Sunday, March 29, 2009

Last Nerve

I've got just one nerve remaining that is keeping my sanity intact

I truly need to just go to bed. It is 7pm. Maybe if I go to bed, the extra sleep will help induce 'weight loss" Go to MY OTHER BLOG to read about my newest discovery on sleep and weight loss.
I have a child in my home who can not play on her own. She is a very sweet lil raddish. Some days it is all I can do to not loose my patience with her. It is coming very quickly for me this evening. I need to just go to bed.
I have a child in my home who can not use the toilet properly. Thus she wears pull-ups and still manages to pee on my couch, chair, floor. This child is never out of my sight. The dear Lord truly does know...I would give anything right about now for her to be able to be out of my sight, playing w/my children. But she can't manage to do that. The most she has ever played by herself while in my home was 15 minutes. Usually, she tells me over and over and over and oved and over and over ...did I mention she repeats this 100 times an hour..."Gala, look I'm playing by myself". In reality she is not playing by herself. She is holding a toy, staring at me with those RADish eyes....I usually respond in a nice way. Today, it wasn't so nice. It was more of a "ENOUGH already..." I should just go to bed.

I have a child in my home who will not stop telling me she wants to smell my butt, lifting her shirt, telling my son his butt stinks. She has many time outs in the corner and strong sitting moments to think about the naughty talk. If I could trust her not to flood my bathroom, she would be strong sitting and thinking about the potty talk in the bathroom. I can't. So it happens out here. I'm tired...I should go to bed. My patience is truly depleted.

I have a child in my home who keeps telling me she is going to go home today and I need to call her mom. She is currently fighting w/my daughter upstairs. I guess, she can't go watch tv for even 2 minutes with Abi. So much for trying. I.AM.TIRED.
Did I mention...I should probably just go to bed. In hopes of not having a moment of pure insanity and like I did yesterday at Costco (see link above and my other blog).
We do respite for this child in my home every weekend. If she isn't having seizures, then there are behavior issues that are rather minor most days. However, today I have one last nerve and it is about to fall off that leaf!!

1 comment:

Lisa said...

I just finished reading your entire blog (no, not in one sitting, my old eyes won't allow that anymore, lol). All I can say is that we've walked the same road. I feel the pain in your writing and I do, honestly, understand. As I mentioned before, we haven't disrupted yet. I wish disrupting were easier - or better yet - services were just THERE, so the idea of disrupting wouldn't even be floating in our minds.

The one thing I am very greatful for is that my dh really gets it. It took him quite awhile too. He wasn't with our son day in and day out like I was, but every once in awhile, he'd be home for several days (vacation or sick days) and it would just hit him how much this child was being redirected day in and day out. Then Daniel started school, and the notes coming home, the phone calls, the teachers stopping me in the hall every time I walked into the school - well, it was irrefutable proof there were some major issues (aside from the developmental delays and unknown medical issues we KNEW). He caught him stealing from our cupboards/ freezers red-handed and heard him lie over and over after he was caught. My dh loves me and has seen the toll parenting this child has taken on me. He wants him gone even more than I do at the moment - which breaks my heart almost as much as all of the unrealized dreams we have for our boy. When Daniel chooses to be good, when he's having a "good day", I can almost forget the bad times, but he can turn on a dime and it knocks the wind out of me every time. The bad times way outnumber the good (they have for the past few years) and I think I'm trying to rationalize for my own sanity that he would be better off somewhere else. That if he could be productive and happy in another home, in a treatment facility, etc. that I need to let him go. Most days I find myself crying, most days I find myself muttering that I can't take it anymore. I know I am hurting my health with all the stress. I'm not sure where I'm headed but I will be reading your blog to hear "the rest of the story...."