Thursday, July 31, 2008

Saying Good Bye...

A few days ago I was reading a post from a mom who said her final good bye to her son. A mommy, a daddy, a little boy and a little girl....whose dreams were shattered just like in our journey.

There is something healing about "saying good bye". As I read her post I could not stop myself from sobbing. It was the first time in 2 yrs (our first court hearing to start the TPR was this week 2 yrs ago) that I was able to know in my heart what that missing part is.

Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe it is wishful thinking that this pain, sorrow, anger that I hold each day would get better.. I don't know.

I do know that I never said good-bye to my not so little boy.

I can not tell you deep it hurts to not have had that last kiss, that last hug, that last good bye.

If it hurts me so much...I can't even begin to imagine how deep it must hurt for that little 14 yr old boy...who didn't get to say good bye to his mommy, his baby sister and baby brother. There was a "little" good bye w/his dad...where his dad told him he would not get to come back home. Other than that .... that was it.

There was many things I wished that we could do over. This is one of them. I know that my heart was so distraught that I wasn't able to say "good bye". How do you take 10 yrs of your life and say "we're done...good bye". Maybe that is why I couldn't do it. THat the 8 solid years of being his mom...I coul't do it. Hell, I ended up in the hospital 2 yrs ago this week because of it.

I guess I'm having a bit of diaherrea of the mouth. I just am trying to make sense of this hole situation...

I think this is part of the struggle that I'm having right now. Reading it on N's blog made complete sense to me as I read what their experience was like.

So my advice...

if you are faced with this horrible situation. Please make sure to say your good bye's and have some sort of closure.

1 comment:

Brenda said...

I know it is not the same but maybe you could either go to a special spot alone and say goodbye as though he were there. Or write a letter to him and burn it. I hope you find a way to make peace with it. You deserve that.