Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Over the last 2 months I've pretty much fallen off the ledge - or - should say came pretty close. It isn't so much Corry related as it is a mixture of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. With a very large part just plain clinical depression add in significant iron/b12/vit d deficiencies and then add everything else into the mixture. You can pretty much say I've been a disaster waiting to happen...or not. IDK.
As we went into the depths of hell with Corry in therapy a very common theme was FAKE IT TO YOU MAKE IT montra. I've never really liked it. My current and previous therapists have said this to me. And so many others.
Each time I just think whatever.....
J my current therapist hasn't worked w/me during a downward spiral that has lasted this long. This morning, as I was trying to hold back tears for various reasons....physically (aka: bruised ribs) and emoitonally....and giving J an update of the last week. She saw a completely different side of me than she ever has. I've been able hold my composure for the most part and be rather matter of fact. Someone (you know who you are) recently told me "u are good at not putting it all out there, diminishing how things really are " (or something similiar to that)...
Somewhere along the line she said "Sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it".
It didn't go over so well. I wanted to puke. I let her know telling me to fake it till I make it probably wasn't a good idea. ever. specially when I've been in the space I've been in. Reality is....we were told that w/Cor for years. And I did. Or tried. And I didn't make it. If I did make it. Corry would still be my son.
And here I am several hours later....still stewing on that piece.
How I physically reacted to that little comment that I've heard soooo many times and even said many times myself.
We discussed some of the anxiety (fears) I have about going to Orlando. How that mixes in w/my current struggle.
This post has actually taken me several hours to write....bc depression is a serious medical condition and so are anxiety attacks....(I just heard that on the TV) and it has taken me that long to gather my thoughts and keep myself from truly coming unglued....(not like I haven't already).
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Is it my lack of faith?
Is it my lack of testimony?
Is it my lack of anything positive?
Is it...what is it?
I dont' get it.
I've tried to Surrender All...
...I'm thinking I must not be doing it right or some dang thing.
Really...I can't take any.more!!!
My heart just can't take anymore.
My emotional health can't take anymore.
It was something that was spinning in my lil ol' brain yesterday as the 43 ft long vehicle I was driving became acquainted with a Chrysler Town & Country....in a rather abrupt manner. Leaving I'm sure the driver of the minivan very sore...since I know how sore I am today. Survival mode went into play for the next hours and the thoughts that were spinnng around in my lil' ol brain took the back burner for a while.
So as to the title of this post....
Sometimes LOVE IS ENOUGH.....and lots of hard work and sweat and tears and I just want to bang my head up against the wall.......sometimes.....All that hard work pays off. Even if it is for one split second of one really hard day.
Atleast it was for this mom....when she blogged yesterday about her daughters MONUMENTAL moment she had w/her daughter V. yesterday. One that left me laying in bed reading her post this morning trying to decide if I shouldl cry because my ribs hurt, because of such a huge moment for V, or just because well....I've done lots of crying lately. I spent so much time looking, waiting, hoping, praying for little moments like Corey and V had yesterday. Hope that....yes indeed....we could get to the end. And the tears shed this morning were a mixture of hope for V and her darling momma and her future healing and grief because damn....I wanted so much for Cor to have that. And I firmly believe...HE could have had it.....it just wasn't meant to be. And if V. really wants to...it is there for to grab on and do the hard work. She's doing the hard work. Slowly but surely...she's doing it.Kuddos to V and Corey. And damn I can't wait till March bc I need a hug!!
Another blog post from another awesome mom on HOPE.....read it. Read it. Inhale it if you need. Every single word of it.
So if you've not lost hope......find it. In something. Small.