My heart literally breaks in half each and every time I read my fellow online/blogging friends struggles. Struggles with the system.. Struggles with their own family/friends/peers. Struggles with their children.
There are moments when I just can't read the posts as it is to close to home. It hurts to much. It brings back some painful memories that I'm not able to think about at that moment/day.
I wish I could tell those of you struggling...I had magical answers. There are NO magical answers.
Recently...as in yesterday....I read a blog post from a mother who wrote some pretty tough stuff about how she feels...about herself!!
This my love (I'm pretty certain you read my posts) is what R.A.D. will do to you. Take a 110% wonderful, loving, awesome momma and convince her that she sucks. That she is worthless. That she is meaningless.
You are everything that you think you're not. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. It is tough. Damn do I ever believe you. Hell, it has been a few years since we've had Cor home and I STILL have moments/days/weeks where I am convinced I am STILL those things. Those things that were blogged about. Those things that MANY of us RADdy moms think/believe.
I'm not just speaking to 1 or 2 of you out there. I'm speaking to each and every mommy w/a child w/ANY sort of special needs...mild, moderate or severe.... whatever you are mommy out there.......
I'm speaking to myself. Because even still...as I said...I still struggle.
Will you do me a favor? Will you check out my previous posts about the ORLANDO get-a-way? And promise me that YOU will TAKE care of YOU and join us?
Since I'm lazy...I'm combing a few posts all in one...
Truth be told/Keepin' it Real...
It has been no secret (even though I don't really discuss it) that depression and I have been companions over the last several years. Over the last few months I've been doing better and better. I've made some pretty signficant gains over the last few months. I'm not saying everything has been all peaches and roses. Heck no. There are moments vs days of struggling.
There have been many moments of pure clarity. My sleep has been less interupted.
I've struggled with significant pain in my left side (which by all reports from my dr. and chiro is left over from 3 months of coughing after having pneumonia) and more recently pretty signifcant shoulder pain in both shoulders. Some days tolerable. Some days not so much (today has been one of those).
Each day I choose to Get Up Again....and Again.
On the days that I don't want to get up...again...and again....
It isn't because I'm wallowing in a depression....
but more because I physically don't feel well.
This is new territory for me. The good days haven't FAR outweighed the bad in a pretty long time. I let the grief over our disruption, loss of dreams for our family, loss of 'me as a mother and who I thought I would be...' take over.
It's been tough. And the longer I've felt better, not been on edge as to 'when' I would let the depression take over again...or IT would just creep in....the better I've felt.
I stopped telling 'our story' in regards to Cor. Sure I've blogged most of it. However, there are gaps. There are things I've not 'finished'. It has been several months since I've actually wrote about it....and part of it is because I just can't do it. I can't go there. I want to go there. I need to go there for 'me' in a theraputic aspect of life.....but I just phyically can't.
So for now....it is what it is....and there may/may not be any tidbits on here about our disruption and story.
All this to say....
I've found myself over and over the last 2-3 days struggling. And to be quite honest...it scares the shit out of me. Plain.cut.simple.dry. I know where I've been. I know that it is very unlikely to go back to that place. I called in sick to work on Sunday. For the first time in a quite a while...was purely because I couldn't get myself out of bed. My head hurt. My head hurt bc I didn't sleep for crap. I didn't sleep for crap because...as mentioned above...I've had many of the same thoughts and crap about myself as a 'mom, person, employee'...that were pure crap. I thought that I could fight it. That I could get rid of the headache, the grim outlook, the shit thoughts.....instead. Monday...by 5:45 when I got off work my head hurt so bad (from the negative thoughts about to burst my dang head) it was all I could do not to cry. Today....much of the same story. Just a different day. My day off. It's here. How flippen long I have no dang idea. Regardless, it just ticks me off. End of story.