~Life as I Know It~

I've taken a break from my blog over the last year and half.  You may notice there are several blog posts that are no longer published.  Give me some time and they will be back.  One of the main things I am going to be doing is taking the full name of my children out of posts.  There may still be some here and there in the ones that I have choose to publish.

Things have changed quite a bit in our family.  And yet at the same time things are the same.  My oldest will be 15 and youngest will be 12 in August.  J and I celebrated our 20th wedding anniversary in January of this year.  

The last I knew Cor was headed (or in) prison.  As callus as it might sound...it is a good place for him.  He has a roof over his head and meals provided.  He will be given medication.  He is safe from the outside world.  My family and I are safe.  That my friends is comforting to my heart.  There is healing in knowing we are all safe, for now.

Last September I had the opportunity to attend the Utah Trauma Moms Retreat.  Just as going to Orlando was life changing.  Going to the Utah moms retreat was life changing.  It was something that I needed to do for me.  There was some major upheaval in my life at that time. However, at the end of the retreat it was very clear to me that I would never miss again.  The retreat has changed into something bigger and better.  Hope Rising was born and the dream to bring multiple retreats throughout the United States was born. There is a ton of exciting new things happening.  I'm thankful to be a part of this group ladies.  Who have a mission of truly offering support to families with Reactive Attachment Disorder.  More importantly, a mission of helping each of the moms we support know their true value, self worth, and find healing from the depths of despair.

Recently, I wrote a post called "Beautiful Heartbreak" as a guest blogger.

Holidays Came...

and went with muchy more ease than in years past.

I still struggled.  However, not nearly as much as I have in years past. 

The struggle was more in the realm of other abuse/trauma related to my own childhood.  Things that have never been address.  Clearly...the struggles have been my own personal issues than issues related to our disruption.  Issues related to my own health and the ability to not take any type of RX medication w/o having significant fall out.  I've blogged a great deal on my private depression related blog (this blog is annon.  It does not have private settings.  If you would like the link you need to contact me via comments or email for the address) about the up and mostly down battle that 2011 brought.  It was by far one of the worst years that I've had in the realm of depression and anxiety.  October/November proved to be the toughest of all.  And I came close to being hospitalized after having a medication reaction that set me close to the edge.   

Sure disruption sucks.
Sure  disruption stings.
Sure when I came across the last picture of all 3 kids taken together my gut sank a lil.  But that was it.  I was able to look at it for what it was.  The last picture of all 3 kids together.  Progress...in little pieces is always welcome.

Christmas evening my inlaws and good friend and their families were here.  There was a conversation being had by my friends husband and my SIL.  The conversation almost ended with me going postal.  Initially, I was very hurt.  A few days passed and I mentioned to my friend that her dh was completely clueless about what he was saying. He did not intent on hurting my feelings.  However, his comments were not acceptable at anytime in my home.  She felt horrible and apologized profusely.   My SIL is a bitch.  She knew what she was saying.  She has over and over in the past made hurtful comments about Cor and our disruption and the situation in general. 

This year the child turns 18 years....and somehow the thoughts and feelings surrounding this milestone will need to be dealt with.  I hope and pray that just like the last picture I came across of all 3 children. I will also be able to see it for what it is.  He turns 18...  Please remind me in June....would you?

Court Records

Our state has a website to view current and past court preceedings/charges of individuals.  If you get a speeding ticket - it will be on there.  If you file bankruptcy - sometimes it will be on there.  If you foreclose on your house - it will be on there.  If you are arrested for battery, strangulation, bail jumping, and other bullshit....it will be on there.

Few weeks ago I looked up C. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw his name come up with actual charges.  He is not 18.  It broke my heart to see 2 counts of disorderly conduct.  I knew he was being charged with it.  However, I wasn't prepared for it.  Does that make any sense?

This evening, because I'm struggling in a rather raw way, I checked to see what the newest charges were and if I would be able to get an idea if C was still in jail or not.  Again, I was not prepared for what I read.  I needed to read he was still in jail.  I did not need to read "bail jumping".  Dear Lord he is ONLY 17...bail jumping. 

This is what I found:  (Name, address, birthdate and such have been removed)

Charge(s)

Count No.	Statute	Description	Severity	Disposition
1	940.19(1)	Battery	Misd. A
2	940.19(1)	Battery	Misd. A
3	943.01(1)	Criminal Damage to Property	Misd. A
4	946.49(1)(a)	Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor	Misd. A
5	946.49(1)(a)	Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor	Misd. A
6	940.235(1)	Strangulation and Suffocation	Felony H
7	940.44(1)	Intimidate Victim/Dissuade Reporting	Misd. A

and then all I could do was say:

and....

......I started a VERY HOT tub of water.  Because the hot water somehow...numbs the pain.  It was my coping mechnism when C was home.  And still is. 

Broken, Tattered, and Shattered

Those are the 3 words that come to my mind when I think about the last 13 years of our life when it comes to Cor, the system, our experience, our family, the entire situation.

Just a few days ago, I almost said outloud to one of my sweet soul sisters (or txt bc we txt often)  that I am/have been in a pretty good place when it comes to this entire situation. 

I've felt a ton of peace when it comes to Cor and everything that has followed.

Until today.

This weekend my dh received 3 phone calls in 2 hours.  Not one message was left.  None.  He will receive cluster calls from Cor during a 2-3 day time period.  But often, not several in one day.  DH didn't answer them.  He didn't acknowledge it. I got worried.  Three calls in 2 hours?  Could something be wrong?  Could he be ill? 

I turned to FB and did some lurking.  I know that his BM is friends on FB w/his foster mom. I figured out who his FM was bc I could see who his BM's friends were and well...when you only have a hand full it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  Turns out, I was right smack on. I was also smack on that recent supervised visits with BM (per Cor telling my dh about a month ago in a phone conversation) would go sour.  BM/FM are no loner friends on FB.  Interesting. 

Last night, my dh received 2 phone calls w/in minutes of each other from Cor.  The 2nd call there was a message left.  He refused to listen to it.  Said he didn't care.  I can't fault him for not talking to Cor.  And doing so only when he feels like he can.  He is pretty good about not answering calls when our children are awake or around.  It is energy draining for him.  And I accept and understand that.  Cor has only left 1 message in the 2 years since we were 'located' by one of his group home owners.  The last message wasn't a very nice one.  And left both my dh and I in a bad spot.  So I get why Dh didn't want to listen to it.

Today is my day off.  We decided to go into town this morning after the kids were sent off to school. I knew he hadn't listened to the message.  I still said "So, what did Corry want?"  He said "oh, I forgot he called." He listened to the message.

It wasn't Cor. It was his FM. She was wanting to know if DH would give her some background on this kid.  What kind of abuse and from whom he had been abused by.  And if he had ever abused animals or other children in our home.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!

Oi!!  We are always happy (or my dh is anyway...and I would be, too) to give any and all information we have on Cor.  We love him.  We've always loved him.  We spent several years giving that chidl everything we had.  We filed bankruptcy twice bc we literally spent every penny and then some trying to get him help.  No amount of anything was helpful.  If by chance, we can share a little bit of something to one of his caregivers now that will HELP THEM or PROTECT THEM or the children in their home OR Cor...then we will do it.

DH had a 30-45 min. phone conversation w/this lady.

Cor is in jail.  Big person jail.  She is giving him 1 more chance and that is ONLY bc he went to respite this weekend and didn't receive his medication and it isn't his fault he didn't receive his meds.  True.  But in all reality, not really.  He attempted to hurt her.  I believe he did hurt her.  Dh didn't give me exact details and I was able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

DH told FM lots and lots of stuff.  As much as one can in a 30-45 min conversation.  I was got out of the car when I knew I was about to loose my shit.  James made some type of comment that he is always amazed at how highly Cor has held DH on a pedestal (true!!!).  And FM said "OMG...I know.  You can do and never have done any wrong in this boys eyes.  He highly respects you and what you tell him.  If you tell him he needs to shape his shit up and xyz...then for the next several days he will try very hard.  Saying "I need to make my dad proud of me".  She then proceeded to tell dh that he has told her that he was abused in our home.  Which she hasn't believed.  But he is adament and consistant about the abuse he endured in our home. 

Fuck.  Really?
This is what I hear and internalize in that comment.

The kid thinks DH can do no wrong and highly respects him.  Well, who the hell else does that lead to have abused him?  Me. 

It is probably best that I not hear that from him.  I might just end up abusing him.  Except for the fact he is nearly a foot taller than I am.  So that wouldn't go so well I'm sure.

I'm amazed that this seems to be the longest foster/treatment placement he has had.  This lady knew nothing of his previous placements in psych hospital that led to RTC that led to being placed in theraputic home.  She knew nothing about him hurting his siblings, nothing about ANYTHING. 

Fuck.  REALLY?
I'm pissed today.
I'm hurt today.
I'm angry today.

I really would love to just run the freeking SW, who is STILL invovled in his care....you know the SAME ONE for the last 10 years....run his ass over.  Seriously, it is probably best we don't ever meet on the street.  He never be a passenger of mine. I would SOOOO leave his ass in a rain storm.  Better yet in a blizzard.  Drive right past him...after I spit my gum out at him.

I know....I'm not very grown up about what I have to say or think or feel.  I'm sure I sound like a whiney ass cry baby having a temper tantrum.  Guess what? I really don't care.  Because that is exactly what I am doing....having a huge freeking tantrum.  And it is all I can do not to call the DCFS Social Worker and give him the riot act. 

He failed this kid.

Again and again and again....

If I went to work and failed to do my job...the state would no longer allow me to work.  If I hurt somoene, I would no longer be allowed to work.  We both have state jobs....and this dumbass continues to just mess it up.

Our family was broken.
Our family was tattered.
Our family was shattered.

Our son was broken.
Our son was tattered.
Our son was shattered.

The system is broken.
The system is tattered.
The system is shattered.

I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up if I Tried...

Every step of the way, I have often thought that there is no way I could make up even half of the bs that has surrounded our 'adoption story'. 

You know the one where you and your spouse go through years of infertility.  Have 4 specialist in 4 years tell you ...Ms _ you will never conceive naturallly.....and then you decide to look into adoption

Only to find out the cost is above and beyond your current ability so you let it sit on the back burner for awhile.  Putting all your faith in the Lord and saying "In HIS time we will move forward.  In HIS time we will become parents.  In HIS time OUR CHILDREN will be brought to this earthly home of ours...."

Only to have the agency you orginally contacted and NEVER filled out any paperwork or even give them  your info....yolu just inquired...to have them contact you and tell you that YOU were chosen by bio grandparents of a child that WOULD eventually be available for adoption.... 

Then not even a year later have that bio family contact you, in an emergency, and have us take the child for emergency respite. 

ONLY to have that emergency placement become...permanent.

Only...only only only only only......

to have so many wrongs end up making a right.

ONLY to have so many rights....end up being WRONG!!

To have lived your life in such a Christian/Christ-like manner that you were certain this child was your child.  And you believed with all your heart that the Lord had orchistrated a true miracle (which I still do believe) when you found out you were pregnant for your first biological child, only a few short weeks after you signed the intent to adopt paperwork.  Having said ALL ALONG that you would NOT adopt or follow-thru with adopting should we get pregnant before this child was placed w/us permantly for adoption.

Only...only...only!!

Only to have so much that seemed so dang right.  Go so VERY wrong.

I couldn't make this Sh*t up if I tried....

***you know the disruption sh*t.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh.
***you know the hooking up w/bio mom on FB and ever so often friend requests that you get.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh that go unanswered.
***you know the pulling into a McD's parking lot....over an hour from your home, on your way to do a photoshoot....ONLY to see this child...whom you have only seen a picture of on your states waiting child listing and his FB profile pic....to SEE him walking into McD's for breakfast (or lunch...could have been either bc it was right about that time.)
***you know the phone calls...the ones that happen as I'm responding to a blog comment..just seconds before beginning this post.

Ever so often....as in this last week....I say to myself many times a day...."i couldn't make this shit up if I tried" and a few other things that I will not go into on this blog.

I sure do...

love the attachment therapist that we saw w/Corry.

It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.

One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.

We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.

From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.

I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.

Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.

Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.

I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....

If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.

And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....

The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....

If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.

Do Something Positive...

I've mentioned this before on here (or maybe my other blog) the last 2 years around Cor's bd and then the anniv. of the placement and TPR of our adoption of Cor..my therapist told me that I needed to channel my anger into something positive.

I thought I was the crazy one seeing her. Yet, she came up with this crazy comment. She told me this several times. I would think about it and think there was no way.

Whenn that therapist left and I started seeing a collegue of hers - she said the same thing.

I've had this 'thought' in my head. I know what I want to do. My husband knows what I want to do. I have just needed to figure out how to do it (still trying to figure it out).

The last few days I've really been pondering this concept. Trying to figure out in my head how I can make this happen. Trying to figure out how I can make this happen. Yet, I haven't figured out.

I've been waiting to tell "bloggy" land what my thoughts are. No one has known until recently. I told my mom recently and well...that is part of the reason why i've not told anyone. Why I don't think I can 'do' what I really think/want to do. Yet, I know I can't let her shoot me down. If anything I need to fight harder to let her know that I will, I can, I want and I will....do it...

I have told my old boss at my job (I got a new boss due to some restructuring of positions)...she was very supportive. As the mother of 2 small adopted children, primary practice is working as an OT w/RAD-y children...she thought it was a great idea. I've told another one of the OT's and again...she thought it was a great idea and was able to give me some ideas on how to move fwd.

You can guess what it is if you want....

Maybe I'll reveal more later....if someone gets it right I'll let you know.

This hint...

It is a long haul. Not an easy path....

What was I Thinking????

Some times we do/say things that later make us think "What was I thinking by doing that?"

Today, I did something that has me thinking on those same lines.

It isn't anything bad or that could get me in trouble. It was just something that has made my heart ache ever since.

I will not go in to details on "how" I found out.

However, I will say this.... The child whom we were told was "re-adoptable" has not been "re-adopted".

Is this a surprise to me? BIG FAT NOOOOOOO!!!
Is he better off now as an orphan? BIG FAT NOOOOOOOO!!!
Do I feel better with this information? BIG FAT NOOOOOOO!!!

Evaluation and Finalization

With in a few months it became apparent to us there were some things that just were not right. Everyone kept telling us we just needed to love him more, be consistant, he never had been disciplined before so he was fighting that aspect of our parenting, he just needed consistant love...

LOVE HIM MORE....

Wow was that ever a blow to our hearts. (At least this momma). We loved him more than life itself. We tried to pull our brains over the entire life that had become ours and enbrace it.

We contacted the adoption agency and asked for more info on birth mom. We slowly were 'told things' by the birth grandparents that were not matching what we had been told previously. We were finding out bits and pieces.

Soon after we started having some of these issues the agency decided to pay for an evaluation.
Basically in a nut shell we were told that the things that were going on with him were normal and to be expected...and we were needed to just give him more love...and because I was pregnant....blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shortly after the evaluation we were told by the agency we were able to finalize our adoption early. The agency had a policy that all older child adoptions (C was 4 when placed w/us) could not finalize until 9 months or 1 yr after the child had been official place for adoption. (I can' not remember if it was 9 or 12 mnths. I thought it was 12..i dont' recall rightn ow). The State of WI has a law that you can finalize after 6 months.

We thought this was a blessing. We were sooo very excited. We were told by the social worker "because my pregnancy was not going so well, the baby and myself were considered very high risk and it was likely we would not be finalizing 'on time' if we waited they wanted us to be able to go fwd. By finalizing we would also be able to go to the Temple and be sealed as a family for eternity. (We are LDS).

This was the first mistake we made in this hole process.

We would have not finalized had we waited the original required amount of time per the agency regulations.

**As I stated in my last post this is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I know that "I" need to get this out. I need to write this for myself. I need to work past these thoughts and feelings. I just need to figure out how to do it w/o driving myself into a hole. Without making myself crazy over the what ifs, the would haves, could haves....

My feelings TODAY....

**I need to just say writing this much harder than I ever expected it would be. There are many memories that I have not thought about in many years. There are many warning signs, problems, and just plain anger that I have not thought about and/or even came close to dealing with. For 9 years this stuff has been stuffed really deep w/in my heart. I guess in a way to protect myself and C.

There is so much that I want to write about. There is so much that I think I need to write about. There is so much I think that needs to be wrote about. The emotions and memories have come flooding foward quickier than I ever thought they would be. I really thought that I would right this - the basics would be told and bla bla bla...

Nope, that just isn't the case. Please bear with me. I will say again this is more for my own therapy than it is for anything else. If on the way I say something that is helpful to someone else along the way - wonderful!! I know how I've searched and read and searched some more to find something...just something that would sing to my heart....something that would say this is normal for you to be thinking and/or feeling!!

There is nothing normal about what we went through. There is nothing normal about what you are going through.

I do believe there is hope. I do believe our kiddos deserve every ounce of help, love, determination that we can give them. And in the end if it isn't enough - than we go to bed at night knowing deep down that we did do what we could. Even though, right now as I right this I know I did all I could. My heart doesn't always think so!!

So..there you have it...my feelings for today!!!

The "First" Phone Call

As I mentioned in the previous post months went by. Grandparents never mentioned to us why or what was going on in this process. We didn't ask. We were getting our updates from our friend K. That was good enough. We made it be known that if it was in their ability, their plan to not parent C after the TPR and he was placed for adoption we would be interested.

I changed jobs in August of 1997. I had worked in retail as a manager for Sears Portrait Studio. The district manager told me that I only needed to loose weight and if I did that I would become pregnant. WRONG thing to tell me!!! I was devastated to say the least. I weathered the storm, found a new job quickly and gave my notice.

I was leaving for work or on my way to work early in September of 1997 and James called me on my cell phone. He had just received a phone call from LDS Social Services.

OMGosh - I remember that day just as much as the day Cor actually came to live with us. It was the beginning of a long year.

The phone call was to clear up a few things. It was to tell us a few things.

The social worker told James that the C's grandparents had contacted him and told them what was happening. They asked that if at all possible that C be placed with an LDS family. And at that point had requested the agency if possible to get on board. Because the TPR was a county/state issue there were not guarantees.

The social worker wanted to know if we were intersted in moving forward. If so he told us what we needed to do. He told us what the costs would be if we went threw their agency. (Considerable less than an infant adoption). Made sure that we knew there were no guarantees and there were big risks.

We told him that we were interested. We would do what it took. We would work with the agency or with the state/county. We were interested. We wanted to adopt this little boy. We had been involved in this little boy's life since he was a year old.

We loved him. We felt that our home would be the best place for him. We were told that because he knew us. Hand bonded (ha) with us and that he would do so much better with us...

So the journey began.

A very long journey.

A very heartwrenching journey.

A very journey that would break my heart over and over again.

So the journey began.

Always a First

There is always a first when it comes to posting on a blog, writing a letter and so forth.

I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.

I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!

You are not alone.

I was not alone.

This is something that I need to remember.

What is the purpose of this blog?

It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.

The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...

Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.

It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.

It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!

:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!