so instead I will use this blog for the purpose that it was intended.
Don't feel like listening to a bit of venting this morning....just pass this post. The thoughts and such that will be typed out may/may not be very Christ-like. They will probably not even come close to the standards and such of what I try to live up to everyday. And often fall short. I know that my Father in Heaven loves and all that other jazz. But today it just isn't something that I can accept, agree with, believe....
I knew when I picked my quarterly 'pick (aka work hours)' that taking the Extra Board (aka...on call ALL.THE.DANG.TIME) it would be tough. I knew there would be some really hard days. I knew there would be some really easy days. I can't complain about the board because I knew what it was like. I will complain though...about being tired. My day started at 4:45am yesterday. That does not include the 'shower, heat up some toast, warm up your car and travel the 10 miles across town'....I then worked until 5:40pm with little over an hour break. It was tough and emotionally draining.
This morning my day started at 4:45 again. Only today I am not booked with work...I'm sitting...and waiting....for WORK. For someone to call in sick, get in an accident, bus break down, ect ect. At this very moment there are about 7 or 8 people ahead of me waiting for work and there will be about 10-15 more coming in after me.
Last night I got home from work - physically and emotionally drained. I can't really go to bed before 10pm w/o having problems sleeping. I will wake up 2:00am unable to get back to sleep. So at 10pm...I promptly went to bed. I laid there tossing and turning.
The phone rang. I had fallen asleep (and I think my dh did, too) and we were kind of abruptly woken up. Because he didn't recognize the number James didn't answer it. I fell back to sleep very quickly. It is probably 10:30-10:45pm at this point.
This morning James leaves me a groggy message after he had listened to the voicemail...."the phone call last night was Cor. He was calling to wish us a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Here is his message so you know what his voice sounds like".
I don't give a shit what his voice sounds like. (PLEASE don't get me wrong. I L.O.V.E. this kid. But I CAN'T love him like I did.....as in more than life itself....because otherwise....I would be 6 ft under.) I know what his voice sounds like. He's been calling our house phone every few days over the last few weeks asking 'is this James?" and when I so no...he hangs up. What is there to want to know right now. Nothing.
I don't want or expect my husband to carry the burden of having to talk to him. I've told him you don't have to talk to him because HE IS NOT our child ANYMORE!!! Remember? I've been supportive if he WANTS to talk to him. But he DOESN'T have to!! And for the last several months he hasn't. He even called one of the facilities he was in towards the beginning of the year and told them he was to stop calling w/requests and informed of them of a rather not so nice message we received.
We've not heard anything since early summer - late spring.
"Hi Dad...this is Cor. Just wanted to call and wish you a belated Merry Christmas. Hope you had a nice one. Happy New Year. Tell the kids I said Hi and love them.".
Hi Dad...tell the kids hi?!?!?!?!?!
Really? I've not taken his lack of asking how I am or wanting to talk to me personally. Yet, today....it feels pretty damn personal. It's pure bull shit. And it pisses me off. Things like this that I regret ever having fought as hard as I did.
Please don't tell me it isn't personal. That he can't help it. Because even though I really do know and believe this fact...it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't take away any of it.
This child change who I am as a person. How I look at other people. HOw I react to other people. It didn't change me for the better, in my ever so not so humble opinion...it changed me for the worse. The idiots that were involved w/us as professionals to help us to the idiots in the end to the current idiots.
There are a few other things I would say, too about those idiots. But because this is a public blog I can't publicly write what those other thoughts are. Just know....I'm not an evil person...but I think evil at times. And today is one of them.
How the hell is it that 1 innocent phone call from a hurting young man....who wants to just connect with the only person (my dh) that he considers family can send me from wavering back and forth in the depression hole to a full fledge.....spiral of downward stuff. Its shit. And it sucks. And the only enemy I would wish this upon would be the asshats that put us in this situation. Who from the VERY VERY VERY BEGINNING LIKE DAY 2 of him being in our home (before we had any issues) that 'when it comes to attachment if you provide him with a loving home and meet his needs.....HE will be fine" Dumb ass. How stupid can you be? Really, you make me want to puke. It is a pretty safe bet that he and I will never meet face to face again on this side of Heaven. Heck, today I'm not going to be going anywhere that lovely.I hope I never see his face again. Actually, HE better hope.
I know that the LDS SS agency moved him to another location 1/2 way across the nation when the crap started to hit the fan here. They claim it was because he got a promotion. I believe that about as much as I believe I need a new hole in my head.
The last thing we ever wanted was for this boy to not have a family. But because people with degrees, who never sat 8 mo. pregnant in the middle of a love hold bc the raging 8 yrold was going to hurt himself or your 2.5 yr old baby.....never walked a day in my shoes.....lied to us. They never walked a day in our shoes. Hell, we were lied to even AFTER our disruption and all the way up until the disruption. And I'm sure we would still be lied to and about.
I'll end because nothing is going to be productive with me venting this.