to healing.
Immediatly she told me what she believed C had..."Reactive Attachment Disorder". She explained to me what it was. She explained the theory, the concept, every single bit of what she said made 100% sense.
I was not crazy or was I?
This lady and her sister had began a non-profit organization to help support children/parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and other mental health problems. She told me what the initial consult and so forth would cost. She told me what their organization had to offer me. She gave me hope.
For some reason...that paper sat untouched for a few days.
I knew that there was no way we could afford the initial evaluation fee or any of the other things they had to offer.
Few days later I receieved an intake packet. I filled it out. I mailed it back. Having faith that the Lord would provide.
My prayers were once again answered. The next day after I sent it back Cheri called me and asked me if I could come into her office and meet w/her. I wasn't able to because I was babysitting a little boy at the time and I dnd't have a car during the days when James was working.
She offered to come to my house and meet with me.
Again - there was hope. I couldn't get "enough" of what she was telling me. I immediately started doing yahoo searches. I made an appt w/our pediatrician. I went fwd and wouldn't take no for an answer.
At that time we were told by our pediatrician that "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was NOT WHAT OUR SON HAD and that people were quick to say this was the 'problem' for all children.
My prayers were dashed. Do I believe my pediatrician? Do I believe this woman who lived this nightmare and had a son who was healing? We continued to move fwd w/the KAY Foundation.
They did their evaluation and did not charge us. In return we (I) voluntered in their office and groups for kids. Thehy started working w/us and things seemed to get a little better.
They referred us to an Attachment Therapist. The only one in our area that has extensive experience working with adopted children.
It took us a while to make contact w/this therapist. Once we did...it was like the Heaven's had opened.
During this time period (We got the flyer in October of 99) and it was now spring of 00...
We had moved. We were live in caregivers for a couple who were developmentally disabled. (The woman was WAY R.A.D!!!!) . I was getting daily, weekly and even hourly phone calls from the school. I was going insane.
My son methodically "planned" outbursts at school. In kindergarten this child was suspended from school. WHAT? You are doing WHAT?" I yelled at the principal. I said "NO...I will be right there and WE will have a talk".
I demanded that he would NOT be home w/me. I demanded that he would NOT be suspended. He was 5 yrs old and he was NOT staying home with me.
The principal and I went round and round...
I won. C had ann inschool suspension WITH the principal. He followed him everywhere the entire day. He made it clear "this will not be fun for him...I hope you know that" HELLO dummy...I dont' think a child who did what he just did...should have FUN.
The next day he came home from his 'in school suspension' and I asked him how it went. His reply..."Mom, it was the best day of my life in school. I loved it. Every moment. I got all of my work done. I got more work done and Mr. _ had to go ask Mrs. _ for more work...I did really good".
Why did he do so good? I knew immediately....
There were no demands put upon him. He was not in a room with 20 other kids, he was able work at his own pace, do as he wanted when he wanted all day long....
We also found at that his IEP was not being followed at this new school. He was supposed to have a one on one aide...we found out he didnt'. Had he been supervised w/this 1-1 aide...the thiings he was doing wouldn't have happened. The school...had him an aide immediatly upon hearing form the KAY Foundation and myself that they were not incompliance w/the State laws re: IEP's.
Sunday, April 13, 2008
Tears on the First Day of Kindergarten
12 days after A was born C started kindergarten. We were all so excited. I was more than excited.
We walked the 2 blocks to school that day. Since I had a c-section I had not been moving around so well. It was the 12th day that I woke up w/no pain....I firmly believe it was my body saying "This is a day of jubilation". LOLOL
We waited for this day for a long time.
The kindergarten children were all dressed in their summer best. Some with tears running down streaming down their faces. Many of the mommy's and daddy's with tears streaming down their faces. We all waited in the playground area outside as instructed.
At the right time each child lined up in their classroom line as they were supposed to do each day...
And they all marched off to their first day of schools.
Moms and dads all crying.
This mom....was not crying. As I looked around at each and every one of these moms crying I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I not crying? Surely it was because I had not "birthed" this child. Surely there was something wrong with me. Surely, I was failing at motherhood....
I walked the 2 blocks home from that school. Tears filled my eyes. As I cried all the way home and most of that day....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
I cried because I wasn't crying like the other moms?
I was so thankful to finally have respite from this child that I saw that first day of school at glorious. I have said the same thing for 9 yrs on the first day of school...
"It is one of the best things that the US goverment offers the parents of this planet....SCHOOL"
We walked the 2 blocks to school that day. Since I had a c-section I had not been moving around so well. It was the 12th day that I woke up w/no pain....I firmly believe it was my body saying "This is a day of jubilation". LOLOL
We waited for this day for a long time.
The kindergarten children were all dressed in their summer best. Some with tears running down streaming down their faces. Many of the mommy's and daddy's with tears streaming down their faces. We all waited in the playground area outside as instructed.
At the right time each child lined up in their classroom line as they were supposed to do each day...
And they all marched off to their first day of schools.
Moms and dads all crying.
This mom....was not crying. As I looked around at each and every one of these moms crying I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I not crying? Surely it was because I had not "birthed" this child. Surely there was something wrong with me. Surely, I was failing at motherhood....
I walked the 2 blocks home from that school. Tears filled my eyes. As I cried all the way home and most of that day....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.
I cried because I wasn't crying like the other moms?
I was so thankful to finally have respite from this child that I saw that first day of school at glorious. I have said the same thing for 9 yrs on the first day of school...
"It is one of the best things that the US goverment offers the parents of this planet....SCHOOL"
"I'm Going to Kill this Baby"
We finalized in April. From April to August was a bit of a blur.
I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.
My love....was not enough!!!!
During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".
I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!
Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".
Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.
Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).
We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.
Our baby is born....Next
I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.
My love....was not enough!!!!
During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".
I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!
Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".
Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.
Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).
We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.
Our baby is born....Next
Thursday, April 10, 2008
My feelings TODAY....
**I need to just say writing this much harder than I ever expected it would be. There are many memories that I have not thought about in many years. There are many warning signs, problems, and just plain anger that I have not thought about and/or even came close to dealing with. For 9 years this stuff has been stuffed really deep w/in my heart. I guess in a way to protect myself and C.
There is so much that I want to write about. There is so much that I think I need to write about. There is so much I think that needs to be wrote about. The emotions and memories have come flooding foward quickier than I ever thought they would be. I really thought that I would right this - the basics would be told and bla bla bla...
Nope, that just isn't the case. Please bear with me. I will say again this is more for my own therapy than it is for anything else. If on the way I say something that is helpful to someone else along the way - wonderful!! I know how I've searched and read and searched some more to find something...just something that would sing to my heart....something that would say this is normal for you to be thinking and/or feeling!!
There is nothing normal about what we went through. There is nothing normal about what you are going through.
I do believe there is hope. I do believe our kiddos deserve every ounce of help, love, determination that we can give them. And in the end if it isn't enough - than we go to bed at night knowing deep down that we did do what we could. Even though, right now as I right this I know I did all I could. My heart doesn't always think so!!
So..there you have it...my feelings for today!!!
There is so much that I want to write about. There is so much that I think I need to write about. There is so much I think that needs to be wrote about. The emotions and memories have come flooding foward quickier than I ever thought they would be. I really thought that I would right this - the basics would be told and bla bla bla...
Nope, that just isn't the case. Please bear with me. I will say again this is more for my own therapy than it is for anything else. If on the way I say something that is helpful to someone else along the way - wonderful!! I know how I've searched and read and searched some more to find something...just something that would sing to my heart....something that would say this is normal for you to be thinking and/or feeling!!
There is nothing normal about what we went through. There is nothing normal about what you are going through.
I do believe there is hope. I do believe our kiddos deserve every ounce of help, love, determination that we can give them. And in the end if it isn't enough - than we go to bed at night knowing deep down that we did do what we could. Even though, right now as I right this I know I did all I could. My heart doesn't always think so!!
So..there you have it...my feelings for today!!!
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Discussion on Attachment Disorder
Little did I know that the idiotic conversation that the SW would have with us on Attatchment Disorder would be what we would end up facing.
He said (I am not making this up) Are you familiar with attachment?
We said something in the lines "of how it was when the child bonds with the parents/caregivers".
He said - I can see by how C is responding to you that there are no issues with attachment. If you think there might be issues you can read this book...and told us what it was. I can't remember what it was. However, I know that when I looked into it later...it was NOT anything that would have been helpful or anything of the sort in regards to attachment.
That was our discussion/training on Attachment Disorder!!!
Since I'm on this topic and the agency. THis was the extent of our conversation in person with this agency. Not only did they NOT do placement visits in person. They were only at our home TWO TIMES EVER...Once was a few days after C came to live with us. He came one other time a few months later.
He said (I am not making this up) Are you familiar with attachment?
We said something in the lines "of how it was when the child bonds with the parents/caregivers".
He said - I can see by how C is responding to you that there are no issues with attachment. If you think there might be issues you can read this book...and told us what it was. I can't remember what it was. However, I know that when I looked into it later...it was NOT anything that would have been helpful or anything of the sort in regards to attachment.
That was our discussion/training on Attachment Disorder!!!
Since I'm on this topic and the agency. THis was the extent of our conversation in person with this agency. Not only did they NOT do placement visits in person. They were only at our home TWO TIMES EVER...Once was a few days after C came to live with us. He came one other time a few months later.
Tuesday, April 8, 2008
Always a First
There is always a first when it comes to posting on a blog, writing a letter and so forth.
I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.
I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!
You are not alone.
I was not alone.
This is something that I need to remember.
What is the purpose of this blog?
It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.
The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...
Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.
It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.
It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!
:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!
I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.
I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!
You are not alone.
I was not alone.
This is something that I need to remember.
What is the purpose of this blog?
It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.
The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...
Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.
It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.
It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!
:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!
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