Sunday, March 29, 2009

Last Nerve

I've got just one nerve remaining that is keeping my sanity intact

I truly need to just go to bed. It is 7pm. Maybe if I go to bed, the extra sleep will help induce 'weight loss" Go to MY OTHER BLOG to read about my newest discovery on sleep and weight loss.
I have a child in my home who can not play on her own. She is a very sweet lil raddish. Some days it is all I can do to not loose my patience with her. It is coming very quickly for me this evening. I need to just go to bed.
I have a child in my home who can not use the toilet properly. Thus she wears pull-ups and still manages to pee on my couch, chair, floor. This child is never out of my sight. The dear Lord truly does know...I would give anything right about now for her to be able to be out of my sight, playing w/my children. But she can't manage to do that. The most she has ever played by herself while in my home was 15 minutes. Usually, she tells me over and over and over and oved and over and over ...did I mention she repeats this 100 times an hour..."Gala, look I'm playing by myself". In reality she is not playing by herself. She is holding a toy, staring at me with those RADish eyes....I usually respond in a nice way. Today, it wasn't so nice. It was more of a "ENOUGH already..." I should just go to bed.

I have a child in my home who will not stop telling me she wants to smell my butt, lifting her shirt, telling my son his butt stinks. She has many time outs in the corner and strong sitting moments to think about the naughty talk. If I could trust her not to flood my bathroom, she would be strong sitting and thinking about the potty talk in the bathroom. I can't. So it happens out here. I'm tired...I should go to bed. My patience is truly depleted.

I have a child in my home who keeps telling me she is going to go home today and I need to call her mom. She is currently fighting w/my daughter upstairs. I guess, she can't go watch tv for even 2 minutes with Abi. So much for trying. I.AM.TIRED.
Did I mention...I should probably just go to bed. In hopes of not having a moment of pure insanity and like I did yesterday at Costco (see link above and my other blog).
We do respite for this child in my home every weekend. If she isn't having seizures, then there are behavior issues that are rather minor most days. However, today I have one last nerve and it is about to fall off that leaf!!

~Some times~

~~the most sincere, heart felt comments....pierce your heart.

For those of you have read my blog for a bit may/may not remember that we received a phone call about Cor back in January. Since then we received an update that he was moved out of the treatment foster/group home for threatening the owners wife. (not a bit suprise).

This afternoon I had just prepared lunch for our family. The Missionaries/Elder's were coming for dinner. As I sat down to the table Abi says....

"Mom, can you and I go shopping and make an Easter Basket and care package to send to Corry?"

So sweet.
So innocent.
So much pain.
So much anger.
So much.....

As I told her "Ab, no we can't. Cor was moved from that home. We dont' know where he is at and it is most likely not a place that would allow him to have treats and special things like that"

Wow...that digs deep. For me. For Ab. For Cor. For everyone.

She doesn't understand.

She knows that her brother was gone. She knows that he hurt her and her little brother. She knows so much more than what we can/have given her credit for. He was not talked about in our lives (still isn't for the most part). Then one night she hears her father talking to him on the phone. How confusing for her. I feel like I lied to her. I told her we could send him a package and now we can't.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Children with R.A.D.

~you can spot them from a mile away~

**this is my opinion (as with the entire blog) and my opinion only. You don't like what I have to say...don't read it. Agree to disagree. Thank You**

If you read my other blog Story of Our Life - you may or may not know that I drive bus for the mass transit system in the town nearby (we live in suburb). I am employeed by the city. All employees start out part time, advance to full time based on sceniority...currently I'm #3 in line. As a PT employee I am blessed (not) to drive the City of M_ middle and high school children. They are something of a different breed of human beings.

I might have mentioned this before..not sure.

Few months ago I had a young lady, about 7th grade, start riding. The first few days she was rather "needy". Didn't go far from me. I don't "follow" normal/standard yellow school bus routes. Just like in Mass Transit - if you want off..your ring the bell 1-2 blocks in advance. You don't ring it. I don't stop. End of Story. I'm a beeotch when it comes to this. I have to be.

Well, I 'taught' her the rules and the first week she forgot to 'ring' the bell severall times. Did I mention she was needy? From day one I could tell. But, decided to be nice and thought to myself - she is in a new LARGE school and I need to give her the benefit of the doubt.

Well, Feb. 9 ( remember because that is the day I was hit by a car - happened right after my 'incident with Ms. Mouth'. Ms. Mouth and I had a few words that day. She continued to be mouthy. I was very clear in my expectations. KEEP YOUR HANDS TO YOURSELF. I didn't loose my cool w/this kid like I do the others. I'm not very nice to be honest -- usually I tend to go.metro..... I was calm and collective. Because, deep in my heart...I could tell. This child has R.A.D. I had listened to her over the course of a few weeks, learned her life story (or somewhat of what I could actually believe.) I decided I needed to start the paper trail......she received her first incident report. Quite frankly - ANYONE who calls me an F'n Beeotch...well...I write a report.

Come back from my 2 weeks off. She has made friends. (so I thought).

Over the last few weeks I have come closer and closer to loosing my patience. Friday, it was the end of it.....I.Lost.My.Chit!! S'rsly folks.... As I informed these middle school children that if they didnt' shut their traps (my exact words) I would arrange for assigned seats. Of course Ms. Mouth and Mr. Mouth decide to talk back. As I am driving (they are standing right behind me). I tell warn them. They didn't oblige. Mr. Mouth apologized (he is in Foster Home,fell from 3rd story building at age of 2-3 and well...he really did mean it and he tries to listen and be respectful). Ms. Mouth, well she didn't shut her trap. As she got off the bus, she told me "I GUESS I will see you on Monday in my assigned seat you F'n B... I started laughing hysterically. She was lucky she got of the bus. Cuz, Ms. Bus driver might have come undone...I was a bit on the extremely depressed side of life, on a new antidepressant that I was having extremely horrible side affects...and well....she is lucky she left.

I wrote an incident report. I had the last 2 days off and was not able to 'follow thru' with my promise. Dang it.



As I spoke w/the principal who had not received my report yet this chick lost it on me. Told me (us) she was going to 'spread it all over the bus'. I said 'spread what? That you ahve an assigned seat in the back of the bus because you can't be respectful to adults?" No she says..that you are a big...I can't repeat it. OH'...that I'm a big bitch. That's okay Ms. Mouth...I dont' care what you think of me. You WILL not talk to me this way. GOt it? She didnt' look at me. She then kept going at the mouth. I calmly told her if I have to write ONE MORE incident report she will be finding alternate means of transportation to school. I didn't want to do that. I want to see her succeed. She blew her mouth. The principal just looked at me, smiled and said to her Ms. Mouth...she is trying to work with you...she continued to go off. I calmly smiled and said "HONEY, I will say to you RIGHT now what I say to you EVERY best SHUT YOUR TRAP, go find a seat at the BACK OF THE BUS........". ROFLMAO....s'rsly, I think the principal probably pee'd her pants.

Ms. Mouth got on the bus...running her big trap.

Principal then says to me..."We have your back. Just let us know. Ms. Mouth...well...she has some problems. (ya think)...she has some emotional problems (ya think)....she has what is called Reactive Attachment Disorder....(ya think...OMG...did a PRINCIPAL just admit this). I responded with 'oh..sure, I know exactly what RAD is...." I think the principal needed depends at this point. I then responded with "She will still be Respectful, Responsible and Fun to Be Around in my presence...or I will guarantee she has a different mode of transportation to school. Assuming that children with RAD most of the time have IEP's consider this your may want to set up alternate transportation for her..."

Smiled and got on the bus....


Saturday, March 21, 2009

List of Things that Would Mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING...if....

The list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if....

I can't find the wrestling forms that I need to send back for Bryant. I haven't balanced my checkbook in forever, good thing I have a darling husband to do that.  Should I join Netflix again? I'm scared to join the PTO but really I should. I am afraid if I join the PTO I would offend the rich, do-gooder, pms'n snobby parents with my all to casaul, not so rich attitude. Will I or won't I make the full-time pick for Metro on the next round? I really need to make the fulltime pick. Will the the next full time pick be in June or August or will I have to wait till January? I have 300 perfect lines to type, that means no backspacing to fix errors for my typing class, did I mention I hate typing?  I will not pay $25 for a bottle of jelly beans disguised as children's vitamins, eve if they are organic.  I never have enough time to myself, I'm going crazy with these people. Do people talk behind my back? I want to go to DisneyWorld, again.  Why does James have to insist on being so anal retentive with so many things and then end up sending the wrong very expensive tuperware steamer back to the company? Why couldn't he have just waited for his very relaxed, wait till everything passes, it will get done someday wife to send it back because would have been done right?  I used plastic bages yesterday, and the day before that, and the day before that, dang shoot me.  Did I remember to record Survivor t his week? Oh' wait it wasn't on because of some stupid basketball game.  I really have to go to that birthday party?  Will my children grow up to think I'm horrible? Am I really the worst mom ever?  I really did want to buy that sweet lil' purple jacket today, it would be so versatile.....

This is a partial list of things that would mean absolutely nothing if I were riding in a taxi cab with my husband on the way to the airport and we smashed head-on into a truck.

Every stress, every trigger, every judgment, every anxious thought, would explode in a cloud of papers and shoes and toothbrushes and flutter lazily down to rest on the highway in an eerie calm until the street sweeper pushed it away into the landfill of Things That Really Don't Matter. Just like that.

We are all, each one of us, at every turn, an instant away from profound change. Every moment counts, it really does.

Things that do matter: Love. James. My children. My good friends. My home.  My mom and dad.  My family. Sunshine.
What's on your list?

Think about it and let me know....
Love, Gala

We all have a little voice inside us that tells us if we're doing something decent or not,
something loving, something sharing, something giving,
but sometimes we have a lot of chatter in our lives.
That's why we need to learn to be quiet and listen.
(-Christopher Reeve)

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Muddy Waters

As you may have guessed by my last post, there are some muddy waters surrounding me lately. Not specifically re: our disruption - yet it is. Because, in the end, it all comes together as one. It all has defined me as the person I am today. It has changed me from the person I was 10 yrs ago. Some say for the better. I, for one, today would say not for the better. Ten years ago, as I would sit and cry for hours on end because I got my period and wasn't pregnant after yet another month of tests....I never once ever felt as tho I couldn't go on w/my day. I never once felt as tho the world outside was so bitter and mean. I never once stayed in bed w/the covers over my head. I can't afford to loose my job. I make way to much money for a part time job. The end result is way to good. Yet, as the muddy waters get deeper, it becomes harder and harder to crawl out of bed.

I could really use the prayers right now.

Monday, March 16, 2009

Lonely Road, Therapy, Ramblings...

I started this blog almost a year ago (few weeks shy) for many different reasons.

First it was to tell the story of our adoption, life w/a child dx with severe RAD and other mental health issues, and then the disruption.............

Having been encouraged by the therapist that I was seeing to write about this experience in some shape or form, I decided that blogging it would probably be the most theraputic. Along the way, if/when someone was encouraged, learned something or whatever...than great. Mission not only accomplished for myself...but truly for someone else. If it meant that one person read and said "HOLY CHIT I WILL NEVER adopt because I can't handle that..." Then...mission that is okay. In the end...not only will that mommy not be heartbroken as I have been but most IMPORTANTLY is that child will not be heartbroken.

Most importantly...if ther person on the other side of the screen realized he/she needed to learn more, educate themselves more, or just know they were not alone - great. Mission accomplished.

Over the last year life has had many ups and downs. We have learned so much, yet so little about our son. We received answers when we weren't looking for answers. We received answers we didn't really want to know.

Something that has taken a toll on my heart lately, deeper than I can can ever come close to explaining on this blog and unless you've disrupted can't understand.

Is what a lonely stink'n road this is. There is an unspoken rule in my family....dont' talk about it. I've tried several times over the last several years. I've learned that I'm alone. Recently, when I mentioned the latest development of C being kicked out of the group home to my mom she got upset at the group home owner for contacting us. My cue that it isnt' something that I can talk to her about.

Something that has not changed and will not change in the near future if ever....

This road is a really lonely road. Sure there is online support. It isn't something is comforting right now. It is exhausting to even think about.

This afternoon I was told that "you need to grieve, you need to talk about this, you need to not stuff will kill you from the inside out...."

What is there to talk about? Nothing is going to change. Reality sucks. Reality is I am mom to only 2 children instead of 3. Reality is I will never be mom to more than the 2 in my home. Reality is what it is. And I hate this. Reality is....I'm alone and NO ONE gets it because no one in my life has ever lived this.

~~~this has got to be to long~~~to depressing~~~so I'll end...

Sunday, March 15, 2009

2, 3, 4...what's one more??

The last few days I've really struggled with the reality that my family is complete. That my two beautiful children will be all that I will ever have.

I read fellow bloggers who have 4, 6, 10+ children and I can't help but wonder "what it would be like?"

What is one more child?


This weekend we had the little girl we do respite for. As we do nearly every weekend. Her older sister, M who is 7, came along. It was a great time. My 2 children and M had a sleepover on the living room floor. Something my children have never been able to do. They stayed up till midnight, ate cheeseballs and watched "Cheaper by the Dozen".

Recently, I had someone say to me she worries about the impact that N has on me. How having a 3rd child adds more stress and so forth. Sure, I can see the stress that comes about having the 3rd child. Specifically, when that 3rd child has significant medical issues along w/her
RAD-i-ness behaviors and there are days when I truly am pulling my hair out.

Then again....I pull my hair out w/my own children some days.

We added a 4rth child this weekend. It was great. Truly, it was. The girls (the older 2) picked up sticks for $$ in the yard. We had a nice dinner at the mall. We did some "shopping" and got headbands (check my other blog to see the collage...and you might see a handband/scarf).

When I look at our experience and how the disruption has molded myself, my family, the breaks my heart. It truly does. All we ever wanted was what was best for Cor and the rest of our children. I guess, in the end..what was best for Bry and Ab was to be in a family of only 2 children....

My heart doesn't always think that though....

Friday, March 6, 2009

Thank You...

Last night we were leaving the mall and I saw this t-shirt. I laughed hysterically. So much so I nearly took a picture of it. I had to go into the stupid store and actually move the scarf that was around the manequins neck to see that it actually did say...


Oh my goodness. How funny. I called the mom we do respite for and left her a message that I found a shirt for her.

Of course 99% of the time her kid wouldn't know what it meant anyway, nor would most of those who have RADish's...

Hope you find the humor in like I did. I don't think my husband really did. Then again...I don't really care if he liked it or not. I don't ask for his opinion on what I wear 99% of the time. I dont tel lhim what to wear and if I did he wouldn't listen to me anyway. :)

Tuesday, March 3, 2009

Not the News

~~I wanted to hear.

This afternoon I received a few txt messages from my dh while I was working.

The first was "I jst got of the phone with _ re Corry".

about a half hour later....

The second text "Cor was kicked out of _'s group home. He threatened his fiance".

Even though, very deep rooted in my heart, I knew that this was probably going to happy. The last time dh spoke to _ he mentioned that Cor wasn't doing so hot and was becoming more and more of a physical threat to to a disabled boy there at the home". So we knew it was likely to happen.

We had hope. At least I did. I had a great deal of hope. Hope that maybe he would have something click in his brain. Hope that just maybe he would want to work towards having more contact.

That never happened.

The likelihood that it will happen is probably very slim-to-non.

He was moved to a town (where he was when this all started) to a juvi. detention. For several years we were told "he's not old enough to go to detention. No one will take him. Blah Blah Blah."

Guess what. The fact of the matter still remains. Nothing.Has.Changed.Not.One.Single.I-Ota. Noone.Will.Take.Him.

Now he is old enough for detention.

What will happen iin 3 1/2 years? Then what? Who then?

I've struggled a great deal the last few years with this hole bull-chit. Hell the last 10 yrs of my life were centered around this STUFF. The last month and half, for the first time in several years, I've had a bit of peace in my heart. I've not had sleepless night wondering where he was or if he was okay. Somehow, knowing where he was...seemed to help. At least to degree anyway.

That all changed this afternoon.

When I received that txt from my husband - the scab was torn off again. Detention is not the answer. My home is not the answer. I don't know what the answer is.

I wish that somehow my Father in Heaven could show me the meaning to I want to know. I want to know RIGHT NOW.

The sleepless nights are back, I can just feel it.

Pray for Cor. Pray for his heart to be softened. Not like I've not done this every flubbin' day of my life for the last 10 yrs. Pray that somehow there can be some sort of peace and understanding. Not like I've not done this every flubbing' day of my life for the last 10 yrs.