Friday, December 16, 2011

Pics Like This...

....brighten and dampen my day all in one. 

Wednesday, December 14, 2011


It's been one of those days.  A day that I've spoke to one of my best friends....several times.  The morning started w/a text from her that said "Can I call you?"  And then 3-4 hrs later me sending her a message "call me".  I think we've spoke 3x's today. 

It's been a day of frustration, illness, tears, disappointment.  A day that one of us can say to the other "if xyz has to happen...I'm gonna do xyz" and know that the other will understand, will not over-react, and totally feel the other's pain and frustration.

I've been in pain most of the last 24 hours.  Yet, being able to think and pray for my dear friend and the huge trial she is dealing with in her life right now has TOTALLY taken away from the fact that I'm still having horrible abdominal cramping and have a 101.3 temp and that my son has a 103.4 fever and pneumonia. 

Tonight, I'm extremely thankful for the universe working wonders and our paths passing!!

I think it is time to look at my calendar and make another road trip to Indiana!!  Because, I sure as hell am not waiting 79 more days to Orldando!!  That shit is just not gonna fly!!

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Harder than it sounds stay present.

Checked the Court Hearing Status for Cor online.

I know what he did was bad.
I know that he would have some significant consequences.
I know these things....

Yet, I was not prepared to read....
.....yet another court hearing that will be his arraignment. 
Can't really say what it does to my heart.
I can't seem to stop the flood of tears since reading this. 

This is the thing...
He is still a baby. 
He shouldn't have to spend Thanksgiving in jail.  (I will venture to say he is in jail since 2 of his several charges are bail jumping.)
He shouldn't have to spend Christmas in jail.
Guilt and grief....full force.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance

Letting go of fighting reality.

THIS is a VERY hard concept for me.  I will not deny it. I will not deny that I don't believe it 100%. I will not deny that I'm struggling with this concept on an hourly basis right now.  Not only in regards to our disruption and all that surrounds it.  But, with other aspects as well.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Court Records

Our state has a website to view current and past court preceedings/charges of individuals.  If you get a speeding ticket - it will be on there.  If you file bankruptcy - sometimes it will be on there.  If you foreclose on your house - it will be on there.  If you are arrested for battery, strangulation, bail jumping, and other will be on there.

Few weeks ago I looked up C. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw his name come up with actual charges.  He is not 18.  It broke my heart to see 2 counts of disorderly conduct.  I knew he was being charged with it.  However, I wasn't prepared for it.  Does that make any sense?

This evening, because I'm struggling in a rather raw way, I checked to see what the newest charges were and if I would be able to get an idea if C was still in jail or not.  Again, I was not prepared for what I read.  I needed to read he was still in jail.  I did not need to read "bail jumping".  Dear Lord he is ONLY 17...bail jumping. 

This is what I found:  (Name, address, birthdate and such have been removed)


Count No.
Misd. A
Misd. A
Criminal Damage to Property
Misd. A
Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor
Misd. A
Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor
Misd. A
Strangulation and Suffocation
Felony H
Intimidate Victim/Dissuade Reporting
Misd. A

and then all I could do was say:

......I started a VERY HOT tub of water.  Because the hot water somehow...numbs the pain.  It was my coping mechnism when C was home.  And still is. 

Thursday, October 20, 2011


My dh has limited contact w/C.  He answers phone calls as he can and feels like it. Often not answering calls unless it has been several calls with in a few day period. And sometimes not even that.
Twice in the last month we've received cluster calls. Last month, after several calls there was a 1 day break.  Then the FM called and left a message.  We found a 'little bit' out that was not coming right from C.  Given you can only believe a portion of what he tells you.  She seemed pretty on the ball.

Fast fwd to yesterday.  Several cluster calls.  SEVERAL.  Dh did listen to the message.  It was a collect call from the county jail where he is living.  DH was able to figure out how to block calls coming from that number.

Today, a number dh had listed called dh sevearl times.  Leaving
a message the last time.

Information I really didn't want to know or hear.

And one of my biggest fears is that one day C will find where we live.  Even though we don't have an unlisted address and such and he could easily find us if he choose.  We have only cell phones right now so it would make it a tad harder.

C's FM called.  She will no longer be his FM.  She will not allow him back in her home.  Currently, he is sitting in the county jail. It really breaks my heart.  More than I could ever express here.

And she has school pictures and some other pictures she wanted to send us. 
And asked for our address.
And....dh gave her our address.
And...when dh told me he gave it to her...I nearly died.  It was all I could do not to start sobbing.

Why?  WHY?  First dh's number was ONLY to be given to caregivers/staff ect ect. Cor would NOT have access to it.  Guess what?  That didn't happen. He's even managed to call me a few different times.  I'mnot happy.  I'm terrified.  This kid hates me. HATES me. 

In his current home he has told his FM that he was abused in our home.  Yet, he idolizes and looks up to my DH.  And respects and listens to my DH.  So who would that leave to have abused him?  Me....according to him.  He knows that I wasthe deciding factor and what transpired between my dh in the end which led to the disruption.  He knows that.  Someone....some idiot told him.  Told him that I am the bad guy (gal).  Asual for RAD kids.  And will only be a matter of time before he gets our address. I just know it.

The FM said she wouldn't give it to him.  I'm not worried about that.  I'm worried that she  will give it to someone else and so forth....and it will be in his hands.

It's nearly 1am. I can't sleep. I've been a wreck all day thinking about it. 

And...I'm not sure that I can see a picture of him w/o falling apart even more. 

What happened with the fact that we disrupted. Or the state terminated our parental rights bc we wouldn't allow him back in our home?  And we would no longer have info or access to knowing what/how/where he was?  Yet...we do.  And is ripping my heart to peaces. Seriously!

Sure, I've struggled w/this hole situation.  For the MOST part....I've been doing REALLY well when it comes to this crap.  And well, flush that idea and thought down the drain. 

Friday, October 14, 2011


Been a lil' while since I posted here on this blog.  Life has stepped in and taken over.  My job is overwhelming and suck-y at best.  I have a job.  Therefore, I try not to complain to incredible much. Along with life stepping in and taking over.  So has depression and anxiety along with it.  There are good days.  There are bad days.  There are just plain shouldn't this day just start over days. 

I would have never thought that being 6+ years post disruption (seems like it was JUST FREEKING YESTERDAY) I would still miss my boy as much as I do.  Often wonder if the lil bits of info we get from him from time to time makes it harder.  I guess I will never know. 

I don't miss the drama. I don't miss the rages.I don't miss the pissing everywhere. I don't miss all the RAD crap.

I miss him.  I miss his infectious smile. I miss the way he loved his sister.  I miss being his mom.  I miss being able to take his Senior Pictures. I miss not being able to see him go off to Prom or Homecoming.....I miss those things.


Monday, September 12, 2011

Broken, Tattered, and Shattered

Those are the 3 words that come to my mind when I think about the last 13 years of our life when it comes to Cor, the system, our experience, our family, the entire situation.

Just a few days ago, I almost said outloud to one of my sweet soul sisters (or txt bc we txt often)  that I am/have been in a pretty good place when it comes to this entire situation. 

I've felt a ton of peace when it comes to Cor and everything that has followed.

Until today.

This weekend my dh received 3 phone calls in 2 hours.  Not one message was left.  None.  He will receive cluster calls from Cor during a 2-3 day time period.  But often, not several in one day.  DH didn't answer them.  He didn't acknowledge it. I got worried.  Three calls in 2 hours?  Could something be wrong?  Could he be ill? 

I turned to FB and did some lurking.  I know that his BM is friends on FB w/his foster mom. I figured out who his FM was bc I could see who his BM's friends were and well...when you only have a hand full it doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure it out.  Turns out, I was right smack on. I was also smack on that recent supervised visits with BM (per Cor telling my dh about a month ago in a phone conversation) would go sour.  BM/FM are no loner friends on FB.  Interesting. 

Last night, my dh received 2 phone calls w/in minutes of each other from Cor.  The 2nd call there was a message left.  He refused to listen to it.  Said he didn't care.  I can't fault him for not talking to Cor.  And doing so only when he feels like he can.  He is pretty good about not answering calls when our children are awake or around.  It is energy draining for him.  And I accept and understand that.  Cor has only left 1 message in the 2 years since we were 'located' by one of his group home owners.  The last message wasn't a very nice one.  And left both my dh and I in a bad spot.  So I get why Dh didn't want to listen to it.

Today is my day off.  We decided to go into town this morning after the kids were sent off to school. I knew he hadn't listened to the message.  I still said "So, what did Corry want?"  He said "oh, I forgot he called." He listened to the message.

It wasn't Cor. It was his FM. She was wanting to know if DH would give her some background on this kid.  What kind of abuse and from whom he had been abused by.  And if he had ever abused animals or other children in our home.


Oi!!  We are always happy (or my dh is anyway...and I would be, too) to give any and all information we have on Cor.  We love him.  We've always loved him.  We spent several years giving that chidl everything we had.  We filed bankruptcy twice bc we literally spent every penny and then some trying to get him help.  No amount of anything was helpful.  If by chance, we can share a little bit of something to one of his caregivers now that will HELP THEM or PROTECT THEM or the children in their home OR Cor...then we will do it.

DH had a 30-45 min. phone conversation w/this lady.

Cor is in jail.  Big person jail.  She is giving him 1 more chance and that is ONLY bc he went to respite this weekend and didn't receive his medication and it isn't his fault he didn't receive his meds.  True.  But in all reality, not really.  He attempted to hurt her.  I believe he did hurt her.  Dh didn't give me exact details and I was able to catch bits and pieces of their conversation.

DH told FM lots and lots of stuff.  As much as one can in a 30-45 min conversation.  I was got out of the car when I knew I was about to loose my shit.  James made some type of comment that he is always amazed at how highly Cor has held DH on a pedestal (true!!!).  And FM said "OMG...I know.  You can do and never have done any wrong in this boys eyes.  He highly respects you and what you tell him.  If you tell him he needs to shape his shit up and xyz...then for the next several days he will try very hard.  Saying "I need to make my dad proud of me".  She then proceeded to tell dh that he has told her that he was abused in our home.  Which she hasn't believed.  But he is adament and consistant about the abuse he endured in our home

Fuck.  Really?
This is what I hear and internalize in that comment.

The kid thinks DH can do no wrong and highly respects him.  Well, who the hell else does that lead to have abused him?  Me. 

It is probably best that I not hear that from him.  I might just end up abusing him.  Except for the fact he is nearly a foot taller than I am.  So that wouldn't go so well I'm sure.

I'm amazed that this seems to be the longest foster/treatment placement he has had.  This lady knew nothing of his previous placements in psych hospital that led to RTC that led to being placed in theraputic home.  She knew nothing about him hurting his siblings, nothing about ANYTHING. 

Fuck.  REALLY?
I'm pissed today.
I'm hurt today.
I'm angry today.

I really would love to just run the freeking SW, who is STILL invovled in his know the SAME ONE for the last 10 his ass over.  Seriously, it is probably best we don't ever meet on the street.  He never be a passenger of mine. I would SOOOO leave his ass in a rain storm.  Better yet in a blizzard.  Drive right past him...after I spit my gum out at him.

I know....I'm not very grown up about what I have to say or think or feel.  I'm sure I sound like a whiney ass cry baby having a temper tantrum.  Guess what? I really don't care.  Because that is exactly what I am doing....having a huge freeking tantrum.  And it is all I can do not to call the DCFS Social Worker and give him the riot act. 

He failed this kid.

Again and again and again....

If I went to work and failed to do my job...the state would no longer allow me to work.  If I hurt somoene, I would no longer be allowed to work.  We both have state jobs....and this dumbass continues to just mess it up.

Our family was broken.
Our family was tattered.
Our family was shattered.

Our son was broken.
Our son was tattered.
Our son was shattered.

The system is broken.
The system is tattered.
The system is shattered.

Saturday, August 20, 2011

We are not alone

I can not express how thankful and blessed I am right now.

I have a dh who suggested we take a road trip to Indiana to meet up with another Soul Sister.  We are hoping to go Labor Day weekend if my work hours match.  I wasnt 100% on board this morning.  He then suggested to go to Chicago.   After some texting back and forth....quick packing and a 2.5 hr family is snoring...and I am laying in a hotel room next to a fellow adoptive family and even better a Soul Sister who gets me! 

We share so much in common.   Even more than both of our families have adopted.  We both know the heartache and pain it has brought on so many different levels.

This is the best therapy around!!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Not for the Faint of Heart

Over and over I'm reminded that adoption and disruption is not for the faint of heart.

As a matter of fact it breaks your heart and definately makes your heart even more faint.

Few weeks ago, Cor called his dad (as he does weekly only my dh doesn't answer the calls often) and informed him he was "meeting up with his bio mom and bio sister".  He fed his dad a bunch of "info" that bio birth vessel had filled his head with.  Suchh as " she has been clean, sober, and out of trouble for 10+ years".  That is a crock of shit if I ever heard one.  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to look her up on our states court system and find out...numerous domestic battery, numerous restraining orders, numerous prostition, numerous...IN arrests.  She may have not been in prison.  But she sure as hell hasn't stopped A: lying and B: stayed out of trouble.

Whatever. It isn't my problem.  Well, if I make it my problem...I guess it is.

Because I'm gluten for punishment I tend to 'check' up on her on FB.  When you only have 11 FB friends and then this week  you have 12 listed.  It is rather easy to see who your new friend is.

Who might that be?

My former PCP's nurse and aquaintance...someone whom I thought the world of AND our former "puppy class instructor".  Oh' and she is also.....a foster parent and lives in the same town that C lives in.  And......has a picture of Cor in her photos!

Just a lovely day it is!

Sunday, August 7, 2011

I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up if I Tried...

Every step of the way, I have often thought that there is no way I could make up even half of the bs that has surrounded our 'adoption story'. 

You know the one where you and your spouse go through years of infertility.  Have 4 specialist in 4 years tell you ...Ms _ you will never conceive naturallly.....and then you decide to look into adoption

Only to find out the cost is above and beyond your current ability so you let it sit on the back burner for awhile.  Putting all your faith in the Lord and saying "In HIS time we will move forward.  In HIS time we will become parents.  In HIS time OUR CHILDREN will be brought to this earthly home of ours...."

Only to have the agency you orginally contacted and NEVER filled out any paperwork or even give them  your info....yolu just have them contact you and tell you that YOU were chosen by bio grandparents of a child that WOULD eventually be available for adoption.... 

Then not even a year later have that bio family contact you, in an emergency, and have us take the child for emergency respite. 

ONLY to have that emergency placement become...permanent.

Only...only only only only only......

to have so many wrongs end up making a right.

ONLY to have so many rights....end up being WRONG!!

To have lived your life in such a Christian/Christ-like manner that you were certain this child was your child.  And you believed with all your heart that the Lord had orchistrated a true miracle (which I still do believe) when you found out you were pregnant for your first biological child, only a few short weeks after you signed the intent to adopt paperwork.  Having said ALL ALONG that you would NOT adopt or follow-thru with adopting should we get pregnant before this child was placed w/us permantly for adoption.


Only to have so much that seemed so dang right.  Go so VERY wrong.

I couldn't make this Sh*t up if I tried....

***you know the disruption sh*t.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh.
***you know the hooking up w/bio mom on FB and ever so often friend requests that you get.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh that go unanswered.
***you know the pulling into a McD's parking lot....over an hour from your home, on your way to do a photoshoot....ONLY to see this child...whom you have only seen a picture of on your states waiting child listing and his FB profile SEE him walking into McD's for breakfast (or lunch...could have been either bc it was right about that time.)
***you know the phone calls...the ones that happen as I'm responding to a blog comment..just seconds before beginning this post.

Ever so in this last week....I say to myself many times a day...."i couldn't make this shit up if I tried" and a few other things that I will not go into on this blog.

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

There is Healing.....

....for me. 


....very very very very....SLOWLY!

This evening....I was childless.  I was husband-less.

Thank the good Lord!!  Oh' how I needed just some "me" time.

My BIL came over.  Changed the locks in our new house.  Reprogrammed our garage door openers.  Did a few other misc. things.  He was in-out-gone in less than an hour.

I walked around in my fat shorts.  AKA: biker shorts and tank top - incomando and braless. 

Because I can. 

I then....went out into the garage.

Looked for a hammer.
Looked for some nails.

And decided to pound some holes in my walls. 
And decided to look in some boxes and hang up a few pictures.

And....the very first box I opened....was a box that has not been opened in several years.  As in....3-4 yrs.

After our disruption we also moved.  I never hung up the "adoption day photo collage" and other pics of Cor.  There were a few pictures that were put in my dresser drawer.  That was about it.

The first large frame that came out of that box (remember I had no clue what was in this just said "pictures")...was our "Adoption Finalization...Mommy was big and fat and pregnant and we were a happy family.....and our Family Sealing Pictures that were taken the day after our finalization".


Or it could have been.

I looked at it and thought ...."yeah.  where is this going to go". 

I was not able to find a spot that I felt was appropriate.  It isn't something that I want to be showing out in the open for just anyone to comment on.  I am not sure that I am ready for the constant reminder...every day....but somewhere.  I think in our downstairs family room is where it will end up.  I stuck the frame in my closet w/the other portrait frames I don't know where to put.  It did not go back in the "don't hang up and file away pile" like a few of the frames.

There are times when I can't think, talk, look, see, here....anything that has to do w/this situation. 

And today....I'm able to see a picture and think 'Hot dang that boy is good looking"

And leave it as....

it is what it is.
it is out of my control.

On Hope, Grieving, Hurting Parents, and maybe....more.

Not sure that I can/will accurately blog about what I really want to say.  However, I will give it a try. 

A few days ago I read a blog post that triggered a hot spot for me.  My initial response was to comment back.  To blog about it.  To say what I truly felt.  And then I decided not to.  "just keep your mouth shut..." and so I did.

I've not read the comments and honestly, I've not read any other blogs since reading this particular post.  It has just touched a sore spot w/me and I decided I needed to step back.  I've tried very hard in the last few weeks/months to step back as I get angry/mad about something.  "Is this about you? Why am I feeling as if this is a direct dig at me?  I did what I could with MY kid...." and on and on.  Trying to step back from what it was/is that sends me into that lil tail spin. 

So here goes .02 cents.

I've spend a great deal of energy...angry at the entire situation at hand when it comes down to our adoption, disruption, years of in/out of treatment/respite, the damage done to my other children, ect ect....

At times...yes...I've been angry at my child.  Something that Deborah Hage and our local therapist told me over and over and over and over and over was.....This kid has the ability to heal.  He doesn't want to!  And this is something that I often discount. 

This will be semi short.  I can't accurately say what I want/need to say.   As I was sitting here writing this out, texting with Laurie and getting caught up on my google reader that I've not read since reading the original post that sent me in a tizzy....and prompted me to start writing this post.  I read a post by Corey.  I'm certain that just about anyone that reads my blog....reads Corey's.  So if you've not read her post she states what I'm thinking so much more eloquently.

I will wrap up with one more thought...when your child RAD or hurting your other children.  In traumatic manner -- it is very hard to not be angry.  Even though I know the RAD/Mental illness part of my son did so much of the damage in my house.  I also know, that he purposefully hurt his brother.  When the child is able to turn it on/off at the drop of a hat and in the process....his newborn brother and toddler sister were hurt in the is really hard to not be angry.  It is really hard to not be angry that 5+ years later after we have disrupted we are still living the triangulation and bs on many levels.  We still get phone calls.  We still get bills.  It is really hard to not be angry....when the effects have been so life damaging and continue to wreak havoc on our lives.

Monday, July 4, 2011

Steve Holy - Love Don't Run lyrics

This is a very powerful song.

On so many different levels.

It is a very painful song.

On so many different levels.


This evening this song appeared on a google reader blog that I follow.

I know this particular blogger probably has no clue that I lurk on her blog daily. I actually am in awe and love her love and faith. And I wish that for one second of the day I could have the strength and courage that this women has.

This song is so very powerful....this evening as I heard this song I thought of the young man that sent me a FB friend request this week. How I did leave him and my love did run.

And...and....and...we didn't get through it!

This song means so very much.....

on such very different levels.

Deep breathe in...
Deep breathe out...

Tuesday, June 28, 2011

A Day of Nothing

That is exactly what I'm doing.
Not a darn thing.
Well, maybe unpack a dish here and there.
I was scheduled to work from 2-10pm on a rather bad night run.  My old one to be exact.  I have a PICC line and it itches and hurts from time to time and.....I just don't feel like leaving my house.
So I called in sick.  I have 2 FMLA applications on file.  One for the PICC line/infusion treatments and one for anxiety/depression.  And so....I decided to use today as a mental health day.

And...I'm doing just that.  Taking a day.  To CHILL and RELAX!!  On my new deck. In my new lounge chair.  In the sun.  With my laptop and my dogs.  Only thing better would be my dh sitting next to me.

Today...I will channel my anger into something positive. I will channel my grief into something posttive.

I can't promise that tmw will be a good day.
I can't pormise that tmw will be a bad day.

for today...I will just sit and relax.  And pray that I can keep  it this way.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Happy 17th Birthday

I can't even begin to blog about how incredible difficult each of Cor's birthdays is for me. We share our birthdays 1 day apart.  And prior to our disruption/TPR it was always a big deal. 
Cor and Mom - Celebrating our Birthdays 1999.  Mommy was VERY pregnant and Cor loved to hold Momma's BIG belly

The last week has been a whirlwind of activity and in the proccess of buying a house, moving to our new house, having a PICC line inserted and having it go not so good, and then a very tragic accident involving a friend of mine.  In the process of the whirlwind the reality of Cor's bd creeping up on me....didn't really sink in until I got my first "Happy Birthday G" phone call.  " is my birthday....that means it is Cor's bd....crap!!" 
And....the pit in my stomach began.

Cor and his baby sis Ab...the day Ab came home from the hosptial.  Mommy was sleeping.  Grandma was having fun and taking MANY pictures while Mommy slept and Daddy worked.

Cor's 6th BD 2000
My heart hurts as I  think....
17 yrs old

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Great Article on Recovering from a Loss

This evening I came across this blog link "Can you actually RECOVER from a Loss?"  It is very powerful.  The quote/comment at the beginning of the article = powerful.  To me anyway.  Hope you are able to find some sort of good out of it.

Saturday, May 28, 2011

500 Miles....I'll get there...


I'm trying, one step at a keep moving.
To not give in.
To keep my head above the water.
And in those moments where I'm at home and my anxiety gets to be to much, I resort to Nia's old bedroom. Step up on my eliptical and start going.

Sometimes for 5 minutes. Sometimes for 10. Sometimes for 2. Sometimes for 60.
Whatever it takes.

Today has been a very bad day.
Work was good and bad. Lots and lots of triggers. Every young man Cor's age sends that 'negative self talk' spinning.

My parents called and met us for dinner. That was nice. A much needed break.
And return I took a pic I found recently of Cor that I loved so much. (stuck it in my purse so my kids woudlnt' find it) yet it breaks my heart to see.

 And climbed up on my eliptical.

Trying to remember that I have bronchitis. Trying to remember that my chest REALLY hurts. But....I needed to work off some of whatever it was that is bothering me. And 5 miles and 90 minutes later....I got off for good. (I had gotten off a few times to cough up a lung, puke, rinse, repeat, get some pain meds).
And if I could physically keep going......I would. Because when I'm on that thing - the anger, the frustration, the "i'm gonna drown" thinking.....its gone. Well, not completely...but enough that I can tell the difference.

And a snails pace...I MIGHT make it to 500 miles by next March.  Or the following March.  IDK. 

Saturday, May 7, 2011

Happy Mother's Day

To all the trauma Momma's   i hope and pray you will be able to find slid sort of peace and love within this Mothers Day.

I know first hand how suck E this day can be.  It still is.  Last year was not to had.. this year i will be working.  Last year it didn't bother me to much to work.  However this yea Im struggling with it.  for many reasons that Im sure those who have lived in our shoes know.  For me this 'week' marks a significant trauma-versary that some years and harde than others.

As much as i know Im not alone...right now sure feels like it.  No amount of comments to that comment will change the fact that. my everyday my friendships and those that i speak to and email regularly....don't get it.  Over the last little bit I've felt this more and more.  And this weekend it is magnified even more.

Monday, April 25, 2011

it wasn't supposed to be like this

..this was not in the plans.

remembering amidst the grief, pain and sorrow.
remembering that i really don't like the shoes i'm wearing.
remembering that these shoes hurt my feet.
remembering that healing from a heartache caused by R.A.D. sucks huge donkey balls.
remembering that............
...I miss you today....
just as I missed you yesterday....and every day.

Trauma-versary's suck!
12 years ago this past week.....marked the anniversary of our finalization.

Thursday, March 31, 2011


Closed comments to annon users. 
I have no patience or empathy on stupid people.  Plain.cut.simple.dry!!!

Enough said.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

These are the days....

and weeks....
and months......


I just want to go to bed. 
Set the alarm back about 12-13 years.


take a do-over.

Walk the steps differently.
Believe differently.
Trust differently.

I would do it.

I'm going to bed.
Going to set my alarm ahead  so that I remember to wake up and go to work.
And pray that somehow....

the next day.....
the next week....
the next month.....
or even the next life.....

There will be closure.

....PS: I have VERY little faith that will happen.  But hell it is worth the try, right?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Selah-All of me

And then....this evening as I laid in bed trying to make sense of "all that is me" and the doubt and weary heart that I've had for so long.....I turned on the radio. Life 102.5.....the DJ was speaking to me I'm guessing. Because before he played this song he said "my friends....those of you who are weary, have lost your way.....this is for you. Surrender all of your heart....(and more)..."

That would be me. Weary. Broken. Lost. Grief Stricken. Over. And. Over. Again.....fear and doubt definately plague my thoughts so often.

"You're Not Alone" (LDS)

Few days ago I needed to just get out of the house. And so I went for a drive. Lacking the IPod cord I needed I listened to my CD's.

This is what I heard....

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rocky Waves

Cocoa Beach, FL
I don't even know that I can truthfully blog about how incredible hurt I am right being one of those days.

Hell, I don't even know when the tears will stop falling.

I've started this blog post over and over and over again over the last hour or so.

I guess looking at the photo header "You Are Not Alone" is what I need to do.  Becuase right now, in my my my life as a whole....I am very much alone.  And that knife that has been jabbed into my heart so many times over the last 12 years just got a bit deeper.  Twisted a bit more and a bit deeper.

Someone please tell me again...Why in the hell did I ever want to adopt?  Why did I ever agree to adopt? Why?  Seriously!  Because something that I truly thought was sooooo very much what the Lord wanted us to do...has turned out to be so damn horrific and painful.  And continues to be a mess on my marriage.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Cocoa Beach, FL - Seeking Shelter from the Rain
 While we were at Cocoa Beach on Friday it began to rain.  When we first arrived the sky was bright blue and beautiful.  The waves/water were just as beautiful.  Children and families everywhere.  Digging and building in the sand.

After being there for a little bit (less than an hour) it began to sprinkle.  The waves started getting bigger/rockier.

We sought shelter under the Pier (AKA: Restraunt).

There is beauty in the dark and dreariness under that pier.  Even though at moments the waves were (are) rocky and fierce....the beauty continues to shine on.

I'm trying to see the beauty that lies in the rocky waves of my heart today.  And not having much success.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Layers of Loss as told by Peace in Puzzles (and my .02 cents)

I'm quite certain if you read my blog you also read Peace in Puzzles.  Just in case you don't and/or you missed this awesome post called Layers of Loss.  You  need to stop what you are doing.  Take a deep breathe.  And move fwd and read this beautiful article.  Right now.  Then come back and read the rest of this post.


Many times during the last 6-8 weeks prior to going to Orlando - I had to be talked down off the ledge and reminded that I WOULD needed to go.  Nothing horrible would happen. 

And I did.
And I had a great time.
And it didn't kill me. (I never believed that it would kill me. But you might have)
And I didn't kill anyone else. (It wasn't really something I thought would happen. But you might have)
And there were moments that I had to get up and walk away from the conversation in order to prevent myself from wanting to scream and/or kicking something/someone. 

Regardless of what our own individual opinions, thoughts, desires, circumstances, ect ect ect....every single mother that stepped foot on Orlando (actually Kissimmee) soil last week...was sooo veyr different than the other.  Yet, we were all soooooooooooooooo very much the same. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

More thoughts on Orlando 2011

I've thought a great deal about my weekend in Orlando. 
I've started, stopped, backed up, deleted, erased and came back over and over again. 
Mostly in part because I find myself feeling very very vulnerable.
The entire time I was Cor's mom....I was judged. 
By my husband.
By my family.
By my friends.
By the professionals in our life.
By everyone!
I'm not saying that to 'over-kill' it. 

It is what it is - one might say.

However, the damage is done. 

No matter who you are I will be leary of you.  Unless you are Corey because you have held out your hand (or your email, text, blah blah blah) and you are walking a journey of pain and sorrow .  Unless you are Christine because you've not only adopted from a disruption but you also blog about it....(btw: this post is when I said 'hey...she frign gets it. hot damn").  There are more of you. I know.  Oh' how I know. I spoke to one of you today on my way to work.  I hung up and then went into work w/swollen face from sitting in my car for another 20 min. in a puddle of tears.  
I can't really accurately state what I'm wanting to head is spinning.  From Orlando. From the the emotional aspect that it had on my heart....which was much harder than ever expected.  And from a legal/political/job stand point - as our Senate did something rather unethical and from all reports thus far illegal.  Regardless, it effects me.  In a rather negative way.  It will effect my children, my family. 
  Read this post by Christine if you do NOTHING ELSE.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Orlando has come and gone....

............and it is way to long till it comes again.

I knew it would be hard.
I knew it would be great.
I knew I would meet some awesome momma's who are doing way more than I could ever dream of.
I knew I needed to go.
I knew it would be life changing on so many levels.

I went in w/very little expectations. 
For myself - I needed to do that.


Adoption disruption is not for the faint of heart.  It isn't for everyone.  I can't even say it is for anyone. As in who the hell goes into adoption saying "Well....if I don't get my way, if my kid doesn't attach, if this or that happens....we will disrupt".  No. That isn't the case.  And unfortuante for so many parents (momma's) this is the general thought among others.  At least, in my experience.

I've met very few people in my life who have been, who are, who can, who want to.....understand.  And that goes for members of my family.  Close friends who are no longer friends.  Professionals who call themselves Professionals.  And the list goes on and on.

Among the 65-70 women who landed in Orlando from all over the USA and Canada there were a select few of us who have disrupted.   I didn't not get a chance to connect in a way that I was hoping.

There were a couple of ladies who are walking that fine line that I did get to spend a little bit of time with.  I wish it could have been so much more.  I would have given anything.....simple spend a few more hours, another day....another week.....with one of those ladies.  To love on them.  To be loved.  To laugh. To cry.  To just BE!! 

Temporary - Maybe

I've lifted the private off this blog for the moment.  It is likely that any second, depending upon the wind....the smell in the air.....or whatever it might be.....that I will put it back to private.

For is not private.  If you read my blog regularly, I met you at the Orlando Trauma Momma's/Soul Sister Retreat and you would like access should I go private - comment w/your email address. I will not approve the comment in order to protect your email address and so forth.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

To Be Very Honest....

~I knew coming to Orlando would be fun, hard, freakish, and so very much more.

~Hard is an understatement. 

~Huge understatement.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm Here...

and still breathing.

Sitting in MKE airport. Drinking a very large soda. I get 3 refills before I leave. I think i will settle for just 1.  And then I will be boarding a plane. Heading to Baltimore and then from there on to Orlando.

I made it.  I've not back out. I've not went postal and ran anyone over w/my bus. (Although I've thought about it.)

My laptop mouse is acting up. So this will be short.

Sending my love to my peeps who will be meeting up w/me over the next 24 hrs.  To the peeps who are unable to meet up w/us in Orlando.

More later.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

Fake it Till You Make It and more

This morning I had 3 dr appts back to back.  As I mentioned in this post on my other blog I had 2 appts at my primary care office - PT for my shoulder and then to see my primary as a follow up from my accident last week.  The 3rd appt was w/my therapist.

Over the last 2 months I've pretty much fallen off the ledge - or - should say came pretty close.  It isn't so much Corry related as it is a mixture of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g.  With a very large part just plain clinical depression add in significant iron/b12/vit d deficiencies and then add everything else into the mixture.  You can pretty much say I've been a disaster waiting to happen...or not. IDK.

As we went into the depths of hell with Corry in therapy a very common theme was FAKE IT TO YOU MAKE IT montra.  I've never really liked it.  My current and previous therapists have said this to me. And so many others. 

Each time I just think whatever..... 

J my current therapist hasn't worked w/me during a downward spiral that has lasted this long. This morning, as I was trying to hold back tears for various reasons....physically (aka: bruised ribs) and emoitonally....and giving J an update of the last week. She saw a completely different side of me than she ever has.  I've been able hold my composure for the most part and be rather matter of fact.  Someone (you know who you are) recently told me "u are good at not putting it all out there, diminishing how things really are " (or something similiar to that)...

Somewhere along the line she said "Sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it".

It didn't go over so well. I wanted to puke. I let her know telling me to fake it till I make it probably wasn't a good idea. ever. specially when I've been in the space I've been in. Reality is....we were told that w/Cor for years.  And I did. Or tried.  And I didn't make it.  If I did make it. Corry would still be my son. 

And here I am several hours later....still stewing on that piece.

How I physically reacted to that little comment that I've heard soooo many times and even said many times myself.


We discussed some of the anxiety (fears) I have about going to Orlando.  How that mixes in w/my current struggle.


This post has actually taken me several hours to write....bc depression is a serious medical condition and so are anxiety attacks....(I just heard that on the TV) and it has taken me that long to gather my thoughts and keep myself from truly coming unglued....(not like I haven't already).

Tuesday, February 1, 2011

Will He Really Answer Me

Really, Lord?

Do you really think that I needed one more thing on my plate, today? Of all days...after being told I had to be off work for YET another WEEK because of a work comp injury?

Is it my lack of faith?
Is it my lack of testimony?
Is it my lack of anything positive?
Is it...what is it?

I dont' get it.

I've tried to Surrender All...

...I'm thinking I must not be doing it right or some dang thing.

Really...I can't take any.more!!!

My heart just can't take anymore.
My emotional health can't take anymore.
Nothing. Okay.

Sometimes - Love is Enough

I've deleted this post, edited, rinse and repeat several times over the last couple days.

It was something that was spinning in my lil ol' brain yesterday as the 43 ft long vehicle I was driving became acquainted with a Chrysler Town & a rather abrupt manner. Leaving I'm sure the driver of the minivan very sore...since I know how sore I am today. Survival mode went into play for the next hours and the thoughts that were spinnng around in my lil' ol brain took the back burner for a while.

So as to the title of this post....

Sometimes LOVE IS ENOUGH.....and lots of hard work and sweat and tears and I just want to bang my head up against the wall.......sometimes.....All that hard work pays off. Even if it is for one split second of one really hard day.

Atleast it was for this mom....when she blogged yesterday about her daughters MONUMENTAL moment she had w/her daughter V. yesterday. One that left me laying in bed reading her post this morning trying to decide if I shouldl cry because my ribs hurt, because of such a huge moment for V, or just because well....I've done lots of crying lately. I spent so much time looking, waiting, hoping, praying for little moments like Corey and V had yesterday. Hope that....yes indeed....we could get to the end. And the tears shed this morning were a mixture of hope for V and her darling momma and her future healing and grief because damn....I wanted so much for Cor to have that. And I firmly believe...HE could have had just wasn't meant to be. And if V. really wants is there for to grab on and do the hard work. She's doing the hard work. Slowly but surely...she's doing it.

Kuddos to V and Corey. And damn I can't wait till March bc I need a hug!!

Another blog post from another awesome mom on it. Read it. Inhale it if you need. Every single word of it.

So if you've not lost hope......find it. In something. Small.

Sunday, January 30, 2011

Telling someone who struggles with depression to just get over like telling someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk!!

It's Gonna Be Alright....

If you say so! ;-)

I have listened to this song by Sarah Grooves more timews in the last 2-3 weeks than ever. It is a close mix between this song and 'F*ckin Perfect by Pink'

Two very different genre but both very much the same in the realms
Where I find myself.

I've had the same cell phone number ever since --- I got a cell
The day before my youngest was born 8.5 years ago. And my dh has had the same for as long
As I can remember him having one--about 6+ years.

We NEVER give our home number out. When Cor's group home dad (he's had several since) got ahold of our home number 2 yrs was tough. Jms gave him his cell w/strict orders to NNEVER call the house again.

Its happened. A few times over the last month or two.

Then my cells been getting calls.

Unlike my DH...I will change my number. It will be tough. But I will do it.

Part of me feels guilty for thinking that I should. The other part of me screams 'WTH leave me the eff alone' and rinse and repeat.

It's Gonna Be Alright...
Somehow-i keep telling myself.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Sometimes....the smallest of comments.....

......still hurt. More deeply than I would have expected.

I've composed a blog post several times this evening.

Each time deleting the post...instead....of pressing publish post.

Today I've asked myself over and over..."Why in the world do you have to be so dang emotional?"


*****instead of deleting...I'm going to publish. Because....welll......I got this far. I''ve wrote more but deleted bc well...I just have. The subject/first line says it all.***********

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Haven't Forgotten....

I've not forgotten that I posted saying I was going to switch this blog over to private.
I've not forgotten that I really am torn about what I should do.

Truth be this very moment I don't really have the energy or care to deal with it.

And until I have the energy, care, or someone smacks upside the head it is going to just remain as is.

I know have to go put my work shirt up because I guess the 2 kittens in our hous have decided since I hung it over the chair it was free reign to climb up it. Not like they don't have a cat tree and several other places to play. Nope. My work shirt is the best place to be right now.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Bit of a clean up going on here.

I've read one to many emails or 'attempted' comments from asshats who"

A: Don't get disruption
B: Don't get depression.
C: Don't give a crap and just are idiots

And since my own emotional well being has struggled off and on the last several years. With a much deeper dip downward the last 6+ weeks. I've decided to make my blog private.

I don't believe I have many people who follow this anyway. Which makes it much easier to do.

I started this blog for me. For my own therapy so to speak. And if along the way something helped someone. Great.

If you would like me to add you to the list of approved readers - please email me at abnbry @ gmail (dot) com and I will do so. However, if I've never heard from you, don't know what your blog is or anything like that. Please know that you will most likely NOT be approved. I'm sure there are plenty of lurkers that I don't know about. Well, if you are now is the time to come out of lurk-kindom and make yourself known bc right now....I don't care either way. Sorry...just in a beotchy mood.

Over the last hour I've spent a great deal of time 'cleaning up' and deleting several posts. Don't ask why. I just did...because it is my blog and I can.


I probably will set my other blog private, also. Haven't decided at this point.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Should(s) much of what SHOULD of been!

As I sat yesterday (and will be several times over the next months) heart was full so full of gratitude that I have healthy children. That my daughter was competing AND raising money for St. Jude Hospital. Full of gratitude for the ability our family had to be @ this 20th year celebration.

And as with so many milestones that we have and are meeting with Ab, my heart is full of sorrow as I think of all the things tht SHOULD have been.

I watched the young men Cor's age competing for gold medals at EVERY LEVEL and fought back tears at what SHOULD have been.

I'm in no way saying Cor would have been competing. No I'm not. I know he loved to tumble, flip and trampolines and I'm sure given the opportunity could have been one great power tumbler!

It's a tough spot I'm in. As logic, daily life and such tell me we did our best and we know tht the outcome would not change as our son is to sick to live in a family.

Yet logical and grief don't always agree.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

You're going to Orldando....because why?

After our disruption one of the aspects that has been hard for me is how/what/where do you draw the line in telling others.

There are many people who know we adopted Corry. Who were part of his life before he came to our family. Who were friends of ours via church and friends of his bio family via church. This has been something that we haven't been able to take away.

It has been one of the reasons why my attendance has been few and far between when it comes to regular church attendance.

I don't discuss our adoption of Cor and the happenings there-after with my 'now' friends, coworkers and such. Truth of the hardest aspects of this journey has been walking it a.l.o.n.e! My dh and I don't even discuss it.

Recently, I've mentioned on FB that I was working New Year's Eve after having worked ALL day (literally I worked from 5:15am-3:45am w/few breaks in between) and I was doing so bc of the prize....double time in order to pay for my trip to Orlando. Couple other comments were made about purchasing my tickets to Orlando at a REALLY.GOOD.RATE from S.outhwest A.irlines. (under $200 RT). With those comments have come the "why are you going? you are going by yourself? really? no dh? ect ect"

With that has come increased anxiety on my part.


Not that I don't want to.
I can't always do so.

I don't want sympathy.
I don't want the 'oh my g_ that is why my dh and I won't adopt' comments..
I don't want the 'oh my you poor thing, your poor kids, i hope i can remember to not say anything in front of ab, blah.crap.blah.crap.blah.crap.' comments.

It is a tough spot to be in. I've done fairly well over the last few years of picking and choosing when/if something has been said.

Yet, I'm finding myself in an odd place. Where I don't know what to say or not say. I don't want to lie about why I'm going. Yet, I also don't always want to tell others. I've got to request the dates off work. Yet, I don't know what to say to my boss. Because of how our union and time off works.....I will have to get 'pre-approval' for the dates off. I can't go to her to early. Yet, I can't wait to follow the union guidelines...which means I will need to go to my direct boss or the chief of operations for approval. I also recognize that my boss has broken confidentiality in the past when it comes to something that was disclosed in my initial interview process as to why I was unemployed for an extended amount of time. Therefore, I don't 100% trust that I will be able to tell her the 100% truth and have it not shared. Yes, I know I could have recourse. I also know that...I need my job and thus....filing a grievance would not be in my best interest.

So, that is where I'm at.

What and how much, if I disclose about my upcoming trip to Orlando.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What are you trying to teach me, Lord?

There are times in everyone's lives that we find ourselves faced with the fact we have to be strong. For whatever reason it is the only choice we have. I know that each of the RAD mommy and daddy's reading this post will know exactly what I am saying. And I can only imagine that Non-RAD parents think the same thing. Just on a different level and intensity.

Often in my day to day life, more so when Cor was at home/psych hosp/RTC/treatment foster and then after our disruption....I would think...or rather YELL..."Lord, what is it that you are trying to teach me?" . I've cried till I haven't any tears, I've screamed till I haven't any voice left. And still I don't have any more answers today than I did 12 years ago when I started walking down this path.

The last week or so (or more) has been a big "being stong is the only choice I have".
The last week or so (or more) has been a big "what are you trying to teach me, Lord?"

Monday, January 3, 2011

Selah, "Unredeemed"

Very few days go by, if any, that I do not listen to my Ipod on my way to work. It has been no secret, in my blogging/FB that my job is anything but relaxing. Sure days like today...are pretty relaxing and not to bad. Hoewver, 9 out of 10 days are very much the opposite.

That is why nearly before I get out of my car, walk into that building and on to my assignment for the day....I listen to CD that I purchased from Itunes. This is one of the many songs on my IPod from Selah....

I've posted this video before, I believe. There are many days that are great as he states in his 'preference' to signing this version of Unredeemed and there are many days that are not great.

Be blessed by this song as I have.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

17 Years

It was on this day 17 years ago that the UW Badgers played in the Rose Bowl. I really didn't know much about football (still don't). Today the UW Badgers will play in the Rose Bowl. We will all be sporting our "Teach Me How To Bucky" (click link...pretty dang cool video) T-Shirts as we watch the Rose Bowl with our best friend and her husband and children. I'm sure we will be playing the beloved "I'm a Badger Lover" song several times today. :)

The other significance about this date is....

I married my best friend 17 yrs ago today.

I didn't know he was my best friend. When we were married on the very cold snowy day on January 1, 1994....I wasn't to sure what I was getting into.

17 years later and I am so eternally greatful that I did not throw in the towl. That my 19 yr old brain told me this is it...marry this man.

There have been many ups and downs. There have been days/weeks/months where I didn't know or even believe that we would make it as a complete unit until the following January 1 to celebrate that lovely day.
Those were some trying days. It wasn't that I didn't love him. But that is what happens when you parent a child with severe mental health disabilities. That is what happens when you suffer from severe post partum depression..and just plain depression....for several years following the birth of your 2 biological children. That is what can happen when you are faced with the most gut wrenching horrible choice of...letting 1 child go, in order to keep your other 2 children safe. That is what happens when your inlaws are get divorced because of some pretty tough stuff that shakes your husband to his and your wife have separate VERY major surgeries weeks apart and then.....your wife ends up having complications that are life and child bearing is called extreme stress!! It was in these the 2-3 year time span that all of the above (and then some more not mentioned bc it isn't blog-able) happen....that shakes your marriage to the udder core. There have been some very trying years in our marriage. We've got thru them by the pure love and grace of our Father in Heaven. We were not married for Time and All Eternity to throw in the towel w/o a fight.
I'm so thankful for this man and for the inner strength that he holds.

It takes a strong man to be able to swallow his pride and allow his wife to be the bread winner bc he can no longer physically do it. It takes a strong man to be able to accept in today's society that he can no longer work and provide for his family.

He provides for his family more than he will ever know. For this...I am thankful.
I'm thankful that my husband decided to follow the teachings of our religion and go on a mission 20-21 years ago. Thankful that the Lord brought him from his very small town in New the very small branch in Wisconsin...where the seeds were planted for this eternal marriage. I'm thankful that the Lord knew my dh's mission was not to move to WI after his mission to marry someone other than myself and that his previous engagement he could then come back to That Small Town....only to realize that 'that young new member" had actually graduated from HS...and was ready to be his bride.
Today...the Badgers will play in the Rose Bowl again.....
Today...I will lay on my couch and snuggle w/my husband again.....
and again.....and again.....
As I remember how incredible thankful I am.....for this man I call my husband.