Sunday, April 13, 2008

"I'm Going to Kill this Baby"

We finalized in April. From April to August was a bit of a blur.

I spent hours in love holds. I spent hours cleaning urine and crap out of places that they shouldn't be. I spent hours trying love this little boy more than I could ever begin to imagine.

My love....was not enough!!!!

During these months C would go from one extreme to the other. We would have days upon days were I would lay in bed and count my blessings. We would talk about the baby. We would talk about C as a baby. We would look at pictures of C as a baby we would talk about C being hurt as a baby. How I was so sorry this happened to him. And it was my job as his mommy to protect him -- I would never hurt him. I would never leave him. I...LOVE....YOU!!!We would talk about how much we loved each other. We would have wonderful days where he would tell me every single hour "Momma...I will not let anyone hurt our baby".

I knew nothing about attachment disorder. I knew nothing about attaching with my newborn baby. I was dumb!

Then we would have a day here and there and they would take every thing out of me. They would leave me wondering what was I doing? Why was I failing? Why was this so da*m hard?
I would sit for hours in love holds. I would sit and say over and over "I love you. I love you. I will never leave you. I love you...I love you...I will never leave you" While he would scream over and over "I hate you...I hate you...I'm going to kill the baby...I hate you..You are not my mom...I hate you...I will kill this baby".

Each and every time it would just kill my heart. After every time this would happen (about once a week) - he would eventually melt. When he melted he would be very remorsefull. He would be so sorry. He would cry and cry telling me he was so sorry and on and on it would go.

Most of the time this would happen after he saw his birth grandparents. We entered this adoption with giving the grandparents visitation. They tried to get court ordered visits and it didn't happen. (Remember, their daughter's parental rights were terminated..they lost all rights to this child at that point).

We didn't think it was in his best interest to end those visits.

Our baby is born....Next

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