Broken, Tattered, and Shattered

Those are the 3 words that come to my mind when I think about the last 13 years of our life when it comes to Cor, the system, our experience, our family, the entire situation.

Just a few days ago, I almost said outloud to one of my sweet soul sisters (or txt bc we txt often)  that I am/have been in a pretty good place when it comes to this entire situation. 

I've felt a ton of peace when it comes to Cor and everything that has followed.

Until today.

This weekend my dh received 3 phone calls in 2 hours.  Not one message was left.  None.  He will receive cluster calls from Cor during a 2-3 day time period.  But often, not several in one day.  DH didn't answer them.  He didn't acknowledge it. I got worried.  Three calls in 2 hours?  Could something be wrong?  Could he be ill? 

I turned to FB and did some lurking.  I know that his BM is friends on FB w/his foster mom. I figured out who his FM was bc I could see who his BM's friends were and well...when you only have a hand full it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  Turns out, I was right smack on. I was also smack on that recent supervised visits with BM (per Cor telling my dh about a month ago in a phone conversation) would go sour.  BM/FM are no loner friends on FB.  Interesting. 

Last night, my dh received 2 phone calls w/in minutes of each other from Cor.  The 2nd call there was a message left.  He refused to listen to it.  Said he didn't care.  I can't fault him for not talking to Cor.  And doing so only when he feels like he can.  He is pretty good about not answering calls when our children are awake or around.  It is energy draining for him.  And I accept and understand that.  Cor has only left 1 message in the 2 years since we were 'located' by one of his group home owners.  The last message wasn't a very nice one.  And left both my dh and I in a bad spot.  So I get why Dh didn't want to listen to it.

Today is my day off.  We decided to go into town this morning after the kids were sent off to school. I knew he hadn't listened to the message.  I still said "So, what did Corry want?"  He said "oh, I forgot he called." He listened to the message.

It wasn't Cor. It was his FM. She was wanting to know if DH would give her some background on this kid.  What kind of abuse and from whom he had been abused by.  And if he had ever abused animals or other children in our home.

ARE YOU EFFING KIDDING ME!

Oi!!  We are always happy (or my dh is anyway...and I would be, too) to give any and all information we have on Cor.  We love him.  We've always loved him.  We spent several years giving that chidl everything we had.  We filed bankruptcy twice bc we literally spent every penny and then some trying to get him help.  No amount of anything was helpful.  If by chance, we can share a little bit of something to one of his caregivers now that will HELP THEM or PROTECT THEM or the children in their home OR Cor...then we will do it.

DH had a 30-45 min. phone conversation w/this lady.

Cor is in jail.  Big person jail.  She is giving him 1 more chance and that is ONLY bc he went to respite this weekend and didn't receive his medication and it isn't his fault he didn't receive his meds.  True.  But in all reality, not really.  He attempted to hurt her.  I believe he did hurt her.  Dh didn't give me exact details and I was able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

DH told FM lots and lots of stuff.  As much as one can in a 30-45 min conversation.  I was got out of the car when I knew I was about to loose my shit.  James made some type of comment that he is always amazed at how highly Cor has held DH on a pedestal (true!!!).  And FM said "OMG...I know.  You can do and never have done any wrong in this boys eyes.  He highly respects you and what you tell him.  If you tell him he needs to shape his shit up and xyz...then for the next several days he will try very hard.  Saying "I need to make my dad proud of me".  She then proceeded to tell dh that he has told her that he was abused in our home.  Which she hasn't believed.  But he is adament and consistant about the abuse he endured in our home. 

Fuck.  Really?
This is what I hear and internalize in that comment.

The kid thinks DH can do no wrong and highly respects him.  Well, who the hell else does that lead to have abused him?  Me. 

It is probably best that I not hear that from him.  I might just end up abusing him.  Except for the fact he is nearly a foot taller than I am.  So that wouldn't go so well I'm sure.

I'm amazed that this seems to be the longest foster/treatment placement he has had.  This lady knew nothing of his previous placements in psych hospital that led to RTC that led to being placed in theraputic home.  She knew nothing about him hurting his siblings, nothing about ANYTHING. 

Fuck.  REALLY?
I'm pissed today.
I'm hurt today.
I'm angry today.

I really would love to just run the freeking SW, who is STILL invovled in his care....you know the SAME ONE for the last 10 years....run his ass over.  Seriously, it is probably best we don't ever meet on the street.  He never be a passenger of mine. I would SOOOO leave his ass in a rain storm.  Better yet in a blizzard.  Drive right past him...after I spit my gum out at him.

I know....I'm not very grown up about what I have to say or think or feel.  I'm sure I sound like a whiney ass cry baby having a temper tantrum.  Guess what? I really don't care.  Because that is exactly what I am doing....having a huge freeking tantrum.  And it is all I can do not to call the DCFS Social Worker and give him the riot act. 

He failed this kid.

Again and again and again....

If I went to work and failed to do my job...the state would no longer allow me to work.  If I hurt somoene, I would no longer be allowed to work.  We both have state jobs....and this dumbass continues to just mess it up.

Our family was broken.
Our family was tattered.
Our family was shattered.

Our son was broken.
Our son was tattered.
Our son was shattered.

The system is broken.
The system is tattered.
The system is shattered.

The "First" Phone Call

As I mentioned in the previous post months went by. Grandparents never mentioned to us why or what was going on in this process. We didn't ask. We were getting our updates from our friend K. That was good enough. We made it be known that if it was in their ability, their plan to not parent C after the TPR and he was placed for adoption we would be interested.

I changed jobs in August of 1997. I had worked in retail as a manager for Sears Portrait Studio. The district manager told me that I only needed to loose weight and if I did that I would become pregnant. WRONG thing to tell me!!! I was devastated to say the least. I weathered the storm, found a new job quickly and gave my notice.

I was leaving for work or on my way to work early in September of 1997 and James called me on my cell phone. He had just received a phone call from LDS Social Services.

OMGosh - I remember that day just as much as the day Cor actually came to live with us. It was the beginning of a long year.

The phone call was to clear up a few things. It was to tell us a few things.

The social worker told James that the C's grandparents had contacted him and told them what was happening. They asked that if at all possible that C be placed with an LDS family. And at that point had requested the agency if possible to get on board. Because the TPR was a county/state issue there were not guarantees.

The social worker wanted to know if we were intersted in moving forward. If so he told us what we needed to do. He told us what the costs would be if we went threw their agency. (Considerable less than an infant adoption). Made sure that we knew there were no guarantees and there were big risks.

We told him that we were interested. We would do what it took. We would work with the agency or with the state/county. We were interested. We wanted to adopt this little boy. We had been involved in this little boy's life since he was a year old.

We loved him. We felt that our home would be the best place for him. We were told that because he knew us. Hand bonded (ha) with us and that he would do so much better with us...

So the journey began.

A very long journey.

A very heartwrenching journey.

A very journey that would break my heart over and over again.

So the journey began.

Beginning

James and I were married in January 1994. I was young and relatively immature.

After a few months due to health reasons I was no longer able to take birth control. No problem. We truly felt that if our Father in Heaven wanted to have children we woudl have them. In his due time. If I were to get pregnant than it would be meant to be. If not than not.

After about a year we decided that maybe we should look into why I wasn't getting pregnant. At the time our insurance covered basic infertility testing as it related to my health.

In the spring of 1997 fertility testing showed that I would not get pregnant on my own. Due to how my body reacted to sperm it was virtually impossible for this to happen. We were given the statistics on invetro and artificial insemination. We knew there was no way we could take the risk financially and end up with not getting pregnant or not being able to carry the baby to full term.

At that time we contacted LDS Social Services and began looking into adoption. Their policy was 10% of your income with a minimum of $4000 (for infant) and maximum of $10,000 (for infant).

Because we were not financially in the spot to go foward we put it on the back burner.

During all of this time a very good friend of ours was doing daycare for a little boy from our church. At one point I also did daycare for this little boy. The little boy was left shortly before he Christmas the year he was born - 1994. Just a few months old his birht mom left him with Grandma for a few weeks. During which time his grandparent received full custody of him. Over the next 3 1/2 yrs - this little boy lived with his grandparents. His birth mother in and out of his life. In and out causing more chaos than anyone could ever imagine.

We became friends with his grandparents. Including this little boy in our life. We took him quite a few weekends. We took him to family gatherings. We became attached to this little blonde haired little boy.

We were told by our good friend K that this little boy's birth mom was going toh ave her parental rights terminated. The BM also had another chidl who had been born (around 1997ish..same time this was going on) who was taken away at birth because mom tested positive for drugs.

One day while we were at church I pulled this little boy's grandma aside and told her that we were told by K that a TPR (termination of parent rights) was in order. We would be interested in finding out more information and possible adopting this little boy...this little boy's name is C.

Grandma told me that it would be a long haul. That the process was just beginning and that it wasn't for certain. I remember that day very vividly. I remember putting my hand on her shoulder and saying "Sister E...if it is meant to be it will be...I just want you to know that James and I are infertile. We will be adopting and we would love to find out more information".

We left it at that.

We still celebrated C's 3rd birthday with him as if he were our own child.
We took him to have his pictures taken - I was working as a photographer at the time so that wasn't to hard.

Months went by....

MONTHS (at least what seemed like MONTHS) went by....