Holidays Came...

and went with muchy more ease than in years past.

I still struggled.  However, not nearly as much as I have in years past. 

The struggle was more in the realm of other abuse/trauma related to my own childhood.  Things that have never been address.  Clearly...the struggles have been my own personal issues than issues related to our disruption.  Issues related to my own health and the ability to not take any type of RX medication w/o having significant fall out.  I've blogged a great deal on my private depression related blog (this blog is annon.  It does not have private settings.  If you would like the link you need to contact me via comments or email for the address) about the up and mostly down battle that 2011 brought.  It was by far one of the worst years that I've had in the realm of depression and anxiety.  October/November proved to be the toughest of all.  And I came close to being hospitalized after having a medication reaction that set me close to the edge.   

Sure disruption sucks.
Sure  disruption stings.
Sure when I came across the last picture of all 3 kids taken together my gut sank a lil.  But that was it.  I was able to look at it for what it was.  The last picture of all 3 kids together.  Progress...in little pieces is always welcome.

Christmas evening my inlaws and good friend and their families were here.  There was a conversation being had by my friends husband and my SIL.  The conversation almost ended with me going postal.  Initially, I was very hurt.  A few days passed and I mentioned to my friend that her dh was completely clueless about what he was saying. He did not intent on hurting my feelings.  However, his comments were not acceptable at anytime in my home.  She felt horrible and apologized profusely.   My SIL is a bitch.  She knew what she was saying.  She has over and over in the past made hurtful comments about Cor and our disruption and the situation in general. 

This year the child turns 18 years....and somehow the thoughts and feelings surrounding this milestone will need to be dealt with.  I hope and pray that just like the last picture I came across of all 3 children. I will also be able to see it for what it is.  He turns 18...  Please remind me in June....would you?

I Couldn't Make This Sh*t Up if I Tried...

Every step of the way, I have often thought that there is no way I could make up even half of the bs that has surrounded our 'adoption story'. 

You know the one where you and your spouse go through years of infertility.  Have 4 specialist in 4 years tell you ...Ms _ you will never conceive naturallly.....and then you decide to look into adoption

Only to find out the cost is above and beyond your current ability so you let it sit on the back burner for awhile.  Putting all your faith in the Lord and saying "In HIS time we will move forward.  In HIS time we will become parents.  In HIS time OUR CHILDREN will be brought to this earthly home of ours...."

Only to have the agency you orginally contacted and NEVER filled out any paperwork or even give them  your info....yolu just inquired...to have them contact you and tell you that YOU were chosen by bio grandparents of a child that WOULD eventually be available for adoption.... 

Then not even a year later have that bio family contact you, in an emergency, and have us take the child for emergency respite. 

ONLY to have that emergency placement become...permanent.

Only...only only only only only......

to have so many wrongs end up making a right.

ONLY to have so many rights....end up being WRONG!!

To have lived your life in such a Christian/Christ-like manner that you were certain this child was your child.  And you believed with all your heart that the Lord had orchistrated a true miracle (which I still do believe) when you found out you were pregnant for your first biological child, only a few short weeks after you signed the intent to adopt paperwork.  Having said ALL ALONG that you would NOT adopt or follow-thru with adopting should we get pregnant before this child was placed w/us permantly for adoption.

Only...only...only!!

Only to have so much that seemed so dang right.  Go so VERY wrong.

I couldn't make this Sh*t up if I tried....

***you know the disruption sh*t.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh.
***you know the hooking up w/bio mom on FB and ever so often friend requests that you get.
***you know the constant phone calls to your dh that go unanswered.
***you know the pulling into a McD's parking lot....over an hour from your home, on your way to do a photoshoot....ONLY to see this child...whom you have only seen a picture of on your states waiting child listing and his FB profile pic....to SEE him walking into McD's for breakfast (or lunch...could have been either bc it was right about that time.)
***you know the phone calls...the ones that happen as I'm responding to a blog comment..just seconds before beginning this post.

Ever so often....as in this last week....I say to myself many times a day...."i couldn't make this shit up if I tried" and a few other things that I will not go into on this blog.

I sure do...

love the attachment therapist that we saw w/Corry.

It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.

One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.

We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.

From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.

I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.

Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.

Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.

I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....

If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.

And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....

The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....

If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.

What was I Thinking????

Some times we do/say things that later make us think "What was I thinking by doing that?"

Today, I did something that has me thinking on those same lines.

It isn't anything bad or that could get me in trouble. It was just something that has made my heart ache ever since.

I will not go in to details on "how" I found out.

However, I will say this.... The child whom we were told was "re-adoptable" has not been "re-adopted".

Is this a surprise to me? BIG FAT NOOOOOOO!!!
Is he better off now as an orphan? BIG FAT NOOOOOOOO!!!
Do I feel better with this information? BIG FAT NOOOOOOO!!!

This Stinks!!

As I said in the beginning of writing this I was doing it for me...myself...and...I.



It is a way for me to write what our time was with Corry. The good and the bad. I feel like it is so much bad. I told someone today that "there were more good than bad" but that writing this seems like it was the opposite. Yet, if there were more good times than bad...then he would still be with us. What the heck? I don't get it.



If along the way someoen came across our story and we were able to touch one life. I was able to give another mom the justificatin that...she wasn't alone...than that would be great. I've received a few emails from people who came across our other blog and then this one and said "thank you". :) For that...I'm happy.



I'm finding that going back threw the details is very draining. Talking about it..is very draining.



Today I was able to "feel" first hand how talking about the situation, about what has happened, what it has/is doing to me in my life today can/does make me feel worse.



For those reading who actually care....let me give you an example.



My current therapist is going on maternity leave - any day. I've thought about just going on leave with her. Then think that maybe that wouldn't be a good idea. Over the last 8 yrs I've had 3 therapist leave and now the 4th is going on leave. I've only seen her a few months. Just got to a point where I could talk about Cor w/her and feel comfortable. Today I met w/the person I will be seeing while she is gone. I kind of know this lady because I took a "Mindfullness" class over the last 8 weeks and she was one of two therapist who taught the class.

Anyway, I went in today feeling great. I had spent the 2 hours before going to the appt. working on a picture video for my grandma who is dying of alzheimer's. Prior to that I worked from 8-12 and had a great morning at work. I was able to get a ton of work done w/re-organizing the charts.



As this gal and I were talking about life and how thing swere going and where/what the deal is w/me at this point I just became more and moe overwhelmed. I came home and haven't been able to shake it since.



I'm missing Corry. I want to just hold him one more time. I want to be able to tell him how much my heart misses him. How very sorry I am that I failed him. I want...just one more day....just one more laugh...just one more everything.



And talking about Corry today w/J_ = didn't help. I wish I would have been able to sense at the time that I couldn't go there. That is the thing that is sooo frigging hard about this. This STINKS!!! I didn't want to terminate. I didn't file the TPR motion. I DIDN"T fight it because I had no more fight left in me. Did I do the right thing?



I know the facts.
I know that we did everything we could for Corry.
I know that we sought out the best of the best.

I know~~~~~~~~~~~



Today.... the "I knows...." just aren't good enough!!!!

Not all Bad

There were many good days. There were many weeks that were good. We had many memoriable moments that were not all bad. Many of those moments were good.

As I think about our time as a family these good moments make it easier to get through the rough days. These good days make it just as tough to get through the tough days - because the guilt really bothers me. The "what ifs" really bother me.

I want to make it clear that there were good days and this is all that I have to hold on to right now. Those good days help me get through the bad days that I am having now.

As I can and think about it I will try to add in the good moments.

Evaluation and Finalization

With in a few months it became apparent to us there were some things that just were not right. Everyone kept telling us we just needed to love him more, be consistant, he never had been disciplined before so he was fighting that aspect of our parenting, he just needed consistant love...

LOVE HIM MORE....

Wow was that ever a blow to our hearts. (At least this momma). We loved him more than life itself. We tried to pull our brains over the entire life that had become ours and enbrace it.

We contacted the adoption agency and asked for more info on birth mom. We slowly were 'told things' by the birth grandparents that were not matching what we had been told previously. We were finding out bits and pieces.

Soon after we started having some of these issues the agency decided to pay for an evaluation.
Basically in a nut shell we were told that the things that were going on with him were normal and to be expected...and we were needed to just give him more love...and because I was pregnant....blah blah blah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Shortly after the evaluation we were told by the agency we were able to finalize our adoption early. The agency had a policy that all older child adoptions (C was 4 when placed w/us) could not finalize until 9 months or 1 yr after the child had been official place for adoption. (I can' not remember if it was 9 or 12 mnths. I thought it was 12..i dont' recall rightn ow). The State of WI has a law that you can finalize after 6 months.

We thought this was a blessing. We were sooo very excited. We were told by the social worker "because my pregnancy was not going so well, the baby and myself were considered very high risk and it was likely we would not be finalizing 'on time' if we waited they wanted us to be able to go fwd. By finalizing we would also be able to go to the Temple and be sealed as a family for eternity. (We are LDS).

This was the first mistake we made in this hole process.

We would have not finalized had we waited the original required amount of time per the agency regulations.

**As I stated in my last post this is much harder than I could have ever imagined. I know that "I" need to get this out. I need to write this for myself. I need to work past these thoughts and feelings. I just need to figure out how to do it w/o driving myself into a hole. Without making myself crazy over the what ifs, the would haves, could haves....

Always a First

There is always a first when it comes to posting on a blog, writing a letter and so forth.

I don't know what to write say right now to begin this blog. So I decided to start with where the title came from, what the purpose of this blog is and what I hope and expect in return from my viewers.

I've started this blog for a few different reasons. The main reason is for me and me only!! In the process of a bit of self therapy it is my hope and prayer that I can/will come across someone, somewhere who might be able to grasp something that I have said, be able to relate and at that moment take a deep breathe and tell themselves that "I am not alone..It is okay if I can't do this..I will survive..Just because my Love is Not Enough does not reflect that I am a horrible person, mother, father, grandmother, aunt, caregiver..whomever you are!!

You are not alone.

I was not alone.

This is something that I need to remember.

What is the purpose of this blog?

It will tell a story...my story...our story. It will be the story of what was my life and is currently the reminants of that life.

The story of our adoption, our disruption of that adoption, the ups, the downs, the this and that...

Soo....When Love was Not Enough....we ended up terminating our adoption. Just because my cute lil blonde haired little boy whom called me mommy for 10-11 yrs is no longer my son. Doesn't mean that he is no longer in my heart.

It is my intent to write at face value.
It is my intent to write what I am feeling. My feelings and only my feelings.

It is my hope and prayer that as you read this...you realize that this is...My Blog - My Feelings!!

:) Thank You so much to those of you who have supported me on this journey!!