Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Harder than it sounds stay present.

Checked the Court Hearing Status for Cor online.

I know what he did was bad.
I know that he would have some significant consequences.
I know these things....

Yet, I was not prepared to read....
.....yet another court hearing that will be his arraignment. 
Can't really say what it does to my heart.
I can't seem to stop the flood of tears since reading this. 

This is the thing...
He is still a baby. 
He shouldn't have to spend Thanksgiving in jail.  (I will venture to say he is in jail since 2 of his several charges are bail jumping.)
He shouldn't have to spend Christmas in jail.
Guilt and grief....full force.

Monday, November 7, 2011

Radical Acceptance

Radical Acceptance

Letting go of fighting reality.

THIS is a VERY hard concept for me.  I will not deny it. I will not deny that I don't believe it 100%. I will not deny that I'm struggling with this concept on an hourly basis right now.  Not only in regards to our disruption and all that surrounds it.  But, with other aspects as well.

Thursday, November 3, 2011

Court Records

Our state has a website to view current and past court preceedings/charges of individuals.  If you get a speeding ticket - it will be on there.  If you file bankruptcy - sometimes it will be on there.  If you foreclose on your house - it will be on there.  If you are arrested for battery, strangulation, bail jumping, and other will be on there.

Few weeks ago I looked up C. Honestly, I was shocked when I saw his name come up with actual charges.  He is not 18.  It broke my heart to see 2 counts of disorderly conduct.  I knew he was being charged with it.  However, I wasn't prepared for it.  Does that make any sense?

This evening, because I'm struggling in a rather raw way, I checked to see what the newest charges were and if I would be able to get an idea if C was still in jail or not.  Again, I was not prepared for what I read.  I needed to read he was still in jail.  I did not need to read "bail jumping".  Dear Lord he is ONLY 17...bail jumping. 

This is what I found:  (Name, address, birthdate and such have been removed)


Count No.
Misd. A
Misd. A
Criminal Damage to Property
Misd. A
Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor
Misd. A
Bail Jumping-Misdemeanor
Misd. A
Strangulation and Suffocation
Felony H
Intimidate Victim/Dissuade Reporting
Misd. A

and then all I could do was say:

......I started a VERY HOT tub of water.  Because the hot water somehow...numbs the pain.  It was my coping mechnism when C was home.  And still is.