With in a few months it became apparent to us there were some things that just were not right. Everyone kept telling us we just needed to love him more, be consistant, he never had been disciplined before so he was fighting that aspect of our parenting, he just needed consistant love...
LOVE HIM MORE....
Wow was that ever a blow to our hearts. (At least this momma). We loved him more than life itself. We tried to pull our brains over the entire life that had become ours and enbrace it.
We contacted the adoption agency and asked for more info on birth mom. We slowly were 'told things' by the birth grandparents that were not matching what we had been told previously. We were finding out bits and pieces.
Soon after we started having some of these issues the agency decided to pay for an evaluation.
Basically in a nut shell we were told that the things that were going on with him were normal and to be expected...and we were needed to just give him more love...and because I was pregnant....blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Shortly after the evaluation we were told by the agency we were able to finalize our adoption early. The agency had a policy that all older child adoptions (C was 4 when placed w/us) could not finalize until 9 months or 1 yr after the child had been official place for adoption. (I can' not remember if it was 9 or 12 mnths. I thought it was 12..i dont' recall rightn ow). The State of WI has a law that you can finalize after 6 months.
We thought this was a blessing. We were sooo very excited. We were told by the social worker "because my pregnancy was not going so well, the baby and myself were considered very high risk and it was likely we would not be finalizing 'on time' if we waited they wanted us to be able to go fwd. By finalizing we would also be able to go to the Temple and be sealed as a family for eternity. (We are LDS).
This was the first mistake we made in this hole process.
We would have not finalized had we waited the original required amount of time per the agency regulations.
**As I stated in my last post this is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I know that "I" need to get this out. I need to write this for myself. I need to work past these thoughts and feelings. I just need to figure out how to do it w/o driving myself into a hole. Without making myself crazy over the what ifs, the would haves, could haves....
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label pregnancy. Show all posts
Thursday, April 10, 2008
Wednesday, April 9, 2008
Adoption - Pregnancy?
During the year before C came to live with us. We actively tried to conceive. During this time as we prayed about what our journey would be. We always said "if we would get pregnant before Corry was placed with us..we would not move fwd with the adoption".
In August when C came to live with us - we were not pregnant.
In September I saw the 3rd specialist for a 3rd opinion...told the same thing.
I still wanted my baby. I still wanted a baby. I was happy, I loved my little 4 yr old blonde haired baby. But...I still wanted more children.
I made an appt. with the 4rth infertility specialist in 4 years. For our 4rth...opinion.
On November 4, 1998....What I was told at that appt. was basically the same thing as the previous 3 doctors. He gave me a little bit of hope in the options we had. Basically there was some sort of procedure that we could go threw. It would not increase our chances of conceiving vs some one that didn't have fertility problems.
The last week of November I struggled with stomach problems. I had been having severe cramping. I wasn't supposed to get my cycle for another week. December 1st I made an appt. with the PA at our clinic. I truly felt like this was due to the cycle related issues that I had dealt with for severall years.
She insisted on doing a pg test. I insisted that I wasn't pg. The nurse did a urine test anyway because that was just "routine".
The appt. was almost over. The PA made an u/s appt for me to check for ovariann cysts and/or other female related issues. Right about the time I was getting ready to leave there was a knock on the door.
That knock .. changed my life forever.
The nurse said nothing. She took the paper, pointed to a line on the paper and walked out. Penny (my PA) with great shock as she read the papers says "Oh MY G_" She looks at me...looks at the paper.
As she told me that the results were positive and that I was pregant she was fighting back the tears. Of course - there was no holding back tears on my part.
There were tears of joy, tears of fear, more tears of joy and more tears of fear...fear of the unknown.
Penny called the U/S dept back and changed my appt that was supposed to be in 3-4 days. It was changed to be immediately. I was to leave that clinic and go directly to the other clinic across town and from there I was to go directly to the office of the OB specialist that i had seen a few weeks earlier. I remember hearing her on the phoen with him standing outside my room. I knew it wasn't good.
As I called James on the cell phone to tell him I coudl barely get it out. I wasn't able to tell him anything other than....call the agency (who we worked for because we were live in caregivers and needed someoen to be there after the gal got home).
I dont' recall all the events from that day. For some reason I had the u/s and James was with me. But when I actually saw Dr. F he wasn't with me. Maybe he was and he was in the waiting rooom with C. I can't remember.
My appt. with Dr. F was something again...you never forgot. Least I will nto.
THis short little Asian man...told me that he didn't know if I was in the midst of having a tubal pregnancy. My lab work showed that I wasn't "very" pregnant. Yet, my u/s showed there was a 'fetus like formation' in my fallopian tube. He was not convinced that it was a tubal pg. He wanted to "monitor" me and every day we would evaluate the situation.
Deep breathes...That is what I needed. We were sooooo very excited. We were soooo very scared.
I had daily hormone levels drawn. I had 2 u/s a week the first 2 weeks we found out.
One particular Saturday my OB called me from home to see how I was doing. My hormone levels from the day before and that day did not do what he wanted them to do. DAMN!! I will never forget sitting in my living room that Saturday morning...pleadiing with Dr. F to do surgery on me that day!! To end this living hell we were going threw. To end the pain I was in. I wasn't aloud to do anything. I was considered very high risk. I wanted this all to end.
He said "yesterday's u/s showed that the formation has not moved and/or gotten any larger...that is a good sign." he wanted to wait until Monday. Do another ultrasound. If on Monday the fetus like formation in my tube had not moved or disappeared I would have surgery immediately.
Monday came. My little piece of rice....her name is Ms. A and she is now 8 yrs old!!! That formation in my tube was either A: Abi as a fetus or B: a cyst. I wil not go into details because that is not what this blog is about. What I will say is we needed a miracle...we received a miracle. And my did not forget my pleading with him to 'end this now....'. The day she was born as he was taking her out of my belly (c-section) he reminded me (not that i needed reminded) how I pleased with him to end the pregnancy.
Can I just say that not only we were sooo excited. C was VERY VERY excited!! He told 'everyone' how his mommy was going to have a baby.
The interesting thing is...when I actually saw my OB in November - I was pregant.
It is believed that the time I conceived was the same time/week/month that the TPR was final and C was officially placed with us for adoption.
In August when C came to live with us - we were not pregnant.
In September I saw the 3rd specialist for a 3rd opinion...told the same thing.
I still wanted my baby. I still wanted a baby. I was happy, I loved my little 4 yr old blonde haired baby. But...I still wanted more children.
I made an appt. with the 4rth infertility specialist in 4 years. For our 4rth...opinion.
On November 4, 1998....What I was told at that appt. was basically the same thing as the previous 3 doctors. He gave me a little bit of hope in the options we had. Basically there was some sort of procedure that we could go threw. It would not increase our chances of conceiving vs some one that didn't have fertility problems.
The last week of November I struggled with stomach problems. I had been having severe cramping. I wasn't supposed to get my cycle for another week. December 1st I made an appt. with the PA at our clinic. I truly felt like this was due to the cycle related issues that I had dealt with for severall years.
She insisted on doing a pg test. I insisted that I wasn't pg. The nurse did a urine test anyway because that was just "routine".
The appt. was almost over. The PA made an u/s appt for me to check for ovariann cysts and/or other female related issues. Right about the time I was getting ready to leave there was a knock on the door.
That knock .. changed my life forever.
The nurse said nothing. She took the paper, pointed to a line on the paper and walked out. Penny (my PA) with great shock as she read the papers says "Oh MY G_" She looks at me...looks at the paper.
As she told me that the results were positive and that I was pregant she was fighting back the tears. Of course - there was no holding back tears on my part.
There were tears of joy, tears of fear, more tears of joy and more tears of fear...fear of the unknown.
Penny called the U/S dept back and changed my appt that was supposed to be in 3-4 days. It was changed to be immediately. I was to leave that clinic and go directly to the other clinic across town and from there I was to go directly to the office of the OB specialist that i had seen a few weeks earlier. I remember hearing her on the phoen with him standing outside my room. I knew it wasn't good.
As I called James on the cell phone to tell him I coudl barely get it out. I wasn't able to tell him anything other than....call the agency (who we worked for because we were live in caregivers and needed someoen to be there after the gal got home).
I dont' recall all the events from that day. For some reason I had the u/s and James was with me. But when I actually saw Dr. F he wasn't with me. Maybe he was and he was in the waiting rooom with C. I can't remember.
My appt. with Dr. F was something again...you never forgot. Least I will nto.
THis short little Asian man...told me that he didn't know if I was in the midst of having a tubal pregnancy. My lab work showed that I wasn't "very" pregnant. Yet, my u/s showed there was a 'fetus like formation' in my fallopian tube. He was not convinced that it was a tubal pg. He wanted to "monitor" me and every day we would evaluate the situation.
Deep breathes...That is what I needed. We were sooooo very excited. We were soooo very scared.
I had daily hormone levels drawn. I had 2 u/s a week the first 2 weeks we found out.
One particular Saturday my OB called me from home to see how I was doing. My hormone levels from the day before and that day did not do what he wanted them to do. DAMN!! I will never forget sitting in my living room that Saturday morning...pleadiing with Dr. F to do surgery on me that day!! To end this living hell we were going threw. To end the pain I was in. I wasn't aloud to do anything. I was considered very high risk. I wanted this all to end.
He said "yesterday's u/s showed that the formation has not moved and/or gotten any larger...that is a good sign." he wanted to wait until Monday. Do another ultrasound. If on Monday the fetus like formation in my tube had not moved or disappeared I would have surgery immediately.
Monday came. My little piece of rice....her name is Ms. A and she is now 8 yrs old!!! That formation in my tube was either A: Abi as a fetus or B: a cyst. I wil not go into details because that is not what this blog is about. What I will say is we needed a miracle...we received a miracle. And my did not forget my pleading with him to 'end this now....'. The day she was born as he was taking her out of my belly (c-section) he reminded me (not that i needed reminded) how I pleased with him to end the pregnancy.
Can I just say that not only we were sooo excited. C was VERY VERY excited!! He told 'everyone' how his mommy was going to have a baby.
The interesting thing is...when I actually saw my OB in November - I was pregant.
It is believed that the time I conceived was the same time/week/month that the TPR was final and C was officially placed with us for adoption.
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