Sunday, June 29, 2008

Do Something Positive...

I've mentioned this before on here (or maybe my other blog) the last 2 years around Cor's bd and then the anniv. of the placement and TPR of our adoption of therapist told me that I needed to channel my anger into something positive.

I thought I was the crazy one seeing her. Yet, she came up with this crazy comment. She told me this several times. I would think about it and think there was no way.

Whenn that therapist left and I started seeing a collegue of hers - she said the same thing.

I've had this 'thought' in my head. I know what I want to do. My husband knows what I want to do. I have just needed to figure out how to do it (still trying to figure it out).

The last few days I've really been pondering this concept. Trying to figure out in my head how I can make this happen. Trying to figure out how I can make this happen. Yet, I haven't figured out.

I've been waiting to tell "bloggy" land what my thoughts are. No one has known until recently. I told my mom recently and well...that is part of the reason why i've not told anyone. Why I don't think I can 'do' what I really think/want to do. Yet, I know I can't let her shoot me down. If anything I need to fight harder to let her know that I will, I can, I want and I it...

I have told my old boss at my job (I got a new boss due to some restructuring of positions)...she was very supportive. As the mother of 2 small adopted children, primary practice is working as an OT w/RAD-y children...she thought it was a great idea. I've told another one of the OT's and again...she thought it was a great idea and was able to give me some ideas on how to move fwd.

You can guess what it is if you want....

Maybe I'll reveal more later....if someone gets it right I'll let you know.

This hint...

It is a long haul. Not an easy path....

Bio Grandparents

This evening I was reading a blog that made me think about something that Cor's bio grandparents tried to pull on us.

I really think in there "love" for him they thought this would work.

A few months after Cor came to live with us we were notified by the adoption agency that the bio grandparents wanted 'legal' visatation rights. We were floored by this. We had been letting them visit Cor. Never for an overnight. It wasn't something that we really wanted to happen. At the time we were so naive. Darn we were naive.

One day we got a phone call from the SW of the agency telling us what we would be receiving in the mail. Hetold us that the agency themselves could not 'legally' give us advice. They suggested that we give an attorney who was a bishop in the area a call. We did and I cant' really remember what happened.

Few days later we got a letter from their attorney (why in the same hell did they need an attorney? It wasn't their legal child. They were the grandparents of the disfunctional drug addicted bm...) Regardless, it was hideous. I am not sure where this letter is in a box somewhere.

They were wanting to take us to court for court ordered visatation that included every other weekend, every other holiday, every other birthday AND 2 full weeks in the summer and I'm probably forgetting something else.

R U friggin kidding me?

These imbasouls (is that really a word) VOLUNTARILY (sp?) DID NOT adopt him because the were to old and yet they wanted to take us to court for court ordered visatation. Thankfully, it didn't cost us an attorney. We called around. Found out that it would be a laugh in the crack of their arse and well...waste of their time and money. Not to mention the GAL nearly pee'd her pants when she heard this.


We played their stupid games. Told them we would allow visits on our terms and our terms ONLY.

The GAL stuffed a sock in their mouthes and of course we heard how mean she was. We did what we could to keep them happy screw things up. We wrote them a letter telling them what the "attorney's" we contacted said and that they would be up against a fight that wasn't worth the money to put into it. haha...duh!!

Sometimes I wonder if cutting that contact off mad thiings worse or better? As I've said many times I 2nd guess and feel guilty nearly every day about the choices we made. This is just another way for that to 'get me'.

I think about this today because this is the first time in 9 yrs that we have not received A: phone call from bio granpdarents B: phone call from an annon. number asking for "Cor", or C: BD card for Cor.

Last year we wrote them a letter telling them to back off, not contact us again or we would file restraining order against them. My dh also added things to the letter that I dnd't know about until after it was sent. He told them that "we were no longer his parents". I personally didn't think that was any of their business. Then again...maybe that is why they have not harrassed us by calling our house.

I can still remember what I thought when we got this

"Do You Know What Today Is?"

Yesterday after taking our car to the park, staking out our spot amoung what would end up being 250,000 people watching the midwests largest fireworks, eating lunch and then coming home....

I posed this question to the kids/James?

Bry: Aunt Amy is coming and Nathan and Morgan and we will go see the big fireworks

Ab: It is Rhythnm and Booms...

...and Cor's Birthday...

James: Yeah it is Cor's bd.

Me: I just wondered if anyone else knew.

James: Yeah I was going to send him a bd gift.

Me: What? Where would you send it? You dont know where he is you??

James: Yeah well I was going to get one...

and the conversation just kind of ended at that. I find it intersting that my husband wanted to get him something for his bd.

I've been thinking about a way to "celebrate" his bd.

Right now I don't really have the extra cash. However, I think in his 'name' I will either buy a gift and donate it to the clinic I work at and/or donate $.

A few weeks ago we had a parent whose son has some disabilities donate about $150-200 worth of new toys she had bought. She asked that friends/family "donate" a toy and/or money to the clinic that I work at in her sons name. I like this idea...I like this idea a lot!!!

Anyway...that is my thoughts for today.

Saturday, June 28, 2008

Happy Birthday Cor

I love you and miss you!!!

Oh' how I wish I could celebrate today w/you...going to Rhythem and Booms. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about you...try to figure out how I could have done things differently...My birthday wish for you (yesterday on my Birthday) was for you!!!

I can only hope and pray that your day will be bright and shinning one!!


Friday, June 27, 2008

Back to our Story - Part 2

I really can't tell you where I left off. I'm really not in any mood to go back and 'look' if this is duplicate...sorry..  :)
I may not be the nicest, most Christ-like person as I right this. You  need ot know that "I've" not been doing well lately.  You need to know that I'm pissed!!  If you haven't figured it out already.
I read a post not to long ago that said "My LOVE is ENOUGH".  It was on a blog of a mom who has several adopted children.  Bless her!! I wish I had her as a mentor when we were going threw this.  I wish that I could have learned from her that my raging child might...just maybe...might...become a loving, productive, young man.  I'm so greatful that her love is enough.
My love was not enough.  Cor did not want my love.  I do think he did actually.  He just didn't know what to do with it. 
Five and half years ago Cor threw a chair across the room and it landed on our then 5 months old baby.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back for that "night".  When the officer came to our house he didn't believe me that I was NOT going to accept "no" for an answer when it came to putting him in a psych hospital.  I guess taking the then 8 yr old child was easier than taking the then 28 yr old nursing mother of a 5 month old.  Because Cor was admited to the pscyh hospital. I think I talked about this.
From the psych hospital he came home.  Then he went back to the hospital.  Then he went to an RTC about 2 1/2 hrs away.  I wish I could say this was a positive experience. 
As I right this...I can still feel the same thoughts/feelings I did that same day in May 5 yrs ago when Cor was admitted to the RTC.  My gosh...has it been that frickin long?  Sems just like yesterday.  Maybe my therapist is right...PTSD is in full forse w/me and EMDR would be a good thing.  Crap I don't  know.
I know that I sat in that room in disbelief.
I know that silently I was praying that 'he will show his true colors'.
I know that I was afraid that once again...I would be told...I didn't love him enough.  I loved my bio kids more.  I was the problem.
This was truly a really hard day in our life.  Mother of an 8 yr, 3 yr and 10 month old....It was really hard.
The lead caseworker and therapist at that RTC - it was obvious she was rather 'new' in this field, had no children...even though she wasn't 'young'...she had never lived this life.  I really don't care for therapist and/or people trying to tell me how to parent my child when they have no children themselves.  Very oxymoron'ish to me.  Just like someone who has never adopted a child trying to tell someone who they should 'love, bond, care' for the said child...
You know..this isn't a good thing to do on your birthday, when your dh has decided to leave and go help my best friends husband and leave me w/the kids, and it is the day before the reason behind this stupid blogs birthday...
I'm quitting for tonight!

I really just want to go to bed and not get back up in hopes that htis damn nightmare would go away...

Back to Our Story...

Not so sure that I really want to do this. 
Not so sure that I really get anything out of writing this out.
Not so sure that anyone really reads this...
However, it is for me a form of therapy...that even though it is harder than hell to tells what I don't often tell.  It is the story of "me"...this has shaped who I am as a mom.
Over the last 2 months I've not really talked about our "story".  It has been more the "present".  I do know that living in the present is what ineed to do.  Yet, somehow...I need to get to a point with this that I'm okay with it.  I thought I was....guess not. 
So...I'm over the cancer scare.  I've healed from the minor breast surgery and now have a great looking 4 inch + scare on my breast and a nice indent.  Lovely, huh?  My kids thinks so.
So if anyone cares...
Back to our story...

We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

14 Yrs Old

Happy Birthday To You my Sweet Cor....

In just 2 1/2 days you will be 14.

WOW....It was just 10 yrs ago this summer Cor came to live w/us.

Breaks my heart. heart is completely broken tonight as I think about not spending yet another year w/you. Celebrating your accomplishments, how tall and skinny you have become....

I really do miss you!!

Sunday, June 22, 2008

Life Goes on I know...

But for today....I just don't want it to. 
Okay, so here is a ""I feel sorry for myself" post. There are days, even weeks, that pass and I feel "normal" again. If you know me, I have mentioned that my life will never be normal again. You don't choose to terminate your parental rights, live threw what we did w/our adopted child and feel normal. But you do discover that there is a "new normal". I am pretty sure I didn't coin this term myself. I am sure I read it or heard it somewhere, but is is true. You create a "new normal" for yourself.  It has been 2 month of 2 yrs since the TPR was final. It has been nearly 2 months over 2 yrs since I saw him last.  THere is not one single day that goes by that I don't think of, have regrets, feel guilt --extreme and thinnk "this is normal"

The past few days have been so incredibly difficult for me. I have been turning on God - why did He do this to us? Why did He choose for my C to have to go threw this? {lease don't think I have given up on God. I haven't. I know that we are never given more than we can handle. But I feel like I have been given more than I can handle sometimes. I don't sit around andd cry all the time. I am not in a depression hole and at risk of hurting myself. But I hurt. I cry. I miss my son.

I think about the things I am missing out on. I have 2 beautiful and happy children still living wiht me.  I should be happy.  I am not.  I have 2 children - one specifcally that I feel has some issues that were caused by the extreme amount of stress he was exposed  to as a developing fetus, not only because of that stress but medication that I took as an anti-depressant while pregnant.  I feel guilty on every aspect.  Yet, this doesn't stop me from...wanting to hold him in my arms, I wanting to kiss his boo boos. I wanted to watch him learn all about this world that we live in. I want to celebrate his 14th bd by going to Rhythmn and Booms this Saturday.  I want to celebrate "OUR" birthday's together.  But I will never get the chance to do that. I know that. I know that there is no bringing him back. I am not in denial. In fact, it is just the opposite. Every day it becomes more clear to me that C is not coming home. Yes, you may be thinking that I have lost my mind. It has been 2 yrs and I am just now realizing this? But this process takes time. I have been living my life like a dream, or a nightmare. I really thought I would wake up from this and everything would be okay. That C would get better.  That we would 'get a call' and...and....and...obviously, it isn't going to happen.
Life goes on....
My life must go on....
Everyone around me in my family, friends...their lives have went on.
Bry (5) thinks Cor is a "cousin".  Occasionally will askk "why can't we see all of our cousins?"
Ab (8) became extremely hyper-vigilant on Friday when she asked me "do you know where you are going...oh...WHAT....this is the way to where COR lives?  How do you know that?"  When I explained that "we are not going to the town and/or area where Cor lives.  However, this is the "way" to LaCrosse and that we will be turning a different direction ...she seemed a bit calmer.  However, one of the first things I heard come from her mouth was "Grandma, did you knwo that coming here to this campground to see you was on the way to the place that Cor lives?" 
There was no real "answer"...her life (my moms) has went with everyone else HE is a distant memory.

Thursday, June 19, 2008

A Bag of Rocks

Very powerfull!! 
This doesn't just go for children/adult's who have suffered with RAD - it goes for many other situations with in our lives. 

A Bag of Rocks:

When you carry a bag of rocks around, day in and day out, you will inevitably become tired. No matter how far you walk, how hard you work, how much you try, you are still tired. Even sleep is ineffective, because you are sleeping with your bag of rocks, and when you wake in the morning you continue throughout the day carrying the bag of rocks. 

Some people would ask, "Why not just let go of the bag of rocks? Stop carrying it around with you, just put them down. Can't you see that would make it easier?" But, you see, I am afraid that if I let go of the rocks there will be nothing left. The rocks are all that I have, all that I have carried with me throughout my life, all that I trust. Certainly, carrying these rocks around makes me tired. But being tired is familiar, and safe. Would you let go of all that you have in the world, if you were not certain that by doing so you would gain more?

And yet (the irony is) we cannot have the certainty of more, until we let go of what we have. As long as I am carrying this bag of rocks, my arms are much too full for me to accept anything else. Even when you offer me a bag of feathers I don't dare to take it, for how can I trust that the load you are offering me is truly a load of feathers without opening the bag? Others have offered feathers, but given lead. How can I know that the bag you offer is not heavier than my current burden unless I let go of my bag of rocks, freeing my hands to open your bag? And I cannot let go of my bag, for if I put it down it might be taken from me. Or, even worse, I may find that my arms ace far too much for me to pick up the bag again, and then I would have nothing.

Can you understand why I would despair? You ask me to give up all that I believe that I have, all that I believe that I am, and yet I cannot. The fear of having nothing–of being nothing–is far too great. You want me to give up my hatred, my anger, and my pain (but most of all my pain, for the hatred and anger are mere masks for the grief and fear I hold inside). It will make me better, you say. And yet, how can I trust you, without first giving up all that I am holding on to? And how can I give up all that I am holding, if I do not trust you? Can you not see the confusion I am living with, the overwhelming fear that controls my actions? Can you not see why I push you away? Why I cause harm to myself, and to you? Can you not see why I am afraid?

Please understand, I don't want it to be this way. I do want more, I really do. Perhaps you may have noticed how hard I try, before the despair seems too much to bear, before I give in. If only I could give up these rocks, I would have peace. I would be happy. I want to believe it, but I can't. So I continue walking, dragging my bag of rocks, and wishing for something I can never have.

I wrote this just over a year ago, as an attempt to explain to my therapist why I was holding on to so many of my destructive behaviors so stubbornly. I finally found the courage to let go of the bag and try something new–and yet at times I still go back to that bag of rocks, because it is so familiar and safe, and the new ways are still uncomfortable and scary.  I hope perhaps the piece can help parents of RADs (reactive attachement disorder) understand why it is so difficult for their children to trust, and why they may fight so hard against what you can clearly see is best for them. 

Wednesday, June 4, 2008

Our Kids Have It....

Why not the parents?

This afternoon it was suggested that my 'thoughts and reactions' and some different 'things' that have been going threw this pea-body brain of mine were ptsd.

This is the 2nd time I've been told this.

So now what?

Not like knowing this really makes a hells bells bit of difference in my brain today...

Just my thoughts for tonight

Monday, June 2, 2008

You Raise Me Up ~ I'm Not Feeling Very Strong......

I've had this blog post in my head for quite sometime.  I'm not sure that I can really express what I really have been/am thinking in a way that will do this "post in my head" justice.   ~grin~
It was 2 yrs ago last month (May) that I seen or spoke with C last.
It was 2 yrs ago this month (June) that my DH seen/spoke w/C last.
It was 2 yrs ago this month (June) that dh told C he would never return home....
It just sucks. 
No dad should ever have to have that conversation with their nearly 12 yr old son, EVER!!!
As distraught, upset, sad, depressed as I was during that time in our life.....I wish that I could say that I was 100% or even 50% better.  
Reality is there are days when I wake up and don't know how I'm ever going to make it through my day. 
Reality is there are days when the void in my heart is sooo extremely large that I can't even begin to think about and/or talk about him.
Reality is I miss him so much.
I wish that my family (including dh) would talk about C, that it wouldn't be such a taboo subject in my home.  Then maybe it wouldn't be soo dang hard. 
There are many days when I'm mad...very mad about this entire experience.  There are many days when I'm just plain irrational.  There are many days when I'm at peace.  There are many days when I reallly am not at peace... 
What I really wanted to post...I can't bring myself to. 
I will leave it at this.....
"When I am down and my soul is weary...when my troubles come  and my heart is burdened....I really don't feel like I am stronger than the mountains...I don't feel like I can walk on the stormy seas....I'm not really that strong...I don't really feel like I've am being raised up"

RAD vs PDD/Autism

I'm glad Beth posted a reply today in mentioning a child she was/is working with as an O.T.

I work in a children's OT clinic. We have many children who come threw the doors who have been given PDD, Aspergers, Austism spectrum disorder and other related dx. When in fact all they "really" have going on is some R.A.D. My child - was one of them.

He went threw so many different tests and evaluations I lost count. The thousands and thousands of dollars that were spent not only by my dh and I but our insurance and then the "medicaid" system....

When it comes down to it...

The DX was/is the same...

~~~Reactive Attachment Disorder~~~

Why is is so freakin' hard for psychologist and psychiatrists to "admit" that RAD is a TRUE disorder? RAD is listed in the DSM book as a "real" dx? So why is it sooo hard to acknowledge it?

It would make so much sense or would it?

It angers me to think back at the bull crap that was placed in my lap, the fingers pointed in my face, the excuse that "I did not love C enough".


The title of this blog is "When Love was Not Enough" for a reason.

My love was not enough for our son. Love can not fix the damage that was drilled into his brain and body. Love could not protect my 2 younger children.

There are days when I can honestly say and believe "Because I loved C enough....I let the system (as corrupt as it is) become his guardians... by doing this...he could receive the services that he so desperately needed and DESERVED".

We were told that C most likely had Fragile X. Then we were told he had "educational autism". Then it was ODD (which I do believe goes along with RAD). Then Bipolar (isn't that the "adult dx for RAD?)...

The list goes on and on.

C never received OT services. Sometimes I think that it might have been helpful. Then there are days that I think would have just been ONE MORE person...ONE MORE therapist...ONE MORE experience that he could manipulate.

Beth - if you are reading this...reply if you would like me to leave my email address and I will do so in a comment. (For a while we were contemplating adopting a little girl at COTP-because our religion doesn't 'mix' with them we weren't able to move fwd).