Saturday, May 28, 2011
I'm trying, one step at a time...to keep moving.
To not give in.
To keep my head above the water.
And in those moments where I'm at home and my anxiety gets to be to much, I resort to Nia's old bedroom. Step up on my eliptical and start going.
Sometimes for 5 minutes. Sometimes for 10. Sometimes for 2. Sometimes for 60.
Whatever it takes.
Today has been a very bad day.
Work was good and bad. Lots and lots of triggers. Every young man Cor's age sends that 'negative self talk' spinning.
My parents called and met us for dinner. That was nice. A much needed break.
And so...in return I took a pic I found recently of Cor that I loved so much. (stuck it in my purse so my kids woudlnt' find it) yet it breaks my heart to see.
And climbed up on my eliptical.
Trying to remember that I have bronchitis. Trying to remember that my chest REALLY hurts. But....I needed to work off some of whatever it was that is bothering me. And 5 miles and 90 minutes later....I got off for good. (I had gotten off a few times to cough up a lung, puke, rinse, repeat, get some pain meds).
And if I could physically keep going......I would. Because when I'm on that thing - the anger, the frustration, the "i'm gonna drown" thinking.....its gone. Well, not completely...but enough that I can tell the difference.
And so..at a snails pace...I MIGHT make it to 500 miles by next March. Or the following March. IDK.
Saturday, May 7, 2011
To all the trauma Momma's i hope and pray you will be able to find slid sort of peace and love within this Mothers Day.
I know first hand how suck E this day can be. It still is. Last year was not to had.. this year i will be working. Last year it didn't bother me to much to work. However this yea Im struggling with it. for many reasons that Im sure those who have lived in our shoes know. For me this 'week' marks a significant trauma-versary that some years and harde than others.
As much as i know Im not alone...right now sure feels like it. No amount of comments to that comment will change the fact that. ..in my everyday life..in my friendships and those that i speak to and email regularly....don't get it. Over the last little bit I've felt this more and more. And this weekend it is magnified even more.