Thursday, April 24, 2008

This Stinks!!

As I said in the beginning of writing this I was doing it for me...myself...and...I.

It is a way for me to write what our time was with Corry. The good and the bad. I feel like it is so much bad. I told someone today that "there were more good than bad" but that writing this seems like it was the opposite. Yet, if there were more good times than bad...then he would still be with us. What the heck? I don't get it.

If along the way someoen came across our story and we were able to touch one life. I was able to give another mom the justificatin that...she wasn't alone...than that would be great. I've received a few emails from people who came across our other blog and then this one and said "thank you". :) For that...I'm happy.

I'm finding that going back threw the details is very draining. Talking about very draining.

Today I was able to "feel" first hand how talking about the situation, about what has happened, what it has/is doing to me in my life today can/does make me feel worse.

For those reading who actually care....let me give you an example.

My current therapist is going on maternity leave - any day. I've thought about just going on leave with her. Then think that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. Over the last 8 yrs I've had 3 therapist leave and now the 4th is going on leave. I've only seen her a few months. Just got to a point where I could talk about Cor w/her and feel comfortable. Today I met w/the person I will be seeing while she is gone. I kind of know this lady because I took a "Mindfullness" class over the last 8 weeks and she was one of two therapist who taught the class.

Anyway, I went in today feeling great. I had spent the 2 hours before going to the appt. working on a picture video for my grandma who is dying of alzheimer's. Prior to that I worked from 8-12 and had a great morning at work. I was able to get a ton of work done w/re-organizing the charts.

As this gal and I were talking about life and how thing swere going and where/what the deal is w/me at this point I just became more and moe overwhelmed. I came home and haven't been able to shake it since.

I'm missing Corry. I want to just hold him one more time. I want to be able to tell him how much my heart misses him. How very sorry I am that I failed him. I want...just one more day....just one more laugh...just one more everything.

And talking about Corry today w/J_ = didn't help. I wish I would have been able to sense at the time that I couldn't go there. That is the thing that is sooo frigging hard about this. This STINKS!!! I didn't want to terminate. I didn't file the TPR motion. I DIDN"T fight it because I had no more fight left in me. Did I do the right thing?

I know the facts.
I know that we did everything we could for Corry.
I know that we sought out the best of the best.

I know~~~~~~~~~~~

Today.... the "I knows...." just aren't good enough!!!!

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