Please Lord, Help Me!!!

Lord, please help me. Please help me "love my son more, please help me forgive him for being so defiant, please just let someone...anyone here me and listen to me..."

For weeks and months it seemed that I was pleading with the Lord to give me some sort of answer, some sort of break, just something - some shimmer of hope that things could get better.

Here I am w/a newborn baby and a 5 yr old. One child who was severely attached to my right boob and the other who wanted to cut the left boob off!! (sorry for the pun...but it was what I thought often...).

My husband didn't believe me. If he did that would mean he would have to acknowledge there was a problem.

My days were spent trying to figure out 'what was wrong' with my little boy. Surely, there would be an answer.

My mom always says "The Lord doesn't give us more than we can handle...." Well, Lord..this was more than I could handle.

Then my answer came. By means of a flyer that was sent home w/C from school.

The next morning I called the number. I spoke to this woman and for the first time in a year - I realized that I was not alone in this battle. That I was not crazy. That I did love my son enough.

I couldn't get enough. Oh my gosh...I sat there and wrote every word the women on the other side of the phone said. Word for word... She knew my son...she really did...not personally she didn't know him. But she "knew" him...she "lived" with him...her own son. She had got help and was on the way to healing.

Immediatly she told me what she believed C had..."Reactive Attachment Disorder". She explained to me what it was. She explained the theory, the concept, every single bit of what she said made 100% sense.

I was not crazy or was I?

This lady and her sister had began a non-profit organization to help support children/parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and other mental health problems. She told me what the initial consult and so forth would cost. She told me what their organization had to offer me. She gave me hope.

For some reason...that paper sat untouched for a few days.

I knew that there was no way we could afford the initial evaluation fee or any of the other things they had to offer.

Few days later I receieved an intake packet. I filled it out. I mailed it back. Having faith that the Lord would provide.

My prayers were once again answered. The next day after I sent it back Cheri called me and asked me if I could come into her office and meet w/her. I wasn't able to because I was babysitting a little boy at the time and I dnd't have a car during the days when James was working.

She offered to come to my house and meet with me.

Again - there was hope. I couldn't get "enough" of what she was telling me. I immediately started doing yahoo searches. I made an appt w/our pediatrician. I went fwd and wouldn't take no for an answer.

At that time we were told by our pediatrician that "Reactive Attachment Disorder" was NOT WHAT OUR SON HAD and that people were quick to say this was the 'problem' for all children.

My prayers were dashed. Do I believe my pediatrician? Do I believe this woman who lived this nightmare and had a son who was healing? We continued to move fwd w/the KAY Foundation.

They did their evaluation and did not charge us. In return we (I) voluntered in their office and groups for kids. Thehy started working w/us and things seemed to get a little better.

They referred us to an Attachment Therapist. The only one in our area that has extensive experience working with adopted children.

It took us a while to make contact w/this therapist. Once we did...it was like the Heaven's had opened.

During this time period (We got the flyer in October of 99) and it was now spring of 00...

We had moved. We were live in caregivers for a couple who were developmentally disabled. (The woman was WAY R.A.D!!!!) . I was getting daily, weekly and even hourly phone calls from the school. I was going insane.

My son methodically "planned" outbursts at school. In kindergarten this child was suspended from school. WHAT? You are doing WHAT?" I yelled at the principal. I said "NO...I will be right there and WE will have a talk".

I demanded that he would NOT be home w/me. I demanded that he would NOT be suspended. He was 5 yrs old and he was NOT staying home with me.

The principal and I went round and round...

I won. C had ann inschool suspension WITH the principal. He followed him everywhere the entire day. He made it clear "this will not be fun for him...I hope you know that" HELLO dummy...I dont' think a child who did what he just did...should have FUN.

The next day he came home from his 'in school suspension' and I asked him how it went. His reply..."Mom, it was the best day of my life in school. I loved it. Every moment. I got all of my work done. I got more work done and Mr. _ had to go ask Mrs. _ for more work...I did really good".

Why did he do so good? I knew immediately....

There were no demands put upon him. He was not in a room with 20 other kids, he was able work at his own pace, do as he wanted when he wanted all day long....

We also found at that his IEP was not being followed at this new school. He was supposed to have a one on one aide...we found out he didnt'. Had he been supervised w/this 1-1 aide...the thiings he was doing wouldn't have happened. The school...had him an aide immediatly upon hearing form the KAY Foundation and myself that they were not incompliance w/the State laws re: IEP's.