I sure do...

love the attachment therapist that we saw w/Corry.

It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.

One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.

We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.

From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.

I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.

Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.

Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.

I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....

If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.

And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....

The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....

If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.

Be Still My Soul

A few days ago Diana posted the following lyrics in a comment to this post.

It is a song that I often hum the words to while working. Actually this song and several other hymns...especially "I Stand All Amazed" and a few Primary songs.

Regardless...in case YOU need to hear this as I did...here it is.

"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897

1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.

2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.

3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.

4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

because....

I'm lazy....

and didn't really realize which blog I was posting to....
because I was doing airline searches at the same exact time....

I meant to post THIS here. So instead of reading it all right here....

Feel free to HOP on OVER to MY other BLOG and read my latest post titled...

STILL SEARCHING

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And.....

I'll add this here. I found "another" REALLY cheap flight. If I could leave on Thursday morning.
I can't. I can't be in Milwaukee and on an airplane on Thursday at Noon. I just can't. There is no way possible that I can miss my "quarterly" pick. Doing that would mean I would seal my fate of the next 3 months of my work schedule and probably land myself in the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. And as appealing as the break might be some days....I've btdt and I don't care to go back...

Truth is...

I had a long post wrote out and I lost it and now I'm pissed.

So here is what it is in reference to.

More later.

Read this great post skim down the comments and you might find mine. And in a day or so after I've thought some more about doing this. I will let you know how it is going (or not going).

Weakness

I just had a fight with a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
It's okay.
I won and ate the enemy.

(FYI: I'm not joking...seriously...ate the hole darn box)

humph!

I have titled this post several different things.

I've started it.
Deleted it.
Re-started it.
Deleted it.
Re-titled it.

Nothing seems to come to mind.
Nothing seems to stick to my thoughts.
Nothing seems to really make sense.

So many thoughts swirling around.

I was challenged (well kind of) to think about/research what others do surrounding rituals surrounding grief.

This is my problem with doing this.

The type of grief and loss that has plagued my heart is not normal.
It isn't something that can easily be googled.
It isnt' something that comes up when doing a google search.

When a prospective mother/father suffers a miscarriage, there are support groups.
When a prospective mother/father suffers the death of an infant/child, there are support groups.

The grief surrounding a disruption is soo incredible different than any other type of loss.

Professionals don't really get it. Sure they might try. But unless they have actually lived it themselves they just don't get it.

In my house/family the way of life to deal with it has been to be silent. If you were to walk in my home you would never know that we had at one point in time, 3 beautiful children. There are no reminders that we were parents of 3 children.

My husband has talked more in the last 2 weeks about the impending loss of one of our children in our home more than he ever talked to me about the loss of our child that we adopted. Sure it could be that it is just a different situation all around and is easier to discuss.

All that continues to come to my mind lately....

~~It is what it is...Until it isn't~~

And I guess, until it isn't....I will just keep on keeping on. Somehow, somewhere, find some sort of peace and closure with something that has never had any closure.

Healing from a Heartbreak caused by R.A.D.

Recently, like today, I felt a very strong need to bring up Nancy Thomas' website. It isn't something that I look at often anymore. Because, well you all know, we don't live 100% in the depths of R.A.D. and the affects that it takes on the caregivers. (I actually, mean the MOM's).

While I actually had a topic in mind that I didn't find; I came across this article.

Sometimes our Father in Heaven gives us that gentle nudge that we need. I received it this afternoon/evening as I made dinner. "look up Nancy's website" And so I did.

I needed to read this article today.

You might need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who do need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who I wish I was sitting in the house next to yours..where I could get up off my fat butt and come give you a hug. Just because...I could. Oh' how I wish I could give S and S and each of their children (if they wanted me to) a hug today. How I wish that I could cry those ugly tears that I know you've cried 0r maybe you don't have any left in you. Oh' how I know I've been there. It sucks. Really I know it does.
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This week marked an anniversary for me. I say me because my dh doesn't acknowledge and/or remember them. It is no small wonder that I had a complete and udder meltdown in the drs office. It was a brand new dr. One I've never met. One I really needed to be on my side, to refill a rx that I'm out of. Instead, I fell apart. Like REALLY fell apart. I mean...REALLY (did you get that...REALLY). So much so that I told him (in a few words or less) that not only was he wasting his time but he was wasting my time. Then I did something I never thought I would have the balls to do. I got my fat butt up off the chair and walked out.

Today as I looked at the calender and realized what the date was today. What the date was this week. What it signifies. It is no small wonder that I actually made it to work 4 out of 5 days scheduled. Really. It truly is no small wonder.

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I might more later on some of my thoughts, feelings, frustrations.....

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Until then...my dear bloggy friends who are struggling. PLEASE know that you are each in my prayers!!