Thursday, July 31, 2008

Saying Good Bye...

A few days ago I was reading a post from a mom who said her final good bye to her son. A mommy, a daddy, a little boy and a little girl....whose dreams were shattered just like in our journey.

There is something healing about "saying good bye". As I read her post I could not stop myself from sobbing. It was the first time in 2 yrs (our first court hearing to start the TPR was this week 2 yrs ago) that I was able to know in my heart what that missing part is.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is wishful thinking that this pain, sorrow, anger that I hold each day would get better.. I don't know.

I do know that I never said good-bye to my not so little boy.

I can not tell you deep it hurts to not have had that last kiss, that last hug, that last good bye.

If it hurts me so much...I can't even begin to imagine how deep it must hurt for that little 14 yr old boy...who didn't get to say good bye to his mommy, his baby sister and baby brother. There was a "little" good bye w/his dad...where his dad told him he would not get to come back home. Other than that .... that was it.

There was many things I wished that we could do over. This is one of them. I know that my heart was so distraught that I wasn't able to say "good bye". How do you take 10 yrs of your life and say "we're done...good bye". Maybe that is why I couldn't do it. THat the 8 solid years of being his mom...I coul't do it. Hell, I ended up in the hospital 2 yrs ago this week because of it.

I guess I'm having a bit of diaherrea of the mouth. I just am trying to make sense of this hole situation...

I think this is part of the struggle that I'm having right now. Reading it on N's blog made complete sense to me as I read what their experience was like.

So my advice...

if you are faced with this horrible situation. Please make sure to say your good bye's and have some sort of closure.

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

It's Late

and I'm tired.

I woke from a dead sleep. Here I sit. Missing my little boy...who isn't so little anymore.

I can't even begin to describe the pain, frustration and sorrow that is going threw my head right now.

Why couldn't it be different?
Why couldn't my love been enough?

These are just a few of the things that I can't seem to figure out. That at 2am often haunt me.

I don't wish this on my worse enemy. (Trust me...I've wished some nasty things on m asshat landlords the last few weeks...).

Tonight it isn't about C and the loss that he had. It's about me. I really, really miss my boy. I really, really wanted to be his mom.

Infertility sucks!!

Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Thoughts for This Evening

I've been thinking for sometime about "sharing" my wants/desires into "turning" things into a positive way.

Last weekend I gave a bit of light at some of my thoughts and the issue at hand.

Tonight, after reading something incredible stupid that an incredible brainless professional said to another adoptive parent re: disrupting...I decided that I would share my thoughts.

I have absolutely no desire to work with children with RAD directly.
I have absolutely every desire to work with the parents of RAD children directly.

There wasn't anyone there for me when we went threw this.

Yes, I had/have a therapist.
No, she didn't get it - completely because she herself had not been threw a disruption.
Yes, she had 2 adopted children. However, I do not believe they even came close to a day of what Cor was like. She understood RAD. But she didn't understand "what" I was goin threw.
Prior to seeing her I saw someone else who had experience working w/adoptive parents. However, never 'btdt' herself. I give her a ton of credit and I'm greatful for L and what influence she had in myh life. She gave me the balls to stand up and more. W/O her support I wouldn't have been able to do it.

I don't know what this will mean. Maybe I would end up being an adoption social worker. Maybe I would end up being a foster care social worker (I HIGHLY DOUBT IT!!). Maybe I would end up becoming a LSW who works on the theraputic end of this spectrum. Helping, guiding, supporting adoptive parents who are struggling on this end of the spectrum.

All I know is...for me...unless you have BTDT -- I have a really hard time relating.

What does this mean? LOTS of college.

What does this mean? I'm completely lost as what I need to do. I have no clue where to start.

I've applied at the local 2 yr college for their 2 yr Liberal Arts-Science Program starting this fall. I've applied for financial aide (few months ago).

I know that I need basic classes. How am I going to get the "more advanced" the living crap out of me.



Whatever you not tell me you think that this is not a good idea. I might just have to reach threw the screen and strangle the crap out of you. hahaha!!

No really..I've had enough of that from my family (mom) and quite frankly if anything I want to prove her wrong. She recently told me (when I let it slip...having a weak moment) that I need to take 1 class at a time. If I'm 50 when I graduate than that is wonderful. What the hell....

So there you have it...

I want to become a SW or Therapist...(seriously...therapist) and work with the PARENTS of adopted children. SPECIALLY those who have went threw disruptions, facing that choice, ect ect..