Thursday, December 30, 2010
Don't feel like listening to a bit of venting this morning....just pass this post. The thoughts and such that will be typed out may/may not be very Christ-like. They will probably not even come close to the standards and such of what I try to live up to everyday. And often fall short. I know that my Father in Heaven loves and all that other jazz. But today it just isn't something that I can accept, agree with, believe....
I knew when I picked my quarterly 'pick (aka work hours)' that taking the Extra Board (aka...on call ALL.THE.DANG.TIME) it would be tough. I knew there would be some really hard days. I knew there would be some really easy days. I can't complain about the board because I knew what it was like. I will complain though...about being tired. My day started at 4:45am yesterday. That does not include the 'shower, heat up some toast, warm up your car and travel the 10 miles across town'....I then worked until 5:40pm with little over an hour break. It was tough and emotionally draining.
This morning my day started at 4:45 again. Only today I am not booked with work...I'm sitting...and waiting....for WORK. For someone to call in sick, get in an accident, bus break down, ect ect. At this very moment there are about 7 or 8 people ahead of me waiting for work and there will be about 10-15 more coming in after me.
Last night I got home from work - physically and emotionally drained. I can't really go to bed before 10pm w/o having problems sleeping. I will wake up 2:00am unable to get back to sleep. So at 10pm...I promptly went to bed. I laid there tossing and turning.
The phone rang. I had fallen asleep (and I think my dh did, too) and we were kind of abruptly woken up. Because he didn't recognize the number James didn't answer it. I fell back to sleep very quickly. It is probably 10:30-10:45pm at this point.
This morning James leaves me a groggy message after he had listened to the voicemail...."the phone call last night was Cor. He was calling to wish us a belated Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Here is his message so you know what his voice sounds like".
I don't give a shit what his voice sounds like. (PLEASE don't get me wrong. I L.O.V.E. this kid. But I CAN'T love him like I did.....as in more than life itself....because otherwise....I would be 6 ft under.) I know what his voice sounds like. He's been calling our house phone every few days over the last few weeks asking 'is this James?" and when I so no...he hangs up. What is there to want to know right now. Nothing.
I don't want or expect my husband to carry the burden of having to talk to him. I've told him you don't have to talk to him because HE IS NOT our child ANYMORE!!! Remember? I've been supportive if he WANTS to talk to him. But he DOESN'T have to!! And for the last several months he hasn't. He even called one of the facilities he was in towards the beginning of the year and told them he was to stop calling w/requests and informed of them of a rather not so nice message we received.
We've not heard anything since early summer - late spring.
"Hi Dad...this is Cor. Just wanted to call and wish you a belated Merry Christmas. Hope you had a nice one. Happy New Year. Tell the kids I said Hi and love them.".
Hi Dad...tell the kids hi?!?!?!?!?!
Really? I've not taken his lack of asking how I am or wanting to talk to me personally. Yet, today....it feels pretty damn personal. It's pure bull shit. And it pisses me off. Things like this that I regret ever having fought as hard as I did.
Please don't tell me it isn't personal. That he can't help it. Because even though I really do know and believe this fact...it doesn't change how I feel. It doesn't take away any of it.
This child change who I am as a person. How I look at other people. HOw I react to other people. It didn't change me for the better, in my ever so not so humble opinion...it changed me for the worse. The idiots that were involved w/us as professionals to help us to the idiots in the end to the current idiots.
There are a few other things I would say, too about those idiots. But because this is a public blog I can't publicly write what those other thoughts are. Just know....I'm not an evil person...but I think evil at times. And today is one of them.
How the hell is it that 1 innocent phone call from a hurting young man....who wants to just connect with the only person (my dh) that he considers family can send me from wavering back and forth in the depression hole to a full fledge.....spiral of downward stuff. Its shit. And it sucks. And the only enemy I would wish this upon would be the asshats that put us in this situation. Who from the VERY VERY VERY BEGINNING LIKE DAY 2 of him being in our home (before we had any issues) that 'when it comes to attachment if you provide him with a loving home and meet his needs.....HE will be fine" Dumb ass. How stupid can you be? Really, you make me want to puke. It is a pretty safe bet that he and I will never meet face to face again on this side of Heaven. Heck, today I'm not going to be going anywhere that lovely.I hope I never see his face again. Actually, HE better hope.
I know that the LDS SS agency moved him to another location 1/2 way across the nation when the crap started to hit the fan here. They claim it was because he got a promotion. I believe that about as much as I believe I need a new hole in my head.
The last thing we ever wanted was for this boy to not have a family. But because people with degrees, who never sat 8 mo. pregnant in the middle of a love hold bc the raging 8 yrold was going to hurt himself or your 2.5 yr old baby.....never walked a day in my shoes.....lied to us. They never walked a day in our shoes. Hell, we were lied to even AFTER our disruption and all the way up until the disruption. And I'm sure we would still be lied to and about.
I'll end because nothing is going to be productive with me venting this.
Tuesday, December 28, 2010
I seen/published Diana's comment and received a few other personal emails from fellow bloggers (or I should say fellow lurkers in some cases) in regards to my last post.
I won't stop blogging. However, the tone or subject might change and may even be directed to a bit of a different audience. I don't believe I would close this blog completely. Just stop publishing posts and start an entirely different blog. There are many different reasons why.
Sure, I still beat myself up. I still have many many regrets when it comes to Our Story. Often I try to make sense of where/what/when/how we got to where we are 12 years after becoming parents to that little blonde curly haired little boy. And yet how I went to T.arget to their after Christmas sale and bought a 4 Stocking Holder saying of "L O V E " for our family of 4...and how I still ahve a 5 peace stocking holder set that says "P E A C E" and yet....there is not peace in my heart.
I will admit....(if you've not figured it out already) that sure....I struggle daily, weekly, hourly....and there are days that I can't even say it has anything to do with our disruption and/or how we got there and there are days that it has everything to do with our disruption and how we got there. The mere fact that the ONE thing left in our home....that represented "OUR FAMILY of 5" will be replaced come next Christmas. And that really stings. A LOT.
There I said it. There will no longer be an empty Red Stocking hung. There will no longer be that 5th spot. Because as it has been for a few years now....we are a family of 4 not 5.
So you might ask or wonder why close this blog or stop blogging and open another? Because well....just because I can I guess. I really don't have the answers right now. Well, I do. Being able to articulate them into a blog post at this point is something that I can't do.
Did this make any sense? Probably not. But that's okay. And really...I'm okay, too. Just trying to dig deep into the heart of a few tough things right now. The purpose behind this blog is only 1 portion of it right now.
Monday, December 27, 2010
I know that I haven't really blogged about anything that has had much of anything to do other than my own woe is me for sometime on this blog. Often I consider closing this blog. Actually, there isn't many weeks that go by that I don't think about it for at least a bit.
I am not sure about the future of this blog. Or even my other blog. I'm contemplating taking a completely different route in my blogging. One that is a bit more personal. That may/may not be private.
I know that I've said this before. I don't know at this point. So for now....this may/may not be the last post for quite sometime.
Thursday, December 9, 2010
Caller: is this James?
ME: Uh, NO...it's Gala
Caller: damn it. (click)
The number wasn't blocked. So I attempted to 'look it up' on the reverse look up online. Only to find out it is a 'unpublished number'.
What I know is....the caller called back.
Same thing happened. I answered. Said the same thing. Caller hung up again.
Call me again and hang up Cor and I might go a lil' postal on your a_! Because this momma is tired, worked 1.5 hrs of OT because people can't drive in 2 inches of snow and so I had to drive LONGER and listen to people beotch bc I was late, or didn't show up, or whoever frign cares.... So call again....just try it. Because NOW that I've heard your voice a few times...I know it is you. Haven't heard it in a few years.....and I'm in no mental space to deal w/shit! just sayin..
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
Life isn't magically better. Is it ever? It is a new day. With below zero (almost) temps.
And somehow, just like I do every year and every time this lil whoa is me pity party of missing Cor comes along...I manage to get to the end of the rough patch. Not always very gracefully. Not always with love in my heart and actions. There is 1 specific person that I tend to call during the bad days like I had yesterday. I didn't call this person. Came close. Didn't. Not that I didn't need to. Just, I did not have it in me. I came close this morning. Why? Why waste this person time or mine? Because ultimately.....it is the same crap that I've dug through for awhile. And I'm sure my therapist is glad to not hear from me on a day when I'm not scheduled to be there.
So...it is just another day!
Monday, December 6, 2010
no matter how prepared you are.....
no matter how long down the road POST disruption you are.....
There is just no preparing yourself for some of the unbelievable shitty thoughts, feelings, emotions, ect ect....that comes with truly missing your child. Or in my case...my son.
I can't even begin to share what the last few days has been like. Today, has been the tip of what I hope and pray is the iceberg. Because damn it all...I really can't afford for it not to be. Seriously.
I see where this all started a week or so before our Thanksgiving vacation to Utah and Las Vegas.
"Oh' look at this Charlie Brown Tree...how cute is that?"
"Oh' don't you think we should do something like that this year?"
"Well, we do have 2 kittens and a psycho 9 mo old LITTLE DOG puppy"
My dh liked the idea because....well he doesn't like putting the tree up. Hell, he never does it so I dont' know what the hell is his problem. Then it was the animals. Because if 2 kids weren't enough and if you can't adopt any more...you might as just create yourself a dang zoo....2 kittens, 2 dogs...anything else we need?
Then I had my friend tell me about "Upside Down Trees". They are awesome. They are expensive.
I can't just put the tree up on my own you see....because the friggn thing isn't even AT my house. It is in our storage shed. That is a HOLE other issue and post for my main blog. But the moral of that story is...I have no damn clue WHERE the storage unit is. Well, I do....but I don't. Like I couldn't find it because w/100 different units looking the same to me. Nope...not happening.
Anyway, we have ended up with a Charlie Brown Tree. The Red Bulb that came w/it. And 2 xtra ornaments.
My heart is really hurting. We've never not had a tree. I don't have the energy to fight it. My dh is not interested in putting it up, getting it for me, or any of that other crap. And putting up the tree is yet another reminder that we are no longer a family of 5...but a family of 4.
Last year we had Nia. And even though she came with her own bag of trials.....I loved that girl deeply...just as I love(d) Corry deeply.
Today is one of the SOME DAYS...you can't prepare for. Because no matter how prepared you think you are....you will never be! OR At least I'm not.
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
My heart literally breaks in half each and every time I read my fellow online/blogging friends struggles. Struggles with the system.. Struggles with their own family/friends/peers. Struggles with their children.
There are moments when I just can't read the posts as it is to close to home. It hurts to much. It brings back some painful memories that I'm not able to think about at that moment/day.
I wish I could tell those of you struggling...I had magical answers. There are NO magical answers.
Recently...as in yesterday....I read a blog post from a mother who wrote some pretty tough stuff about how she feels...about herself!!
This my love (I'm pretty certain you read my posts) is what R.A.D. will do to you. Take a 110% wonderful, loving, awesome momma and convince her that she sucks. That she is worthless. That she is meaningless.
You are everything that you think you're not. A.W.E.S.O.M.E. It is tough. Damn do I ever believe you. Hell, it has been a few years since we've had Cor home and I STILL have moments/days/weeks where I am convinced I am STILL those things. Those things that were blogged about. Those things that MANY of us RADdy moms think/believe.
I'm not just speaking to 1 or 2 of you out there. I'm speaking to each and every mommy w/a child w/ANY sort of special needs...mild, moderate or severe.... whatever you are mommy out there.......
I'm speaking to myself. Because even still...as I said...I still struggle.
Will you do me a favor? Will you check out my previous posts about the ORLANDO get-a-way? And promise me that YOU will TAKE care of YOU and join us?
Since I'm lazy...I'm combing a few posts all in one...
It has been no secret (even though I don't really discuss it) that depression and I have been companions over the last several years. Over the last few months I've been doing better and better. I've made some pretty signficant gains over the last few months. I'm not saying everything has been all peaches and roses. Heck no. There are moments vs days of struggling.
There have been many moments of pure clarity. My sleep has been less interupted.
I've struggled with significant pain in my left side (which by all reports from my dr. and chiro is left over from 3 months of coughing after having pneumonia) and more recently pretty signifcant shoulder pain in both shoulders. Some days tolerable. Some days not so much (today has been one of those).
Each day I choose to Get Up Again....and Again.
On the days that I don't want to get up...again...and again....
It isn't because I'm wallowing in a depression....
but more because I physically don't feel well.
This is new territory for me. The good days haven't FAR outweighed the bad in a pretty long time. I let the grief over our disruption, loss of dreams for our family, loss of 'me as a mother and who I thought I would be...' take over.
It's been tough. And the longer I've felt better, not been on edge as to 'when' I would let the depression take over again...or IT would just creep in....the better I've felt.
I stopped telling 'our story' in regards to Cor. Sure I've blogged most of it. However, there are gaps. There are things I've not 'finished'. It has been several months since I've actually wrote about it....and part of it is because I just can't do it. I can't go there. I want to go there. I need to go there for 'me' in a theraputic aspect of life.....but I just phyically can't.
So for now....it is what it is....and there may/may not be any tidbits on here about our disruption and story.
All this to say....
I've found myself over and over the last 2-3 days struggling. And to be quite honest...it scares the shit out of me. Plain.cut.simple.dry. I know where I've been. I know that it is very unlikely to go back to that place. I called in sick to work on Sunday. For the first time in a quite a while...was purely because I couldn't get myself out of bed. My head hurt. My head hurt bc I didn't sleep for crap. I didn't sleep for crap because...as mentioned above...I've had many of the same thoughts and crap about myself as a 'mom, person, employee'...that were pure crap. I thought that I could fight it. That I could get rid of the headache, the grim outlook, the shit thoughts.....instead. Monday...by 5:45 when I got off work my head hurt so bad (from the negative thoughts about to burst my dang head) it was all I could do not to cry. Today....much of the same story. Just a different day. My day off. It's here. How flippen long I have no dang idea. Regardless, it just ticks me off. End of story.
Thursday, September 9, 2010
This morning Diana wrote about the Painful Reminders of her daily life. About going to the grocery store last night, taking showers, eating dinner....about D.A.I.L.Y L.I.F.E with a child with RAD. It was a painful reminder for me....of what my daily routine was like when Cor was home. My heart hurts for Diana. For her E.A.C.H of her children. Because EVERY SINGLE CHILD in her home, herself and her DH have that daily painful reminder. It sux. It really does. I wish I was able to scoop her up and love on her and tell all the things she already knows...BUT because of society....she (all RAD moms) forget. That she is an A.W.E.S.O.M.E. MOMMY.
Those painful reminders are hard to swallow some days. My heart hurts for every one of you out there. I've BTDT. I may not be currently doing it....but I know. Oh' how I know. And it truly stinks!!!
((((HUGS))))) to each and every one of you as you walk this life...the day in and day out of those painful reminders!!!
Monday, August 30, 2010
The same week several years later = was the official I'm no longer your mommy day.
To much to to wrap my fat head around somedays.
While I was working this morning and looked at my GPS and saw the date...my heart sunk....deep. Very deep.
That's all I will say about this day today. Maybe in a day or two or week.
Just not today.
Monday, August 23, 2010
I want you to know that you A: don't have to be an adoptive momma to go.
I want you to know that you B: don't have to be a RAD momma to go.
I want you to know that you C: can just know me to go (isn't that the coolest).
I want you to know that you D: must go and let me know because I am 99.99% sure that I am going to go.
I want you to know the ONLY prerequ to going is this...YOU TOTALLY GET what it is like to be a RAD momma/parent or a parent who has disrupted. There will be mixture of both there!!
(Last week one night...I had the opportunity to meet a few of the gals that will be there. One who has/is in the throws of disrupting. We get each other. What a great feeling to know that I would not be judged in those 3-4 hours that I sat at a table eating dinner. That even though our journeys are different....the pain and sorrow and frustrations are all the same....if your kiddos are at home or even if they are not...)
I want you to know that I am pretty close to putting the deposit down. I just have to convince myself that I will suffer the consequenses if I "DON'T" get the approval from my employer to go. Which I can't do for a few more months (at least).....
SO.....are you going to join me?
I don't care who I room with. (Well, that is not entirely true..I do care. I do have some ideas.)
If funds are tight and you need to share a bed...well...I have a big butt but would share and think nothing of it. Because I've done it before w/my Tupperware gals back when I went to the conventions and was a manager and made decent money. BTW: I know longer sell tupperware).
If you are afraid you wont fit in, you might snore to loud, you have a newborn baby (you know who you are!!!).....let me just say this...
1: If you snore..I will take a banana peel and my camera and have fun.
2: You will fit in..trust me!!
3: You have a newborn baby..it might be your chance (and only chance) to get sleep ALL night long because...well there will be LOTS OF MOMMA's intersted in taking your baby for you so you can REST!! (again...you know who you are, its been discussed and well....you know what I mean) AND if there is anyone else out there that will have a newborn...same atcha!
So.....who wants to go? Is going?
Do you live NEAR WI? there is a slight chance that I could/might/will consider driving. It is about a 20 hr drive and we could do it straight thru w/2+ drivers. I have a Camry Hybrid that gets about 30 mpg (VERY small trunk bc of the battery...but we will be getting a cartop carrier sooon..>TRUST ME) and we have a Highlander Hybrid that seats comfortable with luggage 5...and 7 if we use a car top carrier.
Anyway....check this link above out or THIS link and please let me know what you think!!
Saturday, July 31, 2010
We ate our wonderful pizza. While we were there 2 police officers walked in. Mind you - this is a rather 'mom/pop - neighoborhood ' type of place. I guess it took us off guard.
Bry was being a goon and some what obnoxious (what 8 yr old boy isn't, sometimes?). I made some comment that 'you better be good b/c that lady officer is sitting on the other side of this booth'.
And then it went something like this....
Bry: SOOO not like their gonna take me away.
Me: You don't always know that. You better be good.
Bry: NOOOO they won't. They can't arrest a 7 yr old kid.
Me: Um, yes honey they can and I'm glad you didn't really know that. But if you make poor choices...yes they could.
Bry: (laughing hysterically).....you are lying.
Me: Look at Ab...Ab....can they?
Ab: (laughing) I told you Bry...YES YOU CAN!!
Bry: how would you know Ab...because you've done soemthing naughty. I KNEW IT. That's how you knjow.
Me: Ab how do you know?
Ab: Yeah...TV....I've seen it before on TV.
JAMES: Umm, you don't remember.
Me: Look at James "Well, that's good...she doesn't remember".
we kind of...sort of....went around back/forth to "do you really NOT remember or do you?"
She had no clue.
She.doesn't.remember...or....does.she? I think she does. But she doesn't.
She doesn't in the way that it 'affects her'
You might wonder what?
For several week (usually on the same day of the week) we would have to call the local small town police department because of Cor's behaviors. When he came back home to live w/us after being w/my inlaws I made it very clear that we would get help. They onlhy way I could find a way to do that was to have documentation. We were lucky to have an officer that was AWESOME and every time but ONCE he was the officer that responded to our calls.
She didn't remember the police officer taking her brother. Thank Heaven!! It was a rather traumatic event. I believe I have wrote about the school shop w/cop program that Ab was nomitated for from our awesome principal (who decided to open a running store instead). It was a turning point for her.
I'm not saying I still don't have guilt over this entire crappy situation. BUT...BUT...BUT....when I see these 2 children of mine and how well they are doing - today vs 3,4, 5+ years ago. It makes my heart swell with gratititude!!
Thursday, July 29, 2010
I believe I've blogged about the significant emotional effect that Cor and his issues had on our daughter Ab. As a refresher (for those new to my blog) Ab was born a year after we adopted Cor. They were 5 years apart. Had a very healthy bond until she was about 14 months old. At which time Cor realized (after a week long i.ntensive therapy session with Deborah Hage and our therapist) that he could no longer hurt me. His actions/behaviors/ect ect - would no longer hurt me. We had several weeks of great behavior and progress. Then one day it all changed. It was a change that was just as heartbreaking to me as it was him. He figured out he could hurt me. By hurting his sister. I've blogged about that early on in this blog - feel free to comment or ask questions for specific issues: as this post is not about "that" stuff so to speak.
So as I was sitting at gymna.stics last night reading blogs, watching my almost 11 year old daughter during her "trials" for T.nT...and I read THIS post...the words of our therapist we had for Cor rang in my head - over and over and over!! Something that she said to me recently. Very recently. As in the last 6 months. We consulted w/her from time to time while Ms. N was living with us. More for family dynamics than anything else. There was one particular time that just myself went and James stayed home. I believe N might have been sick or something. IDK.
I don't know that I completely agree that we Choose Life for our son. We choose to disrupt. We choose NOT to fight the State we are from and allow them to follow thru w/terminating our parental rights. We choose to not allow him to come back in our home and because of that our parental rights were terminated.
We or more like I had no more fight left in us.
We had done every.single.thing we were asked.
We had read, participated, tried, loved, you name it....
And nothing we could do could help our son. Choosing to terminate our parental rights in our situation (and I REITERATE OUR SITUATION...bc we didn't have another family) doesn't feel like we CHOOSE LIFE.
Or does did we?
As I think about those words so lovely wrote on this lovely blog....AND....the words from Mrs. M our therapist play into our head....AND...the images of my young daughter THEN and NOW whisk into my memory.....
I can say.
We CHOOSE LIFE....
We CHOOSE LIFE....
For Abigayle...we choose to allow her to no longer live in extreme stress and anxiety. We choose to allow this young little girl to no longer worry about when/what/where her big brother would explode. I've blogged about her response when we told her 5 years ago "your brother will never live in our home again...how it came blubbering and blurting out in a fit of frustration on my part and how my baby girl who wasn't even 6 years old said to me..Momma, I know why its okay. You dont' have to tell me. I know. Why is it Abigayle? Because momma...when he is visiting and living at home...Bry and I are not safe.." Out of the mouthes of babes. She knew. (Again, I've blogged about that...)
As I watched her 4 years later....on that gymnastics floor last night. My heart knew. We choose life for her.
We CHOOSE LIFE....
For Bryant...we choose to allow our toddler to be safe. To have no worry that he would be hurt again. Hurt was all he knew. Because from his newborn life till present that is what happened. From a chair being thrown and landing on him at 5 months of age to many other things that are not blog-able....we choose safety.
We CHOOSE LIFE...
For Cor. Not the best life. Not a life that I wish on my worst enemy. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't have some sort of guilt over where the path has taken him. And, Marilyn's words replay in my head over and over "Gala, you do know...if you didn't choose to terminate...he would NOT be getting the extensive level of care that he is getting TODAY or ever. With out doing that he would have NEVER continued to get the help he needed." I shook my head yes, I knew that day. In reality, I never thought about it that way.
We ChOOSE LIFE...
for our marriage.
for our children - each and every one of them.
It isn't an easy task. Not one that I would wish upon my worst enemy.
As I see what a complete turn around my daughter has made. I know in my heart that CHOOSING LIFE/DISRUPTION was the best thing for OUR FAMILY! And as much as I wish that Cor could be a part of our family. Tonight as I look at how healthy and emotionally stable Bry and Abi are doing now compared to before.....I have no regrets.
Wednesday, July 28, 2010
Friday, July 9, 2010
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Last week knowing that the downward cycle was increasing I decided to try and take a vacation day that would give me a 3 day weekend.
Today was my first day off. Even though last week I was given 3 days off (actually 4) it didn't give me time to plan so forth.
Today I got a french manicure. I hate it. My fingers hurt. Well, they hurt because i've picked my nails so bad over the last week (and months/years) and now that i have these pretty white tips...well they are annoying. My typing speed of 70+ words per minute....it is now down to about oh 20 if that. It's killing me. The pinky nails were so bad that the man that did them told me he thought they would come off by tonight. Still on. I took my sweet Abi with me and she got her nails painted very pretty w/a floral design. She was sick with high temps yesterday. Fine today.
Then I had a therapy appt. Something she's told me many times (and my pdoc) is there is a different tone in the color of my eyes when I'm doing good vs bad. Anyway, she was pretty adament that the blue coloring in my eyes is/was much brighter. Unlike last week.
I am trying to plan and take care of me. Trying to remember that Corry's bd is just that. I will enjoy mine. I will not allow his birthday to make or break mine.
It is what it is....
TILL IT ISN'T.
Tomorrow we have some errands and so such to do.
Then on Thursday we are planning a trip to Noah's Ark or 6 Flags Great America.
Spending every minute that I can with my family. Making the best of every moment. Trying like h*ll to stay out of that deep dark place of grief and anger.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
I've been told several times over the last few weeks that I should just let the tears flow. Instead, the tears are there. Behind the surface. Slowly creeping out onto the surface. Slowly.
I guess maybe it is my body's way of subconsciously saying 'you've been dealing w/this for too many years, get up and get over it Gala". And so instead maybe, i don't know, maybe it is more of a numb place of grief and healing that I'm in... Sure I feel it all right just numb.
My last post I talked about a young man, similiar in age and circumstances, as Cor whose life had ended. His body was found on Monday morning.
Over the last several days there have been several reports regarding what happened to this young man.
I don't listen to the news, unless it comes on the radio. Several years ago I had a therapist tell me I needed to stop listening to the news. There was to many horrific things that would just cause me to explode inside. That those news reports would break me. For the most part, I took that advice (I'll tell you why...hold on) to heart as much as possible. Unless, the news is on the radio, rarely do I ever turn the news on to LISTEN or WATCH IT!! Nearly all of the news I hear or see is because I look it up on the local stations online. When this therapist and I had this conversation a few years ago (stay w/me...this will make sense in a moment or so), she adviced me to 'pick and choose what I wanted to read. If you read a headline that says "Youth rapes 2 different women on same day" you can choose to NOT read it. If you read a headline that says "Metro employee sues City of M over discrimination" and because you work for the City of M_ aand you want to read it...you can.
So that has been my motto for the last few years. Read/listen to what you want, forget the rest. Rarely ever do I listen and/or read information regarding horrifying acts. It hits to close to home.
That being said, it has been very hard to not listen to the news report of a young man, simliar in age, adopted, in foster home bc of whatever, who died sometime in the last hours of Sunday night/early Monday.
It has been even harder reading/hearing the reports of what happened and why to this young man. Equally, hard and this has been where the tears have flown at abudance off and on over the last few days.....is the person who ended this young mans life. He, too...just a kid. I don't know his background. I don't want to know his background.Becuase if I know it...it might just anger me even more or make me even more sick. I look at the picture in the paper of his mother, sobbing, shortly after her sons initial court appearance. And, I picture myself, in that very same seat. Wearing the very same clothing. Thinking the very same thing that she must be thinking.
Guess what? This young man, it isn't his first time appearing before a judge. No, it isn't. You know what? Several years ago, he at the ripe age of 13 commited a very horrible crime. One that he only received 2 yrs in a juv. detention. Maybe it was a little longer. I don't know. I've not read that much into why. I can't.
That same child, that 13 year old....is one of the very reasons WHY I stopped reading the papers. At that very time, Cor was 11 or 12ish. It hit to close to home.
What did our justice system do for this child?
Did they offer him help? I really don't know.
I can't cry. I can't. I'm to damn numb. What has the justice system done for my child? Nothing. Some might read this and think "well, you've not done much for him either." thank you very much...you can save your fingers and know that I've thought the same thing.
Motive: He was mad. Mad because someone didn't pick him up at the bus stop (which btw makes me even more upset bc I drive those bus stops). He wanted this young mans cell phone. He robbed him of his shoes and cell phone. Seriously? You are so damn angry that you not only steal something as LITTLE as a damn cell phone and shoes but then you kick the life out of another human being?
Now what? Life in prison? For what? A pair of damn shoes that were 2 sizes to big and a damn phone? Beause you were mad?
I've lived it. I've seen it. I've seen the rage in my pre-teen childs face that led to pure rage. Rage that hurt not only myself but my babies. I've lived those gasps of breath that my newborn took after the kitchen chair landed on him....and seen the rage and udder dispair and broken-ness in my childs eyes.
Two broken souls. Both ended on Sunday evening. One in breathe/life and one in spirit.
This entire thing is wrong. So incredible wrong it makes me sick. Seriously, physically ill. Yeah. I can't cry. I haven't cried (today anyway). Instead, after I read the news article in the paper, I promptly got out of my bus and vomitted.
I started this post last night. I had to go back and retype most of it because there were to many 4+ letter words that needed to be edited.
This morning, Diana, wrote "I cried Today".
Different...but the same.
I know that if my current therapist would read what I'm about to write...well...I know what she would say. So J_ if you read this...save your breathe!!
There are many days/nights that I can't sleep.
That I lay awake in complete and udder fear.
Fear that that next unknown knock on my door.....
That I might run into him on the street.........
That I might open up tomorrows paper.......
and the news would be...just what I read this week. That the child that we had such high hopes for - took someone elses' life.
Fear that his anger and rage would be directed at me.....and the 1 sure bet to hurt me would be to hurt one of my children or family members.
This is the stuff that keeps me stuck...
Stuck in grief.
Stuck in anger.
Stuck in everything that is/was/will ever be....
The comments...if you only loved him more. They STICK like glue.
The comments....if you're bio child did this. They STICK like glue.
The comments....you just try to save the world. They STICK like.
This is the stuff that rips my soul. Every bit of what I've wrote on this blog....today, last week, last month, last year....every single word.
This is the stuff that truly rips my testimony of the Gospel of Jesus Christ apart...the stuff that I said today, last week, last month, last year. EVERY BIT OF IT.
I know my Father in Heaven loves each of us.
I know my Father in Heaven is all loving Father.
I believe in the atonment of Jesus Christ. And unfortunately, because the things that I've shared today, last week, last month, last year.....this things...my testimony and faith have faltered.
I can not agree, nor will I ever...(in my opinion today) that I will ever agree that my son knew before he came to earth the trials he would be given, that he would essentially be w/o a family/parents, that he knew in the pre-existence that WE would choose to disrupt, that he would age out in treatment facilities....
I just can't wrap my head around that. It makes no sense to me. That he would send someone to this earth - knowing that their days are numbered (I do believe this) but that they are numbered as a serial killer? As a 13 yr old rapist? As a 17 yr old murder?
I just can't. I can't believe that I my Father in Heaven would say to me "Gala, you are going to go thru x years of infertility, then your church leaders that you love and trust...they are going to lie to you so that you will then become a mom....blah blah blah broken record I am I know....
I've rambled. I guess, I went from trying to write a 'well thought out and such post" to completely loosing my schlict!! BTW: tears are plentiful now!
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
This young man's life has now ended. No one really knows why. No one really knows how. (Media hasn't released it at this point). Regardless of how, when, where, why.....it is a horrible tragedy.
Actually, the scab has been picked at several times over the last few weeks, months, years. Many times just when I think that the wound is close to healing, it breaks open again.
This news article could have read my sons name. Only it didn't. Maybe because my son is still in a secure facility. That I know of anyway. I wish I could reach out and hug his mom. Tell her how I get it. How my heart hurts for her and her family.
Saturday, June 12, 2010
I guess I will just leave the above sentence. I've typed, deleted, typed, deleted over and over and over again......coming up with nothing. Not one thing that makes sense. Nothing that is worth blogging. That is worth sharing. Because, quite honestly, nothing about the entire situation makes sense!
Monday, May 31, 2010
This week brought some changes to my brothers situation w/his 5 year old. Without going into details...I will say that my nephew will most likely be at our home often this summer.
My brother will be learning what full time parenting is all about.
The last 24 hrs have proven to be challenging as my nephew has refused to eat the food offered to him by us. His mother feeds him nothing but crap. Now my family and I eat out often. However, our children eat what is offered w/little exceptions!
We went to moms today and after 2 hrs she 'kind of' gave in and tried to offer something different. It didn't go so well.
This is a HUGE issue and this child is VERY overweight. He NEVER was until recently...last 12 months.
Why can't people just love and care for their children? Why does mental health issues have to interfer and cause people to make such poor choices? This maddens me so incredible much. This kid is a good boy. But there is some major issues. Some minor RAD issue for sure.
I wonder how long it will take to provide stability for this child. I know how our state runs and I have faith there will be justice to my nephew and brother. Because we are dealing with a corrupt system.
Oh I have so much more thoughts on this I want to share but my fingers are cramped usung my blackberry
Monday, May 24, 2010
*Spring in her step.
*Had a great weekend.
*Proved to me that Ms. M (therapist) was/is right.
*Had a good day (I think) at school.
*Was an all around pleasant person to be with.
As I mentioned in my last post...Ms. N has been a bit of a challenge. Our theory on why I think was proved by her staying home with us this weekend, due to obligations that her mother had. Which was fine. I'm glad she was home. I actually, think i would like her to stay home w/us for the next 2 weekends until her mom has her move back home. One weekend I cant though. I think that my 10 yr old will be having some friends over and well....1 less child in the house might be helpful. Specially the child that requires 24 supervision and cognitively is a toddler. And well, some days 10 yr olds are not very interested in having toddler, I mean 6 1/2 yr olds all up in their business.
And something that I've wanted for her to happen for a long time....
Her hair is FINALLY long enough to put in 2 big puffs. kind of. The back fell out. I gave daddy permission to wake mommy up b4 school tmwto do her hair. I took her braids out tonight. Swearing right and left that and in one hand upset that I will be done w/the braids in a few short weeks and in the other hand thankful that I odn't have to deal w/that part of life.. It is bitter, very vitter sweet.
I would give anything to take those braids out.
It is my prayer that as she goes back home to live w/her mother that life will work itself out and all will be well this.time.around! Because in the end...that was all I ever wanted for Corry.
Bitter Sweet. Very Bitter Sweet.
Friday, May 21, 2010
It has been 10 years since we first saw her. The lady is truly one of the best in my opinion she was so helpful and supportive during our times of extreme issues with Cor. Even when Cor wasn't living at home and her patient. She was always a phone call away.
One evening during a very particularly hard time after our disruption she called me. She had mysteriously heard from someone (aka my therapist at the time) that I wasn't doing well and could probably use a call from her. We talked for a very long time that night. Very.Long.Time. She shared w/me things about her own family that I didn't know. Many that I did. Many that I didn't. She shared that she also, lived this heartache many years before and she knew what that heartache felt like.
We've never lost touch. We are FB friends. Even though she doesn't really do anything on FB. When I send pictures or updates via email about our family, she is always on that list.
From time to time I consulted w/her regarding Ms. N. Ms. N's mother mentioned she didn't feel that she needed to see a therapist. We felt that if anything we needed to see her for added support and ideas during this proccess.
I'm so incredible greatful that we have. Today was maybe one of our last appts with Marilyn. We did not take Ms. N. Truth betold - we need every.single.break we can get from her because she has been so Passively Defiant and RAD filled behaviors.
Her perspective on why the behaviors have been what they are was so awesome. So meaningful. SOOOOOO helpful to my heart. Even though we can't change the situation what she told us today from the things that Ms. N's been doing at our home and at school was validating.
Validating to the point of almost tears. As I drove and drove and drove for work today. I thought about the words that she said. Thoughta bout the things that this wonderful lady whom I respect so much....what they meant.
I am not going to share them right now. Maybe after Ms. N' goes back home to her moms. As I mentioned in a previous post, this blog is not private and so RIGHT NOW those things I'll keep to myself. Think about and pray about. And in the end...hope that everything works out FOR Ms. N....
If you want to know what it was - email me and I will tell you.
And what I will also say that she pointed otu some very distinct things in my own thoughts/character/feelings/ect ect....
The grieving proccess is LONG and hard. It has been a long road since Cor left....some days better than others. Many days better than others. So much more to say. So few tears left to shed. So for now...I'll end with....
If you haven't read my previous post "Be Still My Soul" please do.
Regardless...in case YOU need to hear this as I did...here it is.
"Be Still, My Soul"
by Catharina von Schlegel, 1697-?
Translated by Jane Borthwick, 1813-1897
1. Be still, my soul; the Lord is on thy side;
Bear patiently the cross of grief or pain;
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In every change He faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul; thy best, thy heavenly, Friend
Through thorny ways leads to a joyful end.
2. Be still, my soul; thy God doth undertake
To guide the future as He has the past.
Thy hope, thy confidence, let nothing shake;
All now mysterious shall be bright at last.
Be still, my soul; the waves and winds still know
His voice who ruled them while He dwelt below.
3. Be still, my soul, though dearest friends depart
And all is darkened in the vale of tears;
Then shalt thou better know His love, His heart,
Who comes to soothe thy sorrows and thy fears.
Be still, my soul; thy Jesus can repay
From His own fulness all He takes away.
4. Be still, my soul; the hour is hastening on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul; when change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
and didn't really realize which blog I was posting to....
because I was doing airline searches at the same exact time....
I meant to post THIS here. So instead of reading it all right here....
Feel free to HOP on OVER to MY other BLOG and read my latest post titled...
I'll add this here. I found "another" REALLY cheap flight. If I could leave on Thursday morning.
I can't. I can't be in Milwaukee and on an airplane on Thursday at Noon. I just can't. There is no way possible that I can miss my "quarterly" pick. Doing that would mean I would seal my fate of the next 3 months of my work schedule and probably land myself in the psychiatric unit at the local hospital. And as appealing as the break might be some days....I've btdt and I don't care to go back...
Thursday, April 29, 2010
So here is what it is in reference to.
Read this great post skim down the comments and you might find mine. And in a day or so after I've thought some more about doing this. I will let you know how it is going (or not going).
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
I've started it.
Nothing seems to come to mind.
Nothing seems to stick to my thoughts.
Nothing seems to really make sense.
So many thoughts swirling around.
I was challenged (well kind of) to think about/research what others do surrounding rituals surrounding grief.
This is my problem with doing this.
The type of grief and loss that has plagued my heart is not normal.
It isn't something that can easily be googled.
It isnt' something that comes up when doing a google search.
When a prospective mother/father suffers a miscarriage, there are support groups.
When a prospective mother/father suffers the death of an infant/child, there are support groups.
The grief surrounding a disruption is soo incredible different than any other type of loss.
Professionals don't really get it. Sure they might try. But unless they have actually lived it themselves they just don't get it.
In my house/family the way of life to deal with it has been to be silent. If you were to walk in my home you would never know that we had at one point in time, 3 beautiful children. There are no reminders that we were parents of 3 children.
My husband has talked more in the last 2 weeks about the impending loss of one of our children in our home more than he ever talked to me about the loss of our child that we adopted. Sure it could be that it is just a different situation all around and is easier to discuss.
All that continues to come to my mind lately....
~~It is what it is...Until it isn't~~
And I guess, until it isn't....I will just keep on keeping on. Somehow, somewhere, find some sort of peace and closure with something that has never had any closure.
Sunday, April 25, 2010
While I actually had a topic in mind that I didn't find; I came across this article.
Sometimes our Father in Heaven gives us that gentle nudge that we need. I received it this afternoon/evening as I made dinner. "look up Nancy's website" And so I did.
I needed to read this article today.
You might need to read that article today.
I know a few of you who do need to read that article today.
I know a few of you who I wish I was sitting in the house next to yours..where I could get up off my fat butt and come give you a hug. Just because...I could. Oh' how I wish I could give S and S and each of their children (if they wanted me to) a hug today. How I wish that I could cry those ugly tears that I know you've cried 0r maybe you don't have any left in you. Oh' how I know I've been there. It sucks. Really I know it does.
This week marked an anniversary for me. I say me because my dh doesn't acknowledge and/or remember them. It is no small wonder that I had a complete and udder meltdown in the drs office. It was a brand new dr. One I've never met. One I really needed to be on my side, to refill a rx that I'm out of. Instead, I fell apart. Like REALLY fell apart. I mean...REALLY (did you get that...REALLY). So much so that I told him (in a few words or less) that not only was he wasting his time but he was wasting my time. Then I did something I never thought I would have the balls to do. I got my fat butt up off the chair and walked out.
Today as I looked at the calender and realized what the date was today. What the date was this week. What it signifies. It is no small wonder that I actually made it to work 4 out of 5 days scheduled. Really. It truly is no small wonder.
I might more later on some of my thoughts, feelings, frustrations.....
Until then...my dear bloggy friends who are struggling. PLEASE know that you are each in my prayers!!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Nia's sister Mykiah said "do you think Miley is in there?" How sweet and darling all in one!!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
What a Miracle...
this little guy is.
Please check out this video - Bronson's Miracle.
Our Father in Heaven had wonderful plans for Bronson. His plan did not include Bronson leaving his Earthly Parents. Instead, his plan included strengthening the testimonies of those who heard of his story.
I know as a parent, I can't even begin to fathom the pain that this family endured.
I know as a parent, I have rejoiced in their miracle and this morning cried tears of sweet joy as I watched this video and shared his story w/my husband.
Check out their blog: Stalkerz Expozed