Sunday, December 27, 2009

more on "the story" to come

It has been several months since I wrote about ...the journey...our story...and how we came to disrupt.

Sometimes, in this journey you have to take a break. That is exactly what I've done.

I'll be leaving off w/ the "after" Dr. A's appt. I believe that post was in June or July....

Friday, December 4, 2009


In sharing openly about our disruption over the last 3 years and the reality of the sorrow, grief and heartache in our lives our family has made connections in real life and online that I would have never believed possible had I not shared our story. As I've shared our story, I've done so reluctantly. Yet, have known beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is our story and in my doing so I have provided myself some healing along the way and hopefully help someone else along the way. The connections are something that are almost always invisible to the naked eye. It is a very powerful and yet felt so strongly with in my heart.
I've been blogging about our story for about 18 months on When Love was Not Enough. Prior to that it was here and there and our journey to adopt again on "The Story of our Life".

Over the last several months there has been a change in my blogging. Fewer posts. Fewer thoughts. Partially because, the pain and grief are still there. Some days on that very same level. And yet, I've said the same thing over and over the last year or so. As I've stepped away it hasn't been for lack of 'something to say'. More-so the lack of something positive to say. We are walking down a new journey w/a new little one in our home. As I attempt to form a bond and find our new normal with a child who has special needs, work full-time in a very stressful - physically and emotionally demanding job, I've found myself at a lack of positive things to say.

Yet while sharing our story I am so amazed at how many people have this sort of connection. People/Mothers who have emailed me and/or posted with a simple "you get it...I get it..." I treasure those connections and at the very same time my heart aches so incredible deep for each child, each indidvidual, each family....most of all for each MOTHER.
I've recently read on another blog someone describe death/heartache as an invisible knife that one carries in their heart forever. Those who carry it within often sense it and can relate to others who share this same pain. Yet, those who can't 'see it' sometimes press up against it and make it worse (even though, the may not it most of the time). Some are suddenly made aware of it, but at the same time they can't truly empathize in the same way because they don't know the depths of the heart ache and how it feels. I have found this within my own family.

My heart hurts when I hear of others walking down the same path. I often wonder if I would be as understanding, if the ache I have would be on the same level that it currently is, if I had never experienced what I have. I mean really...I have read (not recently) blogs of adoptive parents who are so incredible against disruption <rightfully so>, but if I had never walked this path myself.....would I be as compassionate as I am? Would my husband and I been as willing to accept this child we have in our home w/o judgement of her adoptive mother?
Over the last few years I've learned that deep down in my heart of hearts...the sympathies and hugs that I had before going through our disruption were so much more empty. I have come to learn how my hugs and sympathies were so much more empty when life was, as I knew it...going through infertility, hoping and dreaming of the family I would one day have.
Now when I offer words of support, comfort or extend a brings a whole new meaning to my words and the depth of my hugs are more heartfelt. I'm often at a loss of how to explain what I am truly feeling. Putting it into words is often a task all of its own, thus the somewhat reason for the lack of blogging on my part.
I am not alone when it comes this kind of heartache and loss. There are people everywhere who have stories and memories of loved ones that they brought into their home for whatever start a family, complete their family, because they fell in love with their picture on a website or visit to an orphanage, whatever the reason...there are families everywhere. Not always do you know it.
There is an invisible connection that keeps myself and other mothers/families tied together. It breaks my heart to think about not only those families but more importantly - the children affected. For whatever reason it may be. I am reminded often that my experience connects me with others and may even encourage others. I find myself often praying silently for those who have gone this painful route in their adoption journey.

I don't believe that I will ever fully understand the purpose of this sort of pain and heartche this side of Heaven. Somehow, I'm sure there can be good that will come from this as "I" trust in my Father in Heaven and allow him to work on me through others and vise-versa. I know that my heart has been softened as I've recently read a fellow bloggers journey. As her faith has remained strong. My faith has faltered greatly. I am open and honest that part of the falter in my faith is directly related to the individuals with in my church family who were apart of that hurt along the way. Yet, deep down in my heart of hearts..I know that my Father in Heaven is not at fault. He knew before our son even joined our family what the outcome would be. For that, I have to say, I am not greatful.
Not sure that I made any sense or that I even followed any common theme so to speak as I wrote this post. I don't even know that I accurately conveyed my true and deep thoughts. I know that this draft has been in the works as I've tried to convey my thoughts. I'm tired of looking at it in my drafts. So, conveyed correctly or it is.

Thursday, December 3, 2009

~~Gathering My Thoughts~~

I've been composing a post over the last few weeks.  It is saved in my 'inbox' drafts.  I'll continue to keep it there.   I came close to finishing it today. 
My heart is heavy.
My thoughts are heavy.
My grief is heavy.
My love for my new "foster" daughter is heavy.
My love for my bio chidlren is SOOO heavy.
My frustration in general is heavy.
I've been off work for 2 1/2 weeks. 
I've had a hard time gathering my thoughts.

In the meantime, I hope and pray that each of you are having a great holiday season!!
Sending my love

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

So much to say...

so little energy to do it!!

That is about where I'm at these days.

Cor's never really far from my thoughts and prayers.

Yet, I've had to push those thoughts under the surface more than I care to admit. Otherwise, more and more, as we get closer to the Holidays...I will be more of a mess than I already am.

So much to say.....just not today.

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

I replied

to the Blogfrog thread.

I did not link my blog.
I don't have the energy right now to fend stupid comments right now.

Note to Cindy

Thanks for your comment (please see previous post and the comment section).

I will post on Blogfrog to the hollier-than-now-pain-in-my-ass parents who have never been there, done that, still have the tear stains to prove it.

Just can't do it today.

Seriously, can't do it today. Maybe later tonight. Right now, though...I can't.

My heart hurts to friggin much. My tear stains are to deep.

There's a reason for it. One that I don't feel 100% comfortable placing on my blog right now. Maybe later when I can gather my thoughts and put them in a sensible manner.

Regardless, Corry, his momma, Ms. N and her momma...could use some prayers.

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Humbling? Hell NO

This morning on the Today Show there was a segment re: a family who disrupted after 18 months of having their baby w/them.

I will not judge this family. I will in no way say "yes they did the right thing or no they did not". I have not walked in their shoes 100% and I can not say what was right for their situation.

What I can say is that THIS article by Natalie Morales was rather upsetting to me. S'rsly...there is nothing humbling about this experience. As a mother of 2 biological children, 1 adopted, and currently 1 foster child....there is not an ounce of what going threw a disruption is like that can be compared to comparing your "everyday parenting mother" to a "mother who disrupts".

There is not a day that goes by that my heart does not ache for my son.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't fight back tears.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at our 5 yr old and think how heartbroken her mommy is.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't look at my family and think "Damn things shouldn't have turned out this way."
There is not a day that goes by....

It wasn't humbling.
It was heartbreaking.

Friday, August 28, 2009

Just some thoughts 4 tonight

11 years ago this weekend...we received that 'phone call' that changed our lives forever.

11 years ago this weekend...we received that 'phone call' that made us parents to the cutest lil blonde hair'd 4 yr old ever...(of course I'm biased)

3 yrs ago last weekend...our parental rights were terminated to that little (well...not so little) blonde hair'd boy that changed my life forever....

Bitter Sweet.


Bitter Sweet.

Friday, August 21, 2009

3 Years...

Several months ago Christine posted on her blog. 
She spoke volumes to me that day.  She may/may not have know it.  But she did.  At a particularly tough was the hug my heart needed.  There have been many days since that day in January...I have went back and re-read that post. 
Tonight, 3 yrs to the day after our disruption was finalized....
I went back and re-read the post!
Because heart needed to read it.  To know that someone else gets it. 
So often in my life, as it is today...many people don't know about our disruption.  Earlier this week I had contact w/some women who didn't know we had another child.  As I started to mention became painfully obvious that it wasn't something that A: could be understood and B: could be discussed...becaus of A.  Both of these 'incidents' occured with people who know we have 3 children at home. 
I'm often asked how many children I have. (My new work schedule has brought me in contact w/a TON of co-workers I've never had contact with before). 
Do I answer "2 biological and 1 foster"? 
Do I answer "3 children w/2 @ home and 1 foster daughter?"
Do I answer "I have 2 boys and 2 girls - 1 of the girls is a foster child?"

When a comment is made about the loss of a loved one.....
Do you answer "I've btdt..."
Do you just nod and know in your heart..."that this person could NEVER understand the extent of your heartache..."
These are all things that I still struggle with.  These are things that every single day go through my head...over...and...over...and..over!!
Then, like today...I am also reminded that not only 3 yrs ago today was I officially marked in the court system of the State of ___..I am no longer Cor's mom.  I am also reminded that 11 years a few short days..."I became a mom to this very same child..."

Wednesday, August 19, 2009


This morning I saw this picture on the Livesay blog  ( ) .  For some reason it really struck a chord with me and seemed so fitting - for me, for specific family members, friends, ect ect....
How often have those who live near me, talk to me often, ect ect... heard me say "I knew this ____ would be hard...but I never knew how hard"  or for "how long"....
My morning kind of sums up 'how long, how bad, how frequent'.  I know that there is end insight.  Just like the Livesay's know that maybe tmw will be a better day.  As I left work this morning I truly had a defeated feeling that this is never going to get better.  What in the same hell have I got myself in to?  As I drove away from Metro - I saw a bus here and a bus there and the more city busses I saw the more I truly was able to remember the end is in much closer than I could have ever imagined.  
This picture holds true to so many situations in so many of our lives.  Things we knew would be tough.  But 2, 3, 4 years later we find ourselves thinking "wow...I didn't know...."
Anyway, that is my speil for the morning.  I'm off to take a nap...I hope! Before returning to work this afternoon.  Sometime in the next 30 min. I fully expect 3 little children (well they aren't that little anymore) to come barging in the door, full of life, full of noise, full of everything....and then my attempt to take a nap will end.  But, that is okay.
Because I knew having children would be a challenge. 

A CHALLENGE that I am soooo greatful I have been given the opportunity to have!!
Love, Gala 

Wednesday, August 12, 2009

Happy Birthday Bryant

Seems like just yesterday my baby boy entered this world. 
He isn't a baby anymore.
He is full of life.  So very full of life.  He was healthy.  He did not have any chromosone defects as we were told he would have.  He was ALL mine..

He is loud.
He is gentle.
He recently got his ear piereced.
His favorite color is pink.
He put on one heck of a show this evening at Texas Roadhouse. 


Here are some more pics...of some flowers....
Love, Gala

When I stand before God at the
end of my life I would hope that
I would have not a single bit of
talent left and could say,
"I used everything you gave me."
~Erma Bombeck

Tuesday, August 11, 2009

Happy Birthday Abigayle

10 Years ago today my life changed forever!!!
I can not even begin to describe the joy and wonder-ment that filled my heart the very second that my surgeon/obgyn said "You have your girl..." 

We didn't know that Abigayle was a girl.  I did know that I did not want anything with having a boy.  I had adopted a little boy the year before who hated me and didn't want me to be his mom. 

As my obgyn sewed my big belly back up, he kept sayiing "you are just fine Gala.  There is no need to cry.  You need to stop shaking.  Are you cold?"

I was shaking because the very moment so much changed.  So very much at that very second.  The tears were tears of pure love and excitement.  The shaking was just the same.
My baby had struggle.  Thus, an emergency C-Section.  She was crying. She had good Apgar scores.  She had a great deal of vernex (coating) still left on her.  The questions of 'how premature is this baby" were swirling before she was even taken out of that operating room and fear of is she okay started to sink in.  However, nothing left me prepared for what was going to happen over the next several moments/hours/years....

Nothing mattered.  Not a dang thing.  My baby girl was here, she was breathing.  She was full of life. 
I wish I had the time this afternoon before going to work to find the CD of my very favorite pictures.  I have 3 pics that truly explain so much that were taken those first few moments/hour of her life.  I will find the CD and maybe post them tonight when I get home from work or tmw...
What I will say is this...

One of those pics my mom had blown up into an 8x10 the by 8am the next morning.  If ONLY she knew what was going threw her baby girls mind as she blew that picture up...
As I laid in recovery holding by newborn baby girl. Making eye contact the first time.  I was overcome by some pretty strong feelings.  Feelings of love, most definately.  But feelings of pure and utter hatred.  Hatred towards the people who hurt my son.  S' I looked at her and cried it wasn't tears for her but for him.  How anyone could give birth to such a wonderful spirit and then hurt them the way that he had been hurt.  I haven't shared that moment with many people.  Today, I still think about that moment. The moment that I tried envisioning what it was like for my then 5 yr old son, when he entered this world...I mourned that loss for him. 
As the weeks and months followed.  We loved on our precious little girl.  Her big brother loved her so very much.  He still does. I know in my heart that the bond that he had w/her was the very first true attachment he ever had.
Regardless, that day forever changed who I am. 
check back tmw or the next day as I will try to post pictures.  It is my goal to do a photoshoot w/my kids tmw.  hahaha we will see how that goes.  :)

Regardless....we shall see.



Saturday, August 1, 2009

Addition to Our Family

It is late and I really don't have the energy or time to re-write this post.

Please visit "MY OTHER BLOG" (click on link) to see what I'm talking about..

Monday, July 27, 2009

Broken Heart

~Someone asked me if I missed you~
~I didn't answer~
~I just closed my eyes and walked away~
~I answered~
Three years ago this month and more specifically this week our disruption was final in the eyes of the state of Wisconsin. 
Some days it seems like forever. 
Other days it seems like it was just yesterday.
Some days it seems like the anger and frustration and pain will never fade away.
Other days all the anger, frustration, and pain seem so distant.

I've not quite figured this crap out and I'm sure that isn't my mission here on earth. 
What I know is...
It just plain SUCKS~

Friday, July 17, 2009

Aftermath of Dr. A's appt

Basically, Dr A's appt with me was to tell me/us her thoughts and what her report was going to be.

She was not reccommending this child return to our home. Ever. he be placed in Residential Treatment Center and told us it would be severa months/years before he would even be considered able to live in a family setting. She said over and over she did not think he shoudl return to our home because of our 2 younger children, their ages, and what they had already had happen to them.

It was now time for Dr. A and the county SW to find a RTC in our state to take Cor. He was young. It is very hard to place children this young.

We made our visists to the psychiatric facility he was in from March to May. In May he was moved from the psychiatric hospital to an RTC.

We spent a great deal of time on the phone with the intake coordinator of this RTC and the SW. I had gained respect for this man. Was greatful to have someone who seemed to be on the same page as my dh and I. He seemed over the phone to get it...

When we showed up to the intake...drop off....we were surprised to find out that this SW/Therapist at the RTC - was no longer going to be Cor's primary therapist/SW....the person whom it became....was fresh out of college, no children, not married....(she was older but still very little experience and DEFINATELY didn't have experience w/adopted children).

This women...still gives me nightmares.

Saturday, July 4, 2009


~~finally came!!

I am so incredible excited and scared all at once.

I recevied the call I've been waiting for for a VERY long time yesterday while my family and I were at Six Flags Great America...

"Gala, are you still interested in going full time?"

HECK YA???  Why would I turn it down?  S'rsly...why?

I have been to hell and back w/this job the last year.  I truly have lived threw a hazing of sorts.  I've weathered the storm, been found worthy to advance!

There is so much more I want/need to say about this.  However, I've been busy. 

What better way to celebrate this new job promotion (trust me it is HUGE for me) than to be at Great America w/my family.  We were just about to get on the 2nd ride of the day when my dh's cell phone rang.  When he handed me the phone I nearly died.  I stood in line, screaming like a maniac that I am after I got off.  My daughter and dh knew....  James just smiling from ear to ear.  My in shock. Trying not to cry. 

I know it will not be fun and games. I know that the training for full time is just as intense as it was for full time.  However, in the end - life will be so much nicer.  The financial stabilty that this will bring to our family is enormous.  The health insurance...omgosh..the health insurance!!  100% PAID coverage after a $37.50 premium PER month!!  Currently, we have state health insurance. It is governered by how much $ my family makes. If I make to much I looose it or have a $150-200 copay.   State retirmenment and benies to the hill...

I'll write more later.  In the meantime, I am going to enjoy my family and last week home as a laid off part time employee for the City of M....  (I am working part time somewhere else since I was laid off a few weeks ago...)

:) Happy America Day

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Therapy Appt with Dr. A - w/myself

This post will be short and not so sweet.

Dr. A's reccomendation was that Cor not return home.
In her report she did not exactly put that. However, she did put she refused to release him to a residential home.

From M_ he would go to a Residential Treatment Center. Finding one was the hard part. One that could meet his needs. It took a little while.

During my meeting with her we discussed the extent of Cor's illness. Because of his age, she could not truly dx him with what she truly felt was going on. Let's just say it was a rather depressing day.

This was the 2nd professional telling me my son should never return to live with me.

What had we done?
What had we gotten ourselves into?

There is so much more that I could write but will not because emotionally I just can't go there. Most of it I have blocked out of my memory. Not sure why.

What I know it was the beginning of some of the darkest days/weeks/months/years of my life.
What I know is it has defined a part of me that some might say is the new Gala...


I've been asked over the last year or so to think about who I was before all this transpired, who the person I would like to be, ect ect...

Someday I might write about that. What I will say is that before this experience I did not deal with depression in the way that I do now. Heck, I didn't even really know what it was to be brutally honest.

I'm writing this for me. If along the way it helps someone - GREAT!! But in the end this is for me. I don't really know what I want to get out of it. Maybe it is to look back and read when I'm all done and be able to believe that we did everything we could. I don't know the answers. I really don't.

30 Days Inpatient...30 Days Outpatient

Just as Cor spent 30 days inpatient. He spent exactly 30 days outpatient.

They were by far the best 30 days we ever had with Cor. Seriously with all my heart I can say that. Often, I have went back to those 30 days and tried to figure out what it was. Why was it so good? What happened on that 30th day?

I don't remember to be honest.
I truly don't remember.
I remember it was a Sunday.
I remember it took me several days to go into his room and clean up the horrific mess that transpired.
I remember telling my husband "pick up the phone...this is going to get ugly real fast".
I remember Cor raging even more when he heard me say that. Panic set in because he knew what was going to happen. He knew that a rage like this would end him back in the hospital. He tried to calm himself down. He couldn't. There was something about him that night that truly made me realize how incredible sick my son was.

Officer Ron, oh' our lovely Officer Ron....showed up. Ron is such a gentle giant. He took one look at Cor, myself, our 7 mo old baby who was terrified and screaming, our 3 yr old who was just as terrified as her baby brother. Looked at his squad car and Cor and said "Put your shoes on were told the next time I came to your home I would be leaving w/you. So, we are leaving. You will not rein terror over your baby brother and sister. I was told about your last stint. I am not backing down. You are going back to M_"

He escorted Cor to the car and then came back into the house to talk with us. He apologized for the disorderly conduct charges he had to place a few months earlier. Telling us how he knew that the fine was going to hurt us. But his hands were tied. Whatever. $750 was the ending result of that fine. You know much of it did this young child pay? Not a you know.

Ron got our information, what happened, what had transpired over the previous 30 days. We made it very clear that "our child was different" when he came home and something snapped that day and he was back to the Cor we lived with.

Cor never lived at home again 'officially' after that day....

Next: Dr. A's recommendations during a therapy appt w/myself..

Psychiatric Hospital

~it isn't something you want to experience. Trust just don't.~

The following day we were contacted by the psychologist assigned to Cor. We were contacted by many different people. There was the emergency detention or whatever the heck you want to call it was set into play. The beginning of a really long road.

We went to visit that day. I am not going to go into detail about the emotions or lack of from Cor. Truthfully, I don't remember. It is something that I have blocked out in my mind and over time have tried to remember and reproccess what it is like to visit your baby in such a place.

I've been to other psychiatric units before. My mom was a psych nurse for many years. I remember visiting her at work many times. Nothing and I mean NOTHING compared to this place.

Old. Dirty. Run Down. Depressing. Old. Dirty. Run Down. Depresing

This hospitalization lasted exactly 30 days. It was an insurance thing. Dr. A, who was/is a VERY VERY LOVELY young lady, who honestly believed we were doing all we could for our son, who believed that I was not the reason for the problems. That I truly did love my son.

You don't know how huge this is. You really don't.

Regardless, my heart was still torn to see my son this way.

There were med changes. There were this and that and then this and that and so on and so forth done.

He came home. I was petrified. I had no choice. One of the last thing that Dr. A said to me was "I'll see you soon, my hands are tied..."

See us soon..indeed she did.

NEXT: 30 days inpatient...30 days outpatient

Wednesday, July 1, 2009

~continue on...Officer finally comes

After the Officer comes and things seemed to calm down, the reality of what had just happened started to set in.

The young officer (same age as I am. I later found out he was a classmate of my step brother who is 1 grade level younger than I am) seemed rather clueless. It was very clear that this young man was truly not aware of what/how to handle this situation. I mean, sure he knew what to do - calm the household, make sure my infant son was ok, make sure that mom was not going to loose her cookies, ect ect.

I made if very very clear that Corry would not be staying in our home that evening. I didn't care where, what, how he was removed...he would be removed. His behavior had escalated to the point that my children were no longer safe to be around him. He had hurt his baby brother.


This evening was a very long..oh my word...long night.

The Officer did not want to admit Corry to the psychiatric hospital. He called the oncall social worker - remember the one from the night before...remember the one that was assigned to us...remember the one that thought charing this 8 yr old with disorderly conduct was the answer to the problem..brilliant. Simply brilliant, right? NOT

I spoke to T.C. I made it very clear that SOMEONE would be leaving my home and it WOULD NOT BY MY INFANT SON AND THREE YEAR OLD. He didn't want to admit him. It wasn't the answer to the problem.

I remember very vividly telling him "What the hell is the answer to the problem? ME? You think that my dh and I are the problem? You have a problem. You have a LARGE problem...b'cuz if this child is not admitted to psychiatric hospital TONIGHT and he hurts or breaks ONE MORE THING you will have the largest lawsuit of your life on your desk asap. This is not a threat. It is a promise. He should have been admitted last night. Officer Ron told us he wanted to admit him. You did not want to deal with the paperwork and the headache it would cause. Now, a 5 month old has been hurt by his brother because YOU didn't want to do YOUR JOB. Oh' and BTW...if you don't admit him you will need to have ME and my INFANT son admitted!!!".

This went on for several hours. S'rsly...several hours. It was after 11pm that night when the officer and my son left my house. My son had fallen asleep on the couch. He had forgot 'why' he was leaving by the time he was leaving. As the officer walked out the door, for the 110th time he said "Are you sure you want to do this?"

No dumb ass I don't want my son to be admitted into a psych hospital. However, it NEEDS to happen in order to get the help he needs. With tears running down my face, a 5 mo old attached to my breast, and a 3 yr old crying in her daddy's arms...we shook our head yes....


Six years I write this my heart is just as heavy.
The tears are just as thick....
The pain is just as raw....
The guilt is just as heavy.....
The what if's continue to rack my brain...
The if only's are just as many...

Sunday Cor turned 15 years old. I had a blog post in my head, actually have had for several weeks. I didn't have internet because we had just moved. Quite honestly, I can't go there.

Happy Birthday (belated) Corry...I only wanted what was best for you...that was all I ever wanted. I wanted you to have a mom and dad. I wanted to be your mom. Your dad wanted to be your dad. We love(d) you with every fiber of our being. We will always love you...


Next Psychiatric Hospitalization...

Monday, June 29, 2009

We're Moved and Thanks

First and foremost..thanks Christine for the bumble ball. We received it today.  I'll be muddling threw the boxes to find batteries.  I'll post more in a day or so when I can/am able to.  My internet is rather shabby right now.

The move was long, daunting, tiresome, painful, and well just plain hard.  Hard physically - to be expected. 

Hard in other ways. Hard in that not only was my bd on Saturday - Cor's was Sunday.  I have had a blog post in my head for sometime about "Cor's bd".  I didn't have internet access yesterday, was in to much pain to go to the library to write it, and well....emotionally just didn't need to go there. 

I could s'rsly use some prayers.  Life has taken its toll over the last several days/week.  To top it off I hurt my back on Saturday.  Lifting something that I had no business doing.  However, I had enough and wanted things DONE...NOW!  I hurt it, I felt it and am currently REALLY feeling it....I saw chiro today, will tmw...and hoping/praying for some relief...


More in a few days when I'm feelin' better...I hope.

Thursday, June 25, 2009

Next day...

after the disorderly conduct charge.

It wasn't a real pretty site at our house. I was tired. I was spent. I had..had...enough of on going raging. This child should have been removed from our home the night before and he wasn't. The officer said so himself. His hands were tied. He couldn't have him admitted to a psychiatric facility w/o the county social workers approval. Because the oncall sw (again...who happened to be our sw assigned to us) was the asshat that he is/ didn't happen.

It was what ended up being a rather late night.

Church that morning was tough getting to. However, we went. All 3 kids in tow along with both of their parents.

I spent a little time discussing privately w/our branch president the night befores events. The 1st councelor was our home teacher. I also had a conversation with him. He made it very clear that we needed to call him or or the branch president asap when these rages happened in order to keep our other children safe. They provided their love and support. Little did they know what the day was going to hold.

We came home from church and there were many things that needed to get done. IE: Clean up from the rage filled child who destroyed our lil duplex home the night before. I didn't mess it up. I was not going to clean it up. So, Cor's job was to clean it up.

His food of choice would be PBJ until it got cleaned. I did not feed him breakfast. He was big enough to get his own cereal and that was the max of his choice for breakfast that morning. I made it very clear to him that I would not do anything for him until he cleaned up the mess for me. So that is what he did. Only at a snails pace.

To test me/us on our "PBJ diet" there was one thing that needed to be cleaned up. I said nothing. He had his list. He checked his list off. He choose to piss on his bed, write on his walls, hollar obscenities at me from his room or where ever it might have been he was at in the house that particular day.

At dinner time. We had a very nice meal. The crockpot had been cooking all day. His stuff was not cleaned up. Therefore, the pbj - carrots - milk - bread were all available for him to make himself his dinner. I didn't care if he ate 1 bite or had the entire loaf.

He didn't eat. He wanted what we were eating. Tough. You should have done the stuff you were told to. Remember...I didn't make this mess and I wasn't going to clean it up. Clearly, dinner was set at a certain time and you knew it so...your choice. Not mine. Long time until breakfast my dear son...

Sound cold? Probably was. You need to remember, if you have never lived with a child who rages hours upon hours upon hours a day....the sarcasm, synical, side...sometimes is just all you have to keep your sanity.

It was around 6pm and the raging had been going on for about an hour. He had one chore left to do. Until it was done I was not having anything to say/do. I stood my ground. We did not get caught up in his triagulation.

Ab (3 at the time) had just finished her bath. I had just put her in her jammies when he started in again. I will never forget my babies words as I was trying to fight the tears. Something she had said for 18's ok okay...i love you!! I had nursed Bry (5 mo) and laid him down on the floor. Cor had not tried to hurt Ab or Bry since coming back from my inlaws. He was very protective. They got hurt in fits of rage occasionally. However, for the most part - they were not the target of his rages and so forth. (Ab was earlier on about 20 months before and later on).

I laid Bry down on the floor in the living room. I decided I would gentle go into the kitchen and remind Cor that he was almost done with his chores. He had one thing left to do. He could decide how long it would take him. It was all I could do to not yell or loose my cool. Gentle whispered in a soft voice (as he was yelling and screaming) that I loved him, was proud he had taken the day to clean his mess, thanked him for taking the responsibility to do so....

and then it happened. Not like any other day or moment of our life. happened. It is a moment in my life where I reply the what ifs over and over...what if I wouldn't have went and talked to him. Did that set him over the edge even more?

As I walked out of the kitchen Cor picked up the dinning room chair and threw it at me. Only he missed. Missed in a really horrible way....the chair landed on Bryant. Not a small chair by anymeans.

Cor raging even more at this point. I'm about to loose my cool even more so at this point. Baby screaming bloody murder. My dh about to loose it on Cor. S'rsly...I took Cor by the arm and told him he needed to stay in his room...handed my dh the phone as I called 911 (usually we just called the non emergency number for our town) and instructed my dh to GO OUTSIDE. I locked myself, Abi and Bry in our bedroom. Bry was hysterical. He was okay. But hysterical. I picked up the phone and called our HT...he was at our house in less than 3 minutes. As I made the choice to leave my babies in the bedroom with him to go deal with Cor - who had know torn the entire living room, his bd apart in a fit of rage...he was upset he hurt his brother. He should be damn it. I made him go outside. I could not have him screaming in the house w/Ab and Bry. They were traumatized enough. officer shows up....not Officer Ron...but a classmate of my brothers.

Sunday, June 21, 2009


I owe a HUGE...HUGE..Thank You to Sarah!
A few nights ago after going in and out in the rain searching for a BUMBLE BALL I send an email out to some folks that I thought may or may not happen to have a bumble ball laying around their house, be out and about and see one...
Low and Behold Sweet Sarah...posted my request on her blog.  I was going to do the same on my blog but needed to re-word the request.  The last few days have been crazy busy. After Mr. Mailman came yesterday we took the kids to "Little Amerikka".  It was a blast.  They have safe and fun carnival rides. Nothing like Great America but something a tad cheaper and well...TONS of fun for our children.  Because my dh and the little gal we do respite for (who is now living w/us 5 out of 7 days a week) can't go on all of the rides I really liked this place since we could buy 'less expensive' bands.  My thoughts/plans were to post this last night.  It didnt' happen. I got home and was dog tired after chasing 3 kids all over the park, riding rides, having my leg get caught in the Rocket/Bullet ride and well...that is another hole post in and of itself. 
Then this morning I had to work ( I didn't realize it was Sunday when I volunteered. I thought I was volunteering for Saturday.)  Oh' was fun and I can use the extra cash right now. 

Regardless, my heart felt so incredible blessed to read 2 different emails from Sarah of people who are willing to pass on their bumble balls.  I know that N will truly love this. Not only will she love it but it will bring MANY hours of entertainment for her. Her momma sent a back massager that vibrates.  She literally wore out the  batteries for it this week. (Now..I do believe that my 6 yr old who has significant sensory proccessing issues - was also part of just sitting and holding that massager.)  So not only will the little gal we are doing respite for get use out of it - so will my son. can't know how incredible blessed I felt when I read your post. 

This is what the blog world is for. My dh might shun me, he might get mad at times.....but it isn't all bad!!  It is mostly good!!

Love Ya!! 

When I stand before God at the
end of my life I would hope that
I would have not a single bit of
talent left and could say,
"I used everything you gave me."
~Erma Bombeck

Friday, June 19, 2009

Disorderly Conduct

.....that was the result from us calling the cops. Basically, when we made it be known to Cor that mom was on the phone with 911 he went from being completely out of control to being even more so out of control. I can still, 6 1/2 yrs later, remember the scene at our home.

We had a pretty standing rule in our home (still do) that screaming, raging is not aloud in the house. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry. I do not allow it, nor will I. If you choose to scream and hollar at me, if you choose to not be able to talk to me in a rational manner, w/o your voice raised so much that it causes your newborn brother and 3 yr old sister to cry....YOU MUST go outside or to the garage. (In the winter = garage).

This particular night Cor decided after finding out i was on the phone to take off. Whatever. Take off. It is -10 below right now and you will not get far and BTW - officer will find you in about 2 seconds.

I had made up my mind that this was going to be the last phone call. I had had enough. This child is sick. He needed help. Lots and Lots of Help. Help that we were not able to provide for him at that very moment.

Cor bolted out the door. He decided that peeing on the house was the thing to do. Pee on the house. I don't care. Really, I don't. I stood on the patio, on the phone, with his coat in my hand. He refused. Screaming and raging. Throwing rocks and snowballs at the house (January). If peeing wasn't enough, Cor decided he was to hot and took ALL of his clothes off. As I was attempting to move him from outside to the garage (and still on the phone w/dispatch) he would have nothing to do with it. Seconds later Officer Ron (our beloved Officer Ron) pulled up. THEN and ONLY THEN did Cor decided to quiet down, go in the house - only I wouldn't let him. He needed to go into the garage and dress himself. Officer Ron agreed.

It was a very long night. A night where Officer Ron could see that this child truly needed help. A night where the Officer clearly tried to get him help. There was only one problem, the on-call social worker for the county (who just happened to be the SW assigned to us...whom I had been requesting help for a couple of months and being told was to busy...) didn't want to be bothered. In my not so ever humble opinion.

The Asshat Social Worker had a GREAT solution:

Charge the 8 year old with disorderly conduct.

Have I mentioned b4 that I truly have a great deal of resentment, hatred, pent up anger towards this person? Some day I'm thinking I will get to the 'current/end' side of this story and you will hear even more why I can't stand this person.

Charing an 8 yr old with disorderly conduct only does ONE THING....

Hurt the parents check book.

Thursday, June 18, 2009

Where I left off...

I left off somewhere in the midst of Corry being placed in a psychiatric hospital. I had contacted DFHS and got no where. The school was backing us 110%. They saw the extremely disturbed side of this child. They were living it along side of us.

Our plan for when we did bring him back home to live with us, is we needed documentation. Lots of it. We had a psychiatrist who kind of got it. The positive thing was his problems were not because of my lack of willingness to bond w/him (we had previously been blamed for being the problem...or should I say I...I...I WAS BLAMED) was a sigh of relief having a pdoc who saw Cor for who he was and include me in the factor.

Heck I don't remember if I wrote about what got him hospitalized or not. I'll...start...there for now....

DFHS was able to offer us our cost. They told us of the person. We called her. We set it up. We provided 110% of the transportation. We provided her with $20 PER HOUR plus $$ to do fun things with....

Are you familiar with children who have Reactive Attachment Disorder and are going to DAY respite or respite in general??

Let's just make sure I get my point across....


To say I was quite resentful of having to provide this chick with $$ to take my son out to eat, movie, some other form of FUN when he had bit me, threatened to kill his family members (and tried to hurt them), had pissed all over the house....resentful was an understatement. HUGE one as a matter of fact.

But we did it. It was all we had. It was a huge financial burden for us. We didn't have an extra $100 laying around. Heck $100 could do wonders for our family for a fun outing.

After going to respite Cor would come home and be 110% worse than he was when he left for the day. We tried to make the day special for our 3 yr old. A break from her brother. Yet, he would come home and talk about all the fun things he got to do like go to the McD's playland, zoo, ect. He would then demand we go do these things with him all.the.flippen.time. He begged to go to her house. He only went a handful of times because things went from bad to worse when he started going to her house.

Cor was obsessed with deer. In a very sick manner. He would draw pictures. Elicit (sp?) pictures. Anywhere. On his sisters wall and then deny he did it. WTH..she is 3 she can't even write her name let alone a picture of a deer who was shot and had blood dripping from its head....s'rsly...I'm not stupid...that was drawn on his sisters wall one day.

One particular Sat. after picking Cor up from respite he insisted that this lady let him shoot a deer. We let him know very matter of factly that we knew he was not telling the truth, that kind of lying and/or story would not be tolerated and if he continued to feel the need to talk this way he could do so in his room. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry. He raged for the following 20 minute ride home. He screamed and wailed. We never believed him. We didn't love him. WHy didn't we just let him live with this lady. She loved him. She took him fun places. She was the good guy...we were not.

We arrived home only to have this battle continue. We did not engage him. We let him fabricate his story on his own time, in his own space...

it didnt' work so well.

Our night ended w/us calling the cops. As he raged unmerciful. Things were damaged. Things were pee'd upon. Life was not good in that evening.....

....more later. I just received a phone call from the missionaries. They are coming over for dinner = unexpected = me ordering pizza cuz I don't have dinner planned and our left-overs will not feed 2 young college age men....

Back to "our story..."

I was going over the posts from the last year. I knew it has been a long time since I actually wrote in sequence or tried to about "Our Story..." and how we came to be where we are at.

So, for now I will try and pick back up where I left off. Some may be a repeat. Some may not be.

Our life is a bit crazy the next few weeks. Regardless, I'll attempt the best I can to 'write'.

I am hoping this can be a form of therapy for me at this very moment. As our (Mine and Cor's) birthday's roll around the corner -it always ends up being a rather hard time for me.

Anyone who has followed this blog for any amount of time may/may not know that I'm a bit all over the place emotionally some times....

Tuesday, June 16, 2009

My Bithday.....His Birthday

As a new mother of a newly adopted bright eyed, blonde and full of life 4 yr old....

I thought it was very cool that my new son and I shared birthdays.

Now nearly 11 years later...

I think the whole birthday sharing is a piece of crap and it truly brings a great deal of heart ache and a great deal of saddness.  

Things That Drive Me Crazy

We are doing respite for a little gal. She will be with us most likely until the end of summer...

Some things that drive me crazy and remind me of what full-time rad-ish life is like....

*"Can I go potty?" (there are issues w/her being in the br by herself. She tends to do naughty things. Tends to go to the br many times during a 10 min. period. So..not always do we let her go on demand as it is just a ploy..) "Yes, you may go potty". Not even 30 sec later the toilet flushes. DH goes into the BR to find her pullup on the floor - peed.

She peed her pullup. She is completely potty trained. Has a medical disorder that can create the need for pullups. However, the medical issue has not been present since Thursday night.

UGH...just craziness. I know it shouldn't drive me crazy but it does.

*"I'm sorry for dumping my sippy cup out" I thought she meant for spilling it on me when I strapped her into her carseat. She repeated it. I looked in the rear view mirror to find her DUMPING the cup into the cup holder of my sons booster seat. I grabbed the cup (only had water) and whipped it out the window. My dh is a little pissed about that one. My thought was "natural consequence" and it was the only way for me to 'relieve my frustration' with out verbally taking it out.

NON RAD Children drive me crazy when they don't take care of their crap.
Non RAD Husband....well that just goes for the course.

I'm on my 2nd 'official' day of summer break. I will be working. However, about the same hours before. I'm not used to being home with my children 24/7 and add a 3rd child full time to the mix....

I'm dead tired and it is only the end of day 2....


Thursday, June 11, 2009

Prayers for a Friend and our Family

If there are any lurkers left out in the blog world ~ I would like to ask for some special prayers and thoughts sent our way.

Without going into a great deal of detail or information....We are 99% sure that we will be doing long term respite for a 5 yr old. The roles are being reversed at this point. While we have been doing respite for this child quite regularly since last fall - it appears that she will live with us for 5 days and go back to mom for 2 days.

This isn't something that has come easily. For us. For this childs mother. For anyone. However, at this point it is in the best interest of everyone in this childs family that there be a break.

We've been there. We've worn these shoes. It isn't something that is easy. It is heart wrenching. As a mother I had failed my child. The difference today vs when Cor was first placed in his long(er) term respite home in another state is that we know this child and family. We didn't know Cor's family. We were referred to them from our therapist.

This isn't going to be easy. It will change the dynamics of our family. While providing the nurturing and support that this child needs, we also need to support the emotional needs of our family (and myself).

There are also some big changes happening in our family. My 9 (almost 10 yr old) is going away to 2 week long camps. She has never been away from home...let me repeat...never been away from home. At the end of the first week of her first camp (she leaves on Father's Day) we will be moving. Not far. Just stressful.enough.

The move means new school in the fall.

We also have been struggling with our 6 yr old regarding retention and so forth. The specialist we saw today basically told me that I need to write a letter regarding this issue and send it to the superintendant (sp).

My job ends on Friday morning. I will be working for another company during the summer for 6 weeks. However, sporadically.

There are a lot of things on our plate right now. Nothing that we can't' handle. Nothing that isn't positive.

Just in the realm of things and of life having a 3rd child on a full time basis, who has a severe medical issue, and rad, just means we need a little more patience, little more love, little more of everything to give out...all the while trying to provide as much normalcy as possible for our 2 children.

Prayers for this childs mother would be great as I know her heart is truly breaking this evening. Prayers for our family as we enter this transition.

It is in the Lord's hands. Our Maker is the only person who knows what the future holds. He is the great and mighty healer. He can and will administer to the hearts and souls of each involved. Having faith is something I soemtime (often) I've just had to give it all over to my Father in Heaven.

Prayers please...lots and lots of prayers!!!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Baby Showers

I was invited to go to a baby shower this weekend.

I can't go because of a girl scouting commitment that I have for my daughter.

Even though I want to go it is best that I can't. Even though I am sooo incredible happy for the "Mother-to-Be"....something about it just stings...

I grew up, in church with this sweet lady. She is my age, single, and adopting a newborn baby....

I am soooo very happy for her and was soo elated when I saw her mom a few weeks ago and she told me. Yet, my heart really aches. The realization that I will not have any more children - birth or adopted stings!!

I know several people that are pregnant or adopting and I'm really struggling, all over again with those infertility 'issues'....

ReDEFINEing Normal

In the days and weeks after Cor's first hospitalization into the psychiatric hospital, I wondered if life as I knew it, before adopting a child with severe mental illness would ever be the same.  The days turned into weeks.  The weeks turned into months.  The months have since turned into years.  I am still wondering what my life was like before this....

Many days and hours were spent redefineing what/who our family was.  It was a journey that I didn't not set out for.  Believing was not about seeing.  Faith was not about reaching.  Flying was not about wings.  It was about believing that this was my life.  It was about redefineing what my faith was based on.  It was about bandaging the wings that I had, savoring what was left and learning to fly with those battered wings, again and again...

In the months and years since our family went from a family of 5 to 4 and in the light of the severe emotional toll it took on myself and marriage it seemed to redefine us and be the only thing on my heart and mind so many days from the moment I woke and until the moment I closed my eyes. 

Some days the pain was so (is still) so all consuming and intense it was all I could do to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, make myself presentable and be the mom that my two children at home still need(ed).  There have been many days where I couldn't imagine that the pain and sorrow would ever become less than it was at that moment.  That I would ever be able to feel normal ever.again.  There was a part of me that finding thestrength to press on and redefine what normal was, would be forgetting about what normal was as a family of 5.  By redefineing what normal is supposed to be would be saying 'it is okay to live without him in our home' and to me that isn't okay.

As the days, months, and years have passed, so has the fading memory of that 5th person who used to share our home.  A few years ago as we ventured into adding another member to our family, our dreams were once again shattered.  Truth betold, we are no closer today, than we were in May 2007 to adding a 6th (or 5th depending upon how you look at it) to our family.  Redefineing the thought that I am and always will only be mom to 2

It has been nearly 3 years since the finalization of our tpr.  It has been 3 years since I heard his voice.  It has been 3 long, agonizing years.  Truth is, many days are normal.  Truth is, many days are heart wrenching.  Truth is, today....yesterday.....I am pissed that we ended up having to redefine life as we knew it...

.....and truth I think that!!

Friday, May 15, 2009

Please Be Gentle

I read this poem on a blog today.  Even though my loss is so much different than this sweet families loss....

In some is very much the same.  I just thought this was a very neat poem and really touched my heart today.  I guess, missing that blonde haired young man lately more than I care to admit...

Please Be Gentle

Please be gentle with me for I am grieving.
The sea I swim in is a lonely one
and the shore seems miles away.
Waves of despair numb my soul
as I struggle through each day.
My heart is heavy with sorrow.
I want to shout and scream
and repeatedly ask 'why?'
At times, my grief overwhelms me
and I weep bitterly,
so great is my loss.

Please don't turn away
or tell me to move on with my life.
I must embrace my pain
before I can begin to heal.
Companion me through tears
and sit with me in loving silence.
Honor where I am in my journey,
not where you think I should be.
Listen patiently to my story,
I may need to tell it over and over again.
It's how I begin to grasp the enormity of my loss.

Nurture m e through the weeks and months ahead.
Forgive me when I seem distant and inconsolable.
A small flame still burns within my heart,
and shared memories may trigger
both laughter and tears.
I need your support and understanding.
There is no right or wrong way to grieve.
I must find my own path.
Please, will you walk beside me?
- By Jill B. Englar

Thursday, May 7, 2009

Thankful Thursday Perspective

During a time of bailouts, pointing fingers, econmic trials that we are going threw today, I want to list some things that I'm thankful for.  Instead of all the negative things that are in my world, swirling in my head, my job, in everyday life, I would like to praise my Father in Heaven, because of who He is and what he has done.  It is so easy to point plame and shout from the trials and tribulations and question our faith. 
I need to bask in the undeniable security that I have a Father in Heaven, who loves me, who hears my prayers, and the steadfast knowledge that the circumstances have not and will not take Him by surprise. 

Today, I just want to be. 
Today, I just want to be mindful of the blessings that I have in my life. 
I am thankful for my children, and their precious (sometimes) smiling faces that greet me each and every evening upon my arrival home from work.
I am thankful for my husband who tries so diligently to keep our home in order.
I am most thankful for today.. another breath, another joyous moment, another day of life that I don't deserve.
I am thankful for my parents, and all of the support they bring to our family.
I am thankful for the frogs that I heard driving down the road this morning.  It was such a wonderful sound.
I am thankful that in the midst of chaos, if I allow him to, My Father in Heaven will hold my hand and my heart.
I am thankful that I have such wonderful and supportive friends, even though I sometimes drive them nuts and they do me.
I am thankful that I am alive and able to work.
I am thankful that for the experience we had to parent Corry.  For without that experience, I would  not have the heart and compassion I do today for children with special needs.
I am thankful for my Father in Heaven who never gives up on me, even when I have given up on myself (and Him).
I am thankful that I have the security of knowing that no matter Father in Heaven will be there for me.

Take a moment to listen to this link:  What a Wonderful World

Monday, May 4, 2009

ALMOST there...

Because I am taking online courses at the college, I can/am ending my classes earlier than other students. I believe that most students attend class until around the 19th of May.

Last week I finished my accounting class.  Considering I failed nearly every single test, only receiving about a 50-60%, I will end the course with an 85% which is a B or C (not sure right off hand).  You know what...I don't really care!! I passed. I did learn something.  It helped that I received 100% on nearly every homework assignment.  I have about 5 assignments that I could fix the errors on and I have the ability to retake the tests that I failed, with the highest grade being the one that is counted.  At this very moment...I don't care. I passed. I passed with a rather 'ok' grade. I don't strive to get straight A's.

My typing class, it is a rather advanced class.  My goals the instructor set were/are very high.  I started the class the week after I punched the car in Feb. trying to 'not get hit'. (didn't work very well..I still got hit by the car).  I have a scar on my left wrist from the so called therapy that the I endured. I stopped going to the therapy because I was sick and tired of leaving with blisters.  plain.cut.simple.and.dry.  According to the therapist - it should have got 100% better. As soon as the therapy stopped, the pain came back.  Basically, I have pretty significant tendanitis in my wrist. Not sure what can/will help with it.  My typing class required I type a MINIMUM of 200 PERFECT lines p/week.  If I made a mistake in that sentence, I had to redo it.  That was just to get a "D".  To get an "A" for that week I had to type 280 lines or more.  Every single week, with the exception of last week, I typed 280+ lines.  I still got an A for last week's assignment because I emailed her and told her "I just can't do it anymore."  I have 3 more days till the last assigment is due.  I will end up with a B in the class I believe. Maybe an A. Who knows. It will see how lienent she is. I've not increased my words per minute by 10 words so it will be interesting to see what happens.

The last class I am taking. I will most likely end up with an A, maybe an AB. 

Regardless, I'm DONE DONE DONE!!

I can't say I will return in the fall.  My intentions on going to school this year were a few differnet reasons.  Mainly to get general ed requirements so I could return to the University.  Not going to happen. I will be honest and say - I am giving up on the thoughts that I had.

I can only hope and pray that I will be offered full-time between know and August....REALLY PRAYING!! Not only for the financial reason but a few others that I don't care to go into right now.  Maybe another day, another post.

Saturday, April 25, 2009

April 21, 1999

~~~we finalized our adoption for Corry.

April 22, 1999
~~~we were sealed for eternity in the Chicago LDS Temple.

April 23, 2008
~~~first "When Love was Not Enough" post.

This week we received a phone all (my dh did) from the new SW at the new residential facility where Corry was recently placed at. A few days later Cor called him.

This evening, we received a phone call from the phone number of the last placement. The person who initially contacted us back in January.

My daughter answered the call. The person on the other end hung up. I called the number back. The group home owner stated that his 2 yr old son was playing w/his phone and accidently called us. He apologized profusely. The proceeded to talk and talk....

J' feel quite abit of guilt from having the placement fail. He also has quite abit of anger from the damage that was done while Cor was in his group home (anger because he couldn't help him).

For the first time in 2 1/2 yrs - I spoke with someone who has had direct contact with this child. I have a ton of things swirling in my head.

One of the questions that I've had or worried about for several years was...

"Will we be the target of his anger? Will he seek revenge on our family? This child has sociopath thinking and behaviors (no joke folks) and this has been forever on the forefront of my mind"

I asked J' what he thought.

He said with an absolute resounding NO...he adores you, your dh, your children. He have genuine remorse for hurting you and your children. He hates the State and I can forsee him walking into a state facility and bearing arms and hurting someone or many people....

While that made me feel a bit of hope and relief, it also really makes me feel worse. Worse to know that the things I've thought are true...that this child has and will have the capibility of killing someone. He talks about it daily. He threatened this man and those around him over and over...

I know we did the right thing. I know that we did our best. I know that my heart still hurts and misses that lil blonde haired tiny lil 4 yr old who sat across from the judge that day 10 yrs ago and told her "THIS is my NEW mom and DAD and BABY (pointing to my belly). Everyone thought it was so cute that he emphasized "dad and baby" leaving me out....

If only I knew that day...

What I know now.

Monday, April 20, 2009

Our Vacation - One Year Anniversary

The day we left on our vacation was the one year anniversary of the first post on this blog.

My intent was to 'tell our story'. The story of how our love wasn't quite enough, for one little boys, broken and tattered heart.

Somewhere over the last year, the blog took a different turn. There are days when the posts do talk 'tell our story'. Then there are days that 'that story hurts to much' and the rant that comes out of my fingers is what is fresh on my heart for that day.

Recently, I read an article (can't remember where...I think it was on the "Depression on My Mind" blog) about the 5 stages of grief. How they can/do all happen at such different times. Sometimes over and over. Sometimes at different times, sometimes all at the same time.

Our vacation was great. It was not long enough. Sure, many people say that. However, it truly wasn't. We flew in on the 8th. Drove for 2 1/2 hours and arrived on the 9th at 2:30am. That was "VERY EARLY" on Thursday...we left early on Monday.

Just plain cut simple and dry...NOT enough time to do everything, see everyone, love on everyone, relax and just be...when you haven't seen these people in SIXTEEN YEI have so much more to much more in my brain....I just can't put it here,right now...

Sunday, April 5, 2009

Heavy Heart, Anxiety, and all that other jazzy

This week brings on a great deal of emotion, excitement, and all kinds of other stuff with it.

Wednesday, my family and I will board an airplane. Fly 2000 miles across the United States. For the first time in nearly 16 years, we will see and meet lots and lots of family members!! This will be the first time that 99% of my family will meet my husband. It will be the first time that 100% of my family will meet my children. The first time my children will meet their Great Grandparents, Great Aunts/Uncles, Cousins and lots more people. I am the oldest of many many many (did I say MANY) grandchildren?

I am very excited. Yet, there is a big hole. Just like when we went to Disney World. There was a big hole as one of the people that my family has never met, nor will they will not be with us. Ever. This family, who have children who were/are adopted. One a very newly adopted child. One, two, three...there are tons of my cousins who probably will fit some of the issues that our child had.

That's okay. I am okay with this. It.Is.What.It.Is. And there is nothing I can do to change this.

This week marks a very hard and frustrating point in our journey. The reason behind this blog. I did not plan this trip to coincide with this anniversary. It just happened.

Three years ago this week was the last time I saw Cor. Three years ago this week was the last picture I had taken with Cor. (I can't find it, btw). Three years ago this week was the last time I heard his voice.

Some days it feels like it was just yesterday. Some days it seems like it has been a life time.

There will be such excitement and joy this week and at the same time a rather large void, that is always there. However, this week seems to be ever increased.

Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Ms. RAD Mouth and Stalkers

On Monday, Ms. RAD Mouth did her new thing of standing in front of me. Staring me down. Giving me the 10th degree in glare/stare. Smacking her pass threw the machine and making her grewling presence be known.

I.Did.Not.Say.One.Word.To.Her. I smiled and just continued to watch the children getting on the bus.

Then she did something that was really not cool. In RAD terms..the only way to teach a lesson (in my opinion) is natural consequences. However, when you lean against the rear door - and it gets opened and you fall out..that wouldn't be cool, right? Thus, I can't really do that. I give up.

Then I had to listen to a handful of children (same ones that Ms. RAD Mouth) was getting in trouble, only they knew to shut their lips and she didn't. They decided it it was time to take their lets pretend you are a stalker montra to a hole new level. Two Foster Care children and 3-4 other children, discussing stalking, kidnapping, duct taping, raping and all other kinds of grueling stuff....doing this TO EACH OTHER...all in a joking manner.


So today I called dispatch shortly before I got to school requesting principal come to my bus. We need to talk.

Mr. P comes and we have a talk. To say he was pissed beyond belief re: the pretending crap that was being said...would be an understatement. He will be taking care of that tmw.

THEN I talked to him about Ms. RAD Mouth.

I had to hold back the tears. S'rsly heart is so torn and feels so flippen broken about what has happened to this young lady in the last year. If I didn't trust the principal - I would think he was bluffing and lying to me. It was/is incredible horrible. Lets just say this young lady had a very very severe traumatic brain injury, ended up in a comma for 4 full months and in/out for the next 2 months. When she woke up, she was a completely different young lady than what she was before she went to sleep. Before she went to sleep she was a straight A, most popular in her class, most well behaved and loved child in the school.....The next 6 months led to a disruption, new parents, new school and now a bus driver who is at her wits end.....

I am very torn on how to move fwd with Ms. Mouth. I think I will not refer to her as Mr. RAD mouth. Ms. Mouth did not ride today. I think my next step will try to kill her with kindness, give her the support that she needs, yet continue to be firm in my expectations. I will give her another chance to move to the front of the bus and stand near me. I she calls me a F.B. she will no longer to be able to ride the bus.

My heart is heavy as I think about her and the events in her life. My own life and the current issues that are causing a great deal of frustration, saddness, and just plain pissed off-ness.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Last Nerve

I've got just one nerve remaining that is keeping my sanity intact

I truly need to just go to bed. It is 7pm. Maybe if I go to bed, the extra sleep will help induce 'weight loss" Go to MY OTHER BLOG to read about my newest discovery on sleep and weight loss.
I have a child in my home who can not play on her own. She is a very sweet lil raddish. Some days it is all I can do to not loose my patience with her. It is coming very quickly for me this evening. I need to just go to bed.
I have a child in my home who can not use the toilet properly. Thus she wears pull-ups and still manages to pee on my couch, chair, floor. This child is never out of my sight. The dear Lord truly does know...I would give anything right about now for her to be able to be out of my sight, playing w/my children. But she can't manage to do that. The most she has ever played by herself while in my home was 15 minutes. Usually, she tells me over and over and over and oved and over and over ...did I mention she repeats this 100 times an hour..."Gala, look I'm playing by myself". In reality she is not playing by herself. She is holding a toy, staring at me with those RADish eyes....I usually respond in a nice way. Today, it wasn't so nice. It was more of a "ENOUGH already..." I should just go to bed.

I have a child in my home who will not stop telling me she wants to smell my butt, lifting her shirt, telling my son his butt stinks. She has many time outs in the corner and strong sitting moments to think about the naughty talk. If I could trust her not to flood my bathroom, she would be strong sitting and thinking about the potty talk in the bathroom. I can't. So it happens out here. I'm tired...I should go to bed. My patience is truly depleted.

I have a child in my home who keeps telling me she is going to go home today and I need to call her mom. She is currently fighting w/my daughter upstairs. I guess, she can't go watch tv for even 2 minutes with Abi. So much for trying. I.AM.TIRED.
Did I mention...I should probably just go to bed. In hopes of not having a moment of pure insanity and like I did yesterday at Costco (see link above and my other blog).
We do respite for this child in my home every weekend. If she isn't having seizures, then there are behavior issues that are rather minor most days. However, today I have one last nerve and it is about to fall off that leaf!!

~Some times~

~~the most sincere, heart felt comments....pierce your heart.

For those of you have read my blog for a bit may/may not remember that we received a phone call about Cor back in January. Since then we received an update that he was moved out of the treatment foster/group home for threatening the owners wife. (not a bit suprise).

This afternoon I had just prepared lunch for our family. The Missionaries/Elder's were coming for dinner. As I sat down to the table Abi says....

"Mom, can you and I go shopping and make an Easter Basket and care package to send to Corry?"

So sweet.
So innocent.
So much pain.
So much anger.
So much.....

As I told her "Ab, no we can't. Cor was moved from that home. We dont' know where he is at and it is most likely not a place that would allow him to have treats and special things like that"

Wow...that digs deep. For me. For Ab. For Cor. For everyone.

She doesn't understand.

She knows that her brother was gone. She knows that he hurt her and her little brother. She knows so much more than what we can/have given her credit for. He was not talked about in our lives (still isn't for the most part). Then one night she hears her father talking to him on the phone. How confusing for her. I feel like I lied to her. I told her we could send him a package and now we can't.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Children with R.A.D.

~you can spot them from a mile away~

**this is my opinion (as with the entire blog) and my opinion only. You don't like what I have to say...don't read it. Agree to disagree. Thank You**

If you read my other blog Story of Our Life - you may or may not know that I drive bus for the mass transit system in the town nearby (we live in suburb). I am employeed by the city. All employees start out part time, advance to full time based on sceniority...currently I'm #3 in line. As a PT employee I am blessed (not) to drive the City of M_ middle and high school children. They are something of a different breed of human beings.

I might have mentioned this before..not sure.

Few months ago I had a young lady, about 7th grade, start riding. The first few days she was rather "needy". Didn't go far from me. I don't "follow" normal/standard yellow school bus routes. Just like in Mass Transit - if you want off..your ring the bell 1-2 blocks in advance. You don't ring it. I don't stop. End of Story. I'm a beeotch when it comes to this. I have to be.

Well, I 'taught' her the rules and the first week she forgot to 'ring' the bell severall times. Did I mention she was needy? From day one I could tell. But, decided to be nice and thought to myself - she is in a new LARGE school and I need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Well, Feb. 9 ( remember because that is the day I was hit by a car - happened right after my 'incident with Ms. Mouth'. Ms. Mouth and I had a few words that day. She continued to be mouthy. I was very clear in my expectations. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. I didn't loose my cool w/this kid like I do the others. I'm not very nice to be honest -- usually I tend to go.metro..... I was calm and collective. Because, deep in my heart...I could tell. This child has R.A.D. I had listened to her over the course of a few weeks, learned her life story (or somewhat of what I could actually believe.) I decided I needed to start the paper trail......she received her first incident report. Quite frankly - ANYONE who calls me an F'n Beeotch...well...I write a report.

Come back from my 2 weeks off. She has made friends. (so I thought).

Over the last few weeks I have come closer and closer to loosing my patience. Friday, it was the end of it.....I.Lost.My.Chit!! S'rsly folks.... As I informed these middle school children that if they didnt' shut their traps (my exact words) I would arrange for assigned seats. Of course Ms. Mouth and Mr. Mouth decide to talk back. As I am driving (they are standing right behind me). I tell warn them. They didn't oblige. Mr. Mouth apologized (he is in Foster Home,fell from 3rd story building at age of 2-3 and well...he really did mean it and he tries to listen and be respectful). Ms. Mouth, well she didn't shut her trap. As she got off the bus, she told me "I GUESS I will see you on Monday in my assigned seat you F'n B... I started laughing hysterically. She was lucky she got of the bus. Cuz, Ms. Bus driver might have come undone...I was a bit on the extremely depressed side of life, on a new antidepressant that I was having extremely horrible side affects...and well....she is lucky she left.

I wrote an incident report. I had the last 2 days off and was not able to 'follow thru' with my promise. Dang it.



As I spoke w/the principal who had not received my report yet this chick lost it on me. Told me (us) she was going to 'spread it all over the bus'. I said 'spread what? That you ahve an assigned seat in the back of the bus because you can't be respectful to adults?" No she says..that you are a big...I can't repeat it. OH'...that I'm a big bitch. That's okay Ms. Mouth...I dont' care what you think of me. You WILL not talk to me this way. GOt it? She didnt' look at me. She then kept going at the mouth. I calmly told her if I have to write ONE MORE incident report she will be finding alternate means of transportation to school. I didn't want to do that. I want to see her succeed. She blew her mouth. The principal just looked at me, smiled and said to her Ms. Mouth...she is trying to work with you...she continued to go off. I calmly smiled and said "HONEY, I will say to you RIGHT now what I say to you EVERY best SHUT YOUR TRAP, go find a seat at the BACK OF THE BUS........". ROFLMAO....s'rsly, I think the principal probably pee'd her pants.

Ms. Mouth got on the bus...running her big trap.

Principal then says to me..."We have your back. Just let us know. Ms. Mouth...well...she has some problems. (ya think)...she has some emotional problems (ya think)....she has what is called Reactive Attachment Disorder....(ya think...OMG...did a PRINCIPAL just admit this). I responded with 'oh..sure, I know exactly what RAD is...." I think the principal needed depends at this point. I then responded with "She will still be Respectful, Responsible and Fun to Be Around in my presence...or I will guarantee she has a different mode of transportation to school. Assuming that children with RAD most of the time have IEP's consider this your may want to set up alternate transportation for her..."

Smiled and got on the bus....


Saturday, March 21, 2009

List of Things that Would Mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...if....

The list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if....

I can't find the wrestling forms that I need to send back for Bryant. I haven't balanced my checkbook in forever, good thing I have a darling husband to do that.  Should I join Netflix again? I'm scared to join the PTO but really I should. I am afraid if I join the PTO I would offend the rich, do-gooder, pms'n snobby parents with my all to casaul, not so rich attitude. Will I or won't I make the full-time pick for Metro on the next round? I really need to make the fulltime pick. Will the the next full time pick be in June or August or will I have to wait till January? I have 300 perfect lines to type, that means no backspacing to fix errors for my typing class, did I mention I hate typing?  I will not pay $25 for a bottle of jelly beans disguised as children's vitamins, eve if they are organic.  I never have enough time to myself, I'm going crazy with these people. Do people talk behind my back? I want to go to DisneyWorld, again.  Why does James have to insist on being so anal retentive with so many things and then end up sending the wrong very expensive tuperware steamer back to the company? Why couldn't he have just waited for his very relaxed, wait till everything passes, it will get done someday wife to send it back because would have been done right?  I used plastic bages yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, dang shoot me.  Did I remember to record Survivor t his week? Oh' wait it wasn't on because of some stupid basketball game.  I really have to go to that birthday party?  Will my children grow up to think I'm horrible? Am I really the worst mom ever?  I really did want to buy that sweet lil' purple jacket today, it would be so versatile.....

This is a partial list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if I were riding in a taxi cab with my husband on the way to the airport and we smashed head-on into a truck.

Every stress, every trigger, every judgment, every anxious thought, would explode in a cloud of papers and shoes and toothbrushes and flutter lazily down to rest on the highway in an eerie calm until the street sweeper pushed it away into the landfill of Things That Really Don't Matter. Just like that.

We are all, each one of us, at every turn, an instant away from profound change. Every moment counts, it really does.

Things that do matter: Love. James. My children. My good friends. My home.  My mom and dad.  My family. Sunshine.
What's on your list?

Think about it and let me know....
Love, Gala

We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Muddy Waters

As you may have guessed by my last post, there are some muddy waters surrounding me lately. Not specifically re: our disruption - yet it is. Because, in the end, it all comes together as one. It all has defined me as the person I am today. It has changed me from the person I was 10 yrs ago. Some say for the better. I, for one, today would say not for the better. Ten years ago, as I would sit and cry for hours on end because I got my period and wasn't pregnant after yet another month of tests....I never once ever felt as tho I couldn't go on w/my day. I never once felt as tho the world outside was so bitter and mean. I never once stayed in bed w/the covers over my head. I can't afford to loose my job. I make way to much money for a part time job. The end result is way to good. Yet, as the muddy waters get deeper, it becomes harder and harder to crawl out of bed.

I could really use the prayers right now.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Lonely Road, Therapy, Ramblings...

I started this blog almost a year ago (few weeks shy) for many different reasons.

First it was to tell the story of our adoption, life w/a child dx with severe RAD and other mental health issues, and then the disruption.............

Having been encouraged by the therapist that I was seeing to write about this experience in some shape or form, I decided that blogging it would probably be the most theraputic. Along the way, if/when someone was encouraged, learned something or whatever...than great. Mission not only accomplished for myself...but truly for someone else. If it meant that one person read and said "HOLY CHIT I WILL NEVER adopt because I can't handle that..." Then...mission that is okay. In the end...not only will that mommy not be heartbroken as I have been but most IMPORTANTLY is that child will not be heartbroken.

Most importantly...if ther person on the other side of the screen realized he/she needed to learn more, educate themselves more, or just know they were not alone - great. Mission accomplished.

Over the last year life has had many ups and downs. We have learned so much, yet so little about our son. We received answers when we weren't looking for answers. We received answers we didn't really want to know.

Something that has taken a toll on my heart lately, deeper than I can can ever come close to explaining on this blog and unless you've disrupted can't understand.

Is what a lonely stink'n road this is. There is an unspoken rule in my family....dont' talk about it. I've tried several times over the last several years. I've learned that I'm alone. Recently, when I mentioned the latest development of C being kicked out of the group home to my mom she got upset at the group home owner for contacting us. My cue that it isnt' something that I can talk to her about.

Something that has not changed and will not change in the near future if ever....

This road is a really lonely road. Sure there is online support. It isn't something is comforting right now. It is exhausting to even think about.

This afternoon I was told that "you need to grieve, you need to talk about this, you need to not stuff will kill you from the inside out...."

What is there to talk about? Nothing is going to change. Reality sucks. Reality is I am mom to only 2 children instead of 3. Reality is I will never be mom to more than the 2 in my home. Reality is what it is. And I hate this. Reality is....I'm alone and NO ONE gets it because no one in my life has ever lived this.

~~~this has got to be to long~~~to depressing~~~so I'll end...