Thursday, February 5, 2009

Disruption and Death of a Child...

Recently on a group that I belong to someone wrote that "an adoption disruption almost feels like a death of your child..."

*****WARNING**DISCLAIMER***In absolutely no way, shape or form is it my intent to hurt anyones feelings. Specifically anyone who has suffered the death of a child, anyone who has suffered the death of their child and had 'any' of the things that I am going to mention happen to them. I can not even begin to imagine your pain and grief as it is, most certainly completely different than mine. I know this because I have had several people tell me, who read this blog, who have linked my blogs to their posts and then made indirect comments...the difference is huge. I know!! So please know that this is directed at myself, my own feelings, thoughts and pain, and I will not relate it to 'your' pain and suffering.

This is something that I've thought about for several years. Way before we even disrupted our adoption. I have been chastised greatly for making that comment to someone (more on that later) and so for the last 2+ yrs have not repeated it to a single soul sole.
But tonight I have decided that I will talk about it. This post, like some of my others, might get really long. If you are in a hurry, come back another day. If not, grab some tea and cookies, kick your legs up and listen to my mumble jumble rant, or whatever you might want to call it.
During one particular rough patch after our disruption I told my 'then' therapist that in some ways if my son had passed away it might be easier to deal with this pain and grief. That this would be such a different path. She was mortified that I said this. She made if very clear to me that she couldn't believe I actually said this. Even though she had experience personally with adopting, I do believe had her fair share of problems, ect She did not understand the depths of what I was trying to say...
When I said to her "N_ if my son would have had cancer or a tumor and I did everything in my power as his parent to get him the help care that he needed and it still wasn't good you think that my SIL would have chastised me by saying the hurtful, horrible things that she has said to me? Do you think that the child life therapist look at the parents in the Pediatric ICU and tell them...because you stayed home this morning and breastfed your newborn and went to the Halloween Party with your 1st grader...that you are a bad parent? Do you HONESTLY think that you would tell a parent who lost their child after years of dealing with luekemia that 'you should have done one more thing..and that...would have been enough?"

She didn't say anything. She just sat quietly.
Sadly enough, nobody “gets it”. So, very few people are kind, most ignore the situation or judge and condemn.
My very own sister in law, once a friend, prior to marrying my BIL...said to me "At least now he will be going to somewhere where he is loved". Out of all of the things that someone said to me..this ranks in the top 5 for the most hurtfull...truthfully...the most hurtful.
How about the psychiatrist who called my sons AT over and over and made accusations it was 'me' who was the problem. That is right, I just adopted this child and set him up and taught him how, what, when to do all these things. I was the problem because this child who was 6 yrs old at the time tried to sufficate his 15 month old sister.
Vengence was had the day that one of the most beloved therapists in the world (Joan..I miss you...she retired) called me out of the blue one day and told me "Just thought you might take great joy in knowing that the D_ Health decided to not renew this particular pdocs contract. She has been let go". OMGosh can you say "AMEN". She wasn't our doc at the time. If she was...I would have made sure she knew how greatful I was that her
One parent wrote this...
I think it is so painful because it feels like a betrayal. At the lowest point of my life, when I most needed support from those close to me, instead I got slapped in the face (figuratively) and blamed for my problems. That really does hurt.
I could not have said it any better than this!!
I often wonder if the fingers were not placed back at me, if I received the support I needed at a time when we were so damn vulnerable....would this grief process be so much different? I think it would have. I know it would have. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry.
With the death of a child. There is closure. There is such a wonderful plan after we leave this earth and our children, parents, friends, family...will be healed of everything. The pain is taken away and the loved one is now free.

With the disruption of a child. There is no closure. Not always, rarely ever, is there a wonderful plan. The child still suffers...yet, another loss. The child is still in pain. The loved one is NOT free of his/her pain.
Two very different subjects.
Two very different experiences.
Something that I pray I or anyone ever has to experience.
Something that I pray doesn't have to happen..


Brenda said...

What you are saying does make sense. I am so sorry you had to come into contact with unprofessional professionals. You deserve better ((((hugs))))

Lisa said...

Point the finger at the parent and it absolves the "professional" of accountability. They can't cure a child whose parent is continuously undermining the therapy. Yes, you really have that kind of power (sheesh).

I've thought the exact same thing about grieving my sons death being better than this. I beat myself up for years, I HAD to try "just one more thing" and still am doing that. I just don't have the hope I used to have that this next thing will be the ticket to open this child's brain up to the possibilities and wonder of our world. My son has FASD so - organic brain damage - on top of RAD so what are his chances of "getting it"? I sure know that the people in our lives don't get it. There are no words to describe the behaviors - they really have to experience the craziness day after day to understand and then also have to come to the realization that trying one more thing is not going to be the be-all cure-all they think it is.

If I had the support and understanding I needed to get through this journey? I can't even imagine it now. My oldest sons' fiance turned us into CPS for abusing our RAD son because she claimed he was being singled out and scapegoated and he was underfed (another FASD sign, he looks much younger than he is even though he eats more than my husband). She didn't get it, in spite of many, many conversations about him and his needs. CPS investigated, we gave them more information and documentation than they ever dreamed they'd get from us - we blew the allegations right out of the water - but we lost our oldest son to this craziness. He took her side and married her. He knew better but couldn't explain it to her. She didn't want to hear that this is possible. She said she turned us in so that Daniel "could get the help he deserved" - so where is that help? Does it even exist? I would do anything I could to heal my son, I don't believe it can be done anymore. He makes allegations that we beat him, starve him, and lock him up to whomever will listen now. Just a new skill he learned in the hospital - another CPS investigation where the investigator told me we're doing everything they could imagine advising us to do and to hang in there and keep pushing for residential placement. Another thing that's just not available because "he's not bad enough yet".

I have been preventing my son from being placed in juvie for the past two years. First I homeschooled for the last year and a half (an absolute nightmare) because he was stealing from everyone in school and when I couldn't do that anymore, had him hospitalized for 17 days and then enrolled him in public school this past Jan. He's been suspended 5 times since then - the last time because he threatened to stab a teacher. He's going to end up in juvie and I think I will be a tad relieved when he is. I don't know what the answers are either - does anyone?