Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Channel Your Anger

A few days ago I posted on my other blog a “story” (or link to a story) from Angie.  Check it out – Patience and Pottery is the name of it I believe….


This is something that I’m thinking about doing – seriously.


In brief Angie took a very pretty white pottery pitcher and smashed it.  She then piece by piece hot glued it back together.  It was in a sense a way to “Channel her Anger” at the same time feeling the spirit as she put it back together piece by piece.  Taking a look at the path her life had taken her down and so forth.


I’ve thought about this a great deal.  I’ve even woke up in the middle of the night thinking about “what piece of pottery” I could break. I don’t have anything.  C broke what I did have.  I just don’t have a “lots of pretty’s” so to speak. 


I had my psychologist suggest that I break something(s) a few weeks ago when my PCP found the lump in my breast and then how the chain events took course over the following 2 weeks.  I personally thought she was crazy.  I personally thought “wow…those pregnancy hormones must have her really off kilter”.  LOLOL…  She wasn’t crazy.  What she had to say really made sense.  It isn’t in my personally to do something like this.  Yet, what I’ve been doing isn’t really helping. 


So what is my point? 

My point is..I need a way to channel my anger.  I need to do something positive with the negative.  I feel like it is eating me up inside.  Yet at the same time I’m afraid to even begin. 


My last therapist I had suggested that I “channel my anger” into something positive.  When I think about C’s bd, anniversaries of important dates, and all that other crap that is hard…I need to turn it into something positive. 


I’ve got a something in my head I’ve been thinking about for a few years.  I really deep down want to do.  They ONLY person who knows what I’ve been thinking about doing is my husband.  Part of it is going back to college, earning a degree.  The problem is the “degree” that I want to earn – scares the living chit out of me!!  Not the actual “job” but the “getting” the piece of “paper”.  I suck at math. I suck at English. I suck at many things related to education.  I’ve got common sense. I’ve got the concept.  But if I have to “do math” in order to get a degree well….there might be an issue.  J


Anyway…just some random ramblings from me today.

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

Free Cycle

I'm all about FREE things. I'm all about finding the best deals one can find.

So when I came across (or heard about) FREE CYCLE...I thought "I should check this out".

Less than 24 hrs after joining FREE CYCLE we have a new LARGE (I meann VERY LARGE) cat tree!!

I didn't set out to "find" a cat tree. Just happened to muddle threw 600 posts from the last week and what would you know it is now mine.

Monday, May 26, 2008

Back in the Swing of Things...


I've thought several different times about the 'need' to continue writing this journey in my life.

Truthbe told -I've reallly struggled the last few weeks.

On all aspects of life. In regards to C, current situations/life and so forth.

It was a year ago this month that we (my dh and I) decided we needed to "stop" our journey in adopting again. We needd to look fwd in figure out "how" toget past some of the hurdles in front of us.

Truth betold...

I did MUCH MUCH better w/the loss of C when I was focussed on adding to our family. I will say that in NO WAY did I look at adding to our family as a way to "replace" the loss of C in our life.

I've just been in a funk. Talking/writing about this "part" of my life has been hard.

As you might have figured out by now (if you have been reading since I started this) that our adoption ended in disruption. After 8 yrs (several of those years C was either in RTC or Treatment Foster home...) we could no longer do what we needed to get him the services he deserved, protect our children at home...

For the time being this blog will take a "turn" will be more of a a theraputic way for me to write about what I'm struggling with now and so forth.

If you want "specifics" and so forth on what happened before I get a chance to write it...ask me. Post a reply...

In the mean've read what I've said.. :)

Friday, May 16, 2008

Doing Better

The last 2 weeks have been absolute heck in my house. For me emotionally and physically.

The "unknown" sometimes is harder to deal with than the "known".

The known is that I do not have B.reast C.ancer. I dodged a bullet. A big bullet. The type of t.umor that I have (had) is rare. It has been a very long time since my doctor as had a patient w/this particular type be benign. So...I'm lucky!! Very lucky!!

I'll start posting more this weekend....I hope

Wednesday, May 7, 2008

Bit of a Break for Now

I'm taking a bit of a break for now in the writing of "Our Story". Due to some impending 'medical' issues.

Now with that being said...

If you know me and know me will also know that I could be back to blogging the next year of our journey tmw.

Right now I'm trying to wrap my head around the possibility that I have the big C word. I know that I need to "not" think worse case scenario until I am faced with accepting it. However, that is much easier said than done. Given the "weeks" events...I am really worried. It is really about to do me me in!!

If you want to follow what is going on currently w/me please check out my main/other blog Story of Our Life

Friday, May 2, 2008

Phone Call from Principal and Calls to the Police Dept.

I will never forget the morning I received this 'particular' phone call from the principal. The night before was absolute hell. The actual events are somewhat blocked from my memory. I do know it was cold and snowy.

We had a rule in our house (from the very beginning) that if you are going to scream and rage than you do it outside (or in the garage). Not in my house!! If you couldnt' keep an inside voice than you needed to go outside. Especially when there are sleeping babies.

This particular day C came home from school w/a cold. From the minute he walked in the door after school there was a tornado. The path of destruction this child went on that night was horrific. Hell, he was asleep by 7pm that night because he had done nothing but rage nonstop for 4 + hours. During that time I took him outside. As we did EVERY time. I called the cops. The officer that came gave him a "talking to". Sure...whatever works.

Next day I get phone call... I had been laying in bed crying because I was sooo emotionally and physcially drained. I dind' tknow what to do. I had called the asshat relief. No help. Mrs. T says she understood that C had a bad night the night before. He was sick. He was coughing. He went to the office 10 mi. after getting to school because he was "sick" when they talked to him about coming home from school he told them "Well, I'm sick because of my mom.." The principal talked to him more indepth. He was sick because "his mom made him sleep outside". Yep..>I sure as hell did....hmmm...10 degrees and 2 ft of snow. Dang. I was outraged when she told me this. She said to me "G, I know you didn't make him sleep outside. I know that x..y...and z.... didn't happen. I know he is making false accusations. He does it every day here at school. However, the accusations he is making today I can not let go. I have to call DCFS...." My heart sank. What about my babies.... She then says "I need you to do me a favor. I need you to call them first and tell them what is going on. Demand to speak to someone. Demand a response. I am a mandated reporter and I have so many hours/days to report this. You call first. This way - they will know that you are aware of his antics. You are asking for help... I want to help your family. I want to help you protect your babies. " Thank you Lord!!

So I called....
Asshats took a message.
So I called later in the day.
Asshats took a message.
So I called the principal. She adviced me what to say/do.
So I called back 1o min. later and said "NO..>I will talk to a social worker immediately..."

I don't know if she ever called. I suspect she did. We never heard anything from asshats in re: to that particular complaint re: C.

The scheduled an appt. with me for a MONTH after I called them. This is not some BIG county. I'm sure if I ddn't call and the school called first they would have been down my throat like flies on $h!t. Instead they took their fancy dancy dumb @$$ time....

Dec. 30 is when I met w/them!! By this time I had called the 911 at least once a week for about a month or more. The same officer would come every time. He would give C the same lecture everytime. He even started to lecture me. I would just say he needed to contact D.CFS. That we had called them and go no where.

My appt...consisted of them giving me the name of someone for respite. Yep and we had to pay her. We had to transport this hellian 40 min. away, pay her $40 AND give her spending money and then go back to pick him up. He went twice. The 2nd time....was the beginning of a very long ending...

Next post... Psych. Hospitalization....

This post may be tmw. It may not be for a few days. All depends on how I'm doing. Read my STORY of OUR LIFE to read about what is going on right now with me. I'm scared. I'm mad. I'm having all kinds of emotions that are just completely overwhelming!!

Start of 2nd Grade

The school district decided it would be best not start the year with an IEP. Because my inlaws had llied to us. The reports we got from the school in Utah were conflicting - we went w/o IEP. We had a behaviour plan and permission to restrain and/or physically remove C from the classroom as needed.

With in a few short weeks of school starting he was receiving 100% of ALL the services that they could offer. At the first of several IEP and other meetings the principal said to me "I am not sure how you do this. My heart truly feels for you. Please know you have 100% of my support". She was one of VERY few people who didn't say "this is your need therapy...what did you do..blah blah blah". Thanks!! I really needed that.

We contacted the social services offices for "help". We did the "intake" and were told someone would be in contact. Sure they would. Asshats. (just so you the reader...asshats is my common name of this agency).

Then we decided or I should say "I" decided...that I would start calling the police department. My husband worked an hour away. If I needed him home it would take him a MINIMUM of 90 min. to get home. My mom was about an hour away and several times she did come in an emergency as back up.

Ms. A was 3 yr old. She cried hysterically every single day that I left her at the christian preschool she ewas going to. I received calls weekly/daily from her teachers w/concerns. The Head Start teacher decided that she would start picking her up in the days she went there because she would scream until she vomitted and this would be "easier" for her.

There was lots of screaming in our house from 3:15pm - 10pm M-F and all weekend long. During the day when C was not home - Ms. A was content. Mr. B nursed and slept very well. He rarely cried. In the evenings -- both of my babies cried. Hell, I cried more days than not.

Something....somewhere...needs to give!!

He's Home...What Next

We had somewhat of a plan in place before C came back home. We lived in a small town. Small school and so forth.

Two weeks after C came back home I woke up on morning having contractions. I had already been told by my OB under no circumstances should I labor. I had a planned c-section for Aug. 12th and that was going to be that. We lived an hour away from the hospital I needed to go to.

Well, needless to say that was the start of a very long summer!! My labor was stopped and I was sent home to be on bedrest. Lovely...I have a 2 1/2 yr old and 7 1/2 yr old, I'm 30 weeks pg, my husband works and hour + plus away....and i'm on bedrest.

That didn't go over very well.

C honeymooned w/us for a very short time. Then was back to his "normal" self. I was somewhat shocked. My inlaws were so convincing that C was doing great with them. I called the school to get reports, IEP and speak to the principal and teachers. Hmmm...we had been lied to beyond belief. This child was not doing well at all!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We decided that we needed to start calling the cops every time he would rage or hurt someone . If we didn't then we were setting ourselves up for problems. We got him in w/a psychiatrist who didn't think I was the problem. (My mom worked with him and he was fully aware of our situation) We also had him in therapy. Not the same therapist as before. I think (my mind is playing games w/me...I can't remember 100%) we had a few appts with her. But because she was in Madison and we were an hour away - pregnant. It just wasn't good match for us.

We lived through the summer. Our baby was born as planned at the VERY FIRST prenatal visit and blessed us with his sweet presence via c-section on Aug. 12th. He did not have down syndrome. He was 100% healthy. (Ultra sound detected DS features as did labwork) Our prayers were answered!!!

School started 2-3 weeks later. WOW....did things go backwards fromt here. They were going backwards. But not until school started.

More on "Our Story"...

Last that I posted in regards to "Our Story"...we were living in LV and Corry was in Utah w/my inlaws. We moved backk to WI because "I" missed my family. I was pregnant. I was homesick. Our marriage was falling apart.

So we moved back to WI. James started working at the UW Hospital 2-3 days after we moved back, we got our health insurance back right away, we lived w/my parents for a few months and started all over to speak.

On our way back to WI we went by my inlaws to see Corry. While there I noticed some "odd" things in their browser of their computer. At Christmas I had noticed this. However, played it off as my "college age BIL". Even told my husband that his brother was having fun on his parents computer. We joked and that was it.

About 2 months later one evening I got a phone call from my MIL. Not the call you want to receive. Especially in an LDS Family. My MIL and SIL had discovered printed internet porn pictures in my FIL's computer desk. Actually, it wasn't "his" wsa the "family" desk.

The next few months were a wild roller coaster for my MIL, my son, my husband....

His father who had left his brother's wedding a year earlier because there was alcohalic beverages being served...

His father who had been a Branch President, Bishop, High Priest, baptized each of his 6 children, father to his 5 other siblings, grandfather to 5 grandchildren and the 3 on the way.... The same father who damned my husband for falling away from the gospel before serving his mission. The same man who in so many aspects of his life was the "Perfect Morman - LDS" man...was a farse!!

This was devastating to my husband. He still doesn't talk about it. What did happen is he completely lost what testimony he had....

It didn't just stop at the internet porn. When my FIL was 'only disfellowshiped' for his actions.."
He took it upon himself to write a letter to the stake presidency and the general authorities stating he knew his actions were cause for ex-communications. Not only was he into internet porn -he was gay.


It didn't end there. Since he left my MIL (she wanted to try and work threw it) she was now a single parent to her grandson. James and I didn't like this idea. My FIL told us that 'we' needed to support my MIL because now she didn't have his income. She was caring for our son and now we needed to pay her an additional $1000 a month on top of what we were already paying them.


I blew a gasket. If they were both together and came to us and said "his needs are far extending out fiinancial means..blah blah blah..." we woul dhave considered it. But because he decides to come out of the closet and not be a responsible husband...NOPE...NOT GONNA do it!! You can be a man and support your wife of 35 yrs. The mother to your 6 children!!

So after much prayer we decided that it was in Corry's best interest to come back home. We had been told by them for the entire time he was with them that "Corry is doing great. He does well in school, ect ect." So in May after he was finished with school my mom got on a train and went to Utah to get Corry. James' job didn't allow for him to go. I was 28 weeks pregnant and told that I couldn't leave the state. So my mom went and brought him home.

He was sooooo glad to come home. We missed him so much. He was sooo glad to be with Abi.

So we start this journey on a new page...

Next post will be about "what our plan" was in order to "make things work out"....