Sunday, February 15, 2009

~UGH - People Just Don't Getting It~

Of all people...I would guess my mom.....who saw what we lived threw, she saw the hell that our household was.....

Would get it...instead I have had her complain (trying to be nice here)....about our visit to her home yesterday...with the little gal we do respite for.

Just like with Cor was at home, until she saw the after affects w/our daughter and then our youngest, she didn't get it. Even still, today...several years later. She still points blame and it is so frustrating. Frustrating because I know she gets, I really do. Yet, because of the medical disorder that this child has, she is giving her more space to be RAD-dy, controlling, and just plain obstinate. Instead, it is our fault.

UGH. just.plain.irratating.

This rant she went on (that is the source of my rant) started when I made a comment about being hit in the face during church this morning and how it took me by surprise, which it really shouldn't have because she hits her mother all the time. Yet, has never hit me, until today. My mom's rants started and went on for at least 20 minutes.

This is not something that I needed to listen to this evening. Hell, I listened to it for 8 yrs w/Cor. I sure as hell don't need to listen to it any more.

~A Step Forward~

For many reasons, that I don't really want to go into on this blog, we stopped going to church. However, there is a portion that I will/can talk about. It definately, was related to our disruption.

To say that I, was mad at God, my Father in Heaven, and everyone else, would be a definate understatement. More so, I was/am mad at some of the leaders w/in our religion, Cor's birth grandparents (grandpa).

A few months ago, we had a set of Elders who came by one evening. For the last couple of months (since before Thanksgiving), these 2 young men have been so persistant, coming to our home at least 2 times per week.

Bless their hearts. Bless them for knowing that our family needed them to follow the Lord's lead.

This evening, our daughter, Ab who is 9 will be baptised. In our religion we believe that children should be baptised at the age of 8. We've come a long way in the last few months as a family.

These young men have brought so much into our family and home and I will be forever greatful for them.

We found out that one of them will be transferred this week. Interestingly, enough..this is the young man who felt extremely inspired by his Father in Heaven to continue to come to our home.

Check my other blog in a day or so and I will post Ms. Ab's pretty pics.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

Disruption and Death of a Child...

Recently on a group that I belong to someone wrote that "an adoption disruption almost feels like a death of your child..."

*****WARNING**DISCLAIMER***In absolutely no way, shape or form is it my intent to hurt anyones feelings. Specifically anyone who has suffered the death of a child, anyone who has suffered the death of their child and had 'any' of the things that I am going to mention happen to them. I can not even begin to imagine your pain and grief as it is, most certainly completely different than mine. I know this because I have had several people tell me, who read this blog, who have linked my blogs to their posts and then made indirect comments...the difference is huge. I know!! So please know that this is directed at myself, my own feelings, thoughts and pain, and I will not relate it to 'your' pain and suffering.

This is something that I've thought about for several years. Way before we even disrupted our adoption. I have been chastised greatly for making that comment to someone (more on that later) and so for the last 2+ yrs have not repeated it to a single soul sole.
But tonight I have decided that I will talk about it. This post, like some of my others, might get really long. If you are in a hurry, come back another day. If not, grab some tea and cookies, kick your legs up and listen to my mumble jumble rant, or whatever you might want to call it.
During one particular rough patch after our disruption I told my 'then' therapist that in some ways if my son had passed away it might be easier to deal with this pain and grief. That this would be such a different path. She was mortified that I said this. She made if very clear to me that she couldn't believe I actually said this. Even though she had experience personally with adopting, I do believe had her fair share of problems, ect She did not understand the depths of what I was trying to say...
When I said to her "N_ if my son would have had cancer or a tumor and I did everything in my power as his parent to get him the help care that he needed and it still wasn't good you think that my SIL would have chastised me by saying the hurtful, horrible things that she has said to me? Do you think that the child life therapist look at the parents in the Pediatric ICU and tell them...because you stayed home this morning and breastfed your newborn and went to the Halloween Party with your 1st grader...that you are a bad parent? Do you HONESTLY think that you would tell a parent who lost their child after years of dealing with luekemia that 'you should have done one more thing..and that...would have been enough?"

She didn't say anything. She just sat quietly.
Sadly enough, nobody “gets it”. So, very few people are kind, most ignore the situation or judge and condemn.
My very own sister in law, once a friend, prior to marrying my BIL...said to me "At least now he will be going to somewhere where he is loved". Out of all of the things that someone said to me..this ranks in the top 5 for the most hurtfull...truthfully...the most hurtful.
How about the psychiatrist who called my sons AT over and over and made accusations it was 'me' who was the problem. That is right, I just adopted this child and set him up and taught him how, what, when to do all these things. I was the problem because this child who was 6 yrs old at the time tried to sufficate his 15 month old sister.
Vengence was had the day that one of the most beloved therapists in the world (Joan..I miss you...she retired) called me out of the blue one day and told me "Just thought you might take great joy in knowing that the D_ Health decided to not renew this particular pdocs contract. She has been let go". OMGosh can you say "AMEN". She wasn't our doc at the time. If she was...I would have made sure she knew how greatful I was that her
One parent wrote this...
I think it is so painful because it feels like a betrayal. At the lowest point of my life, when I most needed support from those close to me, instead I got slapped in the face (figuratively) and blamed for my problems. That really does hurt.
I could not have said it any better than this!!
I often wonder if the fingers were not placed back at me, if I received the support I needed at a time when we were so damn vulnerable....would this grief process be so much different? I think it would have. I know it would have. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry.
With the death of a child. There is closure. There is such a wonderful plan after we leave this earth and our children, parents, friends, family...will be healed of everything. The pain is taken away and the loved one is now free.

With the disruption of a child. There is no closure. Not always, rarely ever, is there a wonderful plan. The child still suffers...yet, another loss. The child is still in pain. The loved one is NOT free of his/her pain.
Two very different subjects.
Two very different experiences.
Something that I pray I or anyone ever has to experience.
Something that I pray doesn't have to happen..