Sunday, March 15, 2009

2, 3, 4...what's one more??

The last few days I've really struggled with the reality that my family is complete. That my two beautiful children will be all that I will ever have.

I read fellow bloggers who have 4, 6, 10+ children and I can't help but wonder "what it would be like?"

What is one more child?


This weekend we had the little girl we do respite for. As we do nearly every weekend. Her older sister, M who is 7, came along. It was a great time. My 2 children and M had a sleepover on the living room floor. Something my children have never been able to do. They stayed up till midnight, ate cheeseballs and watched "Cheaper by the Dozen".

Recently, I had someone say to me she worries about the impact that N has on me. How having a 3rd child adds more stress and so forth. Sure, I can see the stress that comes about having the 3rd child. Specifically, when that 3rd child has significant medical issues along w/her
RAD-i-ness behaviors and there are days when I truly am pulling my hair out.

Then again....I pull my hair out w/my own children some days.

We added a 4rth child this weekend. It was great. Truly, it was. The girls (the older 2) picked up sticks for $$ in the yard. We had a nice dinner at the mall. We did some "shopping" and got headbands (check my other blog to see the collage...and you might see a handband/scarf).

When I look at our experience and how the disruption has molded myself, my family, the breaks my heart. It truly does. All we ever wanted was what was best for Cor and the rest of our children. I guess, in the end..what was best for Bry and Ab was to be in a family of only 2 children....

My heart doesn't always think that though....

1 comment:

Lisa said...

We haven't done a disruption - yet. I say yet because there are days where I just feel like I can't take it one more minute, let alone another 3 years until my son turns 18 (that is assuming he moves out at 18 and that doesn't seem likely). In reading this post, I have to agree with you - you do change, and not always for the best. I used to have kids here all the time (well, I still have 7 kids living at home and a 22 yo daughter who is moving back home next month so there'll be 8 then, but we have 4 biological and 6 adopted children total). I mean "extra" kids - nieces and nephews, the kids' friends, respite care kids, etc. One more for dinner, one more to tag along at the basketball game didn't bother me in the slightest. Then my son's RAD started to become more prominent. It was always there, and I saw all the signs, and I begged for someone to tell me "what" the problem was, but I didn't know about RAD until 2 years ago. I kept being told that he was fine, that there was nothing wrong with him, besides his developmental delays and that he just needed more attention. Well, the child has ALWAYS needed more attention, there was never an amount that was enough for him - EVER. The pitiful looks, the begging for stuff, the whole "nobody likes me" mentality started to take it's toll on me and the other kids. The more erratic his behavior became, the less we socialized with other people, the more we kept to ourselves. At this point, we have NO ONE. We are isolated. He just got a new psychiatrist and new home based counselor who are supposed to help him and preserve our family - make no mistake about it though, they are there to help HIM, not the rest of us. We're all supposed to understand his difficulties, but no one is there telling him to STOP torturing the rest of us. Sometimes I forget that and tell his counselor something that I just shouldn't about his behavior. It became obvious very quickly that I need to watch what I say because if he can blame me for Daniel's problems, he will - it's easier that way isn't it?

I am a very different person today than I used to be. I just started doing respite for a friend of mine who has a 4 mo. old, 19 mo old and 4 yo foster sib group and I LOVE IT! I can't tell you how much I missed it. I'm still on pins and needles when they're here and he's here, but I have to force myself to try to do something I used to do. Everything is such an effort now, things that seemed so effortless before are now an ordeal. I have to get ME back, I have to help my dh find the joy in our family again because everything revolves around our son right now and it's so...old.