*****WARNING**DISCLAIMER***In absolutely no way, shape or form is it my intent to hurt anyones feelings. Specifically anyone who has suffered the death of a child, anyone who has suffered the death of their child and had 'any' of the things that I am going to mention happen to them. I can not even begin to imagine your pain and grief as it is, most certainly completely different than mine. I know this because I have had several people tell me, who read this blog, who have linked my blogs to their posts and then made indirect comments...the difference is huge. I know!! So please know that this is directed at myself, my own feelings, thoughts and pain, and I will not relate it to 'your' pain and suffering.
This is something that I've thought about for several years. Way before we even disrupted our adoption. I have been chastised greatly for making that comment to someone (more on that later) and so for the last 2+ yrs have not repeated it to a single soul sole.
But tonight I have decided that I will talk about it. This post, like some of my others, might get really long. If you are in a hurry, come back another day. If not, grab some tea and cookies, kick your legs up and listen to my mumble jumble rant, or whatever you might want to call it.
During one particular rough patch after our disruption I told my 'then' therapist that in some ways if my son had passed away it might be easier to deal with this pain and grief. That this would be such a different path. She was mortified that I said this. She made if very clear to me that she couldn't believe I actually said this. Even though she had experience personally with adopting, I do believe had her fair share of problems, ect ect...she.did.not.get.it. She did not understand the depths of what I was trying to say...
When I said to her "N_ if my son would have had cancer or a tumor and I did everything in my power as his parent to get him the help care that he needed and it still wasn't good enough....do you think that my SIL would have chastised me by saying the hurtful, horrible things that she has said to me? Do you think that the child life therapist look at the parents in the Pediatric ICU and tell them...because you stayed home this morning and breastfed your newborn and went to the Halloween Party with your 1st grader...that you are a bad parent? Do you HONESTLY think that you would tell a parent who lost their child after years of dealing with luekemia that 'you should have done one more thing..and that...would have been enough?"
She didn't say anything. She just sat quietly.
She didn't say anything. She just sat quietly.
Sadly enough, nobody “gets it”. So, very few people are kind, most ignore the situation or judge and condemn.
My very own sister in law, once a friend, prior to marrying my BIL...said to me "At least now he will be going to somewhere where he is loved". Out of all of the things that someone said to me..this ranks in the top 5 for the most hurtfull...truthfully...the most hurtful.
How about the psychiatrist who called my sons AT over and over and made accusations it was 'me' who was the problem. That is right, I just adopted this child and set him up and taught him how, what, when to do all these things. I was the problem because this child who was 6 yrs old at the time tried to sufficate his 15 month old sister.
Vengence was had the day that one of the most beloved therapists in the world (Joan..I miss you...she retired) called me out of the blue one day and told me "Just thought you might take great joy in knowing that the D_ Health decided to not renew this particular pdocs contract. She has been let go". OMGosh can you say "AMEN". She wasn't our doc at the time. If she was...I would have made sure she knew how greatful I was that her employer...got.it.got.that.she.needed.to.not.work.with.children.anymore.
One parent wrote this...
I think it is so painful because it feels like a betrayal. At the lowest point of my life, when I most needed support from those close to me, instead I got slapped in the face (figuratively) and blamed for my problems. That really does hurt.
I could not have said it any better than this!!
I often wonder if the fingers were not placed back at me, if I received the support I needed at a time when we were so damn vulnerable....would this grief process be so much different? I think it would have. I know it would have. Plain.Cut.Simple.Dry.
With the death of a child. There is closure. There is such a wonderful plan after we leave this earth and our children, parents, friends, family...will be healed of everything. The pain is taken away and the loved one is now free.
With the disruption of a child. There is no closure. Not always, rarely ever, is there a wonderful plan. The child still suffers...yet, another loss. The child is still in pain. The loved one is NOT free of his/her pain.
Two very different subjects.
Two very different experiences.
Something that I pray I or anyone ever has to experience.
Something that I pray doesn't have to happen..