Monday, April 28, 2008

Circumstances in regards to our Disruption

I decided to "write" this now instead of waiting 'till I get to that point in our story. It will make more sense as I might post different things on how I am feeling or what not.

For those of you who know our "story" C was in a RTC for some time before a TPR went through. The state of WI has this "un-official" law that children who are in state custody (aka...foster home or residential treatment centers or psych hospitals) regardless of the reason there is a "time limit". Once a JIPS or CHIPS (our case a JIPS) is in place then there is a "15 out of 24 mo" limit as to how long a child can "technically" be in either a FH, RTC, ect ect.

That is not really t he "law". How do I know this? Our SW from the county told us that. He told us that as long as C it was felt that C was not re-adoptable than we could remain guardians - his parents and he could remain in RTC, Group Home or Treatment Foster care.

We said ALL ALONG that if the foster family he was with was interested in adopting him than we would voluntarily terminate. We wanted what was best for him. We were told that this was not an option. We were told that he was 'no considered to be re-adoptable due to the severity of his R.A.D and behaviors.

Well, something happened. Minds were changed. We didn't agree. We didn't fight. We had no fight left. Financially, we were not able to fight. Emotionally we were not able to fight. We just had to say "enough" and "let go and let God"....

It was a very dark time in my life. I will elaborate more later on.

My point I want to get across is that we were not supportive of this. We did not want to terminate. We only wanted this as last case scenario. We were told "he is now considered to be re-adoptable". We later found out that not only was he "not doing good" but the "foster family was no longer interested in adopting him". IF and I repeat IF we had been told this....things would have changed drastically in how I have felt about this situation. At least there would be closure.

Instead - he has not been adopted. He doesn't have a mommy or a daddy. He is an almost 14 yr old orphan.

Sometimes life just sucks!!

What was I Thinking????

Some times we do/say things that later make us think "What was I thinking by doing that?"

Today, I did something that has me thinking on those same lines.

It isn't anything bad or that could get me in trouble. It was just something that has made my heart ache ever since.

I will not go in to details on "how" I found out.

However, I will say this.... The child whom we were told was "re-adoptable" has not been "re-adopted".

Is this a surprise to me? BIG FAT NOOOOOOO!!!
Is he better off now as an orphan? BIG FAT NOOOOOOOO!!!
Do I feel better with this information? BIG FAT NOOOOOOO!!!

Saturday, April 26, 2008

Living in Las Vegas

While in LV we were only 4-5 hrs away from where my inlaws lived in Utah. We were able to visit a few times.

While there we had to find jobs. The jobs we had originally been offered were not available by the time we got there. Due to the 9-11 attacks there were not the tourists as normal.

I found a job in a daycare center. I hated it. A hated it. It was however, an income and so it worked.

We talked often about having C come back home. He was doing good. Maybe things were getting bette for him? Maybe he was outgrowing this "stuff". Maybe...Maybe..>Maybe...

Then the stress of everything started to really pull us apart.

What was about to happen next was about to change things - drastically.

The stress nearly ended or marriage.

As I sat on my bedroom flooring sobbing in praer to my Father in Heaven "how could this happen"..."How can I call my parents and tell them..." ..."How am I going to tell my husband....I want a divorce and BTW...."

I'm pregnant.

Yep...the person who would not get pregnant on her own after how many specialists and tests....

Is now pregnant again. It wasn't confirmed. I knew...I just knew!!

That night when James crawled in bed I told him something to the effect..."I'm not sure how I am going to get threw this....I have no clue how our marriage is going to survive... It has to. "


"I'm Pregnant"...

No more silence.

The next day I went and sat for 3 hours in a Las Vegas Urgent Care. That morning I told James that I needed to go to the doctor. He knew I was sick because..>I really was. And so there we went. It was confirmed. Not only did I have pneumonia but I was pregnant. This was few weeks before Christmas.

We went and spent Christmas in Utah w/C and James' family. Actually, we were there the weekend before. Christmas was on a Tue. I think that year. We went from Th-Sunday. Because of my work.

As we drove back to LV we stopped in St. George. We had a very ill 2 yr old. I was very homesick and also sick pregnant. (Most of my pregnancy w/A I spent on bedrest). We stopped at a restaurant that Sunday night and as my baby puked and puked and puked and was as limp as could be I cried w/her. Cried because I missed the "doctors" from back home. Because my baby had been sick since we moved there. Life sucked. We were there for Corry... We didn't want to be "too close" but enough so we could see him.

It wasn't working.

That night Sunday night as we drove into Las Vegas James dropped me off at the ER w/A. He took our then stupid dog home and came back to the ER. I argued w/the ER pediatrician that he couldn't admit my baby to the hospital. I was in this horrible city, by myself (my good friend Misty had not moved there yet) and it was Christmas... He made us promise to bring her back the next few days for xrays and for breathing treatments. It would cost us $50 p/ER visit but we would do it...if it meant we could stay at home w'/our little girl. She had pnemonia and was very ill. We nursed her at home and she did get better

I called my mom that night and told her we wanted to come home. We were thinking about it. We were not 100% but we were thinking about it.

The next day my work gave me I quit on the spot. James called the hospital where he worked here in WI. His 'old' boss was on vacation. She listened to her messages on Christmas Eve and was ecstatic to get his call. She told him "When you get back here...the job is yours. When do you want to start?" he had ag reat job with great benies at the state of wi...

We arrived back in WI 2 weeks later. My parents flew to LV and helped us move back. It was a long 2 day drive that included us being in an accident 20 miles outside of LV...My parents nearly killing my husband. But we did it....we got moved back.

Our plans to have c come back to live w/us ended at that point. Until we could figure things out further. I needed to get threw my pregnancy. I actually needed to go to the doctor and make sure things were going okay. I had been put on bed rest in LV for bleeding. So we would consider our plan for him at a later date.

I felt good though...because he was 'supposedly' doing good w/my in laws.

6 yrs later...We have a sweet little 5 1/2 yr old...more on him some other time.

"Come Get Him....OR....

He will be admitted to the psych unit.

This was the email and then phone call we received from the treatment foster family.

After 2 months he had wore the reins out. The family who once talked to us about adopting was saying he needed to go.

Our health insurance would not cover him out of state. There was no way he could be placed in the hospital. The SN Subsidy and SSDI had not been approved yet.

So James took off to go get him.

Things were no different. We had a 6 yr old who hated us and did everything possible to try and hurt us and his sister.

My MIL and FIL offered to let him come live with them. My inlaws moved from NY to UT. My FIL came via WI and picked C up and off they went. We agreed upon a set amount of $ a month. And from there we paid them to care for him. We couldn't do it. It was devastating. I had no clue what to do.

We decided to move to Las Vegas (from WI) since C was in UT. I have NEVER wanted to live in Utah...nor will I. I had a friend whose daughter came around the same time my FIL picked C up and she was our babysitter/nanny. They lived in San Jose, CA and were moving to LV also. SO that sounded like a good thing for us.

On Sept. 9, 2001 I flew to CA and spent the next month with my friend Misty. C was in UT. We went to LV and I looked for jobs and apartments.

The end of Oct '01 we packed up and moved to LV. Full of fear, faith and on a prayer.

We had a place to live. Our jobs were no longer there when we got there. On our way there we went threw Utah and saw C and James' parents.

They told us everything was wonderful. He was doing well in school. They had only "one" incident and everything else was great.

SSDI and Special Needs Adoption Funding

Corry was at the respite home for a little over a month. Close to 2 months. It was planned that he woudl be there for approx 3-6 months. At which time we were hoping that the SSDI would be approved. As well as the State of WI Special Needs Adoption Subsidy.

We were in the process of apply for the SN Subsidy for sometime. The State of WI tried sayiing it was a"private adoption" because we knew the grandparents. True we knew them. But we did not seek them out. they saught out the agency and told them to contact us. It was a long drawn out battle. In the process we had to get the agency involved. As I've mentioned before the agencfy wasn't the most helpful.

The social worker we worked with ahd been moved to another state. In my opinion (ever so humble as it might be) feel it did have something to do w/our case. Then this point who cares. I surely don't. It is what it is...they didn't do their job 100% and in the end our son suffered...we suffered...our entire family suffered. Whatever.

Anyway, one day we get this letter in the mail. It was a "copy" of the letter that was sent to the State of Wi. Special Needs Adoption Department.. I will never forget reading that letter. I still have it somewhere. Every time I read it - it sends chills up my spine, tears come ten fold and I can't help but become a mess.. I will not post what it said exactly because I don't want to become a blubbering mess by having to get it out.

Basically the content was this....


I read that letter and it hit me like a ton of bricks. My son was currently 12-14 hr car ride away. He was not doing well in the home he was at. Which was bitter sweet (more on that later). We were contemplating a TPR at that point w/the family who were doing respite for us.

This is the same agency who knew that there was problems. This is the same agency who knew this kid was crapping in cupboards, who knew that he was threatening to kill me, my unborn child, the same child who was urniating in toy boxes, the same child who I called them about nearly every single week because I was at a loss of what to do. This is the same agency who after receiving these calls sent us to their psychologist for an evaluation. This is the same agency who decided to let us finalize our adoption 6 months earlier than the agencies regular timeline because I was prg and due around the same time...and they wanted to make sure we finalized.

Can I just be un-Christ-like right now and say "asshats"!!

They Knew....
They knew....

They can not tell me they did not know!!!

Not only did they place 2 NEWBORN ADOPTIONS FROM THE SAME BIRTH MOTHER but they were aware of her exteneded history. And failed to tell us! Sure we knew she had "issues" Sure we knew she had a history of drug abuse. We were told she was placed in patient her entire pregnancy but the first month or so and then the last few weeks.


Needless to say not only did the SSDI get approved on the FIRST application but we won our suit against the state of wi special needs adoption division.

Does this not smell of bad fumes to you? We were approved for the largest amount of financial subsidy that the state of wi pays for SN Adoptions... This includes larger than children in a wheelchair, g-tube fed and other serious health infractions. Our therapist was shocked...we were shocked. Looking back...the state knew we had a wrongful adoption .

Thursday, April 24, 2008

This Stinks!!

As I said in the beginning of writing this I was doing it for me...myself...and...I.

It is a way for me to write what our time was with Corry. The good and the bad. I feel like it is so much bad. I told someone today that "there were more good than bad" but that writing this seems like it was the opposite. Yet, if there were more good times than bad...then he would still be with us. What the heck? I don't get it.

If along the way someoen came across our story and we were able to touch one life. I was able to give another mom the justificatin that...she wasn't alone...than that would be great. I've received a few emails from people who came across our other blog and then this one and said "thank you". :) For that...I'm happy.

I'm finding that going back threw the details is very draining. Talking about very draining.

Today I was able to "feel" first hand how talking about the situation, about what has happened, what it has/is doing to me in my life today can/does make me feel worse.

For those reading who actually care....let me give you an example.

My current therapist is going on maternity leave - any day. I've thought about just going on leave with her. Then think that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. Over the last 8 yrs I've had 3 therapist leave and now the 4th is going on leave. I've only seen her a few months. Just got to a point where I could talk about Cor w/her and feel comfortable. Today I met w/the person I will be seeing while she is gone. I kind of know this lady because I took a "Mindfullness" class over the last 8 weeks and she was one of two therapist who taught the class.

Anyway, I went in today feeling great. I had spent the 2 hours before going to the appt. working on a picture video for my grandma who is dying of alzheimer's. Prior to that I worked from 8-12 and had a great morning at work. I was able to get a ton of work done w/re-organizing the charts.

As this gal and I were talking about life and how thing swere going and where/what the deal is w/me at this point I just became more and moe overwhelmed. I came home and haven't been able to shake it since.

I'm missing Corry. I want to just hold him one more time. I want to be able to tell him how much my heart misses him. How very sorry I am that I failed him. I want...just one more day....just one more laugh...just one more everything.

And talking about Corry today w/J_ = didn't help. I wish I would have been able to sense at the time that I couldn't go there. That is the thing that is sooo frigging hard about this. This STINKS!!! I didn't want to terminate. I didn't file the TPR motion. I DIDN"T fight it because I had no more fight left in me. Did I do the right thing?

I know the facts.
I know that we did everything we could for Corry.
I know that we sought out the best of the best.

I know~~~~~~~~~~~

Today.... the "I knows...." just aren't good enough!!!!

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

"It's Okay Mommy...No Cry Mommy...

I was devastated and releaved all at the same time.

CB and her dh talked to us about termination. She told us that from what our therapist had told her she didn't see that Cor could make it in our home ever. At that moment we "thought" about it. We didn't know. We were not experienced. We were in shock. We were torn and tattered.

Abi at this point didn't talk very much at all. She said 1 or 2 words max. She refused to go to anyone other than James or I. With the exception of 2 people. My friend Martha and the owner/founder of the foundation. The owner of the foundation also started a daycare center. MsAbi went to this daycare 5 days a week for 2-3 hs a day. She would SCREAM non stop unless she was with Cheri in her office. If anyone else came into her office...she would scream.

My mom could not hold her. Rarely could my mom or any family member make eye contact w/her. This started when she was 3 months old. Not the typical 10-12 mo. old stranger was 3 months old.

Our pediatrician wanted to give us a referral to be evaluated because she didn't walk, she didn't crawl (until late) and didn't talk. She did sign basic signs and I was able to get what I needed from her and communicate. But no one else was able to. She was attached to my hip 24/7. I could not have a conversation w/a stranger or friend. I had just got to a point where I could make a therapy appt. for myself, take toys/snacks and she woudl be content. As long as Joan wouldn't look at or talk to her...she would be fine.

Many of my family and friends would joke and make fun of how spoiled she was. Told me I shouldn't keep nursing her. I needed to just 'let her cry it out'. I knew that there was a reason she was this way. In my heart...I knew. I knew it wasn't normal. And I just needed to protect my baby as much as I could from the dysfunction and huge stress she lived every day. we drive away from CB's home and leave our little boy...I'm sobbing. We weren't even at the end of the road and James and I were arguing...out of stress and grief...I'm sobbing some more...

"It's okay Mommy.....No Cry Mommy....It's ok?"

This little girl NEVER said more than 1-2 words at a time. She spoke a WHOLE sentence.

It will be okay...Yes will be okay.

We have extended family that lives in WV which was not far from where we were at. My mom had called her Aunts and arranged for us to go visit them. We weren't going to stay over night w/them. We just wanted to be alone. I knew that MsAbi would freek out and so we just wanted to stop and visit.

We pull up and MsAbi starts jabbering away. Jabber that we could understand. We went in and visited. And this little girl was a different child... My Great Aunt and Uncle and my mom's cousins all said "Your mom said she wasn't very friendly....she didn't talk and wouldn't allow us to look at her or talk to her....She lied". We tried to tell them that this wasn't normal fo rher.

Then the next morning (we decided to stay overnight) we were eating breakfast. Tradition is that ALL of the kids and grandkids come home for home made biscuts and gravy...oh' it was so good.

What does Abi do...She eats. Gets down from her seat and starts CLEARING THE TABLE!! They all laughe and giggled that this lil 18 mo. old would "take u pate?" And then take it to her Great Great Aunty and put it in the sink.

My little girl came out of her shell.....

BOY did she EVER come out of her SHELL.....

With in a few days she was talking non stop.
With in a few days she was walking non stop.
With in a few days she had no fear of anyone.
With in a few days she participated in 1 yr old room of more spending time w/the owner.

I will never forget my mom saying to me "I'm soooo sorry that I didn't completely believe you...I can tell by seeing this baby...that things were bad." Over the next little while I heard my mom 'support' us on a hole new level..

I missed my baby boy...

The respite was wonderful.....

The respite was stressful.....

My baby girl flourished like never before.

Respite...Much Needed...Respite

We were desperate.
We were at the end of our rope.
We needed RESPITE...LONG TERM RESPITE and fast!!

Our attachment therapist had a very good friend in another state who specialized in doing theraputic treatment respite. They also had adopted several children who had their adoptions disrupted.

After several days of new bruises mysteriously appearing on Abi, after several days of attempts to hurt her things became very desperate. We received a call from our therapist to tell us that her friend had an opening and could take C. We needed to take him NOW!!! We didnt' have the $$. We didn't even know how we would get the money. I called the adoption agency/church social services. I spoke to the director. Told him what was going on. They were somewhat aware because we had applied for special needs adoption subsidy (that is another post)...and so they were aware things were bad.

At approx. noon on a Wednesday I received a call from CB...we needed to bring C to them immediately. They had other children on a list. They were going to take him over the otehrs because they knew our situation was bad. They knew that if he wasn't out of our home immediately that something would happen to A. She knw that our Psychiatrist wasn't supportive. She was the ONLY pdoc we could go to and thought that "I" was the problem. Our therapist had done all she could. And this was our last ditch effort.

The director of LDS/SS called our Stake President. He told met hat he wasn't going to tell him th he needed me to. I told him that there was no way that I could 'tell another person'. I was at a point where I couldn't talk about it anymore. So he explained the situation. Pres. B called me immediately and told me that he would meet me after my bus route that afternoon. And we would be able to get the funding needed for the treatment home.

We called CB, took a leave of absense from our jobs, called my family, packed the car....and left that night. We didn't tell C where we were going. We drove through the night. And arrived the next day right before lunch time.

This was the first time we had left our little boy. It was devastating....really devastating....and when I thought this was the "hardest thing" I would have to do as a parent.



There are many varying degrees of children with R.A.D. In our home we were dealing child with severe R.A.D.

There were so many people in our lives that did not 'get it'. They truly didn't get it. I remember very vividly my family/friends not believing me when I would call them and tell them what was going on.

In an odd way my family was supportive. And even till the end they were supportive. James' brother Jwas very helpful and did respite for us from time to time. Thankfully, we had him. With out him we would have struggled even more. Justin = got it. He saw the destruction.
My mom got it but she didn't. It took a drastic measure before my family/mom really got it.

James' parents lived in New York. My MIL came and visited once and was able to see what life was like. It wasn't as bad as it could have been. But it was tough. My inlaws took C back NY w/them for a week or so during the summer of 2000. Deep down and looking back I know that they didn't really get it. They didn't believe us.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Post Intensive - Can't Hurt Me...

Who can I? That was the motto...

If I can't "physically" hurt my mom any more. How can I hurt her?

Of course Corry didn't actually 'say' these words/comments. The agenda was of such though.

After the intensive we saw great changes in Corry. He was much more cooperative. Then as if a light switch was turned off and on things changed.

"I can hurt my hurting my sister". Again, he didn't say this. However, it was his actions. Oh' was it his actions.

How could this be? He loved his baby sister. He fed her. He rocked her. He sang to her. He played for hours on end to her. Abi and Corry had the strongest bond. It was the "ONLY" positive attachment that he had.

Deborah Hage told us she encouraged to see that he could form a healthy attachment and that it gave her hope he would form one with me. He was attached to his dad. However, there were still "issues".

I will never forget the day that I went downstairs to do laundry. What I saw when I came back up the stairs was horrifying.

Corry was positioned on top of Abi on all fours. He had her blanket over her face. She was crying (very meekly) and he was teling her 'shut up or i will kill you...mommy is downstairs she will never know it was me...' I hollared "CORRY STOP" and he ran off to his room. Abi layed there dazed at confused. I called James at work and told him he needed to come home immediately. Of course he couldn't. My good friend Martha was able to come and she dealt with Abi (she was only 1 of 2 people who could hold her...not even my mom could hold her or even look at her. She was OVERLY attached...and for good reason. more on that in a later post).

Corry raged for the remainder of the night. Like many nights I would end up giving him his meds so that he would get tired "earlier". There was no way that I could deal with raging on end for hours on end. So many nights he got his meds around 5pm. And woudl be "winding" down around 6pm and asleep by 7pm. This particularly was true when James was working evenings.

Over the next few weeks life went from not very good to bad to really bad to I don't know if I can get through another day.

There were many incidences were Abi would get hurt and I had no clue how it happened. She slept with us and so I knew he wasn't getting to her at night. There were very few times where he was left alone w/her. Somehow - it happened. Day after Day after Day...

He knew he could hurt hurting her!! As horrible as it might sound - it was true. The hardest part was I knew that he truly loved her. I knew that it truly hurt his heart to be treating her this way. I was not able to help him. I tried very hard to not let him know how much it hurt my heart.

As I said above - life wasn't very good. The worse things got. I became more and more depressed. What was I doing wrong????

To top things off our psychiatrist that we "did have" wanted to drug Corry to the point where he couldn't function. This dr. was known for giving children "lots of medication". He wasn't a pediatric psychiatrist. Then our HMO hired a Pediatric Psychiatrist. I was SOOO excited.

This new PDOC...was nearly the death of me!!!! OMGosh...this woman was evil. Corry even knew she was evil. Heck, one day he told her "You might want to buy a bigger dress or loose some weight..." ROFLMAO!!!! She was a little "larger" (no jokes there because so was I). She had a tendancy to wear dresses that buttoned up and were to small. This one day...her bra was clearly showing... Oh' I nearly died!! It was a sweet revenge for me. She told me...she told his pediatrician and she told our therapist that I was the problem and Corry's problems were because of me!! I wish I would hav ehad the fraze "asshat" back then...because she would have been on the top of my asshats list. (few yrs later..this dr had so many complaints that the HMO clinic didn't renew her contract. I foudn this out from our therapist).

So now...Corry was hurting his sister. In many ways that I can't even talk about.

I will say to my knowledge he never sexually abused her....ever!!

Intensive - Post Intensive

In October 2000 we did a mini-intensive with Deborah Hage. Deborah traveled to WI and spent 5 days working with Corry, James and I. Our intensive was in the afternoon. We were very lucky to have the support of the non-profit group who not only helped us finance the intensive but provided child care for our 14 month old - Abi. Since Abi would not go to anyone but the owner of the foundation it was very helpful to have our baby with us in the same building as the therapy session.

It wasn't easy. It was very hard. Not only for Corry but for myself and husband. I have to say that there are parts of this journey that my mind has blocked out. I truthfully, can not remember. Quite honestly there is not much about the intensive that I can remember.

I can/will say that I remember Deborah's loving, soft and sweet voice. I remember her telling me what an awesome job I was doing as Corry's mom. How I was doing what I knew to do. That I was loving him as much as I could. Even though my love wasn't enough - he was getting it. He was testing it.

That week I learned that "I" could no longer let Corry hurt me physically, mentally, or emotionally. That I was an awesome mom and it was up to "HIM" if he wanted to heal. This was a turning point for me. Until this point I had been trying to change me. I felt that if I loved him more that things would get better. Clearly this was not the case. Clearly I was loving him enough. I learned to look at Corry in a different light. He was sick. And it was my job to help him heal as much as he would let me. Maybe that isn't exactly what it was about...but that is what I think "today"....

One of the things that I do remember is something that is very hard for me to share. It is very hard for me to admit. I sometimes wonder if we would have listened and followed suit at that time if "I" would be as hurt today? If Cor would have been as hurt today? If our life would have changed drastically on the emotional end of this journey. She told us that Corry needed much more intensive supervision than we could give him. Not that what we were doing wasn't good. not that we didnt' love him...but that she didn't think we would be able to keep Abi safe. As our therapist it was her job to "tell" us what she forseen. We didn't believe her. Corry had never acted out towards smaller children. He had never hurt Abi. He was very protective of his baby sister. To our knowledge....

We didn't want to believe her. It took several years before we were able to really believe that we couldn't keep our younger children safe.

We did eventually end up terminating our parental rights. Actually, we did not pursue the TPR. The state in which we live did!!!!

We were warned that post -intensive things would get better and then worse. Most likely then they would get better again. We were very excited for the coming months. We were very hopeful that this was the begining of our healing.


Things started going rather well. Corry was doing better in school. We were getting less calls. Things at night were getting better. We were so happy. So relieved. There were 10 steps fwd....11 back....5 fwd....4 back....6 fwd....2 back....2 fwd...5 back....10 back.....

I think it would be best to start the next section of this in a different post............

Saturday, April 19, 2008

Attachment Therapy and Abuse Allegations w/bio family and Church Attendance

When we started attachment therapy, as I said before, we seen some strides. We had some hope. Most of all we were surrounded with a group of parents and professionals who had btdt and had the bruises to prove it. That in and of itself was great comfort.

One of the things that I liked about the A.T model is that "WE" - meaning my DH and I were always present for therapy.

Prior to finding our M our A.T. we had been taking Corry to therapy at a county facility that we were referred to. Often, Corry would see just the therapist by hiimself. She would rarely talk to us. At 4 1/2-5 yrs old...I felt it was imparative that "I" be involved in therapy. not that I was trying to be in control. But how can this be helpful if I dont' know what is going on. Not to mention that Corry was the master of manipulation. He was the master of triagulation.

In August of 2000 (year we started A.T) I had the honor to accompany Nancy Thomas to a seminar that she was doing here in WI. I was able to spend 2 hrs w/her each way in the car and during that 2 hrs...we talked about Corry. I was with the founders of the foundation that we had been involved with. Who were involved in having Nancy Thomas come and speak and all that other jazz. I thought that I was in 7th Heaven. I spent the entire day soaking up every thing that she could give me. I had hope!! I had a renewed energy... That evening we went to Red Lobster. Because it was my baby's first birthday the next day and she still nursed exclusively we stopped by my home so we could pick up the baby and go to dinner. Again, it was a great experience. One that I will never forget!!

During one of the AT sessions early on out of the blue Corry mentioned what his grandfather had done to him. I sat there w/my chin on the floor. Trying to pick it up off the floor. This child had never heard James or I talk about the allegations his grandmother had stated. He knew nothing about them to our knowledge. Therefore, this had to be completely on his own will....NOT MADE UP!!!

We had told M. it was suspected and that the county did their investigation. However, they NEVER spoke with Corry. EVER. The bio grandparents went to a psychiatrist who said they had "a breakdown" and therefore, she "was seeing things' and Bio G..didn't do it. Whatever...we believed this for the time being.

We had allowed Corry to see his bio grandparents until this point. We limited visits. We did not allow overnight visits. Usually, they were on a set day of the week and at a set time.

Well, the particular day that Corry told M and I about what his Grandpa had did to him happened to be a "visit" day. M and I discussed how she didn't feel it was still happening. And that if we stopped visits immediately with the grandparents than he would associate the two. So, later that day I allowed him to go see his Grandparents.

It was his last visit w/them. He did see them one other time w/us @ a restraunt for about an hour. And that was it.

Few days later we received a phone call from DCFS stating we were to have no contact with them until after the investigation was over. ended. We were also not allowed to talk to him about what he had said to us in the therapy appt. Which was VERY VERY hard because Corry would bring it up. Few weeks later James took Corry to an interview with the DCFS and detectives.

This didn't go so well. Basically, Corry told the detectives during the "play" therapy interview what happened AND that he confronted his grandpa and grandma on the day he saw them the last time. His grandpa told him that "you shouldn't lie ...if you lie then grandpa will go to jail...blah blah blah" HELLO..Birth MOm was in Jail...And well Corry basically told the detectives what they needed to hear but he also said "I must be lyiing because my grandpa told me I was." There was nothing that could be done about it. Nothing at all!!

I know that the kid could lie. I know that he made up some wild stories. However, I feel very strongly that 5 yr olds don't make up stories about sexual abuse. They don't make up stories that "match nearly word for word" what bio grandma had not only told me but others she saw Grandpa do....

This is a very sore subject with me. I have a lot of resentment towards the system and bio grandparents for this. Not that it happened, but because there has been no responsibility whatsoever taken by them.

When I look at this from a spiritual aspect - I can honestly say that it is one of the reasons why I am inactive today. I hold so much anger and resentment and hatred towards his Grandfather that I have let it take over me.

I want to go back to church.
I want to have the testimony that I once had.
I want my children to be involved and active.

Yet, I have let it take over me. It kills me inside when I think of how it has taken over me and I am at a point where I can't move fwd.

I know deep in my heart my father in heaven loves me. He loves my children. He wants me to return to church.

I guess the thing that prevents me is the anger. And it isn't just in regards to this "one particular" issue. His Grandparents went on to serve a full-time couples mission.... His God and My God are the same person...We have the same beliefs. Last time I checked...this is not something that he should have been going on a mission for.

Anyway....this is just one of many reasons why I don't go to church.

If you are LDS and are reading this....I would LOVE to hear your support. I would LOVE to know your thoughts, feelings, experiences with soemthing like this.

There is something missing when we do go to church. I look at all these families and I am missing someone in my family. Some of these families knew us when we first adopted Corry. They will ask us wehre he is, why he isn't with us...I can't or don't want to talk about it.

I just want people to understand. Reality is...NO ONE will EVER understand unless they have lived threw this. Which bishop - has no clue how much I miss my little boy, how angry that I am he was I 2nd guess myself that "maybe if I didn't let him have visits for that year and a half after we got him...he might have bonded with me....maybe this...maybe that...maybe if I would have just did this or that...he would still be with me today!!

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

Not all Bad

There were many good days. There were many weeks that were good. We had many memoriable moments that were not all bad. Many of those moments were good.

As I think about our time as a family these good moments make it easier to get through the rough days. These good days make it just as tough to get through the tough days - because the guilt really bothers me. The "what ifs" really bother me.

I want to make it clear that there were good days and this is all that I have to hold on to right now. Those good days help me get through the bad days that I am having now.

As I can and think about it I will try to add in the good moments.

Monday, April 14, 2008

Sibling Bonding

I want to write a bit about C and A's bond. I know I mentioned in a previous post that C had threatened to kill the baby after she was born. He did this daily. He knew he could upset me by saying it..therefore he continued to say it.

When Abi was born we were very vigilant of her. She was never left alone in a room w/C. She slept in our room. She was severely attached to her momma. From the time she was 3 months old until she was 16/18 months old - she woudl scream if ANYONE (even Grandma) would look at, hold, or even attempt to make eye contact w/her. She was "overly attached". I am sure it was because I/we - never left her outside of our sight - EVER!!

As I mentioned in previous post we moved into a home where we took care of 2 adults w/disabilities. This happened with A was about 3 months old (early November). Shortly before we moved one night C & A and I were laying on the floor.

As with our nightly routine - we would lay, laugh and try to jus thave fun (this is pre-RAD diagnosis, KAY foundation, therapy...) And C made some lil face at Abi and she laughed a belly laugh made me cut up in tears. She was not quite 2 months old at this point.

This became our routine. ONLY and I repeat ONLY C was able to get Abi to laugh like this. ONLY C was able to get the reaction out of this tiny lil thing that was sooo hysterical. He lived for this moment. Often, I woudl be nursing MsAbi who thought that my boob was her pacifer when Cor would come up and say something to her and she would cut up laughing.

She loved him unconditionally!! He loved her unconditionally!!

For the first time in his little life...he was attached to his baby sister. He cried and cried when she would be sick. He would become very over protective whenn we woud go to the doctor. When she got her first shots. OMgosh...lets jsut say I never took him w/me again because he was so irate w/the nurses for "hurting" his sister.

The bond between these two was very strong. For a very long time. Even up until the very end, right before our parental rights were terminated...that bond was still there.

I can bet that if you were to talk to him today about our family first things he would ask/tell you about his sister.

There were several times that C would be raging - throwing things, bitting me, trying to hurt me and somehow in the process Abwould get hurt by him. Each and every time he was very remorseful for hurting her and her only.

This was a posivitive thing. We felt very strongly that he could form a healthy attachment and were hopeful.

Attachment Therapy

As we began our attachment therapy....
Our life got better.
There was hope. We saw a light at the end of the tunnel.
Oh my gosh...I couldn't believe it.

We had 10 steps forward and 5 back...5 fwd...3 back. We were taking baby steps. But they were slowly but surely happening.

We were referred to a psychiatrist.

Life was not rosey by any means. But there was hope.

Please Lord, Help Me!!!

Lord, please help me. Please help me "love my son more, please help me forgive him for being so defiant, please just let someone...anyone here me and listen to me..."

For weeks and months it seemed that I was pleading with the Lord to give me some sort of answer, some sort of break, just something - some shimmer of hope that things could get better.

Here I am w/a newborn baby and a 5 yr old. One child who was severely attached to my right boob and the other who wanted to cut the left boob off!! (sorry for the pun...but it was what I thought often...).

My husband didn't believe me. If he did that would mean he would have to acknowledge there was a problem.

My days were spent trying to figure out 'what was wrong' with my little boy. Surely, there would be an answer.

My mom always says "The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle...." Well, Lord..this was more than I could handle.

Then my answer came. By means of a flyer that was sent home w/C from school.

The next morning I called the number. I spoke to this woman and for the first time in a year - I realized that I was not alone in this battle. That I was not crazy. That I did love my son enough.

I couldn't get enough. Oh my gosh...I sat there and wrote every word the women on the other side of the phone said. Word for word... She knew my son...she really did...not personally she didn't know him. But she "knew" him...she "lived" with him...her own son. She had got help and was on the way to healing.

Immediatly she told me what she believed C had..."Reactive Attachment Disorder". She explained to me what it was. She explained the theory, the concept, every single bit of what she said made 100% sense.

I was not crazy or was I?

This lady and her sister had began a non-profit organization to help support children/parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and other mental health problems. She told me what the initial consult and so forth would cost. She told me what their organization had to offer me. She gave me hope.

For some reason...that paper sat untouched for a few days.

I knew that there was no way we could afford the initial evaluation fee or any of the other things they had to offer.

Few days later I receieved an intake packet. I filled it out. I mailed it back. Having faith that the Lord would provide.

My prayers were once again answered. The next day after I sent it back Cheri called me and asked me if I could come into her office and meet w/her. I wasn't able to because I was babysitting a little boy at the time and I dnd't have a car during the days when James was working.

She offered to come to my house and meet with me.

Again - there was hope. I couldn't get "enough" of what she was telling me. I immediately started doing yahoo searches. I made an appt w/our pediatrician. I went fwd and wouldn't take no for an answer.

At that time we were told by our pediatrician that "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was NOT WHAT OUR SON HAD and that people were quick to say this was the 'problem' for all children.

My prayers were dashed. Do I believe my pediatrician? Do I believe this woman who lived this nightmare and had a son who was healing? We continued to move fwd w/the KAY Foundation.

They did their evaluation and did not charge us. In return we (I) voluntered in their office and groups for kids. Thehy started working w/us and things seemed to get a little better.

They referred us to an Attachment Therapist. The only one in our area that has extensive experience working with adopted children.

It took us a while to make contact w/this therapist. Once we was like the Heaven's had opened.

During this time period (We got the flyer in October of 99) and it was now spring of 00...

We had moved. We were live in caregivers for a couple who were developmentally disabled. (The woman was WAY R.A.D!!!!) . I was getting daily, weekly and even hourly phone calls from the school. I was going insane.

My son methodically "planned" outbursts at school. In kindergarten this child was suspended from school. WHAT? You are doing WHAT?" I yelled at the principal. I said "NO...I will be right there and WE will have a talk".

I demanded that he would NOT be home w/me. I demanded that he would NOT be suspended. He was 5 yrs old and he was NOT staying home with me.

The principal and I went round and round...

I won. C had ann inschool suspension WITH the principal. He followed him everywhere the entire day. He made it clear "this will not be fun for him...I hope you know that" HELLO dummy...I dont' think a child who did what he just did...should have FUN.

The next day he came home from his 'in school suspension' and I asked him how it went. His reply..."Mom, it was the best day of my life in school. I loved it. Every moment. I got all of my work done. I got more work done and Mr. _ had to go ask Mrs. _ for more work...I did really good".

Why did he do so good? I knew immediately....

There were no demands put upon him. He was not in a room with 20 other kids, he was able work at his own pace, do as he wanted when he wanted all day long....

We also found at that his IEP was not being followed at this new school. He was supposed to have a one on one aide...we found out he didnt'. Had he been supervised w/this 1-1 aide...the thiings he was doing wouldn't have happened. The school...had him an aide immediatly upon hearing form the KAY Foundation and myself that they were not incompliance w/the State laws re: IEP's.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

Tears on the First Day of Kindergarten

12 days after A was born C started kindergarten. We were all so excited. I was more than excited.

We walked the 2 blocks to school that day. Since I had a c-section I had not been moving around so well. It was the 12th day that I woke up w/no pain....I firmly believe it was my body saying "This is a day of jubilation". LOLOL

We waited for this day for a long time.

The kindergarten children were all dressed in their summer best. Some with tears running down streaming down their faces. Many of the mommy's and daddy's with tears streaming down their faces. We all waited in the playground area outside as instructed.

At the right time each child lined up in their classroom line as they were supposed to do each day...

And they all marched off to their first day of schools.

Moms and dads all crying.

This mom....was not crying. As I looked around at each and every one of these moms crying I wondered what was wrong with me? Why was I not crying? Surely it was because I had not "birthed" this child. Surely there was something wrong with me. Surely, I was failing at motherhood....

I walked the 2 blocks home from that school. Tears filled my eyes. As I cried all the way home and most of that day....I couldn't figure out what was wrong with me.

I cried because I wasn't crying like the other moms?

I was so thankful to finally have respite from this child that I saw that first day of school at glorious. I have said the same thing for 9 yrs on the first day of school...

"It is one of the best things that the US goverment offers the parents of this planet....SCHOOL"

Baby Sister is Born...

June 27, 1999 our little baby tried to enter this world. Seven weeks and 1 day early. Thankfully, due to modern medicine our baby was not aloud to enter the world earlier. We would have to wait another 7 weeks and 2 days to find out if our baby was a boy or girl.

Our baby didn't get to share a birthday w/mommy - who was born on June 27th.
Our baby didn't get to share a birthday w/big brother - C who was born on June 28th.

Due the preterm labor - I was on bedrest most of the next 4 weeks.

On August 11, 1999 -- the day C clearly had been waiting for. He stood outside the operating room w/Grandma waiting to find out "It's A Girl" He was so excited.

For the first time in his life...he connected...he bonded...he loved his baby sister more than anyone else in his life!!

The next few days were filled with so much joy and grief. For the first time in my life I was able to know what a true bond w/your child was. I felt so much grief and remorse that I didn't have that with C. I was filled with rage and anger at his birth mother for hurting him. I was really angry and mourned that loss my little boy never had w/his birth mom and had not hd with me.

There were so many little things that he would say. When he would be visiting me in the hospital the nurse was doing something to MsA and she began to cry. He got very protective and said "Don't you hurt my baby!!!".

It became very clear, very early that no one would be aloud to look at, touch, hurt, or anything to baby sister Ms.A with out talking to her big brother!!!


"I'm Going to Kill this Baby"

We finalized in April. From April to August was a bit of a blur.

I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.

My love....was not enough!!!!

During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".

I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!

Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".

Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.

Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).

We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.

Our baby is born....Next

After Finalization

After we finalized our adoption our sons behaviors and issues went from bad to worse.

We thought we struggled before. We had no clue what was about to hit us.

Something was not right. Something wasn't right from the very begining. I knew something wasn't right... I was need to love him more, you need to give him some time. You need...

The other issue at hand was that "I" was the "ONLY" person who spent hours upon hour every day with this little boy. I was the "ONLY" person who was with him from the moment he woke up. Until the moment he fell asleep. "I" was the "ONLY" person who was having these horrific behaviors directed to.

After we finalized we had an "Adoption" party. Very similiar to a birthday/baby shower. Only the "child" was not a newborn. He was 4 1/2 yrs old. We were so excited. We were so happy.

It was a Sunday morning and I had slept in. My little gem was so sweet. Every morning he would wake up, come up stairs to my room w/a sippy cup (left in the fridge) and a snack that was prepared. He would wake me up and we would lay in bed and watch tv. I spent a majority of my prenancy on and off of bedrest. This particular day C didn't come upstairs....

I went down to find him and he was playing with all his new toys. He had dressed himself in one of his sweet new outfits. I was so proud of him for being such a big boy.

The look was a look that I will never forget. (He had many 'looks'..and theyweren't good). I asked him "what was the problem?" He just kept saying "nothing". I was very sensative to smells and thought I was just over reacting to a "odd smell". I went and took a shower and when I came back downstairs I knew that odd' smell was not going away and it was pregnancy related.

What I found next nearly put me threw the roof. I still remember how horrified I was to find out that my 4 1/2 your little boy - crapped in the vanity bathroom (he had a bathroom in his bedroom). I was livid. I was really really livid.

If only I knew then what I knew now. I lost it. It was the first time I really really lost it. I did not touch him - in fear that if I spanked him (which was what he wanted and I knew that) Ii wouldn't stop. But I was livid.

Then I discovered urine in his room. Over the next few days/weeks I discovered more and more 'urine' in this child's room.

Why? What was I doing? I have given this child my life. I would lay down my life for him. And he was crapping and pissing in places that dogs/cats do?

What the heck?

When I called my mom that day she didn't believe me. Then she did and said "well, you knew it wouldn't be easy. You...You...You..."

So now it is my fault?

I didn't crap in the cupboard.
I didn't pee all over my toys.

My husband said the same thing..."you knew it wouldn't be easy. what were you doing that you didn't know he needed to go potty? What...You...What...You?"

I called LDS SS and was told "You finalized your adoption...there is nothing we can do to help you."


WOW....This was just the beginning of really long roller coaster.

Saturday, April 12, 2008

Who Am I - Who are We?

I decided to post a bit of a different post today. It is a "biography" or "story" of who I family today... Give you a short "idea" so to speak of where we are at in our lives "today". I might "bump" repost this as I go threw this journey - 9 yrs is a lot to 'write' about. And even thoug in the last week I've wrote approx. a years worth..doesn't' mean that I will do that rest that fast. Or maybe I will. I don't know.

So for today this is what I decided to write about....

My dh and I have been married for 14 years. Some longer than others. Some shorter than others. But, 14 yrs non the less! There have been many trials and tribulations during the last 14 yrs.

We have had our lives blessed with 3 children. Nine and half years ago we were very blessed w/our first child - C (whom this blog is about) via adoption. He was 4 yrs old when he came to live with us.

One year later on a hot day in August our first biologicial child was born. A is now 8 1/2 yrs old. She is such a beautiful, gentle young lady. There is not a week that goes by that someone, somewhere doesn't say to me "She is such a beautiful little girl. She has such a beautiful spirit about her". She truly is a very gentle (not w/her brother and kind hearted young lady. She loves animals and I can definately see her becoming a vet some day.

Three years and 1 day after A entered this world we welcomed our 3rd child, 2nd biological child - MrB. Mr.B is now 5 1/2 yrs old. He is an extreme character by every ounce of the book. He is a comedian. He knows what to say, when to say it and often just says what is on his mind. He is a lot like his mom is many different ways. He just tells it like it is. (IE: today I was looking for a pair of pants. The size I had was to small. He says to me in the dressing room...well, i just guess you will need to get a smaller butt...cuz right now your's is just a bit to big." lovely, huh?

My husband hurt his back 5 yrs ago next month and has been on disability ever sence. He has had 2 back surgeries, gastric bypass and 2 different surgeries to remove kidney stones in that time period. He is currently going to school and will graduate in December. (We will not discuss the schooling anymore than just saying....he is a student.)

We have 2 cats. One who has recently taken upon himself to puke...nearly every day. We changed their food to wet vs hard and that has helped some. However, not enough. The same cat also craps outside the liter box every single day. This same cat is the cat that I've said several times in the last 4 yrs since my daughter got him "If we have to get rid of Sami - then we will have to get ride of Abi..." Today she informed me that if I wanted to get another dog than we would have to get rid of the cats and she was oka with that. LOLOLOL...Anyone want a cat? or two?

We have a 1 yr old Pug...Max. Check my other blog for pics of this silly guy.

And my daughter also has a hamster.

I work as an administrative assistant/receptionist for a Children's Occupational, Speech/Language and Physcial Therapy clinic. This clinic treats children with mild sensory to severe autism to chidlren w/feeding difficulties. It is a new job for me and I have loved every day of th elast month that I've been there. I hope and pray that it continues to be that way.

Our family is LDS. Although, we are currently inactive. There are some "deep" issues surrounding why. In my heart I think about going back to church every single day. I've just not been able to do it. I feel strongly that "I" need a RS and/or Bishop that truly understand where we've been and what we've been threw in regards to our adoption and disruption of C. I have a ton of anger, resentment and just plain...everything with the LDS SS social worker that placed Cor into our home and how things were handled. I realize that 1 person/agency does not reflect on what the church is as a hole. However, this hole experience has altered who I am so much.

So that is us in a bito f a nutshell.

I'm off to go potty, shower and get ready to go to a concert w/my dh in Illinois about an hour or so away. I won tickets to see Bucky Covington, Luke Bryan and Derks Bently...yeah for me.. :

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Evaluation and Finalization

With in a few months it became apparent to us there were some things that just were not right. Everyone kept telling us we just needed to love him more, be consistant, he never had been disciplined before so he was fighting that aspect of our parenting, he just needed consistant love...


Wow was that ever a blow to our hearts. (At least this momma). We loved him more than life itself. We tried to pull our brains over the entire life that had become ours and enbrace it.

We contacted the adoption agency and asked for more info on birth mom. We slowly were 'told things' by the birth grandparents that were not matching what we had been told previously. We were finding out bits and pieces.

Soon after we started having some of these issues the agency decided to pay for an evaluation.
Basically in a nut shell we were told that the things that were going on with him were normal and to be expected...and we were needed to just give him more love...and because I was pregnant....blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shortly after the evaluation we were told by the agency we were able to finalize our adoption early. The agency had a policy that all older child adoptions (C was 4 when placed w/us) could not finalize until 9 months or 1 yr after the child had been official place for adoption. (I can' not remember if it was 9 or 12 mnths. I thought it was 12..i dont' recall rightn ow). The State of WI has a law that you can finalize after 6 months.

We thought this was a blessing. We were sooo very excited. We were told by the social worker "because my pregnancy was not going so well, the baby and myself were considered very high risk and it was likely we would not be finalizing 'on time' if we waited they wanted us to be able to go fwd. By finalizing we would also be able to go to the Temple and be sealed as a family for eternity. (We are LDS).

This was the first mistake we made in this hole process.

We would have not finalized had we waited the original required amount of time per the agency regulations.

**As I stated in my last post this is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I know that "I" need to get this out. I need to write this for myself. I need to work past these thoughts and feelings. I just need to figure out how to do it w/o driving myself into a hole. Without making myself crazy over the what ifs, the would haves, could haves....

My feelings TODAY....

**I need to just say writing this much harder than I ever expected it would be. There are many memories that I have not thought about in many years. There are many warning signs, problems, and just plain anger that I have not thought about and/or even came close to dealing with. For 9 years this stuff has been stuffed really deep w/in my heart. I guess in a way to protect myself and C.

There is so much that I want to write about. There is so much that I think I need to write about. There is so much I think that needs to be wrote about. The emotions and memories have come flooding foward quickier than I ever thought they would be. I really thought that I would right this - the basics would be told and bla bla bla...

Nope, that just isn't the case. Please bear with me. I will say again this is more for my own therapy than it is for anything else. If on the way I say something that is helpful to someone else along the way - wonderful!! I know how I've searched and read and searched some more to find something...just something that would sing to my heart....something that would say this is normal for you to be thinking and/or feeling!!

There is nothing normal about what we went through. There is nothing normal about what you are going through.

I do believe there is hope. I do believe our kiddos deserve every ounce of help, love, determination that we can give them. And in the end if it isn't enough - than we go to bed at night knowing deep down that we did do what we could. Even though, right now as I right this I know I did all I could. My heart doesn't always think so!!

So..there you have feelings for today!!!

Do we finalize or not..

This was a question that we were asked nearly every single week. Would we finalize our adoption? Would we go threw with it? Because - you know I was pregant and we were going to have our baby.

It was something that I didn't even think twice about for a long time. Of course we were going to finalize. We loved C. We wanted to be his mom and dad long before I we conceived this baby. There was no question in our hearts/mind.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

Discussion on Attachment Disorder

Little did I know that the idiotic conversation that the SW would have with us on Attatchment Disorder would be what we would end up facing.

He said (I am not making this up) Are you familiar with attachment?
We said something in the lines "of how it was when the child bonds with the parents/caregivers".
He said - I can see by how C is responding to you that there are no issues with attachment. If you think there might be issues you can read this book...and told us what it was. I can't remember what it was. However, I know that when I looked into it was NOT anything that would have been helpful or anything of the sort in regards to attachment.

That was our discussion/training on Attachment Disorder!!!

Since I'm on this topic and the agency. THis was the extent of our conversation in person with this agency. Not only did they NOT do placement visits in person. They were only at our home TWO TIMES EVER...Once was a few days after C came to live with us. He came one other time a few months later.

Adoption - Pregnancy?

During the year before C came to live with us. We actively tried to conceive. During this time as we prayed about what our journey would be. We always said "if we would get pregnant before Corry was placed with us..we would not move fwd with the adoption".

In August when C came to live with us - we were not pregnant.

In September I saw the 3rd specialist for a 3rd opinion...told the same thing.

I still wanted my baby. I still wanted a baby. I was happy, I loved my little 4 yr old blonde haired baby. But...I still wanted more children.

I made an appt. with the 4rth infertility specialist in 4 years. For our 4rth...opinion.

On November 4, 1998....What I was told at that appt. was basically the same thing as the previous 3 doctors. He gave me a little bit of hope in the options we had. Basically there was some sort of procedure that we could go threw. It would not increase our chances of conceiving vs some one that didn't have fertility problems.

The last week of November I struggled with stomach problems. I had been having severe cramping. I wasn't supposed to get my cycle for another week. December 1st I made an appt. with the PA at our clinic. I truly felt like this was due to the cycle related issues that I had dealt with for severall years.

She insisted on doing a pg test. I insisted that I wasn't pg. The nurse did a urine test anyway because that was just "routine".

The appt. was almost over. The PA made an u/s appt for me to check for ovariann cysts and/or other female related issues. Right about the time I was getting ready to leave there was a knock on the door.

That knock .. changed my life forever.

The nurse said nothing. She took the paper, pointed to a line on the paper and walked out. Penny (my PA) with great shock as she read the papers says "Oh MY G_" She looks at me...looks at the paper.

As she told me that the results were positive and that I was pregant she was fighting back the tears. Of course - there was no holding back tears on my part.

There were tears of joy, tears of fear, more tears of joy and more tears of fear...fear of the unknown.

Penny called the U/S dept back and changed my appt that was supposed to be in 3-4 days. It was changed to be immediately. I was to leave that clinic and go directly to the other clinic across town and from there I was to go directly to the office of the OB specialist that i had seen a few weeks earlier. I remember hearing her on the phoen with him standing outside my room. I knew it wasn't good.

As I called James on the cell phone to tell him I coudl barely get it out. I wasn't able to tell him anything other the agency (who we worked for because we were live in caregivers and needed someoen to be there after the gal got home).

I dont' recall all the events from that day. For some reason I had the u/s and James was with me. But when I actually saw Dr. F he wasn't with me. Maybe he was and he was in the waiting rooom with C. I can't remember.

My appt. with Dr. F was something never forgot. Least I will nto.

THis short little Asian man...told me that he didn't know if I was in the midst of having a tubal pregnancy. My lab work showed that I wasn't "very" pregnant. Yet, my u/s showed there was a 'fetus like formation' in my fallopian tube. He was not convinced that it was a tubal pg. He wanted to "monitor" me and every day we would evaluate the situation.

Deep breathes...That is what I needed. We were sooooo very excited. We were soooo very scared.

I had daily hormone levels drawn. I had 2 u/s a week the first 2 weeks we found out.

One particular Saturday my OB called me from home to see how I was doing. My hormone levels from the day before and that day did not do what he wanted them to do. DAMN!! I will never forget sitting in my living room that Saturday morning...pleadiing with Dr. F to do surgery on me that day!! To end this living hell we were going threw. To end the pain I was in. I wasn't aloud to do anything. I was considered very high risk. I wanted this all to end.

He said "yesterday's u/s showed that the formation has not moved and/or gotten any larger...that is a good sign." he wanted to wait until Monday. Do another ultrasound. If on Monday the fetus like formation in my tube had not moved or disappeared I would have surgery immediately.

Monday came. My little piece of rice....her name is Ms. A and she is now 8 yrs old!!! That formation in my tube was either A: Abi as a fetus or B: a cyst. I wil not go into details because that is not what this blog is about. What I will say is we needed a miracle...we received a miracle. And my did not forget my pleading with him to 'end this now....'. The day she was born as he was taking her out of my belly (c-section) he reminded me (not that i needed reminded) how I pleased with him to end the pregnancy.

Can I just say that not only we were sooo excited. C was VERY VERY excited!! He told 'everyone' how his mommy was going to have a baby.

The interesting thing is...when I actually saw my OB in November - I was pregant.
It is believed that the time I conceived was the same time/week/month that the TPR was final and C was officially placed with us for adoption.


I don't know that I want to fully explain what happened.

I will say that when we got the call from C's grandma it was because she had suspected her husband was sexually abusing C. When she questioned hiim about it he freaked out. Instead of talking it out w/her he faxed a letter to the prison stating that once someone is accused of this they are always found guilty and blah blah blah.

Anyway, that is why Grandma called us. SHe didn't want CPS to show up and take him away to strangers. If we could just do respite for a few days until everything was sorted out than that would be good.

There is a lot more to the story but I don't know that I can really go into it. In a nut shell - the grandparents psychologist vouched from them and said that Grandma was "dreaming" things and it never happened. blah blah blah...cry me a river.

In a post later on I will talk more about the accusations.

The next few weeks were a whirlwhind of emotions. We had a little boy who was grieving the loss of this grandparents. However, he still was able to see them. He was not able to have overnights but he was able to see them during the day.

Fast Fwd August 1998....Part 1

**Added More...**

Fast forward to the summer of 1998. We knew the TPR hearing was coming soon.

C's birthmom was in prison a few hours away. She was a great con artist and would "hinder" the hearings someway or another. There were several different hearings scheduled and several were cancelled because of one thing or another.

We planned a trip to Niagra Falls and New York in late July of that year. James' sister was getting married in the Toronto Temple. So we made it a vacation. We knew that we would be getting C permanantly anytime soon and wanted to include him on this trip. Because of legal logistics it wasn't possible.

At this point we had him at minimum of every other weekend. Many times more often than that.

Our homestudy was almost complete. We just needed to have a visit or something - I can't remember what exactly.

August 30, 1998 we went to church as we always did. It will be a day that is forever engraved into my memory. Sometimes it feels like it was just yesterday.

For some reason C's grandfather was at our church that day. They lived in a different ward than we did (in the beginning we were in the same ward). He said some very odd things to me that day. He seemed very distraught. He made comments like 'once accussed always guilty' and just some plain ugly comments.

I remember telling James something wasn't right. Maybe we should call Grandma and see if everything was okay. We decided not to call and just stay out of it.

We arrived home from church. Had just finished making lunch. Got M to bed (we were live in care-givers for a young lady who was a complete quad. and needed 100% assistance) and we had just sat down to relax.

When the phone rang we could tell who it was. When I answered I never could have believed what I heard on the other end. His Grandma was hysterical and crying. She wanted us to come get him immediately. Because we couldn't leave M we were not able to go together. As I talked with H on the phone I whispered to James he needed to go get C". For the next 25 or so minutes (until James got there) I talked with H and found out what had happened.

With in an hour - we became mom and dad. At that very moment/day we had no clue what was in store for us. At that very moment we didn't know if we would lose C or what would happen.

It was a brisk fall day. Our little boy came to us w/the clothes no his back. Maybe an outfit or two. But not much. The clothes he had were to small. He was scared. We were scared. It was the beginning of a long journey.

We called the LDS Social worker immediately. We tried calling him at home. No luck.

The next day the county social services was called by our adoption worker. We needed to make it very very very very....very very very....clear that in no way was C placed w/us from LDSSS. They had nothing to do with it. He came to us "in fear" he would be taken from his grandparent via what happened. Just as we took him for respite..this was really the same thing that happened. Only in our hearts we knew it was for good. We knew he wouldn't be allowed to go back to the home he had just came from.


What happened...

Tuesday, April 8, 2008

The "First" Phone Call

As I mentioned in the previous post months went by. Grandparents never mentioned to us why or what was going on in this process. We didn't ask. We were getting our updates from our friend K. That was good enough. We made it be known that if it was in their ability, their plan to not parent C after the TPR and he was placed for adoption we would be interested.

I changed jobs in August of 1997. I had worked in retail as a manager for Sears Portrait Studio. The district manager told me that I only needed to loose weight and if I did that I would become pregnant. WRONG thing to tell me!!! I was devastated to say the least. I weathered the storm, found a new job quickly and gave my notice.

I was leaving for work or on my way to work early in September of 1997 and James called me on my cell phone. He had just received a phone call from LDS Social Services.

OMGosh - I remember that day just as much as the day Cor actually came to live with us. It was the beginning of a long year.

The phone call was to clear up a few things. It was to tell us a few things.

The social worker told James that the C's grandparents had contacted him and told them what was happening. They asked that if at all possible that C be placed with an LDS family. And at that point had requested the agency if possible to get on board. Because the TPR was a county/state issue there were not guarantees.

The social worker wanted to know if we were intersted in moving forward. If so he told us what we needed to do. He told us what the costs would be if we went threw their agency. (Considerable less than an infant adoption). Made sure that we knew there were no guarantees and there were big risks.

We told him that we were interested. We would do what it took. We would work with the agency or with the state/county. We were interested. We wanted to adopt this little boy. We had been involved in this little boy's life since he was a year old.

We loved him. We felt that our home would be the best place for him. We were told that because he knew us. Hand bonded (ha) with us and that he would do so much better with us...

So the journey began.

A very long journey.

A very heartwrenching journey.

A very journey that would break my heart over and over again.

So the journey began.


James and I were married in January 1994. I was young and relatively immature.

After a few months due to health reasons I was no longer able to take birth control. No problem. We truly felt that if our Father in Heaven wanted to have children we woudl have them. In his due time. If I were to get pregnant than it would be meant to be. If not than not.

After about a year we decided that maybe we should look into why I wasn't getting pregnant. At the time our insurance covered basic infertility testing as it related to my health.

In the spring of 1997 fertility testing showed that I would not get pregnant on my own. Due to how my body reacted to sperm it was virtually impossible for this to happen. We were given the statistics on invetro and artificial insemination. We knew there was no way we could take the risk financially and end up with not getting pregnant or not being able to carry the baby to full term.

At that time we contacted LDS Social Services and began looking into adoption. Their policy was 10% of your income with a minimum of $4000 (for infant) and maximum of $10,000 (for infant).

Because we were not financially in the spot to go foward we put it on the back burner.

During all of this time a very good friend of ours was doing daycare for a little boy from our church. At one point I also did daycare for this little boy. The little boy was left shortly before he Christmas the year he was born - 1994. Just a few months old his birht mom left him with Grandma for a few weeks. During which time his grandparent received full custody of him. Over the next 3 1/2 yrs - this little boy lived with his grandparents. His birth mother in and out of his life. In and out causing more chaos than anyone could ever imagine.

We became friends with his grandparents. Including this little boy in our life. We took him quite a few weekends. We took him to family gatherings. We became attached to this little blonde haired little boy.

We were told by our good friend K that this little boy's birth mom was going toh ave her parental rights terminated. The BM also had another chidl who had been born (around 1997ish..same time this was going on) who was taken away at birth because mom tested positive for drugs.

One day while we were at church I pulled this little boy's grandma aside and told her that we were told by K that a TPR (termination of parent rights) was in order. We would be interested in finding out more information and possible adopting this little boy...this little boy's name is C.

Grandma told me that it would be a long haul. That the process was just beginning and that it wasn't for certain. I remember that day very vividly. I remember putting my hand on her shoulder and saying "Sister E...if it is meant to be it will be...I just want you to know that James and I are infertile. We will be adopting and we would love to find out more information".

We left it at that.

We still celebrated C's 3rd birthday with him as if he were our own child.
We took him to have his pictures taken - I was working as a photographer at the time so that wasn't to hard.

Months went by....

MONTHS (at least what seemed like MONTHS) went by....

Blog Title

You might wonder why/where I got the title of this blog. As I've been contemplating the name over the last few days/weeks the one thing that really stands deeply in my heart is what Nancy Thomas did for me.

I love Nancy Thomas and Deborah Hage. These two woman saved my life during the hardest time of this journey. They gave me hope. They gave me a light at the end of the tunnel. When I didn't think I could go on any more I just needed to pick up my "When Love is Not Enough" book and read it. I just needed to pick up one of the books that Deborah Hage gave us ( I can't recall which ones right now) and I would soon be able to have the strength to continue on one more day.

I reminded myself sometimes daily that my love was not enough and that he didn't want my love, that this little boy had a mommy, he had a grandmommy, he had all that...and that I was nothing but evil to him...MY LOVE WAS NOT ENOUGH!!!

Always a First

There is always a first when it comes to posting on a blog, writing a letter and so forth.

I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.

I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!

You are not alone.

I was not alone.

This is something that I need to remember.

What is the purpose of this blog?

It will tell a story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.

The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...

Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.

It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.

It is my hope and prayer that as you read realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!

:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!