This morning I had 3 dr appts back to back. As I mentioned in this post on my other blog I had 2 appts at my primary care office - PT for my shoulder and then to see my primary as a follow up from my accident last week. The 3rd appt was w/my therapist.
Over the last 2 months I've pretty much fallen off the ledge - or - should say came pretty close. It isn't so much Corry related as it is a mixture of e.v.e.r.y.t.h.i.n.g. With a very large part just plain clinical depression add in significant iron/b12/vit d deficiencies and then add everything else into the mixture. You can pretty much say I've been a disaster waiting to happen...or not. IDK.
As we went into the depths of hell with Corry in therapy a very common theme was FAKE IT TO YOU MAKE IT montra. I've never really liked it. My current and previous therapists have said this to me. And so many others.
Each time I just think whatever.....
J my current therapist hasn't worked w/me during a downward spiral that has lasted this long. This morning, as I was trying to hold back tears for various reasons....physically (aka: bruised ribs) and emoitonally....and giving J an update of the last week. She saw a completely different side of me than she ever has. I've been able hold my composure for the most part and be rather matter of fact. Someone (you know who you are) recently told me "u are good at not putting it all out there, diminishing how things really are " (or something similiar to that)...
Somewhere along the line she said "Sometimes you just need to fake it till you make it".
It didn't go over so well. I wanted to puke. I let her know telling me to fake it till I make it probably wasn't a good idea. ever. specially when I've been in the space I've been in. Reality is....we were told that w/Cor for years. And I did. Or tried. And I didn't make it. If I did make it. Corry would still be my son.
And here I am several hours later....still stewing on that piece.
How I physically reacted to that little comment that I've heard soooo many times and even said many times myself.
We discussed some of the anxiety (fears) I have about going to Orlando. How that mixes in w/my current struggle.
This post has actually taken me several hours to write....bc depression is a serious medical condition and so are anxiety attacks....(I just heard that on the TV) and it has taken me that long to gather my thoughts and keep myself from truly coming unglued....(not like I haven't already).