Monday, March 16, 2009

Lonely Road, Therapy, Ramblings...

I started this blog almost a year ago (few weeks shy) for many different reasons.

First it was to tell the story of our adoption, life w/a child dx with severe RAD and other mental health issues, and then the disruption.............

Having been encouraged by the therapist that I was seeing to write about this experience in some shape or form, I decided that blogging it would probably be the most theraputic. Along the way, if/when someone was encouraged, learned something or whatever...than great. Mission not only accomplished for myself...but truly for someone else. If it meant that one person read and said "HOLY CHIT I WILL NEVER adopt because I can't handle that..." Then...mission that is okay. In the end...not only will that mommy not be heartbroken as I have been but most IMPORTANTLY is that child will not be heartbroken.

Most importantly...if ther person on the other side of the screen realized he/she needed to learn more, educate themselves more, or just know they were not alone - great. Mission accomplished.

Over the last year life has had many ups and downs. We have learned so much, yet so little about our son. We received answers when we weren't looking for answers. We received answers we didn't really want to know.

Something that has taken a toll on my heart lately, deeper than I can can ever come close to explaining on this blog and unless you've disrupted can't understand.

Is what a lonely stink'n road this is. There is an unspoken rule in my family....dont' talk about it. I've tried several times over the last several years. I've learned that I'm alone. Recently, when I mentioned the latest development of C being kicked out of the group home to my mom she got upset at the group home owner for contacting us. My cue that it isnt' something that I can talk to her about.

Something that has not changed and will not change in the near future if ever....

This road is a really lonely road. Sure there is online support. It isn't something is comforting right now. It is exhausting to even think about.

This afternoon I was told that "you need to grieve, you need to talk about this, you need to not stuff will kill you from the inside out...."

What is there to talk about? Nothing is going to change. Reality sucks. Reality is I am mom to only 2 children instead of 3. Reality is I will never be mom to more than the 2 in my home. Reality is what it is. And I hate this. Reality is....I'm alone and NO ONE gets it because no one in my life has ever lived this.

~~~this has got to be to long~~~to depressing~~~so I'll end...

1 comment:

Brenda said...

I'm sorry you feel so alone. (((((hugs)))))) Do you have a therapist that "gets" you that you can discuss this with? You should not have to go through this by yourself. Do you have a church group? There is One who will never leave you alone.