Friday, June 27, 2008

Back to our Story - Part 2

I really can't tell you where I left off. I'm really not in any mood to go back and 'look' if this is duplicate...sorry..  :)
I may not be the nicest, most Christ-like person as I right this. You  need ot know that "I've" not been doing well lately.  You need to know that I'm pissed!!  If you haven't figured it out already.
I read a post not to long ago that said "My LOVE is ENOUGH".  It was on a blog of a mom who has several adopted children.  Bless her!! I wish I had her as a mentor when we were going threw this.  I wish that I could have learned from her that my raging child might...just maybe...might...become a loving, productive, young man.  I'm so greatful that her love is enough.
My love was not enough.  Cor did not want my love.  I do think he did actually.  He just didn't know what to do with it. 
Five and half years ago Cor threw a chair across the room and it landed on our then 5 months old baby.  That was the straw that broke the camel's back for that "night".  When the officer came to our house he didn't believe me that I was NOT going to accept "no" for an answer when it came to putting him in a psych hospital.  I guess taking the then 8 yr old child was easier than taking the then 28 yr old nursing mother of a 5 month old.  Because Cor was admited to the pscyh hospital. I think I talked about this.
From the psych hospital he came home.  Then he went back to the hospital.  Then he went to an RTC about 2 1/2 hrs away.  I wish I could say this was a positive experience. 
As I right this...I can still feel the same thoughts/feelings I did that same day in May 5 yrs ago when Cor was admitted to the RTC.  My gosh...has it been that frickin long?  Sems just like yesterday.  Maybe my therapist is right...PTSD is in full forse w/me and EMDR would be a good thing.  Crap I don't  know.
I know that I sat in that room in disbelief.
I know that silently I was praying that 'he will show his true colors'.
I know that I was afraid that once again...I would be told...I didn't love him enough.  I loved my bio kids more.  I was the problem.
This was truly a really hard day in our life.  Mother of an 8 yr, 3 yr and 10 month old....It was really hard.
The lead caseworker and therapist at that RTC - it was obvious she was rather 'new' in this field, had no children...even though she wasn't 'young'...she had never lived this life.  I really don't care for therapist and/or people trying to tell me how to parent my child when they have no children themselves.  Very oxymoron'ish to me.  Just like someone who has never adopted a child trying to tell someone who they should 'love, bond, care' for the said child...
You know..this isn't a good thing to do on your birthday, when your dh has decided to leave and go help my best friends husband and leave me w/the kids, and it is the day before the reason behind this stupid blogs birthday...
I'm quitting for tonight!

I really just want to go to bed and not get back up in hopes that htis damn nightmare would go away...

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