Sunday, January 30, 2011

Telling someone who struggles with depression to just get over like telling someone in a wheelchair to just get up and walk!!

It's Gonna Be Alright....

If you say so! ;-)

I have listened to this song by Sarah Grooves more timews in the last 2-3 weeks than ever. It is a close mix between this song and 'F*ckin Perfect by Pink'

Two very different genre but both very much the same in the realms
Where I find myself.

I've had the same cell phone number ever since --- I got a cell
The day before my youngest was born 8.5 years ago. And my dh has had the same for as long
As I can remember him having one--about 6+ years.

We NEVER give our home number out. When Cor's group home dad (he's had several since) got ahold of our home number 2 yrs was tough. Jms gave him his cell w/strict orders to NNEVER call the house again.

Its happened. A few times over the last month or two.

Then my cells been getting calls.

Unlike my DH...I will change my number. It will be tough. But I will do it.

Part of me feels guilty for thinking that I should. The other part of me screams 'WTH leave me the eff alone' and rinse and repeat.

It's Gonna Be Alright...
Somehow-i keep telling myself.

Saturday, January 29, 2011

Sometimes....the smallest of comments.....

......still hurt. More deeply than I would have expected.

I've composed a blog post several times this evening.

Each time deleting the post...instead....of pressing publish post.

Today I've asked myself over and over..."Why in the world do you have to be so dang emotional?"


*****instead of deleting...I'm going to publish. Because....welll......I got this far. I''ve wrote more but deleted bc well...I just have. The subject/first line says it all.***********

Sunday, January 23, 2011

Haven't Forgotten....

I've not forgotten that I posted saying I was going to switch this blog over to private.
I've not forgotten that I really am torn about what I should do.

Truth be this very moment I don't really have the energy or care to deal with it.

And until I have the energy, care, or someone smacks upside the head it is going to just remain as is.

I know have to go put my work shirt up because I guess the 2 kittens in our hous have decided since I hung it over the chair it was free reign to climb up it. Not like they don't have a cat tree and several other places to play. Nope. My work shirt is the best place to be right now.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


Bit of a clean up going on here.

I've read one to many emails or 'attempted' comments from asshats who"

A: Don't get disruption
B: Don't get depression.
C: Don't give a crap and just are idiots

And since my own emotional well being has struggled off and on the last several years. With a much deeper dip downward the last 6+ weeks. I've decided to make my blog private.

I don't believe I have many people who follow this anyway. Which makes it much easier to do.

I started this blog for me. For my own therapy so to speak. And if along the way something helped someone. Great.

If you would like me to add you to the list of approved readers - please email me at abnbry @ gmail (dot) com and I will do so. However, if I've never heard from you, don't know what your blog is or anything like that. Please know that you will most likely NOT be approved. I'm sure there are plenty of lurkers that I don't know about. Well, if you are now is the time to come out of lurk-kindom and make yourself known bc right now....I don't care either way. Sorry...just in a beotchy mood.

Over the last hour I've spent a great deal of time 'cleaning up' and deleting several posts. Don't ask why. I just did...because it is my blog and I can.


I probably will set my other blog private, also. Haven't decided at this point.

Sunday, January 16, 2011

Should(s) much of what SHOULD of been!

As I sat yesterday (and will be several times over the next months) heart was full so full of gratitude that I have healthy children. That my daughter was competing AND raising money for St. Jude Hospital. Full of gratitude for the ability our family had to be @ this 20th year celebration.

And as with so many milestones that we have and are meeting with Ab, my heart is full of sorrow as I think of all the things tht SHOULD have been.

I watched the young men Cor's age competing for gold medals at EVERY LEVEL and fought back tears at what SHOULD have been.

I'm in no way saying Cor would have been competing. No I'm not. I know he loved to tumble, flip and trampolines and I'm sure given the opportunity could have been one great power tumbler!

It's a tough spot I'm in. As logic, daily life and such tell me we did our best and we know tht the outcome would not change as our son is to sick to live in a family.

Yet logical and grief don't always agree.

Sunday, January 9, 2011

You're going to Orldando....because why?

After our disruption one of the aspects that has been hard for me is how/what/where do you draw the line in telling others.

There are many people who know we adopted Corry. Who were part of his life before he came to our family. Who were friends of ours via church and friends of his bio family via church. This has been something that we haven't been able to take away.

It has been one of the reasons why my attendance has been few and far between when it comes to regular church attendance.

I don't discuss our adoption of Cor and the happenings there-after with my 'now' friends, coworkers and such. Truth of the hardest aspects of this journey has been walking it a.l.o.n.e! My dh and I don't even discuss it.

Recently, I've mentioned on FB that I was working New Year's Eve after having worked ALL day (literally I worked from 5:15am-3:45am w/few breaks in between) and I was doing so bc of the prize....double time in order to pay for my trip to Orlando. Couple other comments were made about purchasing my tickets to Orlando at a REALLY.GOOD.RATE from S.outhwest A.irlines. (under $200 RT). With those comments have come the "why are you going? you are going by yourself? really? no dh? ect ect"

With that has come increased anxiety on my part.


Not that I don't want to.
I can't always do so.

I don't want sympathy.
I don't want the 'oh my g_ that is why my dh and I won't adopt' comments..
I don't want the 'oh my you poor thing, your poor kids, i hope i can remember to not say anything in front of ab, blah.crap.blah.crap.blah.crap.' comments.

It is a tough spot to be in. I've done fairly well over the last few years of picking and choosing when/if something has been said.

Yet, I'm finding myself in an odd place. Where I don't know what to say or not say. I don't want to lie about why I'm going. Yet, I also don't always want to tell others. I've got to request the dates off work. Yet, I don't know what to say to my boss. Because of how our union and time off works.....I will have to get 'pre-approval' for the dates off. I can't go to her to early. Yet, I can't wait to follow the union guidelines...which means I will need to go to my direct boss or the chief of operations for approval. I also recognize that my boss has broken confidentiality in the past when it comes to something that was disclosed in my initial interview process as to why I was unemployed for an extended amount of time. Therefore, I don't 100% trust that I will be able to tell her the 100% truth and have it not shared. Yes, I know I could have recourse. I also know that...I need my job and thus....filing a grievance would not be in my best interest.

So, that is where I'm at.

What and how much, if I disclose about my upcoming trip to Orlando.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

What are you trying to teach me, Lord?

There are times in everyone's lives that we find ourselves faced with the fact we have to be strong. For whatever reason it is the only choice we have. I know that each of the RAD mommy and daddy's reading this post will know exactly what I am saying. And I can only imagine that Non-RAD parents think the same thing. Just on a different level and intensity.

Often in my day to day life, more so when Cor was at home/psych hosp/RTC/treatment foster and then after our disruption....I would think...or rather YELL..."Lord, what is it that you are trying to teach me?" . I've cried till I haven't any tears, I've screamed till I haven't any voice left. And still I don't have any more answers today than I did 12 years ago when I started walking down this path.

The last week or so (or more) has been a big "being stong is the only choice I have".
The last week or so (or more) has been a big "what are you trying to teach me, Lord?"

Monday, January 3, 2011

Selah, "Unredeemed"

Very few days go by, if any, that I do not listen to my Ipod on my way to work. It has been no secret, in my blogging/FB that my job is anything but relaxing. Sure days like today...are pretty relaxing and not to bad. Hoewver, 9 out of 10 days are very much the opposite.

That is why nearly before I get out of my car, walk into that building and on to my assignment for the day....I listen to CD that I purchased from Itunes. This is one of the many songs on my IPod from Selah....

I've posted this video before, I believe. There are many days that are great as he states in his 'preference' to signing this version of Unredeemed and there are many days that are not great.

Be blessed by this song as I have.

Saturday, January 1, 2011

17 Years

It was on this day 17 years ago that the UW Badgers played in the Rose Bowl. I really didn't know much about football (still don't). Today the UW Badgers will play in the Rose Bowl. We will all be sporting our "Teach Me How To Bucky" (click link...pretty dang cool video) T-Shirts as we watch the Rose Bowl with our best friend and her husband and children. I'm sure we will be playing the beloved "I'm a Badger Lover" song several times today. :)

The other significance about this date is....

I married my best friend 17 yrs ago today.

I didn't know he was my best friend. When we were married on the very cold snowy day on January 1, 1994....I wasn't to sure what I was getting into.

17 years later and I am so eternally greatful that I did not throw in the towl. That my 19 yr old brain told me this is it...marry this man.

There have been many ups and downs. There have been days/weeks/months where I didn't know or even believe that we would make it as a complete unit until the following January 1 to celebrate that lovely day.
Those were some trying days. It wasn't that I didn't love him. But that is what happens when you parent a child with severe mental health disabilities. That is what happens when you suffer from severe post partum depression..and just plain depression....for several years following the birth of your 2 biological children. That is what can happen when you are faced with the most gut wrenching horrible choice of...letting 1 child go, in order to keep your other 2 children safe. That is what happens when your inlaws are get divorced because of some pretty tough stuff that shakes your husband to his and your wife have separate VERY major surgeries weeks apart and then.....your wife ends up having complications that are life and child bearing is called extreme stress!! It was in these the 2-3 year time span that all of the above (and then some more not mentioned bc it isn't blog-able) happen....that shakes your marriage to the udder core. There have been some very trying years in our marriage. We've got thru them by the pure love and grace of our Father in Heaven. We were not married for Time and All Eternity to throw in the towel w/o a fight.
I'm so thankful for this man and for the inner strength that he holds.

It takes a strong man to be able to swallow his pride and allow his wife to be the bread winner bc he can no longer physically do it. It takes a strong man to be able to accept in today's society that he can no longer work and provide for his family.

He provides for his family more than he will ever know. For this...I am thankful.
I'm thankful that my husband decided to follow the teachings of our religion and go on a mission 20-21 years ago. Thankful that the Lord brought him from his very small town in New the very small branch in Wisconsin...where the seeds were planted for this eternal marriage. I'm thankful that the Lord knew my dh's mission was not to move to WI after his mission to marry someone other than myself and that his previous engagement he could then come back to That Small Town....only to realize that 'that young new member" had actually graduated from HS...and was ready to be his bride.
Today...the Badgers will play in the Rose Bowl again.....
Today...I will lay on my couch and snuggle w/my husband again.....
and again.....and again.....
As I remember how incredible thankful I am.....for this man I call my husband.