Sunday, December 27, 2009

more on "the story" to come

It has been several months since I wrote about ...the journey...our story...and how we came to disrupt.

Sometimes, in this journey you have to take a break. That is exactly what I've done.

I'll be leaving off w/ the "after" Dr. A's appt. I believe that post was in June or July....

Friday, December 4, 2009


In sharing openly about our disruption over the last 3 years and the reality of the sorrow, grief and heartache in our lives our family has made connections in real life and online that I would have never believed possible had I not shared our story. As I've shared our story, I've done so reluctantly. Yet, have known beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is our story and in my doing so I have provided myself some healing along the way and hopefully help someone else along the way. The connections are something that are almost always invisible to the naked eye. It is a very powerful and yet felt so strongly with in my heart.
I've been blogging about our story for about 18 months on When Love was Not Enough. Prior to that it was here and there and our journey to adopt again on "The Story of our Life".

Over the last several months there has been a change in my blogging. Fewer posts. Fewer thoughts. Partially because, the pain and grief are still there. Some days on that very same level. And yet, I've said the same thing over and over the last year or so. As I've stepped away it hasn't been for lack of 'something to say'. More-so the lack of something positive to say. We are walking down a new journey w/a new little one in our home. As I attempt to form a bond and find our new normal with a child who has special needs, work full-time in a very stressful - physically and emotionally demanding job, I've found myself at a lack of positive things to say.

Yet while sharing our story I am so amazed at how many people have this sort of connection. People/Mothers who have emailed me and/or posted with a simple "you get it...I get it..." I treasure those connections and at the very same time my heart aches so incredible deep for each child, each indidvidual, each family....most of all for each MOTHER.
I've recently read on another blog someone describe death/heartache as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain. Yet, those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (even though, the may not it most of the time). Some are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't truly empathize in the same way because they don't know the depths of the heart ache and how it feels. I have found this within my own family.

My heart hurts when I hear of others walking down the same path. I often wonder if I would be as understanding, if the ache I have would be on the same level that it currently is, if I had never experienced what I have. I mean really...I have read (not recently) blogs of adoptive parents who are so incredible against disruption <rightfully so>, but if I had never walked this path myself.....would I be as compassionate as I am? Would my husband and I been as willing to accept this child we have in our home w/o judgement of her adoptive mother?
Over the last few years I've learned that deep down in my heart of hearts...the sympathies and hugs that I had before going through our disruption were so much more empty. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was, as I knew it...going through infertility, hoping and dreaming of the family I would one day have.
Now when I offer words of support, comfort or extend a brings a whole new meaning to my words and the depth of my hugs are more heartfelt. I'm often at a loss of how to explain what I am truly feeling. Putting it into words is often a task all of its own, thus the somewhat reason for the lack of blogging on my part.
I am not alone when it comes this kind of heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that they brought into their home for whatever start a family, complete their family, because they fell in love with their picture on a website or visit to an orphanage, whatever the reason...there are families everywhere. Not always do you know it.
There is an invisible connection that keeps myself and other mothers/families tied together. It breaks my heart to think about not only those families but more importantly - the children affected. For whatever reason it may be. I am reminded often that my experience connects me with others and may even encourage others. I find myself often praying silently for those who have gone this painful route in their adoption journey.

I don't believe that I will ever fully understand the purpose of this sort of pain and heartche this side of Heaven. Somehow, I'm sure there can be good that will come from this as "I" trust in my Father in Heaven and allow him to work on me through others and vise-versa. I know that my heart has been softened as I've recently read a fellow bloggers journey. As her faith has remained strong. My faith has faltered greatly. I am open and honest that part of the falter in my faith is directly related to the individuals with in my church family who were apart of that hurt along the way. Yet, deep down in my heart of hearts..I know that my Father in Heaven is not at fault. He knew before our son even joined our family what the outcome would be. For that, I have to say, I am not greatful.
Not sure that I made any sense or that I even followed any common theme so to speak as I wrote this post. I don't even know that I accurately conveyed my true and deep thoughts. I know that this draft has been in the works as I've tried to convey my thoughts. I'm tired of looking at it in my drafts. So, conveyed correctly or it is.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

~~Gathering My Thoughts~~

I've been composing a post over the last few weeks.  It is saved in my 'inbox' drafts.  I'll continue to keep it there.   I came close to finishing it today. 
My heart is heavy.
My thoughts are heavy.
My grief is heavy.
My love for my new "foster" daughter is heavy.
My love for my bio chidlren is SOOO heavy.
My frustration in general is heavy.
I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks. 
I've had a hard time gathering my thoughts.

In the meantime, I hope and pray that each of you are having a great holiday season!!
Sending my love