Thursday, December 30, 2010

There's no place for tears....

so instead I will use this blog for the purpose that it was intended.

Don't feel like listening to a bit of venting this morning....just pass this post. The thoughts and such that will be typed out may/may not be very Christ-like. They will probably not even come close to the standards and such of what I try to live up to everyday. And often fall short. I know that my Father in Heaven loves and all that other jazz. But today it just isn't something that I can accept, agree with, believe....

I knew when I picked my quarterly 'pick (aka work hours)' that taking the Extra Board (aka...on call ALL.THE.DANG.TIME) it would be tough. I knew there would be some really hard days. I knew there would be some really easy days. I can't complain about the board because I knew what it was like. I will complain though...about being tired. My day started at 4:45am yesterday. That does not include the 'shower, heat up some toast, warm up your car and travel the 10 miles across town'....I then worked until 5:40pm with little over an hour break. It was tough and emotionally draining.

This morning my day started at 4:45 again. Only today I am not booked with work...I'm sitting...and waiting....for WORK. For someone to call in sick, get in an accident, bus break down, ect ect. At this very moment there are about 7 or 8 people ahead of me waiting for work and there will be about 10-15 more coming in after me.

Last night I got home from work - physically and emotionally drained. I can't really go to bed before 10pm w/o having problems sleeping. I will wake up 2:00am unable to get back to sleep. So at 10pm...I promptly went to bed. I laid there tossing and turning.

The phone rang. I had fallen asleep (and I think my dh did, too) and we were kind of abruptly woken up. Because he didn't recognize the number James didn't answer it. I fell back to sleep very quickly. It is probably 10:30-10:45pm at this point.

This morning James leaves me a groggy message after he had listened to the voicemail...."the phone call last night was Cor. He was calling to wish us a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Here is his message so you know what his voice sounds like".

WTF! Seriously?

I don't give a shit what his voice sounds like. (PLEASE don't get me wrong. I L.O.V.E. this kid. But I CAN'T love him like I in more than life itself....because otherwise....I would be 6 ft under.) I know what his voice sounds like. He's been calling our house phone every few days over the last few weeks asking 'is this James?" and when I so no...he hangs up. What is there to want to know right now. Nothing.

I don't want or expect my husband to carry the burden of having to talk to him. I've told him you don't have to talk to him because HE IS NOT our child ANYMORE!!! Remember? I've been supportive if he WANTS to talk to him. But he DOESN'T have to!! And for the last several months he hasn't. He even called one of the facilities he was in towards the beginning of the year and told them he was to stop calling w/requests and informed of them of a rather not so nice message we received.

We've not heard anything since early summer - late spring.

"Hi Dad...this is Cor. Just wanted to call and wish you a belated Merry Christmas. Hope you had a nice one. Happy New Year. Tell the kids I said Hi and love them.".

Hi Dad...tell the kids hi?!?!?!?!?!

Really? I've not taken his lack of asking how I am or wanting to talk to me personally. Yet, feels pretty damn personal. It's pure bull shit. And it pisses me off. Things like this that I regret ever having fought as hard as I did.

Please don't tell me it isn't personal. That he can't help it. Because even though I really do know and believe this doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't take away any of it.

This child change who I am as a person. How I look at other people. HOw I react to other people. It didn't change me for the better, in my ever so not so humble changed me for the worse. The idiots that were involved w/us as professionals to help us to the idiots in the end to the current idiots.

There are a few other things I would say, too about those idiots. But because this is a public blog I can't publicly write what those other thoughts are. Just know....I'm not an evil person...but I think evil at times. And today is one of them.

How the hell is it that 1 innocent phone call from a hurting young man....who wants to just connect with the only person (my dh) that he considers family can send me from wavering back and forth in the depression hole to a full fledge.....spiral of downward stuff. Its shit. And it sucks. And the only enemy I would wish this upon would be the asshats that put us in this situation. Who from the VERY VERY VERY BEGINNING LIKE DAY 2 of him being in our home (before we had any issues) that 'when it comes to attachment if you provide him with a loving home and meet his needs.....HE will be fine" Dumb ass. How stupid can you be? Really, you make me want to puke. It is a pretty safe bet that he and I will never meet face to face again on this side of Heaven. Heck, today I'm not going to be going anywhere that lovely.I hope I never see his face again. Actually, HE better hope.

I know that the LDS SS agency moved him to another location 1/2 way across the nation when the crap started to hit the fan here. They claim it was because he got a promotion. I believe that about as much as I believe I need a new hole in my head.

The last thing we ever wanted was for this boy to not have a family. But because people with degrees, who never sat 8 mo. pregnant in the middle of a love hold bc the raging 8 yrold was going to hurt himself or your 2.5 yr old baby.....never walked a day in my shoes.....lied to us. They never walked a day in our shoes. Hell, we were lied to even AFTER our disruption and all the way up until the disruption. And I'm sure we would still be lied to and about.

I'll end because nothing is going to be productive with me venting this.

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

Just wanted to clarify a few things.

I seen/published Diana's comment and received a few other personal emails from fellow bloggers (or I should say fellow lurkers in some cases) in regards to my last post.

I won't stop blogging. However, the tone or subject might change and may even be directed to a bit of a different audience. I don't believe I would close this blog completely. Just stop publishing posts and start an entirely different blog. There are many different reasons why.

Sure, I still beat myself up. I still have many many regrets when it comes to Our Story. Often I try to make sense of where/what/when/how we got to where we are 12 years after becoming parents to that little blonde curly haired little boy. And yet how I went to T.arget to their after Christmas sale and bought a 4 Stocking Holder saying of "L O V E " for our family of 4...and how I still ahve a 5 peace stocking holder set that says "P E A C E" and yet....there is not peace in my heart.

I will admit....(if you've not figured it out already) that sure....I struggle daily, weekly, hourly....and there are days that I can't even say it has anything to do with our disruption and/or how we got there and there are days that it has everything to do with our disruption and how we got there. The mere fact that the ONE thing left in our home....that represented "OUR FAMILY of 5" will be replaced come next Christmas. And that really stings. A LOT.

There I said it. There will no longer be an empty Red Stocking hung. There will no longer be that 5th spot. Because as it has been for a few years now....we are a family of 4 not 5.

So you might ask or wonder why close this blog or stop blogging and open another? Because well....just because I can I guess. I really don't have the answers right now. Well, I do. Being able to articulate them into a blog post at this point is something that I can't do.

Did this make any sense? Probably not. But that's okay. And really...I'm okay, too. Just trying to dig deep into the heart of a few tough things right now. The purpose behind this blog is only 1 portion of it right now.

Monday, December 27, 2010

I Wish...

....I had the ability to change the path that led us to where we are today. The path that any parent who finds themselves looking down the barrel of disruption. It is a pretty damn sucky path.


I know that I haven't really blogged about anything that has had much of anything to do other than my own woe is me for sometime on this blog. Often I consider closing this blog. Actually, there isn't many weeks that go by that I don't think about it for at least a bit.

I am not sure about the future of this blog. Or even my other blog. I'm contemplating taking a completely different route in my blogging. One that is a bit more personal. That may/may not be private.

I know that I've said this before. I don't know at this point. So for now....this may/may not be the last post for quite sometime.

Thursday, December 9, 2010

I just love...

phone calls that go something like this.... NOT!!!

ME: Hello
Caller: is this James?
ME: Uh,'s Gala

Caller: damn it. (click)

The number wasn't blocked. So I attempted to 'look it up' on the reverse look up online. Only to find out it is a 'unpublished number'.

What I know is....the caller called back.

Same thing happened. I answered. Said the same thing. Caller hung up again.

Call me again and hang up Cor and I might go a lil' postal on your a_! Because this momma is tired, worked 1.5 hrs of OT because people can't drive in 2 inches of snow and so I had to drive LONGER and listen to people beotch bc I was late, or didn't show up, or whoever frign cares.... So call again....just try it. Because NOW that I've heard your voice a few times...I know it is you. Haven't heard it in a few years.....and I'm in no mental space to deal w/shit! just sayin..

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

Today is...

...just as Diana stated to me in an reply and email - a new day.

Life isn't magically better. Is it ever?  It is a new day. With below zero (almost) temps.

And somehow, just like I do every year and every time this lil whoa is me pity party of missing Cor comes along...I manage to get to the end of the rough patch. Not always very gracefully. Not always with love in my heart and actions. There is 1 specific person that I tend to call during the bad days like I had yesterday. I didn't call this person. Came close. Didn't. Not that I didn't need to. Just, I did not have it in me. I came close this morning. Why? Why waste this person time or mine? Because is the same crap that I've dug through for awhile.  And I'm sure my therapist is glad to not hear from me on a day when I'm not scheduled to be there. is just another day!

Monday, December 6, 2010

Some days...

no matter how hard you try.....
no matter how prepared you are.....
no matter how long down the road POST disruption you are.....

There is just no preparing yourself for some of the unbelievable shitty thoughts, feelings, emotions, ect ect....that comes with truly missing your child. Or in my son.

I can't even begin to share what the last few days has been like. Today, has been the tip of what I hope and pray is the iceberg. Because damn it all...I really can't afford for it not to be. Seriously.

I see where this all started a week or so before our Thanksgiving vacation to Utah and Las Vegas.

"Oh' look at this Charlie Brown cute is that?"
"Oh' don't you think we should do something like that this year?"
"Well, we do have 2 kittens and a psycho 9 mo old LITTLE DOG puppy"

My dh liked the idea because....well he doesn't like putting the tree up. Hell, he never does it so I dont' know what the hell is his problem. Then it was the animals. Because if 2 kids weren't enough and if you can't adopt any might as just create yourself a dang zoo....2 kittens, 2 dogs...anything else we need?

Then I had my friend tell me about "Upside Down Trees". They are awesome. They are expensive.

I can't just put the tree up on my own you see....because the friggn thing isn't even AT my house. It is in our storage shed. That is a HOLE other issue and post for my main blog. But the moral of that story is...I have no damn clue WHERE the storage unit is. Well, I do....but I don't. Like I couldn't find it because w/100 different units looking the same to me. Nope...not happening.

Anyway, we have ended up with a Charlie Brown Tree. The Red Bulb that came w/it. And 2 xtra ornaments.

My heart is really hurting. We've never not had a tree. I don't have the energy to fight it. My dh is not interested in putting it up, getting it for me, or any of that other crap. And putting up the tree is yet another reminder that we are no longer a family of 5...but a family of 4.

Last year we had Nia. And even though she came with her own bag of trials.....I loved that girl deeply...just as I love(d) Corry deeply.

Today is one of the SOME can't prepare for. Because no matter how prepared you think you will never be! OR At least I'm not.