Thursday, March 31, 2011


Closed comments to annon users. 
I have no patience or empathy on stupid people.  Plain.cut.simple.dry!!!

Enough said.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

These are the days....

and weeks....
and months......


I just want to go to bed. 
Set the alarm back about 12-13 years.


take a do-over.

Walk the steps differently.
Believe differently.
Trust differently.

I would do it.

I'm going to bed.
Going to set my alarm ahead  so that I remember to wake up and go to work.
And pray that somehow....

the next day.....
the next week....
the next month.....
or even the next life.....

There will be closure.

....PS: I have VERY little faith that will happen.  But hell it is worth the try, right?

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Selah-All of me

And then....this evening as I laid in bed trying to make sense of "all that is me" and the doubt and weary heart that I've had for so long.....I turned on the radio. Life 102.5.....the DJ was speaking to me I'm guessing. Because before he played this song he said "my friends....those of you who are weary, have lost your way.....this is for you. Surrender all of your heart....(and more)..."

That would be me. Weary. Broken. Lost. Grief Stricken. Over. And. Over. Again.....fear and doubt definately plague my thoughts so often.

"You're Not Alone" (LDS)

Few days ago I needed to just get out of the house. And so I went for a drive. Lacking the IPod cord I needed I listened to my CD's.

This is what I heard....

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Rocky Waves

Cocoa Beach, FL
I don't even know that I can truthfully blog about how incredible hurt I am right being one of those days.

Hell, I don't even know when the tears will stop falling.

I've started this blog post over and over and over again over the last hour or so.

I guess looking at the photo header "You Are Not Alone" is what I need to do.  Becuase right now, in my my my life as a whole....I am very much alone.  And that knife that has been jabbed into my heart so many times over the last 12 years just got a bit deeper.  Twisted a bit more and a bit deeper.

Someone please tell me again...Why in the hell did I ever want to adopt?  Why did I ever agree to adopt? Why?  Seriously!  Because something that I truly thought was sooooo very much what the Lord wanted us to do...has turned out to be so damn horrific and painful.  And continues to be a mess on my marriage.

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

Cocoa Beach, FL - Seeking Shelter from the Rain
 While we were at Cocoa Beach on Friday it began to rain.  When we first arrived the sky was bright blue and beautiful.  The waves/water were just as beautiful.  Children and families everywhere.  Digging and building in the sand.

After being there for a little bit (less than an hour) it began to sprinkle.  The waves started getting bigger/rockier.

We sought shelter under the Pier (AKA: Restraunt).

There is beauty in the dark and dreariness under that pier.  Even though at moments the waves were (are) rocky and fierce....the beauty continues to shine on.

I'm trying to see the beauty that lies in the rocky waves of my heart today.  And not having much success.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

Layers of Loss as told by Peace in Puzzles (and my .02 cents)

I'm quite certain if you read my blog you also read Peace in Puzzles.  Just in case you don't and/or you missed this awesome post called Layers of Loss.  You  need to stop what you are doing.  Take a deep breathe.  And move fwd and read this beautiful article.  Right now.  Then come back and read the rest of this post.


Many times during the last 6-8 weeks prior to going to Orlando - I had to be talked down off the ledge and reminded that I WOULD needed to go.  Nothing horrible would happen. 

And I did.
And I had a great time.
And it didn't kill me. (I never believed that it would kill me. But you might have)
And I didn't kill anyone else. (It wasn't really something I thought would happen. But you might have)
And there were moments that I had to get up and walk away from the conversation in order to prevent myself from wanting to scream and/or kicking something/someone. 

Regardless of what our own individual opinions, thoughts, desires, circumstances, ect ect ect....every single mother that stepped foot on Orlando (actually Kissimmee) soil last week...was sooo veyr different than the other.  Yet, we were all soooooooooooooooo very much the same. 

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

More thoughts on Orlando 2011

I've thought a great deal about my weekend in Orlando. 
I've started, stopped, backed up, deleted, erased and came back over and over again. 
Mostly in part because I find myself feeling very very vulnerable.
The entire time I was Cor's mom....I was judged. 
By my husband.
By my family.
By my friends.
By the professionals in our life.
By everyone!
I'm not saying that to 'over-kill' it. 

It is what it is - one might say.

However, the damage is done. 

No matter who you are I will be leary of you.  Unless you are Corey because you have held out your hand (or your email, text, blah blah blah) and you are walking a journey of pain and sorrow .  Unless you are Christine because you've not only adopted from a disruption but you also blog about it....(btw: this post is when I said 'hey...she frign gets it. hot damn").  There are more of you. I know.  Oh' how I know. I spoke to one of you today on my way to work.  I hung up and then went into work w/swollen face from sitting in my car for another 20 min. in a puddle of tears.  
I can't really accurately state what I'm wanting to head is spinning.  From Orlando. From the the emotional aspect that it had on my heart....which was much harder than ever expected.  And from a legal/political/job stand point - as our Senate did something rather unethical and from all reports thus far illegal.  Regardless, it effects me.  In a rather negative way.  It will effect my children, my family. 
  Read this post by Christine if you do NOTHING ELSE.

Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Orlando has come and gone....

............and it is way to long till it comes again.

I knew it would be hard.
I knew it would be great.
I knew I would meet some awesome momma's who are doing way more than I could ever dream of.
I knew I needed to go.
I knew it would be life changing on so many levels.

I went in w/very little expectations. 
For myself - I needed to do that.


Adoption disruption is not for the faint of heart.  It isn't for everyone.  I can't even say it is for anyone. As in who the hell goes into adoption saying "Well....if I don't get my way, if my kid doesn't attach, if this or that happens....we will disrupt".  No. That isn't the case.  And unfortuante for so many parents (momma's) this is the general thought among others.  At least, in my experience.

I've met very few people in my life who have been, who are, who can, who want to.....understand.  And that goes for members of my family.  Close friends who are no longer friends.  Professionals who call themselves Professionals.  And the list goes on and on.

Among the 65-70 women who landed in Orlando from all over the USA and Canada there were a select few of us who have disrupted.   I didn't not get a chance to connect in a way that I was hoping.

There were a couple of ladies who are walking that fine line that I did get to spend a little bit of time with.  I wish it could have been so much more.  I would have given anything.....simple spend a few more hours, another day....another week.....with one of those ladies.  To love on them.  To be loved.  To laugh. To cry.  To just BE!! 

Temporary - Maybe

I've lifted the private off this blog for the moment.  It is likely that any second, depending upon the wind....the smell in the air.....or whatever it might be.....that I will put it back to private.

For is not private.  If you read my blog regularly, I met you at the Orlando Trauma Momma's/Soul Sister Retreat and you would like access should I go private - comment w/your email address. I will not approve the comment in order to protect your email address and so forth.

Saturday, March 5, 2011

To Be Very Honest....

~I knew coming to Orlando would be fun, hard, freakish, and so very much more.

~Hard is an understatement. 

~Huge understatement.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

I'm Here...

and still breathing.

Sitting in MKE airport. Drinking a very large soda. I get 3 refills before I leave. I think i will settle for just 1.  And then I will be boarding a plane. Heading to Baltimore and then from there on to Orlando.

I made it.  I've not back out. I've not went postal and ran anyone over w/my bus. (Although I've thought about it.)

My laptop mouse is acting up. So this will be short.

Sending my love to my peeps who will be meeting up w/me over the next 24 hrs.  To the peeps who are unable to meet up w/us in Orlando.

More later.