Thursday, April 29, 2010

Truth is...

I had a long post wrote out and I lost it and now I'm pissed.

So here is what it is in reference to.

More later.

Read this great post skim down the comments and you might find mine. And in a day or so after I've thought some more about doing this. I will let you know how it is going (or not going).

Tuesday, April 27, 2010


I just had a fight with a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
It's okay.
I won and ate the enemy.

(FYI: I'm not joking...seriously...ate the hole darn box)


I have titled this post several different things.

I've started it.
Deleted it.
Re-started it.
Deleted it.
Re-titled it.

Nothing seems to come to mind.
Nothing seems to stick to my thoughts.
Nothing seems to really make sense.

So many thoughts swirling around.

I was challenged (well kind of) to think about/research what others do surrounding rituals surrounding grief.

This is my problem with doing this.

The type of grief and loss that has plagued my heart is not normal.
It isn't something that can easily be googled.
It isnt' something that comes up when doing a google search.

When a prospective mother/father suffers a miscarriage, there are support groups.
When a prospective mother/father suffers the death of an infant/child, there are support groups.

The grief surrounding a disruption is soo incredible different than any other type of loss.

Professionals don't really get it. Sure they might try. But unless they have actually lived it themselves they just don't get it.

In my house/family the way of life to deal with it has been to be silent. If you were to walk in my home you would never know that we had at one point in time, 3 beautiful children. There are no reminders that we were parents of 3 children.

My husband has talked more in the last 2 weeks about the impending loss of one of our children in our home more than he ever talked to me about the loss of our child that we adopted. Sure it could be that it is just a different situation all around and is easier to discuss.

All that continues to come to my mind lately....

~~It is what it is...Until it isn't~~

And I guess, until it isn't....I will just keep on keeping on. Somehow, somewhere, find some sort of peace and closure with something that has never had any closure.

Sunday, April 25, 2010

Healing from a Heartbreak caused by R.A.D.

Recently, like today, I felt a very strong need to bring up Nancy Thomas' website. It isn't something that I look at often anymore. Because, well you all know, we don't live 100% in the depths of R.A.D. and the affects that it takes on the caregivers. (I actually, mean the MOM's).

While I actually had a topic in mind that I didn't find; I came across this article.

Sometimes our Father in Heaven gives us that gentle nudge that we need. I received it this afternoon/evening as I made dinner. "look up Nancy's website" And so I did.

I needed to read this article today.

You might need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who do need to read that article today.

I know a few of you who I wish I was sitting in the house next to yours..where I could get up off my fat butt and come give you a hug. Just because...I could. Oh' how I wish I could give S and S and each of their children (if they wanted me to) a hug today. How I wish that I could cry those ugly tears that I know you've cried 0r maybe you don't have any left in you. Oh' how I know I've been there. It sucks. Really I know it does.
This week marked an anniversary for me. I say me because my dh doesn't acknowledge and/or remember them. It is no small wonder that I had a complete and udder meltdown in the drs office. It was a brand new dr. One I've never met. One I really needed to be on my side, to refill a rx that I'm out of. Instead, I fell apart. Like REALLY fell apart. I mean...REALLY (did you get that...REALLY). So much so that I told him (in a few words or less) that not only was he wasting his time but he was wasting my time. Then I did something I never thought I would have the balls to do. I got my fat butt up off the chair and walked out.

Today as I looked at the calender and realized what the date was today. What the date was this week. What it signifies. It is no small wonder that I actually made it to work 4 out of 5 days scheduled. Really. It truly is no small wonder.


I might more later on some of my thoughts, feelings, frustrations.....


Until dear bloggy friends who are struggling. PLEASE know that you are each in my prayers!!