Thursday, October 20, 2011


My dh has limited contact w/C.  He answers phone calls as he can and feels like it. Often not answering calls unless it has been several calls with in a few day period. And sometimes not even that.
Twice in the last month we've received cluster calls. Last month, after several calls there was a 1 day break.  Then the FM called and left a message.  We found a 'little bit' out that was not coming right from C.  Given you can only believe a portion of what he tells you.  She seemed pretty on the ball.

Fast fwd to yesterday.  Several cluster calls.  SEVERAL.  Dh did listen to the message.  It was a collect call from the county jail where he is living.  DH was able to figure out how to block calls coming from that number.

Today, a number dh had listed called dh sevearl times.  Leaving
a message the last time.

Information I really didn't want to know or hear.

And one of my biggest fears is that one day C will find where we live.  Even though we don't have an unlisted address and such and he could easily find us if he choose.  We have only cell phones right now so it would make it a tad harder.

C's FM called.  She will no longer be his FM.  She will not allow him back in her home.  Currently, he is sitting in the county jail. It really breaks my heart.  More than I could ever express here.

And she has school pictures and some other pictures she wanted to send us. 
And asked for our address.
And....dh gave her our address.
And...when dh told me he gave it to her...I nearly died.  It was all I could do not to start sobbing.

Why?  WHY?  First dh's number was ONLY to be given to caregivers/staff ect ect. Cor would NOT have access to it.  Guess what?  That didn't happen. He's even managed to call me a few different times.  I'mnot happy.  I'm terrified.  This kid hates me. HATES me. 

In his current home he has told his FM that he was abused in our home.  Yet, he idolizes and looks up to my DH.  And respects and listens to my DH.  So who would that leave to have abused him?  Me....according to him.  He knows that I wasthe deciding factor and what transpired between my dh in the end which led to the disruption.  He knows that.  Someone....some idiot told him.  Told him that I am the bad guy (gal).  Asual for RAD kids.  And will only be a matter of time before he gets our address. I just know it.

The FM said she wouldn't give it to him.  I'm not worried about that.  I'm worried that she  will give it to someone else and so forth....and it will be in his hands.

It's nearly 1am. I can't sleep. I've been a wreck all day thinking about it. 

And...I'm not sure that I can see a picture of him w/o falling apart even more. 

What happened with the fact that we disrupted. Or the state terminated our parental rights bc we wouldn't allow him back in our home?  And we would no longer have info or access to knowing what/how/where he was?  Yet...we do.  And is ripping my heart to peaces. Seriously!

Sure, I've struggled w/this hole situation.  For the MOST part....I've been doing REALLY well when it comes to this crap.  And well, flush that idea and thought down the drain. 

Friday, October 14, 2011


Been a lil' while since I posted here on this blog.  Life has stepped in and taken over.  My job is overwhelming and suck-y at best.  I have a job.  Therefore, I try not to complain to incredible much. Along with life stepping in and taking over.  So has depression and anxiety along with it.  There are good days.  There are bad days.  There are just plain shouldn't this day just start over days. 

I would have never thought that being 6+ years post disruption (seems like it was JUST FREEKING YESTERDAY) I would still miss my boy as much as I do.  Often wonder if the lil bits of info we get from him from time to time makes it harder.  I guess I will never know. 

I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the rages.I don't miss the pissing everywhere. I don't miss all the RAD crap.

I miss him.  I miss his infectious smile. I miss the way he loved his sister.  I miss being his mom.  I miss being able to take his Senior Pictures. I miss not being able to see him go off to Prom or Homecoming.....I miss those things.